Erin bobbed her head up. “Of course. I love them. Although I don’t really know what to do with a girl. Poor Celeste.” She giggled. “But let me show you the difference between my boys.” Erin wobbled to a stand, lurched toward a display shelf on the far wall and then pushed some books aside, digging for something. “See this? Matt made me this when he was a kid. How ridiculous, huh?” She picked up a little woodcarving. “Who makes their mother something that says, Wow?”
Julie got up and walked toward Erin, Erin who was drunk and confused. Finn had made this for his mother. Julie took the camp project, flipped it upside down, and waited while Erin stared at it.
“Look at that! It says, Mom.” Erin burst out laughing, covering her mouth with her hands and doubling over as her misinterpretation sank in.
“Finn made this for you at camp,” Julie said.
“All these years…and I thought…” Erin could hardly speak. She wiped her eyes. “What the hell kind of mother am I? What the hell kind of blind, brainless, disconnected mother am I?” Erin wasn’t laughing anymore. “Mom. It says Mom. Jesus Christ. I’m a piece of work.”
“Erin, it’s OK. Really.” Julie set the woodcarving back on the shelf, the right way.
Erin crossed the room and picked up her wine. “You sure you don’t want some? I won’t tell your mother.”
Julie shook her head. “No. I should get to bed. Where is Roger? Is he home?”
“Upstairs. In the third floor guest room. He’s been snoring with that cold he picked up, and it drives me bonkers.”
“Will you be all right? Do you want me to stay with you for a while?” Julie wasn’t dying to hang around a tipsy, emotional Erin, but she also felt bad leaving her alone. Hopefully Erin would call it a night.
“I’m fine, Julie. Perfectly fine. Promise. I don’t usually drink much. It’s making me silly and emotional.”
“OK, then. Good night.” Julie turned to leave, but Erin stopped her.
“Julie? Thank you for being here. You make the house less lonely.”
Julie smiled. “I like it here. I really do. You and Roger are so good to me, and Matt and Celeste are like the siblings I never had.”
“So you think of Matt like a brother?”
Julie nodded.
“Huh.” She sat down on the floor again. “I love my children, you know. All of them. It’s just hard. It’s hard for me to be their mother.”
Julie didn’t know what to say to this. “I know you love them. Just… Just get some sleep. You’ll feel better tomorrow.”
She tiptoed through the hall to her room. Matt’s light was off, and Flat Finn stood at alert outside Celeste’s room, reminiscent of the Queen’s guard outside Buckingham Palace. Julie shut her door and kicked off her shoes. She immediately went to the dresser and got changed for bed, pulling one of Finn’s skydiving shirts over her head. She touched the worn material, the blue having faded to a weathered, pale color, and the lettering barely readable anymore. Don’t forget to pull. But it was still Finn’s.
She crawled into bed with her phone and sent him a message. She’d already risked an elevator ride today, and despite the mishap, it had actually turned out pretty well. She was willing to take another risk. Julie wrote slowly and deliberately:
I think I’m falling for you.
She set the phone on her nightstand and turned off the light. She pulled a pillow over her head and tried to block out Erin’s drunken mood, Seth’s hurt feelings, and the stuck elevator. OK, maybe not the entire stuck elevator scene.
Too bad Matt had already gone to bed. Julie wanted to see what he thought about calling Dana. Was she even his type? Did he have a type? Was Julie Finn’s type? Was having a type bad? It might limit whom you met. Judging a book by its cover and all.
Her phone beeped, and Julie nearly smashed the lamp to the floor as she reached for the phone.
Good. I think I’m falling for you, too. Let’s not pull this chute.
Chapter 21
Julie stared at her computer screen. Considering that it was now just a few days away from Christmas, she’d hoped for good tidings. What the hell was she supposed to do?
She re-read the email from her father’s secretary for the fifth time, but the message was the same. Julie quickly wiped her eyes as the words blended together. ....unfortunately must cancel this trip… unable to reschedule a number of important business meetings regarding possible merger… apologies… in Boston for New Year’s Eve…reservations for 9 o’clock… Let him know if you need airfare to get home to Ohio.
Her father had just bailed on their trip to California. Anything involving a merger was obviously a big deal, though, and was probably time-sensitive. Presumably, you can’t get companies to schedule major plans around a trip with your daughter. Julie wiped her eyes again and wrote back. Not a problem. I completely understand. Tell my father that I look forward to dinner.
It wasn’t a vacation with her father, she reasoned, but he was definitely going out of his way to come to Boston to see her for New Year’s. And he’d somehow snagged reservations at one of the most upscale, expensive restaurants in the city. Maybe they could check out some of the First Night activities? Snow sculptures, singers, dancers, theatre shows… That would be really fun.
The major issue Julie had now was that she had nowhere to go for winter break. If Julie told her mom about the California plans falling through, Kate would back out of the cruise. Her mother deserved a tropical luxury trip, and Julie didn’t want to ruin that for her. Besides, her mother would have something snarky to say about her father having to cancel the trip, and Julie didn’t really want to hear it. Her father had been looking forward to this trip, too. She was sure.
