"That bald-headed man who just went out is the greatest optimist Iever met," said the druggist.
"That so?" asked the customer.
"Yes," replied the druggist. "When I guaranteed my hair restorer hebought a bottle, and bought a comb and brush because he felt sure he'dneed them in a few days."
Two traveling men, who had not met in several years, were condolingwith each other on their increasing baldness.
"Well," said Jones, "one comfort is that it's only brain workers wholose their hair."
"Yes," Smith answered, "only thinkers ever become bald. Isn't that so,Sam?" appealing to the porter.
"Well, I dunno 'bout dat," the darky replied. "My granddad said dat anempty bahn doan need no cover."
BANKS AND BANKING
Before the passage of the present strict banking laws in Wisconsin,starting a bank was a comparatively simple proposition. Thesurprizingly small amount of capital needed is well illustrated by thestory a prosperous country-town banker told on himself, when asked howhe happened to enter the banking business:
"Well," he said, "I didn't have much else to do, so I rented an emptystore building and painted BANK on the window. The first day I wasopen for business a man came in and deposited a hundred dollars withme; the second day another man dropped in and deposited two hundredand fifty; and so, by George, along about the third day I gotconfidence enough in the bank to put in a hundred myself!"
A negro bank was opened in a small town in Georgia, and Sam depositedten dollars. Several weeks later he returned to draw out hismoney. When he presented his check the colored cashier looked at itdoubtfully and said: "Sam, you ain't got any money in dis here bank,but I'll look on de books an' make sure." In a minute he came back andsaid: "Yes, you did have ten dollars; but, nigger, de interes' doneeat up dat money."
"Father," said Nellie, "that bank in which you told me to put my moneyis in a bad way."
"In a bad way?" returned her father. "Why, my child, that's one ofthe strongest banks in the country. What in the world gives you thatidea?"
"Well," said Nellie, "it returned one of my checks today for $30marked 'No funds.'"
A Buffalo man stopped a newsboy in New York saying: "See here, son, Iwant to find the Blank National Bank. I'll give you half a dollar ifyou direct me to it."
With a grin, the boy replied: "All right, come along," and he led theman to a building a half-block away.
The man paid the promised fee, remarking, however, "That was ahalf-dollar easily earned."
"Sure!" responded the lad. "But you mustn't fergit that bank-directorsis paid high in Noo Yawk."
HE--"We'll have to give up our intended summer trip. My account at thebank is already overdrawn."
SHE--"Oh, John, you are such a wretched financier. Why don't you keepyour account in a bank that has plenty of money?"
A Hebrew by the name of Cohen went into a bank one day and asked thecashier to discount his note. The bank cashier said:
"Mr. Cohen, I can't discount that note unless you get some one youknow, a responsible man, to indorse it."
Cohen said to the cashier: "You know me, und you're responsible; youindorse it."
BAPTISM
"You don't know me, do you, Bobby?" asked a lady who had recently beenbaptized.
"Sure I do," piped the youth. "You're the lady that went in swimmingwith the preacher last Sunday."
Little Edward's twin sisters were being christened. All went welluntil Edward saw the water in the font. Then he anxiously turned tohis mother and exclaimed: "Ma, which one are you going to keep?"
Throughout the christening ceremony the baby smiled up beautifullyinto the clergyman's face.
"Well, madam," said he to the young wife, "I must congratulate you onyour little one's behavior. I have christened more than 2,000 babies,but I never before christened one that behaved so well as yours."
The young mother smiled demurely, and said:
"His father and I, with a pail of water, have been practising on himfor the last ten days."
"Tommy," said the Sunday-school teacher, who had been giving a lessonon the baptismal covenant, "can you tell me the two things necessaryto baptism?"
"Yes'm," said Tommy, "water and a baby."
