But I'm stronger than my hormones. I have to be. I can't go through another heartbreak like the one I'm still healing from. The wounds are still so fresh, it's as if he's clawing them open with his bare hands.
"Come home with me," he whispers.
No. No, no, no, Fallon.
I shake my head back and forth with immense effort in order to ensure I don't accidentally nod. "No, Ben. No. This past year has been the hardest year of my life. You can't expect me to just fall back into step with you because you showed up here tonight."
He runs the backs of his fingers across my cheekbone. "I don't expect that, Fallon. But I do pray for it. Every night, down on my knees, to any God who will listen."
His words feel like they penetrate the walls of my chest and all the air is let out of my lungs. I close my eyes when his breath grazes my jaw. He's taking advantage of the privacy and my weakness and I want to punch him for it, but first I just need to know if he tastes the same. If his tongue still moves the same way. If he still touches me like it's a privilege.
I'm being supported by a wall behind me and Ben in front of me, but still, when his hand drops to my thigh and his fingers begin slowly raking up my skirt, I feel like I'm about to crash straight to the floor. There's so much that needs to be discussed between us, but for whatever reason, my body wants my mouth to stay shut so his hand will continue moving. I've missed his touch so much, and even though I've made the effort to go out and try to get over Ben, I'm not sure I could ever find this kind of physical connection with another person. No one makes me feel as desirable as Ben does. I've missed it. The way he looks at me, the way he touches me, the way he makes it feel as if my scars are an improvement rather than a flaw. It's hard to say no to this feeling, no matter how hurt I've been over what transpired last year.
"Ben," I whisper, not so much in protest as I intended for his name to sound. He buries his face against my neck and breathes me in, and I forget everything I was about to protest. My head drops back against the wall, and then his hand slides around to the back of my thigh. His fingers graze the edge of my panties and when I feel them slip just beneath the hem, my whole body shudders. I'm forced to bury my face against his shoulder and grip the back of his shirt just to keep myself upright. All he did was touch my ass and I feel like I can't even stand upright anymore. I should be embarrassed.
He pulls back, just a little bit, so that he can glance over his shoulder. I don't know who or what he's looking for, but when he sees no one is behind us, he reaches to the right of me--to a door. He pulls on the handle and it relents. Ben doesn't waste a second. He grabs me by the waist and pushes me toward the door, into the dark room, and then the door closes behind us, muffling the sound of the music.
Now I can hear how hard I'm breathing. Panting, really. But so is he. I can hear him right in front of me, but I can't see him. I hear him feeling around the room. It's pitch black, and the absence of the wall behind me and him in front of me makes me feel empty.
But then his hands are back on my waist. "Storage room," he says, pushing me until my back is to the door. "Perfect." And then I feel his breath against my lips, followed closely by his mouth as it brushes against mine. As soon as I feel it--the surge of electricity that shoots from his mouth to every nerve in my body--I push against his chest.
"Stop," I tell him, my voice louder than it's been all night thanks to the distance from the music. His hand is right back where it was before . . . grazing the edge of my panties . . . forcing my eyes shut like it would even make a difference in here.
"I'm trying," he whispers, threading the hand that isn't up my skirt through the strands of my hair. He grips the nape of my neck. "Ask me again."
I open my mouth to say it again, but I'm met with heat and tongue and lips that know just how to make it all work together. Instead of the word stop coming at him, all he gets is a moan and a hand in his hair, pulling, pushing, indecisive.
He pushes against me, his leg between both of mine. He's kissing me so hard, my mind is still wrapped around all the ways his tongue can move before I even notice his hand has moved around to the front of my thigh. And I know I should stop him. I should push him away and make him explain himself, but his hand feels too good for that right now. My legs tense and I grip the sleeve of his shirt with one hand while I pull on his hair with the other hand, tearing him away from my mouth so I can breathe. I take in one deep breath before he's back on my mouth, even hungrier than before.
And his hand. Oh, God, his fingers are slowly tracing up the front of my panties. I moan again. Twice. He puts just enough space between our mouths so that he can listen to me gasp as he slides his hand down the front of my panties.
