"It must be nice to be rich," Elise said to me.
"Yeah, but sometimes these people just take everything for granted and they don't even realize what they have. When we come here on vacation, we get to fully enjoy everything. So, rich smitch, who cares?" It was a total ramble of bullshit, but I guess Elise got my point. She rested her head on my shoulder and I put my arm around her and we watched the waves for a few more minutes until the kids started yelling at us from the telescope.
"MOM!!!" Elliot yelled. "IT'S YOUR TURN TO LOOK IN THE WALL-E!!! MOM!!! MOM!!! DID YOU HEAR ME, MOM?! IT’S YOUR TURN!!!"
"Yes, son. I hear you." She clenched her eyes shut tight, then asked me, "This is supposed to be a relaxing vacation, right?"
"Come on," I tell her, "we'll have fun. I promise. Let's go get some goddamn food, I am starving."
"Sounds good to me. Can this food be accompanied by a few beers?"
"Beer tastes like ass, but if you want some, have at it." She took her head off my shoulder and we turned and walked towards the kids, Wrecker trailing behind us, as usual.
Elise took a quick peak through the telescope then told the kids it was time to go get some dinner. We took the long way back up the hill, walking along the cliff-line until it dead-ended and we had no choice but to head back up.
I must say, the way back up was nowhere near as easy as the walk down. I had no idea we came down such a steep decline coming down there, and I am really paying the price now for being so out of shape. Elise and the kids seemed to have no problem but Wrecker and I were falling way behind.
"Hey, maybe if you had been wearing some Shape-Ups you wouldn't be about to collapse on the slightest of workouts," Elise yelled at me from far up ahead.
Very funny. I would rather have a heart attack right here in the middle of the street than wear those ridiculous shoes.
"I'm fine. Wrecker has little legs though and it is just taking him a little longer. I don't want to ditch him." If this were one of those shitty movies, the camera would have cut to a close-up shot of my dog staring into the camera, wide-eyed and tilting his head, probably accompanied by some terrible sound effect like a GONG to really drive the subtlety of the dog's objection home. Fucking Hollywood.
"Whatever you say, Fatso," Elise says to me, as she turns around and does a little jog to catch up to the kids.
Lousy showoff.
When we finally made it back to the top, Elise and the kids were sitting on the curb looking very bored. Elliot pretended to be asleep, then Eric started to pretend snore.
"The dog has little legs. Give me a break." Elise says. She gives my t-shirt a little tug and says, "Your Eve 6 shirt is soaked, Big Pun. Want to stop at your room and change?" All three of them started laughing.
Thanks a lot.
"Actually," I tell them, "yeah, that’s not a bad idea."
All three of them get up and we start walking back to the room. Poor Wrecker is barely conscious.
***
I leave the motel room with a fresh shirt on and Wrecker napping on the bed. I am starving.
Elise says, as I step outside, "Did you find a fresh, crappy nineties band t-shirt to change in to?"
"As a matter of fact, I did, Miss Lady. Thank you for asking," I tell her as I pull on the bottom of my shirt to reveal the full design.
"LFO? Are you freaking kidding me?" she asks in disbelief.
"Um, obviously not. In case you forgot, they did play at the East Hills Mall. Remember? And aww, look at that, you're wearing an Abercrombie and Fitch shirt. Me likey some girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch."
"Wow, and I am expected to go out to dinner with you in that?"
"That’s right, baby! Let’s go!"
She rolled her eyes at me and asked us what we were in the mood for.
"Anything," I say. "Except Chinese food. It makes me sick."
"Oh, brother."
6.
We got back to the motel a little after nine o'clock, and the kids were more than ready for bed. We had eaten dinner at a little Mexican place that stayed open surprisingly late, considering everything else in this town seems to close at around six.
Elise and the kids went into their room and I walked in to mine to greet Wrecker, who apparently had not moved since I dropped him off. As pathetic as it was, I was happy to be back in my room in front of the television. I could not wait to see what RTV was playing.
I unpacked my suitcase, Lysoled the room down like it was filled with AIDs, lifted up the mattress to make sure there weren't any dead whores rotting in the box spring, then put my clothes into the drawers. Then I pulled out my toothbrush and toothpaste and got ready for sleepytime. When I returned to bed, Knight Rider was just starting. It was going to be a long night.
***
I am not going to lie to you; I did not get much sleep. It was that damn RTV and their ridiculous programming. Really, they show Mike Hammer, Alfred Hitchcock Hour, Buck Rogers, Peter Gunn, Night Gallery and The Jack Benny Show, and they expect me to get some sleep? Impossible!
When the sun was getting ready to rise, I made the difficult decision to finally roll out of bed to use the bathroom. I was going to have to pretend I didn't stay up all night watching television so I needed to be fresh and awake. I hopped in the shower and decided to take a walk down to the cliff again; that way I could impress Elise and the kids by actually not being lazy for once and being up and ready to go with everyone else.
