FISHING
UNLUCKY FISHERMAN--"Boy, will you sell that big string of fish you arecarrying?"
BOY--"No, but I'll take yer pitcher holdin' it fer fiftycents."--_Judge_.
Two small boys went fishing and while one of them was having goodluck, the other didn't even get a bite. The unlucky lad silentlybegan to make preparation for departure. "Aw, wait a while," urged theother. "You might be lucky if you keep at it."
"There ain't no use," was the disgusted reply, "my darned worm ain'ttryin'."
"Some men," said Uncle Eben, "goes fishin' not so much foh de sake ofde fish as foh de chance to loaf without bein' noticed."
FLATTERY
The man who is not injured by flattery is as hard to find as the onewho is improved by criticism.
Flattery is a sort of moral peroxide--it turns many a woman's head.
"Oi hate flattery," said O'Brien the other day. "Flattery makes yethink ye are betther than ye are, an' no man livin' can iver be that."
THE CONVERSATIONALIST (to well-known author)--"I'm so delighted tomeet you! It was only the other day I saw something of yours, aboutsomething or other, in some magazine."
WILBUR (indicating a couple in the background)--"Funny that such astunning-looking woman should marry such a dub as that."
FLATTE--"Well, I don't know. No accounting for those things. Now, youtake your wife--she's a ripper."--_Life_.
The admiration which Bob felt for his Aunt Margaret included all herattributes.
"I don't care much for plain teeth like mine, Aunt Margaret," saidBob, one day, after a long silence, during which he had watched her inlaughing conversation with his mother. "I wish I had some copper-toedones like yours."
A gentleman who discovered that he was standing on a lady's train hadthe presence of mind to remark:
"Tho I may not have the power to draw an angel from the skies, I havepinned one to the earth." The lady excused him.
"Sir," said the angry woman, "I understand you said I had a face thatwould stop a street-car in the middle of the block."
"Yes, that's what I said," calmly answered the mere man.
"It takes an unusually handsome face to induce a motorman to make astop like that."
FOOD
DINER--"See here, where are those oysters I ordered on the halfshell?"
WAITER--"Don't get impatient, sah. We're dreffle short on shells; butyou're next, sah."
During a particularly nasty dust-storm at one of the camps a recruitventured to seek shelter in the sacred precincts of the cook's domain.
After a time he broke an awkward silence by saying to the cook:
"If you'd put the lid on that camp-kettle you would not get so much ofthe dust in your soup."
The irate cook glared at the intruder, and then broke out: "See here,me lad. Your business is to serve your country."
"Yes," interrupted the recruit, "but not to eat it."
It was a small cafe and the customer overheard this from the waiter:
"Don't throw that toast into the alley, chef. I gotta customer for aclub sandwich."
WAITER--"And will you take the macaroni au gratin, sir?"
OFFICER--"No macaroni-by gad! It's too doocid difficult to mobilize."
The second course of the table d'hote was being served.
"What is this leathery stuff?" demanded the diner.
"That, sir, is filet of sole," replied the waiter.
"Take it away," said the diner, "and see if you can't get me a nice,tender piece from the upper part of the boot."
The new boarder sniffed at the contents of his coffee-cup and set itdown.
"Well," queried the landlady in a peevish tone, "have you anything tosay against the coffee?"
"Not a word," he answered. "I never speak ill of the absent."
An attendant entered carrying a thin red object.
"Did any patient order a postage stamp?"
"Maybe," said one feebly, "that's my mutton chop rare."
"Are caterpillars good to eat?" asked little Tommy at the dinnertable.
"No," said his father; "what makes you ask a question like that whilewe are eating?"
"You had one on your lettuce, but it's gone now," replied Tommy.
FOOD CONSERVATION
"Well, Ezri, how'd jer make out with yer boarders this year?"
"Fine! Best season I ever had. There was seven, all told--threecouples in love an' a dyspeptic."--_Life_.