My knees grow weak. I'm not sure I knew my body was capable of feeling these kinds of things. I think I just fell in love with my body a little bit more.
"Jesus, Fallon," Ben says, stroking me, breathing heavily against my mouth. "You're so wet."
As delicious as it feels to hear that, I can't help but laugh out loud. When I do, I quickly slap my hand over my mouth, but it's already too late. He heard my laughter in the midst of the most mind-blowing act of seduction I've ever been a part of.
He drops his forehead to the side of my head and I hear him laughing quietly. His mouth rests against my ear and I swear I can hear the smile in his voice when he says, "God, I've missed you so damn much."
That one sentence affects me more than anything he's said all night, and I don't know if it's because it felt like the old Fallon and Ben for a second, or if it's because he removes his hand and wraps his arms around me, pulling me into one of his soul-crushing embraces. His forehead rests against mine, and I almost wish he would have kept going with the physical stuff, because that's way easier than the emotional stuff.
As good as it feels to be back in his arms again, I'm scared I'm screwing up. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should let him back into my life so easily, because the getting together part should be just as hard as the letting go part and this feels way too easy for him. I need time, I think. I don't know. I don't feel capable of making this kind of decision right now.
"Fallon," he says, his voice low.
"Yeah?" I breathe out.
"Come home with me. I want to talk to you, but I don't want to do it here."
We're back to this again. It makes me wonder if he's being so persistent because there's only a few hours left of November 9th and he wants to make the most of it, or if he wants me on all the other days, too.
I feel behind me for the door handle. When I find it, I push against Ben's chest and pull the door open. When I slip outside, his hand is on my right elbow and someone else grasps my left elbow. I gasp, just as my eyes meet Amber's.
"I was looking for you," she says. "What are you doing in . . ." Her question comes to a halt when she sees Ben walk out behind me. And then, "Sorry to interrupt this reunion, but Teddy is worried about you."
She's looking at me like she's disappointed in my decision to be making out in a dark closet with Ben while my date is in the same building, and Oh, my God, now that I think about it, that's a really shit thing to do.
"Crap!" I say. "I have to get back to the table."
Ben makes a face like that's the last thing he expected to come out of my mouth.
"Good choice," Amber says, eyeing Ben.
He can find me later. I have to get back to the table before Theodore realizes how pathetic I am. I follow Amber back to the booth, but luckily it's loud enough that I can't understand anything she's saying. I can tell she's lecturing me, though. We no more than slide back into our booth when Ben pulls up a chair and plops it down at the end of the table. He takes a seat and folds his arms in front of him.
Theodore puts his arm around my shoulders and leans in. "You okay?"
I force a quick smile and a nod, but I give him nothing more, considering Ben looks like he's about to crawl over the table and rip Theodore's arm away from my body.
I adjust mys
elf so that Theodore doesn't think I'm reciprocating his affection. I lean forward, away from his arm, as if I have something I want to say to Amber. Just as I open my mouth, Ben's hand strokes my knee beneath the table. My eyes swing to Ben's and he shoots me an innocent look.
Luckily, Glenn steals Theodore's attention, so he doesn't notice when my entire body tenses. Ben begins to rake his fingers up my thigh, so I reach beneath the table and flick his hand away. He smiles and leans back in his seat.
"So," Amber says, turning her attention toward Ben. "Since we all just met you fifteen minutes ago and know absolutely nothing about you, since we've never been around you before, because we're all complete strangers, why don't you tell us about yourself? What do you do? Theodore says you're a writer? Are you writing anything interesting? A love story, maybe? How's that going?"
I kick Amber under the table. Could she be more obvious?
Ben laughs, and now that Amber just spat out the most random question in the world, Theodore and Glenn are both staring at Ben, waiting for him to answer.
"Well," Ben says, straightening up in his seat. "As a matter of fact, yes. I am a writer. I've had a really bad case of writer's block this year, though. Really terrible. Haven't written a single word in 365 days. But oddly enough, I think I just had a major breakthrough a few minutes ago."
