A physician whose sole fee is the consciousness of doing good.
CHEERFULNESS
HE--"There's nothing like cheerfulness. I admire anyone who sings athis work."
SHE--"How you must love a mosquito!"
CHICKEN STEALING
An old negro was charged with chicken-stealing, and the judge said:
"Where's your lawyer, uncle?"
"Ain't got none, jedge."
"But you ought to have one," returned the Court. "I'll assign one todefend you."
"No, sah, no, sah, please don't do dat," begged the defendant.
"Why not?" persisted the judge. "It won't cost you anything. Why don'tyou want a lawyer?"
"Well, Ah'll tell yo', jedge," said the old man confidentially. "Ahwants ter enj'y dem chickens mahself."
"Is your husband a good provider, Dinah?"
"Yessum, he's a good providah all right, but I'se allus skeered datniggah's gwine er git caught at it."
"Is dem you-all's chickens?"
"Cohse dey's my-all's chickens. Who's chickens did you 'spose deywas?"
"I wasn' s'posen' nuffin about 'em. But I will say dat it's mightylucky dat a chicken won' come a runnin' an' a waggin' its tail whenits regular owner whistles, same as a dog."
Rastus had caught Sambo red-handed.
"Ah'm gwine hab yo' arrested foh stealin' mah chickens, yo' SamboWashin'ton-dat's jess what ah'm gwine to do," said Rastus.
"Go ahead, nigguh," retorted Sambo. "Go ahead and hab me arrested.Ah'll mek yo' prove whar yo' got dem chickens yo'seff!"
JUDGE-"I'm going to fine you five dollars for the chickens you stolethe last two weeks."
RASTUS-"How'll it be if Ah pays seben-fifty, Jedge? Dat'll pay fob upto an' includin' next Saturday night."--_Life_.
A negro soldier was brought up before his superior officer, who said:"Sam, you are charged with stealing a chicken from this Frenchwoman'sfarm. Now, how about it? Have you any witnesses to stand for you?"
"Witnesses?" echoed Sam in surprise. "No, suh, I ain't hab nowitnesses. When I goes chicken stealing I never hab no witnessesaroun'."
An old colored uncle was found by the preacher prowling in hisbarnyard late one night.
"Uncle Calhoun," said the preacher sternly, "it can't be good for yourrheumatism to be prowling round here in the rain and cold."
"Doctor's orders, sah," the old man answered.
"Doctor's orders?" asked the preacher. "Did he tell you to go prowlinground all night?"
"No, sah, not exactly, sah," said Uncle Cal; "but he done ordered mechicken broth."
In times of peace Smith might have been an author who had drifted intosome useful occupation, such as that of a blacksmith, but just now heis cook to the Blankshire officers' mess. Smith sent Murphy into thevillage to bring home some chickens ordered for the mess.
"Murphy," said Smith, the next day, "when you fetch me chickens again,see that they are fastened up properly. That lot you fetched yesterdayall got loose, and tho I scoured the village I only managed to secureten of them."
"Sh!" said Murphy. "I only brought six."
CHILD LABOR
SOUTHERNER--"Why are you Northerners always harping on the childrenemployed in Southern factories?"
NORTHERNER--"Well, for one thing, it detracts people's attention fromthe children employed in ours."--Life.
CHILDREN
JOHNNY--"What makes the new baby at your house cry so much, Tommy?"
TOMMY--"It don't cry so very much--and, anyway, if all your teeth wereout, your hair off, and your legs so weak you couldn't stand on them,guess you'd feel like crying yourself."
A little girl was entertaining the visitors while her mother addedthe finishing touches to her toilet. One of the ladies said with asignificant look: "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y," spelling the last word.
"No," said the child quickly; "but awful s-m-a-r-t."
It was time for "baby girl" to be in bed, but no amount of coaxingcould get her there. At last her father offered to lie on the bedtill the "sandman" arrived. Off she went "pick-a-back," and the tiredmother leaned back in her chair with a sigh of content, ready for ahard-earned rest.
Ten minutes--twenty--half an hour, and she was wondering when herhusband would be down, when all at once she heard a soft, stealthypit-a-pat. Nearer came the steps, and then a little white-robed form,with a tiny finger on her lip, stood in the doorway.
"Hush, hush, muvver," she said. "I'se got farver to sleep."
_Taking a Chance_
Junior was in the habit of coming to the table with a dirty face and,of course, had to be sent away to wash.
One time his mother, nearly losing patience, said: "Junior, why do youpersist in coming to the table without washing? You know I always sendyou away."
"Well," said Junior, meekly, "once you forgot."
TOMMY (after a thumping)--"You're awful hard on me, ma."
MOTHER--"That's because you've been very naughty and wicked."
TOMMY--"Well, gee! You should remember that you didn't die youngyourself."
"Can your little baby brother talk yet?" a kindly neighbor inquired ofa small lad.
"No, he can't talk, and there ain't no reason why he should talk," wasthe disgusted reply. "What does he want to talk for when all he hasto do is yell a while to get everything in the house that's worthhaving?"
Mrs. Jones was getting dinner ready when in came little Fred with ahappy smile on his face.