He loved Julie. She was his daughter.
Of course he loved her.
But Kate would say something derogatory, and Julie would have to defend him again because her mother didn’t understand her father the way Julie did. He was driven and successful, and he had responsibilities and commitments that Kate couldn’t relate to. Her parents were so different from each other that it was hard to imagine how they’d even gotten together in the first place.
Julie sighed. It would have been nice if she’d had more than a few days notice about having to make other holiday plans. It was December twenty-first, after all.
Well, she just wouldn’t tell her mother about the non-trip until after the fact.
So what was she going to do now? Invite herself to stay with the Watkins family? That seemed rather intrusive. Not that there had been much holiday activity around the house. Celeste had pushed Matt to the breaking point until he had taken her and Julie out to buy a Christmas tree, but the tree remained untrimmed. Julie had stuck the presents she had bought for the family underneath the branches, to at least give the tree some semblance of festivity. There’d been no mention of having a holiday party or going to any, and so except for the display of holiday cards on the living room mantel and the empty tree, the house gave no indication that Christmas was only a few days away.
Maybe Julie was better off going to Ohio and spending vacation by herself? But then she’d miss dinner with her father. She could fly back to Boston on the thirty-first. That is, if she could even get a ticket to Ohio at this late date. Great. What a mess.
She didn’t want to impose on Erin and Roger more than she already had. Holidays were for family. Granted, Julie had come to feel like this clan was her family, but this didn’t mean she should crash Christmas.
Finn was the obvious exception. She hardly felt sisterly toward him. She felt… Well, she didn’t know how to define what she felt. An attraction, a connection, an intensity. And he seemed to feel the same way. Not that he had started writing her long, romantic emails where he poured his heart out with confessions of undying love, because that wasn’t Finn. Finn was funny and sweet and clever, and he wanted to know about her. Everything from how her day was, to what she enjoyed at school, and what she wanted to do with her life. But he was not syrupy
and corny.
They’d been emailing every few days, and she found herself jumping when her phone sounded or her computer beeped. She checked Facebook obsessively, waiting to see his latest status update, waiting to see something that indicated he was thinking about her. She’d liked yesterday’s best:
Finn is God is striving for terminal velocity. Care to join him?
Those were the things that let her know he was thinking about her. She didn’t need constant notes and texts reminding her. With his crazy traveling schedule, Finn couldn’t be in constant contact anyway, and Julie was good with that. They had an understanding.
OK, fine, she didn’t entirely understand what they were to each other, but they were something. Something more than friends. They had never even met, so he wasn’t exactly a boyfriend, but Julie didn’t feel the need to define their relationship, because she enjoyed whatever they had going on.
But now more than ever, she wanted Finn to come home. At night, she’d lay in bed, reading over his emails and texts and scrolling through his pictures, wondering if he did the same thing. She could sense his energy and his mood in each message he had written, and she’d come to know him so well that she could practically feel him. Like she knew what it would do to her to be with him.
So she would wait for him. Because one day, Finn would be home. One day, they could see what this really was between them.
Julie checked to see if he was on chat. He was signed off. She couldn’t remember where he was now. His travel plans were so complicated, and she’d learned that it was easier to stop trying to keep track of where he was going next and just follow along as he reported in.
Finn-
Thinking about you. That’s all.
-Julie
She ran spell check on the paper she had to hand in tomorrow and then started printing. As page fifteen slid out, her email sounded.
Julie-
I hope this message goes through. I keep falling off the network here. Thinking about you, too, and miss you. (Is that weird? How can I miss you? But I do.)
I’m not going to make it to Boston this month. I’ll explain later. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.
Glad you’re still awake, because I have a surprise for you. I know it won’t make up for my not being there, but it’s all I could think to do:
Go into the living room.
-Finn
She liked that he missed her. She liked it a lot. But she didn’t like that he wasn’t coming home.
Grouchy, but curious to see what Finn was talking about, she walked quietly down the stairs so that she didn’t wake anyone, and tiptoed to the living room. Please let the surprise not be another Flat Finn, she thought. That would be super creepy. Just as she entered the room, she stopped, taking in the scene before her.
All the house lights in here were off, but the room positively glowed. The entire ceiling had been covered in small white lights, and the tree was decorated with real candles. Green garlands with more lights had been tied to the mantel above the fireplace with small red ribbons running throughout the display. Matt stood on a step stool by the tree, lighting the candlewicks on the very top. It was just how she had described her house in Ohio to Finn. Actually, it was better.
“It’s beautiful,” she said.
Matt startled and wavered dangerously on the step stool. “God, Julie. You scared me to death!”
She laughed. “I’m sorry. I just got a message from Finn, and he told me to come down here.” She walked forward and lightly touched one of the branches. “It looks amazing.”
Matt lit the last candle and stepped down. “Don’t blame me if the house catches fire. This is all Finn’s idea. He said it would make you happy?”
Julie nodded, swallowing hard, as she slowly spun around. “It does make me happy.” She stopped and turned to Matt. “You did all this for me? I mean, Finn asked you to do this?”