"Imagine that," Amber says, rolling her eyes.
I lean forward, deciding to join in on this cryptic conversation. "You know, Ben. Writer's block can be a tricky thing. Just because you had a breakthrough a few minutes ago doesn't mean it's permanent."
He pretends to give my comment a moment of thought, but then he shakes his head. "No. No, I know a breakthrough when I have one. And I'm certain that what I experienced a few minutes ago was one of the most mind-blowing breakthroughs known to man."
I raise an eyebrow. "There's a fine line between confidence and cockiness."
Ben matches my expression as his hand returns to my leg under the table, causing me to stiffen. "Well then, I'm straddling that line like it's the thigh of a long-legged brunette."
Oh, dear God those words.
Glenn laughs, but Theodore leans forward to get Ben's attention. "I have an uncle back in Nantucket who had a book published. It's a pretty hard thing to--"
"Theodore," Ben says, interrupting him. "You seem like a . . . nice guy."
"Thanks," Theodore says, smiling.
"Let me finish," Ben says, holding up a finger in warning. "Because you're about to hate me. I lied. I'm not writing a paper." He points at Glenn. "This guy told me earlier today where to show up tonight so that I could find the girl I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. And I'm sorry, but that girl just so happens to be your date. And I'm in love with her. Like, really in love with her. Crippling, debilitating, paralyzing love. So please accept my sincerest apologies, because she's coming home with me tonight. I hope. I pray." Ben shoots me an endearing look. "Please? Otherwise this speech will make me look like a complete fool and that won't be good when we tell our grandkids about this." He holds out his hand for me to take, but I'm as frozen in place as poor Theodore is.
Glenn covers his mouth, trying to hide his drunken laughter. Amber is actually speechless for once.
"What the fuck?" Theodore says. Before I can move out of his way, Theodore is reaching over me, grabbing the collar of Ben's shirt, pulling him closer so that he can choke him or punch him or . . . I'm not sure what he's doing, but I duck and crawl out of the booth so I'm not in the middle of it. When I turn around, Theodore is on his knees in the booth with Ben in a headlock over the table. Ben is grasping at Theodore's arm, trying to pull it away from his throat. His eyes are wide and he's looking straight at me.
"You fucking prick!" Theodore yells.
Ben lets go of Theodore's arm with one hand and crooks his finger at me, wanting me to come closer. I take a hesitant step forward, not sure what to do to get him out of this mess. When I'm about two feet from them, Ben struggles to speak. "Fallon," he says, still clawing at the arm that's wrapped around his neck. "Are you . . . are you gonna come home with me or not?"
Oh, my God. He's relentless. And he's being pulled away from Theodore's chokehold by two bouncers who are intervening. But now both Ben and Theodore are being escorted outside, and Amber, Glenn, and I are following after them. Before we reach the door, Amber punches Glenn in the shoulder.
"You told Ben where we were gonna be tonight?" she hisses.
Glenn rubs his arm. "He showed up at our apartment today looking for Fallon."
Amber scoffs. "So you just told him where she would be? Why would you do that?"
"He's funny!" Glenn says, as if that's a legit defense.
Amber glances over her shoulder at me with an apologetic look. I don't tell her there's nothing to feel bad about. So far, I'm kind of glad Glenn told Ben where I'd be tonight. It makes me feel good to know that he waited at the restaurant for four hours and then went looking for me at my old apartment, hoping Amber and Glenn still lived there. It's a little bit flattering, even though it still doesn't make up for what he put me through.
As soon as we're outside, I immediately walk over to Theodore, who is pacing the pavement with a pissed-off look in his eye. He stops when he sees me standing in front of him and he points in Ben's direction. "Is that true?" he says. "Are the two of you like . . . fuck, I don't know. What are you? Dating? Exes? Do I even fit in the picture or am I wasting my goddamn time?"
I shake my head, completely at a loss. I don't know how to answer that, because I honestly don't know where I stand with Ben. But I do know where I stand with Theodore, so I guess I'll start there.
