“Tikki, that’s fantastic! Good for you. We’ll have to celebrate tonight.”
“We will. After you return from your big date.”
Carolyn checked the clock on the stove. “I’m running out of time! I just remembered I’m supposed to be there at four o’clock.”
“You better get ready then. I’ll run out to buy groceries.”
Dashing into the shower, Carolyn realized how odd it was to be in this role reversal with her daughter. Wasn’t it just a few years ago that Carolyn was the one making runs to the store, and Tikki was the one preparing for school dances and proms? Carolyn felt grateful for the timing of Tikki’s big relationship conversation. If things had been status quo between Matthew and Tikki, she wouldn’t have come for the weekend. Coming home to an empty house after her first sort-of date in decades would have been depressing.
As she brushed out her hair, using the hair dryer on the highest setting, Carolyn tried to calculate the time it would take her to reach Sausalito. Even without the weekday traffic, she had a feeling she was going to be late. Not a good way to start the date. She thought of how some of her longtime neighbors in Fremont took the Bay Area Rapid Transit system, “BART,” into the city every day for work. She didn’t know how they could stand the commute.
Tikki was gone when Carolyn jumped in her car and backed down the driveway. Three blocks from the house, she passed Mill Creek Elementary and glanced at the school as she habitually did. Tikki had attended kindergarten at Mill Creek, and that’s when Carolyn began to volunteer in the front office. The volunteer position turned into part-time, and when Tikki was in fifth grade, Carolyn stepped into a full-time job in the front office.
She loved what she did and loved walking to work every day. She never grew tired of checking the students in and out after dental appointments or helping teachers hunt down missing release forms before a field trip. Jeff used to say she was the bubble that kept that little elementary school on the level.
Carolyn let out a long, anxiety-releasing breath. Memories of Jeff felt out of place in her thoughts when she was on her way to meet another man. Yet, as they had all week, the memories of Jeff calmed and comforted her.
For the hour-and-twenty-minute drive to Sadie’s Garden, Carolyn played out the scenarios of how this date might go and what her escape plan would be. She entered the restaurant with a wobbly expression that immediately fell when she realized Ellis wasn’t there. It was four o’clock. She forced herself to slide past the hostess and have a quick look around the bar area. Carolyn hoped he wasn’t there. Meeting a man for a date in a bar seemed so out of the range of anything she ever had expected to do. He was late, or perhaps he wasn’t coming. Either way, Carolyn was ready to jump ship, drive home, and have a good laugh with Tikki over the rise and fall of Carolyn’s dating career, all in one day.
She decided to give him ten minutes. If she were running late, she would want the courtesy of ten minutes. If he wasn’t here by then, she would be on her way. The sweater Carolyn had selected felt itchy and seemed far too casual for the way others were dressed as they entered the restaurant.
Checking her watch again and seeing that the time was now 4:12, she let her thoughts flit on to how she was going to feel about all this if, in fact, she had been stood up.
Just then her cell phone rang. It was Marilyn.
“Carolyn, where are you?”
“I’m at a restaurant.” She could feel her heart beat faster, as if she had done something wrong. She always felt that sensation when Marilyn used a certain tone in her voice. For being a total of nineteen minutes older, Marilyn knew how to lord it over Carolyn and had exercised her abilities since the cradle.
“Where are the girls?”
“What do you mean?”
“They told me they were going to see you this morning. I just called your house, and Tikki answered. She said she hadn’t seen them.”
“I haven’t seen them either. They didn’t come to my house today.”
“Okay, that does it. Those two are in so much trouble. Call me right away if you hear anything from them.”
“I will.”
Just then Ellis entered the restaurant lobby. He smiled when he spotted Carolyn. She put her cell phone back in her purse and nervously greeted him.
“Traffic was heavier than I expected. Sorry to keep you waiting.”