Matt stuck his hands in his pockets and looked at the ceiling of lights. “He sent me a list of instructions and included detailed threats of bodily harm if I didn’t follow his demands to the letter. I think I got it all.” Matt moved to the coffee table where his laptop sat idling. He glanced at the screen and shut the lid. “Yes, OK. Now we’re supposed to lie under the tree. That does not sound traditional, but he said you would understand?” Matt looked doubtfully at her.
“I do understand. Come on!” She grabbed Matt’s hand and pulled him down to the floor with her. “I do this every year. You’ll like it.”
“Finn owes me,” he muttered, as he followed Julie and lay down on his back to slide under the lower branches. “Ow! If I lose an eye for this, then I expect a massively expensive Christmas present from you both to compensate me for my troubles. Like a bedazzled eye patch or something.”
“You have to go slow, silly. Don’t fling yourself into the tree. Ease your way underneath. There. See?”
Julie looked up through the branches to see the shadows and highlights that the candlelight created. In this small, private space, things were quiet and safe. The same way Finn had written about skydiving; the real world was gone. It was like when Julie was a kid, and she’d hang her blanket from the top bunk, making the lower bunk into a cozy cave. She did that a lot after her dad left.
“Actually, this is sort of… nice,” Matt said.
She turned to him. “I’ve never done this with anyone before. It’s always just me.”
“Oh. I thought I was supposed to stay here and do whatever it is we’re supposed to do under the tree. Do you want me to go?”
“No, stay!” She grabbed his arm again. “I like the company.”
Matt looked at her with amusement. “OK. So what do we do?”
“We think about profound things.”
“Ah. Philosophical ponderings and questions? I’ll go first. Prove to me that you are not a figment of my imagination.”
“Very funny.”
“Am I in a computer simulation? Does the door swing both ways? How can something come from nothing? How do you know a line is straight?’
“Matt, stop it!” Julie laughed.
“If animals wanted to be eaten, would it be OK? If time stopped then started again, would we even know about it? What happens when you get scared half to death twice? What is creationism? What is ethical?”
“What is driving me crazy?” Julie asked, still giggling.
“No, who is driving you crazy?” Matt corrected her, smiling. “But fine. If you don’t like my line of deep thinking, then you lead the way.”
Julie paused. “Now it all seems silly and juvenile.”
“Tell me anyway.”
“It’s just… Well, every year I lie under the tree, and… I don’t know. Assess my life. Get into a sort of dream state and see where my thoughts lead me.”
Matt crossed his long legs and rested his hands on his stomach. “I understand what you mean. Why don’t you close your eyes?”
“You close your eyes, too.”
“OK.”
Julie looked at Matt and waited. “You go first.”
“No, you go first.”
“We’ll do it at the same time. I don’t want to lie here with you watching me. Ready? Three, two, one, go.” Julie shut her eyes. “Now we wait and see what comes to us.”
Even with her eyes shut, the light from the candles flickered in her vision, bringing blurry, hazy images into her thoughts. She couldn’t believe Finn had arranged this. It’s almost like he was here with her, lying next to her. He had wanted to give her something special, and he had. What would happen when they meet? Julie wondered. What if there wasn’t that same chemistry—that same draw—that they had now? But she knew there would be. Some feelings just had to be trusted. So she let her mind wander, picturing what things might be like when he was back in Boston.
She’d move out of the house at some point, obviously. Maybe get her own apartment? Maybe Finn would get his own place, too? He could take her to his favorite spots in the city, and she cou
ld hear more details about his trips. She could tell him about her classes and college life and also drag him to Dunkin’ Donuts for Coolattas. He’d probably like them more than Matt. She and Finn could take Celeste to the Museum of Fine Art, and there would be no need to bring Flat Finn with them because Celeste would be whole again. Or closer to whole.
And then that nagging question hit Julie again: What had happened to Celeste to cause her to withdraw from the real world?
Julie turned her head to the side and opened her eyes. Matt was looking at her. “I told you not to watch me,” she whispered.
“I couldn’t help it,” he whispered back.
He was quiet for a moment, and she wondered what he’d been thinking about. He was probably breaking down a boring math theory. That is not what he was supposed to be doing now.
“Julie?”
“Yeah, Matt?”
He waited for a moment. “It’s like we’re free—”
“Oh my God!” Julie said, cutting him off. “I totally forgot to ask you.”
“Um… Ask me what?”
“My friend Dana wants you to call her.”
“That’s not asking me anything.”
“Stop correcting me. She wants to go out with you, you dork!”
“Oh.” Matt groaned and turned his head away. “I don’t know about that.”
“Matty, come on. You never go out!” Julie pleaded. “She’s really cool. You’d like Dana.”
“I’ll think about it. How’s that?” he offered.
“Have you ever had a girlfriend?”
Matt shot her a dirty look. “Of course I’ve had a girlfriend. What kind of question is that?”
Julie shrugged. “I don’t know. You never mention anyone.”
“I will admit that the romantic area of my life has been slow recently. I simply don’t have time to go out with anyone right now. You know what my schedule is like with school and with Celeste.”