"I'm sorry," I say. "I swear, before tonight I haven't spoken to him in a year. I don't want you to think I was seeing both of you at the same time, but . . . I'm sorry. Maybe I just need some time to figure it out, I guess."
Theodore cocks his head, as if he's shocked by what he just heard. "Figure it out?" He shakes his head. "I don't have time for this shit." He starts to walk in the opposite direction, but he's still within earshot when he mutters, "You aren't even that pretty."
I'm still processing the insult when I see Ben sprint past me. Before my eyes can even adjust, his fist is flying. I see Glenn rush to intervene, but . . . wait. No. Glenn also punches Theodore.
Luckily, the bouncers never even made it back inside and all three of them are separated before anyone is seriously injured. Theodore is struggling to break free from one of the bouncers and he's yelling obscenities at Ben the entire time. Meanwhile, Amber is standing next to me, steadying herself on a parking meter while she unfastens one of her heels.
"I want every one of you to leave the premises right now before we call the police!" one of the bouncers yells.
"Hold on," Amber says, holding up a finger while she pulls off her shoe. "I'm not finished." She takes her shoe in her hand and glowers at Theodore, then rears back and throws it across the sidewalk, hitting him square between the legs. "I hate your stupid pants, asshole!" she yells. "Fallon deserves better than you, and SO DOES NANTUCKET!"
Wow. Go, Amber.
The bouncer holding Theodore asks him where his car is parked. He escorts Theodore in that direction as Amber retrieves her shoe. Ben and Glenn aren't released until the bouncer returns without Theodore. "The four of you. Leave. Now."
As soon as the bouncer releases Ben's arms, he runs straight toward me, taking my face in his hands, inspecting me to see if I'm hurt. Or maybe he's checking my emotions, I don't know. Either way, he looks worried. "Are you okay?"
I can tell by the soothing sound of his voice that he's worried Theodore hurt my feelings. "I'm fine, Ben. That guy's insults about my appearance don't carry much weight when he willingly wears those pants."
I can see the relief in Ben's smile as he kisses me on the forehead.
"Did you bring a car?" Glenn asks, directing his question at Ben. Ben nods and says, "Yeah. I'll give the two of you a ride home."
"The three
of you," I say to Ben, insinuating that just because he stood up for me doesn't mean I'm automatically going home to his place. "I'll need you to drop me off at my apartment."
Amber groans and then brushes my shoulder as she passes. "Just forgive him already," she says. "Glenn found a member of the male species he actually likes, and if you don't forgive Ben you'll break Glenn's heart."
Ben and Glenn are both quietly staring at me. Glenn is giving me puppy dog eyes and Ben's bottom lip is protruding.
I can't even. I shrug my shoulder in defeat. "Well, then. I guess if Glenn likes you, then that's that. I have to go home with you."
Ben doesn't even break eye contact with me when he holds out a stretched arm toward Glenn, his hand in a fist. Glenn bumps it and then they drop their arms, never saying a word.
As I pass Ben and head for the parking lot, I narrow my eyes at him and point. "You have a lot of explaining to do, though. A lot. And even more groveling."
"I'm very capable of both of those things," Ben says, following after me.
"And you have to cook me breakfast," I add. "I like well-done bacon and over-easy eggs."
"Got it," Ben says. "Explain myself, then grovel, then Nakey-nakey, eggs, and bakey." He puts his arm around my shoulder and redirects me to his car. He opens the passenger door for me, but before he climbs inside, he cups my face and presses his lips to mine. When he pulls back, I'm shocked by how much emotion is in his expression after the ridiculousness of the past fifteen minutes. "You won't regret this, Fallon. I promise."
I hope not.
He kisses me on the cheek and waits for me to climb inside his car.
Hands grasp my shoulders from behind and Glenn's face appears next to mine from the backseat. "I promise, too," he says, giving me a loud smack on the cheek.
As we pull out of the parking lot, I stare out my window because I don't want the three of them to see the tears in my eyes.
Because yes, hearing Theodore insult me didn't only hurt my feelings--it was easily one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. But knowing these three defended me without a second thought almost makes the insult worth it.