“That’s okay.” Carolyn noticed he was wearing a collared dress shirt and a sport coat. She felt conspicuously under-dressed, as the hostess led them to a small table at the front far corner of the restaurant. Carolyn appreciated that the table was out of the main pathway of both waiters and guests, yet she couldn’t help but wonder if this was the corner where they put the lower-class clientele.
“I realized,” Ellis said as he fumbled to pull out Carolyn’s chair for her, “we didn’t exchange phone numbers. If we had, I would have called to let you know I was running late.”
If we had exchanged numbers, I would have called you two weeks ago and canceled!
“I’ve been looking forward to this,” he said.
Carolyn pretended she had been too. Then she pretended to still be adjusting her chair, since she wasn’t ready to engage in conversation. Her phone rang again, and she reached for her purse to silence the ring. She hesitated when she saw the call was from Marilyn.
“Please feel free to get that if you need to.” Ellis politely placed the cloth napkin in his lap.
Carolyn leaned toward the window and partially covered the mouthpiece with her cupped hand. “Is everything okay?”
“I wanted you to know I just reached the girls. They were shopping. I thought they said they were going to your house, but they said they told me they were going to the mall up by your house. So they’re fine. They’re going to a movie now.”
Carolyn doubted the girls were “fine.” She knew the sort of friends they had hung out with when they lived at her house. Marilyn was being gullible and indulgent once again, but that was another conversation for another time.
“I’m glad you know where they are. Listen, can I call you back later tonight?”
“I have a better idea. Where are you right now? What restaurant? We don’t have a thing in the house for dinner, so I told Larry we should meet up with you.”
Carolyn’s heart sped up again. “Actually, ah, it would be better if we tried to do that another time. It won’t work for me tonight.”
“Why not? We can leave right now. I wanted to tell you all about Mexico and where we stayed and everything.”
“I want to hear all about it but just not tonight. Can we meet tomorrow night instead?”
The silent response made it clear that Marilyn was ticked. “Okay. Fine. Call me later, and we’ll figure it out.”
“I will. And thanks for understanding, Marilyn.” Carolyn had to add that, even though she knew her sister didn’t understand. She hung up and silenced her phone.
With a sheepish grin at Ellis she said, “Sorry.”
“No problem. Is everything all right?”
“Yes.” She stared at the menu, finding she wasn’t able to focus on the selection.
Why do I feel as if I have to hide from Marilyn that I’m here with Ellis? What am I afraid of? This whole thing feels unbalanced. I can’t do this. I’m not ready. I have to get out of here.
Closing her menu and trying her best to appear calm, Carolyn summoned all the courage she could find. “I’m really sorry, but I can’t do this. I need to leave.”
“Caras vemos, corazones no sabemos.”
“Faces we can see, hearts we can’t know.”
ELLIS APPEARED CONFUSED and disappointed at Carolyn’s sudden declaration. “Are you sure you can’t stay?”
Carolyn tried to give him a logical reason for her skittishness. She at least owed him that. “You know, at the wedding you asked if I was ‘available,’ and I have to be honest and tell you that I’m not. Not really. Not yet.”
Ellis seemed to look relieved. He pull
ed on his earlobe. “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, I’m not sure I’m exactly available yet either.”
Carolyn felt a funny sense of relief at his words and the shy way he delivered them. Apparently this midlife dating experience was new and uncomfortable for him. “Besides, I’m not sure I’m ready for this.”
“I understand. I’m not sure I’m ready either.” Ellis’s calm response along with his shared discomfort and hesitation had a settling affect on Carolyn. She wasn’t as nervous all of a sudden.
“You know,” he said, “if you want, you could just order something to go. I mean, we did come here because of the mushrooms.”
“And the asparagus.” She mustered a small smile.
“You would hate to go home without those.” Ellis smiled at her. His teeth looked exceptionally white. She didn’t remember his having such white teeth two weeks ago. Perhaps he had made the effort to have them whitened just to look good for their date. Whether that was the case, the possibility softened Carolyn’s case of nerves. The near panic attack was diminishing. She wondered if she later would regret pulling out so abruptly.