The boarders were dropping hints as to the kind of dinner they'd liketo have on Christmas Day. But the landlady was astute. "What'sthe difference," she asked the solemn man at the end of the table,"between a turkey dinner and a mess of stewed prunes?"
"I don't know," he answered, suspicious of some entangling conundrum.
"Does nobody know?" she asked, looking round the table.
They all professed ignorance. "In that case," she said, "I may as wellserve prunes at Christmas and save money."
FOOLS
"Did you really call this gentleman an old fool last night?" asked thejudge.
The prisoner tried hard to collect his thoughts.
"Well, the more I look at him, the more likely it seems that I did,"he replied.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.--_Cowper_.
Fools, to talking ever prone, Are sure to make their follies known.
--_Gay_.
He explained it clearly to her: "Wise men hesitate, you see. None butfools will say they're certain."
"Are you sure of that?" said she.
"Yes," he answered, "I am certain--certain as can be of that"
Then he wondered just what she was laughing at.
Two Hebrews went in business together in a small town, and one wentto New York to buy the goods, while the other stayed at home. The onethat stayed at home got the bills a few days after his partner wasin New York. The bills came as follows: "24 doz. neckwear and 8 doz.ditto; 24 suits and 4 ditto; 18 pants and 12 ditto." This ditto partbothered the one at home and he telegraphed his brother to come home.When his brother arrived he showed him the bills and said:
"Vat do it mean you shall buy ditto for a closing (clothing)business?"
His brother said: "I buy ditto?"
"Yes, here's de bills."
"Vell, dey stuck me in New York."
So he returned to New York and found that ditto meant the same. Hecame back home, and his brother meeting him at the depot said:
"Vell, Abie, did you find out vat ditto is?"
And Abie said: "Yes, I find out vat a ditto is--I'm a d--m fool andyou're a ditto."
RAYMOND--"What the deuce do you mean by telling Joan that I am afool?"
GEORGE--"Heavens! I'm sorry--was it a secret?"
Fools never understand people of wit.--_Vauvenargues_.
LEA--"I wonder if Professor Kidder meant anything by it?"
PERKINS--"By what?"
LEA--"He advertised a lecture on 'Fools,' and when I bought a ticketit was marked 'Admit one.'"
FORDS
"So you bought one of those automobiles they tell so many funnystories about?"
"Yes," replied Mr. Chuggins. "And it is saving me a lot of trouble andwear and tear. When your friends tell you jokes about your car theydon't expect you to ask them to ride in it."
_If--With Apologies to Kipling_
If you can keep your Ford when those about you are selling theirsand buying Cadillacs; if you can just be tickled all to pieces whennotified to pay your license-tax; if you can feel a quiet sense ofpleasure when driving on a rough and hilly road, and never move amuscle of your visage when underneath you hear a tire explode; if youcan plan a pleasant week-end journey and tinker at your car a day orso, then thrill with joy on that eventful morning to find no skill ofyours can make it go; if you can gather up your wife and children, puton your glad rags, and start off for church, then have to wade aroundin greasy gearings and spoil the best of all your stock of shirts,yet through it all maintain that sweet composure, that gentle calm
befitting such events; if you can sound a bugle-note of triumph whensteering straight against a picket-fence; if you can keep your temper,tongue, and balance when on your back beneath your car you pose, and,struggling there to fix a balky cog-wheel, you drop a monkey-wrenchacross your nose; if you can smile as gasoline goes higher, and singa song because your motor faints--your place is not with common erringmortals; your home is over there among the saints!--_J. Edward Tufft_.
It is admittedly difficult to recover a lost flivver. But the bestsuggestion comes from our own Mrs. Eckstrom, who advises an ad.:"Lizzie, come home; all is forgiven."
"Why are school-teachers like Ford cars?"
"Because they give the most service for the least money."--_Life_.
"Yes, indeed," argues the Ford salesman, "this little car is a greatinvestment. You put a few dollars into a Ford and right away it runsinto thousands."