I stepped out of the shower, toweled off and got dressed in the shorts I just bought the other day and a Huey Lewis and the News t-shirt.
I grabbed Wrecker’s leash off the floor and hooked him up. Getting him to move was proving to be much more difficult than I had anticipated. I had to lift him from the bed and put him on the floor.
"Come on, buddy. We're taking a little walk. You need to go potty, anyway," I say to him. He returns my command with a completely blank stare. GONG!
"Come on, dude. We've got to go." I began pulling on the leash but he would not budge. "Come onnnn, I'm not messin' around here, dog. Let's go."
Still nothing.
I bent over, picked him up and walked out the door. I set him down on a small patch of grass behind the motel for dogs to do their business. It was here that I finally realized what was wrong with him. He was literally too sore to move. That walk we took yesterday was the most exercise this little guy has seen in months, maybe years. I stood there and watched him take the smallest of steps to his chosen spot to pee, and when he was finished, he just looked up at me and made it perfectly clear I was to pick him up and return him swiftly to the bed. I did as instructed and decided to spare him the pain of a walk to the cliff.
I left the television on for him, exited the room without him even noticing, and took off down the street. The air was brisk and chilly and I wished I had brought a sweatshirt with me. It actually proved unnecessary, though, as I was sweating by the time I hit the bottom of the hill. I really needed a treadmill at home.
I reached the edge of the cliff, took a seat on the disgusting bench and looked out over the giant toilet in front of me. The sun was starting to come up and the glare was going to give me a headache. I guess it is time to head back. That's enough for me. It is time for me to have a Zack Attack!
I stood up, started back towards the street and decided to stop at the Wall-E telescope to see what I could see.
I looked out over the ocean but couldn't see anything too spectacular, just magnified images of the same things I saw before. I turned the lenses towards the three houses on the cliff, just to check them out. A light was on in the house closest to me, but the other two still seemed to be dark and quiet. I looked down at the beach below and saw a man and a woman standing in the sand. I assumed these were the owners of the house with the lights on, as the only way I could see to get down there was from stairs leading from their home.
I decided to be nosey a bit and spy on them a lit
tle. It was harmless. The light was still pretty low and I was too far away to really see what they were doing. I doubted they could see me.
The man was wearing a suit, which struck me as a bit odd, seeing as he was standing on the beach at 6am, and the woman had shoulder length blonde hair and looked to be wearing a housedress or maybe a nightie. I couldn't really tell. I watched them for a few seconds more and I saw the woman raise her arms several times. I was pretty sure they were arguing. Sweet!
This went on for a few minutes until the woman stormed off in what appeared to be quite the rage. I couldn't help but giggle to myself a little. I'm such a dick.
The man in the suit came jogging up behind the woman, trying to catch up with her. It looked like he was holding something but I couldn’t tell what it was. The man raised his arm and it kinda looks like he is holding a big... Holy shit! The woman turns around just in time to see the man swing a rock right at her forehead. The woman dropped like weight off Christian Bale in an indie flick.
I quickly looked around to see if there was anyone out for an early morning walk. No luck. I was alone.
I returned to the telescope to see the man on his knees, leaning over the woman. He continued to beat in her skull with the rock.
There was nothing I could do and no one to save me. I was completely helpless...and rather selfish it would seem. Oh well.
The man stood up, I guess when he was satisfied the woman was dead, and looked around for any witnesses. I wanted to run away so he wouldn't spot me but my legs would not move. I just stayed there, all Christopher Reevesy, with a dumb-ass look of shock on my face.
He obviously didn't spot me so high up because he grabbed the woman by the arms and began dragging her. He reached the ocean but still kept walking backwards, right into it, suit and all. I stood there and watched as he walked her out in to the water, let her go, and watched the tide carry her away like a fading dream.
I guess he decided to take one more look around, just to make sure. That is when he saw me.
7.
So, once again, I am not going to lie to you here. When my legs finally decided to work, I backed the fuck up, rubbed my eyes to make sure this was real life, and then took the fuck off. No time for love, Dr. Jones! I ran back up the hill towards the house and only made it a pathetic one-quarter of the way before I had to stop and take a breather. I made myself feel better by saying that I was quite out of harm’s way, seeing as there was no way that guy could have gotten up to street level and found me, let alone even recognize me. So yeah, I stood in the middle of the street keeled over with my hands on my knees doing my best not to die as an image flashed through my stupid mind of Steven Seagal running in every movie he ever made that actually played in theaters, and I started to chuckle to myself. Why did he run with his palms open? Hey look, it's Gino! Why is he running like a woman?!
Seriously, I am keeled over in the street after just witnessing a murder and I'm giggling about the way my beloved action hero runs. I have some serious problems.