In a small country church, not long since a little child was broughtforward for baptism. The young minister, taking the little one in hisarms, spoke as follows:
"Beloved hearers, no one can foretell the future of this little child.He may grow up to be a great astronomer, like Sir Isaac Newton, or agreat labor leader like John Burns; and it is possible he might becomethe prime minister of England."
Turning to the mother, he inquired, "What is the name of the child?"
"Mary Ann," was the reply.
BAPTISTS
The mayor of a tough border town is about to engage a preacher for thenew church.
"Parson, you aren't by any chance a Baptist, are you?"
"Why, no, not necessarily. Why?"
"Well, I was just agoin' to say we have to haul our water twelvemiles."
BARGAINS
A thin, anemic woman was accosted by her friend on the street: "Why,Mary, how pale and thin you look! I thought you were going south foryour health."
"I was," said Mary, "but my doctor has offered me such a lovelybargain in operations--a major operation for one thousand dollars--andof course I can't resist that."
"How much vas dose collars?"
"Two for a quarter."
"How much for vun?"
"Fifteen cents."
"Giff me de odder vun."
"Ikey," said the teacher, "can you give me a definition for 'abargain'?"
"Sure I can," smiled Ikey. "A bargain's when you get the best ofthem."
Dad was not greatly pleased by the school report brought to him by hishopeful.
"How is it?" he demanded, "that you stand so much lower in yourstudies for the month of January than for December?"
Samuel was equal to the emergency. "Why, dad," said he, in an injuredtone, "don't you know that everything is marked down after theholidays?"
Swapping dollars enriches nobody but swapping ideas enriches bothparties to the trade.
A noted wag met an Irishman in the street one day, and thought hewould be funny at his expense.
"Hello, Pat!" he said. "I'll give you eight (in) pence for ashilling."
"Will ye, now?" said Pat.
"Yes," he replied.
The Irishman handed over the shilling, and his friend put eight penceinto his palm in return.
"Eight in pence," he explained. "Not bad, is it?"
"No," answered Pat; "but the shilling is!"
BASEBALL
"Baseball," says a Big League magnate, "is the public's luxury." Thesmall boy will disagree with him, a luxury being something you can dowithout.-Puck.
At a ball game between a South Carolina negro team and a visiting teamof similar color a negro preacher was acting as umpire. The pitcherhad gone rather wild, and had permitted all the bases to fill. Anotherman came to the bat, and the nervous pitcher shot one over.
"Ball one," yelled the ump.
The pitcher tried again.
"Ball two," was the decision.
Another effort by the hurler.
"Ball three," said the umpire.
The pitcher saw his predicament, and made one master effort to savethe day.
"Ball four," yelled the ump, "and the man's out."
"How come, I'se out?" inquired the enraged batter.
"I'se repelled to put you out, nigger. Don't you see dar's nowhereelse to put you?" reasoned the umpire.
They were getting up a ball game in a small town and lacked oneplayer. They finally persuaded an old fellow to fill in, although hesaid he had never played before. He went to the bat and the first ballpitched he knocked over the fence. Every one stood and watched theball, even the batter. Excitedly they told him to run. "Shucks!" hesaid, "what's the use of running, I'll buy you another ball."
An Engl
ishman was seeing his first game of baseball, and the "fan" wasexplaining the different plays as they were being made.
"Don't you think it's great?" enthusiastically asked the "fan."
"Well," replied the Englishman, "I think it's very exciting, but alsoa very dangerous game."
"Dangerous nothing," replied the fan.
Just then a runner was put out at second base.
"What has happened now?" asked the Englishman.
"Chick Smith has died at second," laconically replied the fan.
"Died at second?" replied the astonished Briton. "I knew it was adangerous game."
They arrived at the fifth inning.
"What's the score, Jim?" he asked a fan.
"Nothing to nothing," was the reply.
"Oh, goody!" she exclaimed. "We haven't missed a thing!"
At the base ball game.
SHE--"What's the man running for?"
HE--"He hit the ball."