"What has mamma's darling been doing this morning?" asked his mother.
"I have been playing Postman," replied little Fred.
"Postman?" exclaimed his mother. "How could you do that when you hadno letters?"
"Oh, but I had," replied Fred. "I was looking in your trunk up in yourroom and I found a packet of letters tied 'round with a ribbon, and Iposted one under every door in the street."
A little girl who had visited an Episcopalian church for the firsttime described the service as follows:
"When we went in they were standing up, singing, but pretty soon theysat down and played hide-and-seek."
"Did what?" asked her mother.
"Well, of course no one went and hid, but they all covered up theirfaces and counted to themselves."
_Training the Other Woman's Child_
They all sat round in friendly chat Discussing mostly this and that, And a hat.
Until a neighbor's wayward lad Was seen to act in ways quite bad; Oh, 'twas sad!
One thought she knew what must be done With every child beneath the sun-- She had none.
And ere her yarn had been quite spun Another's theories were begun-- She had one.
The third was not so sure she knew, But thus and so she thought she'd do-- She had two.
The next one added, "Let me see; These things work out so differently." She had three.
The fifth drew on her wisdom store And said, "I'd have to think it o'er." She had four.
And then one sighed, "I don't contrive Fixt rules for boys, they're too alive." She had five.
"I know it leaves one in a fix, This straightening of crooked sticks." She had six.
And one declared, "There's no rule giv'n, But do your best and trust to heav'n!" She had sev'n.
--_Alice Crowell Hoffman_.
Tom, the country six-year-old, presenting himself one day in even morethan his usual state of dust and disorder, was asked by his motherif he would not like to be a little city boy, and always be nice andclean in white suits and shoes and stockings. Tom answered scornfully:"They're not children; they're pets."
_Up-to-date_
KIND STRANGER--"How old is your baby brother, little girl?"
LITTLE GIRL--"He's a this year's model."
The lawyer was sitting at his desk absorbed in the preparation of abrief. So intent was he on his work that he did not hear the door asit was pushed gently open, nor see the curly head that was thrust intohis office. A littl
e sob attracted his notice, and turning, he saw aface that was streaked with tears and told plainly that feelings hadbeen hurt.
"Well, my little man, did you want to see me?"
"Are you a lawyer?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I want"--and there was a resolute ring in his voice--"I want adivorce from my papa and mamma."
"Well," mused six-year-old Harry, as he was being buttoned into aclean white suit, "this has been an exciting week, hasn't it, mother?Monday we went to the Zoo, Wednesday I lost a tooth, Thursday wasLily's birthday party, Friday I was sick, yesterday I had my hair cut,and now here I am rushing off to Sunday-school."
A little saying from a seven-year-old girl.
NEIGHBOR--"How is your mother this morning?"
LITTLE GIRL--"My mother is at the hospital."
NEIGHBOR--"Why! I did not know your mother was ill."
LITTLE GIRL--"No, it is my aunt who is ill."
NEIGHBOR--"What is the matter with your aunt?"
LITTLE GIRL--"She has a bad headache."
NEIGHBOR--"Why! I did not know any one went to the hospital for a badheadache!"
LITTLE GIRL (looking up quickly with a very interested, bright lookon her face)--"That is not the real reason, I think; they are spellingthings on me."
A little boy of seven was being scolded in a room adjoining one inwhich his grandma lay ill. He motioned toward grandma's room andquietly said, "Sh--! it's too much for her; it'll wear her out."
Later, grandma thanked him for his consideration, whereupon hereplied, "Don't mention it, gran; that was fifty-fifty--part for youand part for me."
George was hampered by a mother whose idea of godliness wascleanliness. Notwithstanding the frequent baths to which he wascondemned George thrived exceedingly. One day a neighbor remarked onhis rapid growth.
"Yes," said George, "that's ma's fault--she waters me so much."
_See also_ Boys.
CHOICES
The Czar was recently complimenting a soldier, and asked him if hewould rather have 100 rubles or the Iron Cross.
"Would your Majesty deign to tell me the value of the cross?" inquiredthe private.
"Oh, it is not worth much intrinsically, perhaps two rubles."
"Then, your Majesty, I will take the cross and ninety-eight rubles."
This is an interesting episode, and the most interesting thing aboutit is that it also happened during the Franco-Prussian War, theCrimean War, the Seven Years' War, and the Marlborough campaigns.
_Eyeball or Highball_
An old Scotsman was threatened with blindness if he did not give updrinking.
"Now, McTavish," said the doctor, "it's like this: You've either tostop the whisky or lose your eyesight, and you must choose."
"Ay, weel, doctor," said McTavish, "I'm an auld man noo, an' I wasthinkin' I ha'e seen about everything worth seein'."
OFFICER-"Hang it! you've brought the wrong boots. Can't you see one isblack and the other brown?"
BATMAN-"Sure, but the other pair is just the same."
"Let me see! How does that old saying go: 'Of two evils alwayschoose--?"
"Always choose the one you haven't indulged in before."
CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS
Dorothy, who is six, has a playmate younger than herself whose parentsare Christian Scientists. One day she said:
"Mother, do you know that it is better to be a Christian Scientistthan anything else?"