Ellis seemed to read her fluctuating emotions and eased into a redirection. “Or, if you would like, we could just eat a little something and then be on our way.”
Carolyn took a moment to release a long breath. “That’s probably a good idea. It’s a long drive home. Some food would help.”
“Why don’t we do that then? We’ll just have a quick appetizer and then go.”
“Okay, sure. Let’s do that.” She felt like apologizing for her indecisiveness but thought it better to let it go and put some food in her mouth so she wouldn’t fumble and say anything else she would regret.
Ellis ordered for them as soon as the waiter appeared, and their date was off to a start at last. Their conversation meandered through a maze of impersonal topics. Ellis led with a story about a seagull that had perched on his car when he pulled into the parking lot. That prompted Carolyn to comment on an article she had read recently about the seagull population at Pier 39. Their conversation fumbled along, and at just the right moment, the scrumptious appetizers were delivered. As they ate, the conversation as well as Carolyn’s outlook seemed to improve.
Both of them hesitated when the waiter came to clear the plates and asked if they would like anything else. Carolyn didn’t want to be the first to call for the check.
“I understand the chicken dishes here come highly recommended,” Ellis said.
“I saw that the special this evening is parmesan-crusted chicken breast with some kind of chutney. It’s not always easy to find a place that knows how to serve it. Maybe we should give the chicken and chutney a try.”
“Sounds good.” Carolyn was surprised at how relaxed she felt.
Dinner provided more space for them to settle in, find interesting topics, and compare their shared interest in certain programs on the History Channel and the Travel Channel.
For dessert they both ordered crème brûlée. Ellis told her he worked in sales for a shipping company in Silicon Valley. Even though he didn’t give details, she got the impression he had done well because he talked about his world travels and had a funny story of nearly falling off an elephant when he was in India on business.
She considered mentioning that her mother lived in the Canary Islands but didn’t feel ready to divulge that sort of personal information.
Ellis talked about a place called San Remy and how that was where he would like to live one day. Carolyn knew where San Ramon was and San Rafael, but she never had heard of San Remy. “Is that near Palo Alto?”
Ellis seemed to hide a grin. “No, it’s outside of Paris. To the northeast. I don’t know exactly why, but I’m taken with the area.”
Carolyn felt as if she were out of her league and yet that made her feel even more flattered that he still was showing interest in her.
Ellis pulled out his credit card to pay the check, and Carolyn reached for her purse. “Let’s split the check.”
“No, please, I want to cover it. I insist.”
Carolyn protested, but he persuaded her to do him the honor of accepting this small kindness in exchange for her delightful presence. Once again she was flattered as well as intrigued. She was mesmerized talking with Ellis once they had moved past the bumpy first few topics.
As they returned to the parking lot, Carolyn thanked him again for the meal, and he thanked her again for her company. She decided that he had a nice-looking face. He wasn’t handsome, in her estimation. His ears were large for his oval-shaped face, and his chin was too narrow for the sole patch of beard he seemed to be attempting to grow.
She decided part of her interest in him was due to the way he salvaged the conversation and talked about interesting topics in places outside of Northern California. She hoped he would suggest another get-together. When he didn’t ask, she felt disappointed and wondered self-consciously if he didn’t find her as interesting as she found him.
They did agree to exchange cell phone numbers, and that renewed Carolyn’s sense of hope. Their parting was as unrelaxed as their greeting, and Carolyn felt relieved finally to be back in her car. Driving home, she felt the nervous conglomeration of emotions and hesitations tangling her thoughts once again. She didn’t know enough about Ellis. Why had he said he wasn’t exactly “available” either? Had Ellis lost his wife, or was he divorced? He didn’t mention any children. He didn’t say much about anything outside of his job and travels. But then, this meeting was supposed to be light and breezy. No interrogating needed. She certainly didn’t want to reveal personal information about her life.