SHE--"I know. But is he required to chase it, too?"
An Englishman was once persuaded to see a game of baseball, and duringthe play, when he happened to look away for a moment, a foul tipcaught him on the ear and knocked him senseless. On coming to himself,he asked faintly, "What was it?"
"A foul--only a foul!"
"Good heavens!" he exclaimed. "A fowl? I thought it was a mule."
BATHS AND BATHING
"S-s-s-s-sus-say, ma," stammered Bobby, through the suds, as hismother scrubbed and scrubbed him, "I guess you want to get rid o' me,don't you?"
"Why, no, Bobby dear," replied his mother. "Whatever put such an ideainto your mind?"
"Oh, nuthin'," said Bobby, "only it seems to me you're tryin' to rubme out."
PA--"At last I've found a way to make that young scamp of ours stopwinking his eyes."
MA--"Really?"
PA--"Yes; I'll show him the article in this science magazine where itsays that every time we wink we give the eye a bath."
BEAUTY, PERSONAL
"Is she very pretty?"
"Pretty? Say! when she gets on a street-car the advertising is a totalloss."
"I don't like these photos at all," he said, "I look like an ape."
The photographer favored him with a glance of lofty disdain.
"You should have thought of that before you had them taken," was hisreply as he turned back to work.
"We're giving Baxby a farewell dinner and I'm to respond to the toast,'None but the brave deserves the fair.'"
"Sorry for you, old top. You'll have to prove that Baxby is an uttercoward, or that he isn't getting what is his due."
The Chinese are not given to flattery. A gentleman called at a Chineselaundry for his clothes. On receiving the package he noticedsome Chinese characters marked upon it. He asked, pointing to thelettering:
"That's my name, I suppose?"
"No; 'scliption," was the Chinaman's bland reply. "'Lil ol' man,closs-eyed, no teeth.'"--_Everybody's_.
BEGGING
"Some men have no hearts," said the tramp. "I've been a-tellin' thatfeller I am so dead broke that I have to sleep outdoors."
"Didn't that fetch him?" asked the other.
"Naw. He tol' me he was a-doin' the same thing, and had to pay thedoctor for tellin' him to do it."
DEAF-AND-DUMB BEGGAR--"Do you think it looks like rain, Bill?"
BLIND BEGGAR--"I dasn't look up to see--here comes one o' my bestcustomers!"--_Puck_.
He who begs timidly courts a refusal.--_Seneca_.
The matron passed a handout to the disreputable hobo, remarkingcurtly, "If you don't mind, eat it outside."
"Bless yer, I'm used to it," he answered. "When I was at home andin clover, as it were, it was me daily custom, when donnin' me dresssuit, to announce to me valet, 'Parkins, don't await dinner fer metonight. I'm dinin' out.'"
BEQUESTS
"There's a story connected with this diamond," said Heinie, pointingto a big, handsome stone which sparkled in his shirt front. "A friendof mine by the name of Meyer lay sick in bed. I being his best friend,he sent for me and said:
"'Heinie, I'm a very sick man. I ain't got long to live. I'm wortha lot of money, and I'm going to leave it all to you and my otherfriends. But I want you to do me one favor. Take this money and whenI'm dead and laid away buy me a nice stone.'
"Those were Meyer's last words, and the day of the funeral I boughtthis stone. But how can I give it to him when he's dead?"
BETTING
"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I am glad to see you takingas much interest in politics as you formerly took in racing."
"It is the duty of every man and woman to take an interest inpolitics."
"Do you wish me to vote for the same candidate that you do?"
"Why shouldn't you?"
"I thought it might be a good idea for me to vote for the other one.It would be a satisfaction to feel that one or the other of us has atlast succeeded in picking a winner."
A Scottish gentleman on a trip to New Orleans went to see his firsthorse-race. He was feeling very reckless, and decided to risk onedollar, choosing a forty-to-one shot, as that looked like the largestpercentage of gain. By a miracle his horse won, and upon handing histicket to the bookmaker, he received forty dollars.