Mother asked "Why?" and Dorothy said:
"Well, Julia has 'splained it to me. If you get cross with anotherlittle girl, and you knock her down, if you are a Christian Scientistyou won't have to apologize to her, because it won't hurt her any."
_A Mental Error_
The tram-car was hopelessly overcrowded, and several people, whohad achieved the upper deck, were transgressing all regulations bystanding.
"Now, then," called out the girl conductor, with emphasis, "you can'tstand on top."
"Well," said one literalist, smiling blandly as he peered down thesteps, "we are standing, whether we can or not."
The girl answered nothing, but promptly pressed a button. The carjumped forward, and the literalist involuntarily took a seat on thefloor.
"There," said the girl apparently in complete good humor, quoting thebarrister in a famous play, "you think you can, but you can't."
A Christian Scientist while walking about the plant met a man doubledup with pain.
"My man," he said, "What is the matter?"
"I was out to a banquet last night," moaned the man, "And oh, how Iache!"
"You don't ache," answered the apostle of Mrs. Eddy. "Your pain isimagination. It is all in your mind."
The man looked up in grave astonishment at such a statement and thenreplied in a most positive manner:
"That's all right; you may think so, but I've got inside information."
CHRISTMAS GIFTS
"Isn't this too absurd?" said the hostess, as she read a letter themaid had handed to her. "I sent Marie Burns the loveliest of bags forChristmas. It had been given to me, I knew, and I had so many I savedit to give away. I suppose we all do those things."
The guest nodded.
"Well, here's her letter of thanks, and listen to what she says:
"'Dear Grace: When I gave you that bag three years ago on Christmas Iwas so fond of it I could hardly bear to part with it. So I thankyou most heartily for remembering me this Christmas with my own gift,which I parted with so unselfishly. Cordially yours, Marie Burns.'"
BILL--"I hear that Jones always saves the Christmas presents peoplegive him and gives them back the following year."
PHIL--"I hope he does that to me. I gave him a quart of brandy in1918."
Instead of the usual just-before-Christmas letter to Santa Claus,Robbie wrote a prayer letter to God. After enumerating the many andvaried presents he wanted very much, he concluded with: "Remember,God, the Lord loveth a cheerful giver."
CHURCH
SCOTT--"What is your notion of an ideal church?"
JACKSON--"One that meddles with neither politics nor religion."
He had been around from church to church trying to find a congenialcongregation, and finally he stopped in a little church just as thecongregation read with the minister:
"We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, and wehave done those things which we ought not to have done."
The man dropped into a pew with a sigh of relief.
"Thank goodness," he said, "I've found my crowd at last."
HIX--"I understand your Church has sent the minister to Michigan for amonth."
DIX--"Yes, that's right."
HIX--"For a vacation, I suppose?"
DIX--"Yes; the congregation decided that we were entitled to one."
CHURCH ATTENDANCE
"What's the idea of free pews?"
"Well, it gives everyone a chance to stay away from church at aminimum expense."
_Why They Went to Church_
Mrs. Clogg went to find out where the missionary meeting would beheld.
Willie Jones went because his mother made him.
His sister went because she had her hair up for the first time.
Sadie Williams went to flirt with the Scott boy.
The Scott boy went to flirt with Sadie Williams.
James B. Jenkins went because he had done so for fourteen years.
The sexton went because he had to pump the organ.
One of the girl ushers in a Flatbush theater had a problem offered herthe other evening. She was showing two women to their seats.
"Is the show this evening fit for church women to see?" asked one ofthe pillaresses of a Flatbush congregation.
"I--I don't know," responded the girl. Then she brightened. "You see,"she said, "I don't have no time to go to church."
Mr. Dickson, a colored barber in a large New England town, was shavingone of his customers, a respectable citizen, one morning, when aconversation occurred between
them respecting Mr. Dickson's formerconnection with a colored church in that place:--
"I believe you are connected with the church in Elm Street, are younot, Mr. Dickson?" said his customer.
"No, sah, not at all."
"What! are you not a member of the African Church?"
"Not this year, sah."
"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson, if I may be permittedto ask?"
"Well, I'll tell you sah," said Mr. Dickson, stropping a concave razoron the palm of his hand, "it war just like dis. I jined the church ingood fait; I give ten dollars toward de stated gospill de fus' year,and de church people call me 'Brudder Dickson'; the second year mybusiness not so good, and I gib only five dollars. Dat year the peoplecall me 'Mr. Dickson.' Dis razor hurt you, sah?"
"No, the razor goes tolerably well."
"Well, sah, the third year I feel berry poor; had sickness in myfamily; and I didn't gib noffin' for preachin'. Well, sah, arter datdey call me 'dat old nigger Dickson'--and I left 'em."
CHURCH DISCIPLINE
Two Methodist preachers, one white and the other colored, served ruralcharges in Mississippi which were conterminous. The negro received aconsiderably larger salary than his white brother, who asked him if itwas not his custom to expel his members who failed to pay. "No, boss,"he replied, "we would not like to put the gospel on a money basis. Wegets them to subscribe, and if they don't pay we turns them out forlying."