She did, however, try to convince herself that it was okay to enjoy this unexpected attention. Ellis’s noticing her and seeking her out was flattering. Once she was home and in the safe setting of her own living room, Carolyn tried to express her feelings in a noncommittal way when she summarized her evening for Tikki.
“Do you think he was waiting for you to suggest a second date?” Tikki asked.
“I don’t know. I’m going to let everything settle and just see what happens.”
“You can always call or text him in a few days to see how he responds.”
Carolyn took a sip of the tea Tikki had prepared for them and shook her head. “It’s such a different world: texting and messaging.”
Tikki grinned.
“What? Are you laughing because I’m so technologically challenged?”
“No, I would never tease you about that.”
“Yeah, right.”
The two exchanged the happy look of best friends, and Carolyn was glad Tikki was there for her tonight.
“Are you ready for a surprise?” Tikki asked.
“I don’t know. What kind of surprise?”
“Come with me. You’ll see.” Tikki sprang to her feet and led Carolyn upstairs to the first vacant bedroom. She switched on the light and called out, “Ta-da!”
“You painted the whole room, Tikki!”
“It’s not a very big room. You had everything ready to go. All I did was pour the paint and pick up the roller. What do you think?”
“It’s beautiful!”
“You picked a great color. It has only one coat, but since this shade is so light it’ll need another coat. I think you have enough paint.”
“You did such a great job, Tikki. I love it. Thank you.” Carolyn felt choked up, thinking about how many times she had wanted to freshen up this room. It was the room Marilyn had occupied for the past six years, and neither Marilyn nor her daughters shared Carolyn’s interest or enthusiasm in redecorating.
Carolyn wrapped her arms around Tikki and gave her a long hug.
“I’ll help you paint my old room too, if you want.”
Carolyn felt silly-giddy over the prospect of having someone she loved joining her side by side in a project. They went together to check out Tikki’s old room and have a look at the paint Carolyn had picked out. It was a pale spring-green shade called “D
ragonfly.”
“Can we roll out a swatch of it on the wall? I want to see how it’s going to look.” Tikki already was opening the paint can.
Then, because it was so invigorating to see a patch of the fresh color on the traumatized walls and because Tikki was Carolyn’s daughter and they both were eager to start, the two of them gleefully went to work. They had the whole room painted well before midnight and stood back to admire their handiwork.
“The first time your dad and I painted this room was before you were born. We painted it pale yellow with a border of fluffy little lambs.”
“I remember those lambs. They were in a border that ran across the middle of the wall.”
“That’s right, and one day you took a knife from the kitchen and tried to lift the border off the wall. Do you remember that? You were seven.”
Tikki grinned. She had a streak of pale green paint on her cheek, and her hair was piled up on top of her head in a floppy bun. Her countenance reflected her impish, seven-year-old self once again. “I wanted princesses on my wall, didn’t I?”
“Yes. You insisted we do away with the baby stuff and give you a purple room.”
“I remember its being more of a lavender shade.”
“It was. That’s because I wouldn’t let you pick the final color.”
“What a mean mom you were!”
Carolyn laughed. “Someday I’ll show you the eggplant shade you were stuck on. Trust me, on the paint chip it might have looked like your pretty little princess doll’s dress, but on the walls it would have closed in this room and sent you into a deep depression before your eighth birthday.”
“Then I’m glad you intervened. You have great taste, Mom. What are you going to do with these two rooms now?”
“I’m still deciding. One of them will be a guest room. Which one do you think it should be?”
As they discussed options, Tikki stopped and said, “I almost forgot. Aunt Frieda called while you were gone tonight. She said to tell you that she can’t go to the Canary Islands this summer because she’s going to have surgery on her knee. She said you shouldn’t worry about the surgery because it’s not a complicated procedure. But then she said this means we really have to go with her this fall because the hope that will come from looking forward to our trip will be the sunshine that waits for her behind the storm clouds. Or something like that. The sunshine and cloud part was one of her Spanish sayings, so I might not have gotten it right.”