He struggled to find something genuine between them, a bridge to her. Something to ease the tension and give them a starting point. "It's wild here. Beautiful and wild, Abbey. No wonder you love this place."
"Yes, it is. I've always felt lucky growing up here." It was much easier paddling in the calmer water and Abbey pointed to the shore where the beach sparkled and glittered everywhere he looked. "That's Glass Beach, right in the middle of Fort Bragg. It's very unique and quite beautiful in its own way. It has tons of polished glass and people come to find the right colors they want."
"How can there be a beach of glass?"
"It was originally a dump site. For years, the ocean has pounded the glass, shaping and polishing it until the pieces look like beautiful glass stones." Abigail gestured toward the huge rock formations jutting up along the shore. "I doubt if we're going to find anything here, and in any case it's too close to a popular, well-frequented beach. They'd want a place far more secluded."
They rowed through the hundreds of rock formations strewn along the beach, paddling until their arms were weary. There were shallow channels and several caves, but nothing that would work to hide a boat. The kayaks wouldn't fit into the few small openings and Abigail was certain they were still too close to shore and the smugglers would never risk being seen. They went around the next point where the cove was. The entire beach was private property.
Abigail immediately began maneuvering around the rocks to make certain there was nowhere a boat could be hidden. "I don't think there are any caves here, Sasha. At least I've never noticed any and I have gone kayaking along this shore many times."
"You're getting tired."
Abigail could feel his voice caress her skin. It seemed to sink through her skin and wind itself around her heart. Not for the first time she wondered if Aleksandr had magic of his own because she couldn't help reacting to him, every single time she heard him. "A little. I haven't done this in a while and I'm out of shape. What about you?" He didn't look tired. He looked as if he were enjoying himself. The spray skirt covered his legs, but she could see the powerful muscles of his back and arms working as he drove the kayak through the water.
"You said you had a code, Abbey. Do you?" The question seemed to come out of the blue and she struggled to find his motive for asking. He knew very well she lived by her honor as best she could. Whatever his reasons, she didn't want to be drawn in.
A touch of wind found them, slipped over her and brushed her cheek so that she almost didn't hear him. It wasn't the words, so much as how he said it. She remembered that voice from Moscow, when she loved him. When she'd do anything for him. When he made her feel as if she were the only woman in his world. Special beyond all imagining. Knowing she would be better off keeping her mouth shut, she nevertheless raised her chin, taking comfort from the touch of wind. "I know that I do. What about you? Do you have a code, Sasha?"
"Absolutely I live by one, Abbey." His gaze slid over her. "You know that I do. You know I will never turn away from a path when I know it is right."
"And it was right to sacrifice me for your career?" Why couldn't she stop? She could hear herself screaming to stop but she wanted to hurt him and she wasn't doing anything but hurting herself.
"No. Never for my career. For the lives of the other children the monster would have murdered. I would not trade lives for my own happiness, or for yours." He spoke quietly but his eyes were turbulent and a deep, dark blue. "I can't change who I am, Abbey. I can't undo the things I've done in my life. I can only tell you I love you and I want you in my life."
She looked away from him, looked away from the conviction in him, the lack of remorse. Abigail swallowed several times before she was certain she had complete command of her voice. "That's the last point before we're at Noyo Harbor. If we don't find what you're looking for, we'll have to try another day, leaving from the harbor and going farther south along the coastline."
"Do you really think I made the wrong decision?"
She stopped paddling and made a show of adjusting her seat. When she looked at him she deliberately met his gaze. "I want to know if you knew about my talent before we actually met." She waited in agony for what seemed a lifetime. In reality it was only a heartbeat of silence.
"Yes, I did."
The pain came out of nowhere, taking her by surprise. She could hear herself screaming with it, deep inside where no one else could hear. She told herself she had been expecting that answer, but it didn't lessen the stabbing, relentless ache. She had given him everything she was, everything she'd ever wanted to be. She had given so much of what she was, she had nothing left when he'd thrown her so carelessly away.