A flivver in Newton, Kan., broke the arms of four persons whoattempted to crank it in less than a week. That's what comes ofcrossing a bicycle with a mule.
Lew McCall says that motorists who come through Columbus en route forKansas City have about the following conversations when they stop atthe filling station here:
If it's a Cadillac, the driver says: "How far is it to Kansas City?""One hundred forty miles," is the reply. "Gimme twenty gallons ofgas and a gallon of oil," says the driver. Then comes a Buick and thechauffeur says: "How far is it to Kansas City?" "One hundred fortymiles." "Gimme ten gallons of gas and a half-gallon of oil." and hedrives on. Along comes a flivver and the driver uncranks himself,gets out and stretches, and asks: "How far is it to Kansas City?""Oh, about one hundred forty miles." "Is that all? Gimme two quarts ofwater and a bottle of 3 in 1, and hold this son-of-a-gun until I getin."
Possibly the apex of sarcasm or something was reached the other daywhen Jones took his flivver to a repair shop and asked the man therewhat was the best thing to do with it.
The repair-man looked the car over in silence for several minutes,after which he grasped the horn and tooted it. "You've a good hornthere," he remarked, quietly. "Suppose you jack it up and run a newcar under it?"
A Gentleman who was visiting his lawyer for the purpose of making hiswill, insisted that a final request be attached to the document. Therequest was, that his Ford car be buried with him after he died. Hislawyer tried to make him see how absurd this was, but failed, so heasked the gentleman's wife to use her influence with him. She did thebest she could, but she also failed.
"Well, John," she said finally, "tell me _why_ you want your Ford carburied with you?"
"Because I have never gotten into a hole yet but what my Ford couldpull me out," was the reply.
Young lady on a country road in a Ford car which has bucked andrefuses to move, asks a farmer who is plowing in an adjoiningfield--"Do you know anything about a Ford?"
"Nope--nuthin' except a lot of stories, ma'am--giddap."
FOREIGNERS
TEACHER--"Who was the first man?"
HEAD SCHOLAR--"Washington; he was first in war, first in--"
TEACHER--"No, no; Adam was the first man."
HEAD SCHOLAR-"Oh! if you're talking of foreigners, I s'pose he was."
FORESIGHT
"Are you going to pay any attention to these epithets that are beinghurled at you?"
"Yes, indeed," answered Senator Sorghum. "I'm having them allcarefully copied and filed away. I may need them when it comes my turnto call names."
"Now, then, my hearties," said the gallant captain, "you have a toughbattle before you. Fight like heroes till your powder is gone; thenrun. I'm a little lame, and I'll start now."
FORGETFULNESS
_See_ Memory.
FORTUNE HUNTERS
"This bill was innocent on its face, but beneath there lurked a mostsinister significance."
The speaker, Senator Clarke, was discussing in Little Rock a measureof which he disapproved.
"The bill reminded me, in fact," he said, "of a Little Rock, urchin'squestion. His question, innocent enough in appearance, dear knows, wasthis:
"'Would you mind making a noise like a frog, uncle?'"
"'And why,' said the uncle, with an amused smile, 'why, Tommy, do youdesire me to make a noise like a frog?'"
"'Because,' replied the urchin, 'whenever I ask daddy to buy meanything he always says, 'Wait till your uncle croaks.'"
"Here's poetic justice for you. One of these oil-stock promotersmarried a woman for her money."
"Yes?"
"Only to discover that she had invested it all in his oil stock."
"I wanted the gold, and I sought it; I scrabbled and munched like a slave. Was it famine or scurvy--I fought it; I hurled my youth into the grave.
"I wanted the gold and I got it-- Came out with a fortune last fall-- Yet somehow life's not what I thought it, And somehow the gold isn't all."
--_George Matthew Adams_.
"Mamma," said the Young Thing, "I want you to stop forcing me into Mr.Gottit's company all the time. People are talking."
"But, my dear," protested the Solicitous Lady, "he is a wonderfulcatch!"