"Do I get all this for my dollar?" he asked. Upon being assured thathe did, he exclaimed. "Hoots! how long has this been going on?"
Little Pat and big Mike had had a dispute, when Mike in contempt said:"Ye little runt, Oi bet I could carry yez up to the fifth story in mehod."
Pat immediately took up the bet, saying: "I'd loike to see ye thrythot same. I'll bet yez fifty cints on it."
Before he knew it Mike had him in his hod and was going up the ladder.When he got to the fourth story his foot slipped and he almost fell.He regained his footing, however, and reached the fifth story intriumph.
"Oi won!" he said.
"Yez did thot," said Pat, "but Oi had high hopes when yer footslipped."
BIBLE INTERPRETATION
Senator Simmons was discussing the proposed war-tax onautomobile-owners. "Making war-taxes," he said, "isn't pleasant work.It puts one in the position of the facetious minister at Ocean Grovewho took a little girl on his knee, and said:
"'I don't love you, Nellie.'"
All the ladies on the breeze-swept veranda laughed, but little Nelliefrowned and said:
"'You've got to love me. You've got to.'"
"'Got to? How so?'" laughed the divine.
"'Because,' said Nellie stoutly, 'you've got to love them that hateyou--and I hate you, goodness knows!'"
"The Bible tells us we should love our neighbors," said the gooddeacon.
"Yes, but the Bible was written before our neighbors lived so close,"replied the mere man.
WILLIE--"Paw, why is the way of the transgressor hard?"
PAW--"Because so many people have tramped on it, my son."
Little Marie was sitting on her grandfather's knee one day, and afterlooking at him intently for a time she said:
"Grandpa, were you in the ark?"
"Certainly not, my dear," answered the astonished old man.
"Then why weren't you drowned?"
A bashful curate found the young ladies in the parish too helpful. Atlast it became so embarrassing that he left.
Not long afterward--he met the curate who had succeeded him.
"Well," he asked, "how do you get on with the ladies?"
"Oh, very well indeed," said the other. "There is safety in numbers,you know."
"Ah!" was the instant reply. "I only found it in Exodus."
Bishop Hoss said at a Nashville picnic:
"The religious knowledge of too many adults resembles, I am afraid,the religious knowledge of little Eve.
"'So you attend Sunday-school regularly?' the minister said to littleEve."
"'Oh, yes, sir.'"
"'And you know your Bible?'"
"'Oh, yes, sir.'"
"'Could you perhaps tell me something th
at is in it?'"
"'I could tell you everything that's in it.'"
"'Indeed,' and the minister smiled. 'Do tell me, then.'"
"'Sister's beau's photo is in it,' said little Eve, promptly, 'andma's recipe for vanishin' cream is in it, and a lock of my hair cutoff when I was a baby is in it, and the ticket for pa's watch is init.'"
"Bobby, do you know you've deliberately broken the eighth commandmentby stealing James's candy?"
"Well, I thought I might as well break the eighth commandment and havethe candy as to break the tenth and only 'covet' it."--_Life_.
"I thought you were preaching, Uncle Bob," said the Colonel, to whomthe elderly negro had applied for a job.
"Yessah, Ah wuz," replied Uncle; "but Ah guess Ah ain't smaht enoughto expound de Scriptures. Ah almost stahved to deff tryin' to explainde true meanin' uv de line what says 'De Gospel am free.' Dem foolniggahs thought dat it meant dat Ah wuzn't to git no salary."
The college boys played a mean trick on "Prexy" by pasting some ofthe leaves of his Bible together. He rose to read the morning lesson,which might have been as follows:
"Now Johial took unto himself a wife of the daughters of Belial." (Heturned a leaf.) "She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits inbreadth." (A pause and careful scrutiny of the former page.)