Abigail made every effort to keep him from knowing he'd gotten to her once again. She even told herself not to ask any other questions. She didn't want to know the extent of his betrayal, but she'd always been stubborn and filled with pride. "And my taking your picture was just an added bonus? A way to meet me so you could use me?"
"Yes."
Abigail turned away from him, slipping through the water with sure strong strokes to enter the bay. The screaming inside her rose until it was bile in her throat, until her ears roared and her temples throbbed. Pain ran so deep there were no words in her to tell him...or anyone else. She didn't want to feel. Not ever again.
She kept her face averted as she scanned the coastline looking for the arches and darker areas that would indicate openings in the rock. Tears blurred her vision, but she shook her head to rid herself of them. He didn't need to know she'd never loved anyone before him. Or after him. Or even that he still had the ability to hurt her.
Abigail spotted several caves near the point. "Jackpot." She forced the word past the painful constriction in her throat.
"Stay behind me, Abbey."
"And your reasoning would be what? To protect me?" She quirked an eyebrow, but kept her face averted. "I think it's a little too late for that, Sasha."
"I'm not arguing about this. I'm taking the lead and you hang back." There was steel in his voice and a whip of anger.
Aleksandr was a man very much in control. For him to betray anger meant she was definitely hitting sore spots. She dropped back, allowing him the lead. If someone was lying in wait, Aleksandr had to be thinking about danger, not about being angry with her. Or maybe it was at himself. She gave him room to maneuver and followed him toward the first cave.
The cave was large enough to paddle into and Aleksandr did so with little hesitation, studying the high walls and roomy area. A boat could definitely slide inside and not be seen. With the chamber being so wide, it echoed and boomed as the waves slammed into the rock barrier, and inside the cavern the water was extremely rough. He relied on Abigail to remain outside to warn him of the larger waves coming into the cave that might be dangerous. He tried to find some sign, some small bit of evidence that would indicate the speedboat had been hiding when the coast guard had gone looking for it, but there was nothing at all. There was a light coming through a crack on one side indicating there might be another opening along the series of caves.
Water had poured and pounded the rock formation, widening the holes and smoothing and polishing, over centuries. Aleksandr paddled around the cove to try to find the source of the light, but was disappointed when the crack was too small for the kayak. A speedboat wouldn't have fared any better. There was no way through the cave.
He shook his head at Abigail. She was trying to watch him, watch the ocean, and keep an eye on the surrounding cliffs and cove in case a sharpshooter was positioned somewhere in concealment, watching them. Aleksandr powered the kayak along the bridge of rock to the next cave. This appeared far more promising. The chamber was quite large and could easily hide a speedboat. The water was far calmer, although much more shallow.
"I'm going in, Abigail. The water's about a meter deep, but the chamber goes all the way back and looks as if there's more to it than I can see from here. The water's far calmer in this cave and I don't like you bein
g so exposed out here. Anyone could be sitting up in those rocks. I don't want you getting shot at again."
Abigail didn't particularly care to be a sitting target either, so she followed him into the large chamber, paddling all the way through it to the back where waves crashed into a smaller tunnel.
"We might be able to make it on through," Aleksandr said. "What do you think?"
"I doubt they'd take a speedboat in there." She peered as far inside as she could. "It looks as if it makes a turn toward the left and narrows a bit. We might make it through, but I don't think they'd risk it. I think this cave is close to the harbor and they more than likely hid out here while the coast guard looked for them. If they had to abandon the boat they could make it back to shore with diving gear."
"If that tunnel goes all the way through to that other cave, they have a handy escape route," he reasoned.
"Let's look around in here first before we try it," Abigail suggested. "If we find anything at all to indicate they might have used the tunnel, then we'll see if we can make it through."
She paddled around the inside of the chamber, peering down into the water while he examined the rocky walls and the few outcroppings and ledges for any evidence that might indicate the men who shot Danilov had been in the chamber. If they'd used it once, there was a good chance they would use it again and Aleksandr would be waiting.