"He may be, Mamma, but if you keep on thinking you are pitcher, he'llget onto your curves and throw the game."
EDITH--"I think Jack is horrid. I asked him if he had to choosebetween me and a million which he would take, and he said themillion."
MARIE--"That's all right. He knew if he had the million you'd beeasy,"
FOUNTAIN PENS
"Why do they call 'em fountain pens? I should say reservoir pen wouldbe the better name. A reservoir contains liquids; a fountain throws'em around."
"I think fountain pen is the proper name," said the party of thesecond part.
FRANKLIN
Franklin, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literarysociety, and not well understanding French when declaimed,determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance expresssatisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understoodFrench, said to him, "But, grand-papa, you always applauded theloudest when they were praising you!" Franklin laughed heartily andexplained the matter.
FREAKS
'Tis well to seek to be unique, But being too odd makes a freak.
FREE VERSE
YOUNG THING--"I wonder why they call it free verse?"
THE POET--"That's simple. Did you ever try to sell any?"
FREEDOM OF SPEECH
Dean Jones of Yale is credited with this definition of freedom ofspeech: "The liberty to say what you think without thinking what yousay."
"I believe in free speech!" exclaimed the vociferous man.
"So do I," rejoined Uncle Bill Bottletop; "so do I. But in one respectfree speech reminds me of the free lunch in the old days. You hate tosee a man making a pig of himself just because something's free."
Words can be just as dangerous as acts. There is a common notion thatthe right of free speech implies the right to say anything we pleaseand relieves a man of all responsibility for his words. Every manshould recognize that hard words are just as dangerous as brickbats,and if he gets to throwing them around promiscuously he is liablefor the damage he does. Almost any opinion we have could be statedin terms that would not cause offense. Hard words are caused by ourconsciousness of the weakness of our position. They are symptoms ofimpotence. They arise from the feeling that a single statement of ourcase is not sufficient, and that the only way to make an impressionis by insult or abuse. A man who is satisfied with the justice of hisposition is content to state it in simple and inoffensive terms.--_Dr.Frank Crane_.
"Sir," screeched the wild-haired man, "are you opposed to freespeech?"
"Not unless I am compelled to listen to it," replied old FestusPester.
FRENCH LANGUAGE
"Does your son who is abroad with the troops understand French?"
"Oh, yes, but he says the people he meets there don't seem to."
FRIENDS
"A fellah come to me today And slap
ped me on the back And started makin', right away, The us'al sort of crack About how good a friend he was, How strong he was for me-- But friends don't need to tell you so, There's other ways to tell you so," Says Charlie Cherokee.
"When makin' up my list of friends I try to git 'em all; The folks who give me recommends, Or loans, however small; I try to think of all they done A friend of mine to be. I find a rainy day is what Will tell you who's a friend or not," Says Charlie Cherokee.
"I've never added to the list A man, like this one did, Who slapped my back and grabbed my fist And started in to kid. For friends don't need to say a word, Their friendship you can see, Can see it in a fellah's eyes-- For friends don't need to advertise," Says Charlie Cherokee.
--_Douglas Malloch_.
A day for toil, an hour for sport, But for a friend life is too short.
--_Emerson_.
It's a pretty safe guess that if you have no friends you have donesomething to deserve the fix you are in.
A friend who is not in need is a friend indeed.
_Friends_
Around the corner I had a friend, In this great city, that has no end. Yet days go by and weeks rush on And before I know it, a year has gone, And I never see my old friend's face, For life is a swift and terrible race. He knows I like him just as well As in the days when I rang his bell, And he rang mine, we were younger then And now we are busy, tired men, Tired of playing the foolish game, Tired with trying to make a name. "Tomorrow" I say, "I'll call on Jim Just to show him that I think of him," But tomorrow comes, and tomorrow goes, And the distance between us grows and grows. Around the corner--yet miles away "Here's a telegram, sir" Jim died today. And that's what we get and deserve in the end, Around the corner, a vanished friend.