I decide to walk the rest of the way back up the hill. I'm pretty sure I am in no danger. When I reach the motel, I decide to not bang on Elise's door just yet. Why? I have no idea. But, my mind has focused on a delicious Rockstar now and before I sit and tell this story to Elise and then to the cops, I'm going to need to be on the top of my game, so I decide to take a little walk to the Shell Beach Grocery and pick myself up an icy, over-priced, highly caffeinated beverage. As I am leaving, I notice a little plaque on the side of the building informing me that the former manager of the store and her entire immediate family were killed by a drunken hit-and-run driver. To myself I say, "I know how that feels," then I am immediately flushed with sadness, not only with the thought of my mother who was killed by a drunk, or my wife, but for this family I never knew. People make me so angry. I have never felt bad or like I was missing out by never really fitting in with them. I think it is for the better, the way I am.
I continue my walk back to Elise's room and give it a little knock. Elise opens the door and gives her eyes a rub.
"Archie? You're up and ready before me?"
"Yeah, shocking huh?"
"Yes, very," she says.
"I thought you were always up and ready by 5am?"
"I'm on vacation, Archie. And it’s barely six, anyway. What's up?"
"Actually," I tell her, "I need to talk to you outside."
"Um, okay," she says as she steps outside. "Mommy will just be outside for minute, guys."
"Okay, so um, I decided to go for a little walk down to the cliff this morning."
"Okay? Is that why you're sweating like that Rabbi when Chris Hansen walked out and told him to take a seat?"
Heh. I was sweating rather badly. Pathetic. I decided to ignore the comment and press on. "So, I'm standing there looking through the telescope, at nothing in particular, and I see this man and woman on the beach, way down by those three big houses."
"Okay. What’s your point?"
"I'm getting to it. God, who are you, me? Patience, Daniel-son...So I'm standing there and just watching this couple on the beach and then it looks like they start to argue. The woman gets pissed I guess and starts to walk away from the man...who was wearing a suit! On the beach! Like, what the fuck, right? Anyway, the girl starts walking away and the dude picks up a rock or something and bashes her in the back of the head with it."
The gasp from Elise actually startled me a bit. She was quite taken aback by the shocking twist my seemingly innocent and pointless story had taken.
"Are you serious?" she asked.
"Yes, I'm quite serious."
"What the hell did you do?"
"I stood there and watched! The guy bent down and kept hitting her until I guess she was dead. Then he picked her up and walked her out into the ocean!"
"Shut your mouth!"
"I'm serious."
"Archie Lemons, if you are lying to me, I swear to God I am going to hit YOU with a rock!"
Three fingers shot up in the air as I said "Scout's honor."
"That's the Girl Scout's salute, Nancy."
"Oh," I said as I lowered one finger. "Whatevs." (Then, I lowered one more finger, if ya catch my drift.)
"Archie, have you slept? Your eyes are really bloodshot."
"Me sleeping is irrelevant to the story."
"Archie..."
"Okay, I haven't slept because of that goddamn RTV and their amazing line-up, but I sure as shit know what I saw."
"Wow. Okay. So. Did you call the cops?"
"No, my fat ass couldn't even run up the hill all the way. Then I got sidetracked and went to the store."
"You stopped off for a drink after witnessing a murder?!"
"Yeah. Let’s leave the part out of the story when we call the cops."
"Yeah," she said. "That's probably a good idea."
"Yeah, so... You want to call or what?"
"Me?"
"Yeah," I tell her, "nobody gives a shit about what some dude has to say. People believe girls. Especially good lookin' ones."
"Archie! You are reporting a murder. I really don't think the cops are going to care who calls."
"Even so. Come on..."
"God, fine, give me your phone, punk."
I reach into my pocket and grab my phone. I check for any new texts messages, to which there are none, probably because I have no friends, and then I click on my Facebook app to see if I have missed anything exciting back home. Apparently, this was annoying to Elise because she socked me in the arm and ripped the phone from my hand.
"Don't read my messages!"
"Jesus Christ, Archie."
She opened the phone app and dials 911. Before she can hit call, I stop her. "Wait, 911 is for emergencies. I'm pretty sure that poor ol' lady in the ocean is pretty far past the emergency stage. She's so dead she's probably at like the Casual Call
to the Police stage."
"God, shut up and let me make the call."
"Man, you are grumpy in the morning."
I took her advice and shut up and she shot me the dirtiest goddamn look I had ever seen. I slowly backed away from her and let her make the call.
When she hung up, she told me the cops would be arriving here in a minute to take our statement and they will go from there. I wasn't too keen on having the cops cruise up right to where we were staying, just in case Suit Man went for a little drive. Leading him directly to my room didn't seem like the best idea, but I guess I didn't have a choice. It's not as if we could pack up the kids and take them to the police station.
Turns out Shell Beach is way too small to have their own police department, and all operations are out of Pismo Beach, five minutes up the road. When the PBPD cruiser pulled up to our motel, I politely asked if they could park around the corner. I was quite taken aback when they happily obliged. Big difference between the Bakersfield, P.D., where they take everything you say as an insult and threaten to arrest you for it...or shoot you.