"There are caves over by Sea Lion Cove," Abigail said. "Isn't it more likely they'd use a place close to the mill and the smugglers' route on a more permanent basis? They'd have to have a place to stash the boat when they weren't using it."
"Not necessarily."
Abigail turned sharply and stared at him. "Who are you chasing, Sasha? Are they art thieves? Is Jonas being fed a line of bull?"
"My country has one of the highest ratios for stolen art in the world," he said.
"That isn't an answer."
"You saw the necklace. It is genuine."
Abigail felt the small flutter in the pit of her stomach, the one that always warned her when the truth was something more than what she was hearing. She'd felt that flutter four years ago and hadn't acted fast enough. "Aleksandr, don't send Jonas on a wild-goose chase. He doesn't deserve that."
"His job is to find out who killed Danilov. The murder occurred in his jurisdiction and I'm certain he'll take his job seriously. He's that kind of man. My job is to shut down the drain of artifacts coming out of our country and to recover what I can."
"Then why are we out here paddling kayaks looking for that speedboat?"
He glanced up, his eyes glittering, diamond hard. "It happens to be part of my investigation."
Abigail shivered. He had changed in the last four years. There'd always been an edge to Aleksandr, a side of him she could never quite reach, but it seemed more pronounced now. Jonas had warned her away from Aleksandr, and Jonas was a shrewd judge of character.
Without warning Aleksandr reached over and dragged her kayak close to his so they were facing each other. "Get that look off your face. I may deserve anger from you, but not that."
Her heart jumped wildly and her hand went to her throat in a gesture of defense. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Fear." He snarled the word. "You have never had reason to be afraid of me. You're looking at me as if I might whip out a gun and shoot you. I don't deserve that from you and I'm damned sick of seeing it."
She bit back a retort. She wanted to fight with him. She wanted to be at odds with him so she could keep him at arm's length, but his behavior was very unusual. Aleksandr didn't fight or argue. It wasn't his way. Abigail didn't like to argue either and most of their time spent together had been either hot and sexual, or lazy and pleasant. Worse than his strange behavior, and the unusual anger that seemed to be smoldering just beneath the surface, was the hurt in his eyes. She didn't want to see it. He didn't deserve to have her see it or acknowledge it, but she'd hurt him simply by the flash of fear she'd shown.
"I'm sorry, Sasha." She snapped her teeth together, annoyed that the words had slipped out. "I guess we really don't know one another very well anymore. It's been a long time. I've been through a few traumatic events and I'm not quite as strong as I used to be. Maybe it's the same for you."
She refused to stare into his eyes. She would not be mesmerized by him. She wouldn't believe in him or be dazzled by the strength of his personality or his driving purpose. She had to stay focused on what she could and couldn't live with. Aleksandr Volstov had been a beautiful dream, a figment of her imagination. The man with her now was hard, as tough as nails, and he would sacrifice anyone or anything for his purpose. She had to see him that way and no other or she would lose herself again.
Abigail peered over the side of her kayak, scanning the water. It was darker in the cave and the shadows made it difficult to see below the surface. A hole in the ceiling near the back allowed the sunlight to pour down across the water. She quartered slowly back and forth, keeping away from Aleksandr. Trying not to think or feel. There were so many rocks and nooks and the kelp swayed back and forth with the motion of the waves, making it nearly impossible to see anything.
"What's that?" He pointed to a spot just to her left.
Abigail moved slightly. The kelp alternately covered and revealed an object glinting in the sun. "I can't make it out."
"It's something shiny. Could be metal."
Retrieving the object was going to be a slight challenge. If they'd been in kayaks without skirts, they could hop off and fish around. But with the type of kayak they were using, once they got out in the water, they would have a difficult time getting back in without help. "Do you want it?" she asked.
"I'll get it," he said.
Abigail ignored him and leaned over as far as possible, her paddle locked firmly in one hand while she stretched her other arm toward the object, closed her eyes, and dove for it. Her hand landed clumsily on it, and she made her grab as she set up for the roll and came up dripping wet, the thing in her palm.
"Show-off," Aleksandr groused. "What is it?"
She opened her fist. "A watch." She held it out to him. "Do you recognize it?"
Aleksandr turned it over in his hands. "This was Danilov's watch. The bastards must have taken it off of him before they shot him."
"I'm sorry, Sasha. Why would they take it off of him?"
"We sometimes carry tracking devices. Danilov's was in his watch."
"How would they know that?"
"It may have been a guess."
His voice was distant, as if his mind were somewhere far away. The tight knot inside of her shifted and loosened. And that was frightening. She had lost herself after his betrayal. She could never go through such a thing again and she needed to keep her defenses up. His sorrow, his anger, all of his emotions ate away at her until she could only think of comforting him. She detested that particularly empathic part of her she could never control.
"What was he like?"
Aleksandr was silent for a long time. The ocean boomed against the rocks as the waves washed in and out endlessly. He sighed. "I worked with him, Abbey. I didn't socialize with him. I wish I could have gotten past that part of me, the kid raised by the state to work for the state and never trust anyone, but I've only done that one time." He pushed his hand through his hair, a sign of agitation she had rarely seen him make. "I should have talked with him more. He had a family, people he was close with." Aleksandr swore in his own language and looked away from her.
Abigail thought back to all the time she'd spent in his company. They had been so wrapped up in one another she hadn't considered that he'd never introduced her to friends. Coworkers, many times, but never friends. "You were so wonderful with Joley, Sasha, you knew exactly the right thing to say to her."
"I've had a lot of training, Abbey. I read people."
"Were you ever really in love with me?" The moment the words slipped out she wanted to stuff them back down her throat. Her throat was raw with pain and it came through
in her voice.
He swore again. "How can you ask me that?"
"You just told me our meeting wasn't an accident, that you knew about my abilities before you ever met me. I may have been naive, Aleksandr, but I'm a thinking person again. You arranged that meeting with me and you pretended to enjoy my company so I'd help you with your case."
"Damn it, Abbey. Children were dying. Do you want me to apologize because I wanted to use every tool available to me? I was fighting red tape, my superiors, parents, other agencies. He'd been killing for over two years. Do you want to know what my nightmares were like?"
For a moment his chest burned and his stomach knotted and churned. He wanted to shake her. He wanted to drag her off where they could be alone and she couldn't get away and would have to listen to him. It was a dark, primitive urge and he was slightly ashamed of it, but he wasn't going to apologize for the things he had to do. She hadn't been the one to examine the little bodies. And she wasn't the one to tell the parents their child wasn't coming home because a sick and twisted monster had taken them. And she wasn't the one fighting day and night to get assistance, any assistance, when no one wanted to admit it was happening. Or even that it could happen.
She studied his face. His anger turned his eyes a dark blue and put small white lines around his mouth. "Why didn't you just ask me to help you?"
"I didn't know you. I didn't know what you were like. You were from another country and you had a talent I didn't really understand. If I had it to do over again, Abbey, I'd have told you the truth from the start, but even if I wasn't truthful about having prior knowledge of your abilities, believe that my feelings for you were--and are--genuine. You didn't just change my life, you changed me. Something inside me is different. I thought I could exist without you, but I can't. I can't and it doesn't make any sense."
"Aleksandr." She tried to stop him but he shook his head.
"No, you did this. You made it impossible for me to be alive without you. The work doesn't matter the way it did. I go through the motions and I get the job done, but it isn't the same. I had purpose and drive and you took that away with you. I've thought a lot about this. God knows I've had enough time to think about it. You're angry and you're hurt and I accept that you have a right to be, but it doesn't change the fact that we're supposed to be together. I'm not willing to just throw away what we had."