He whispered in her ear, his voice breaking. “Julie, tell me that you fell in love with me, too. I know you did. I can feel it.”
“No, Matty,” she said crying. “I fell in love with Finn. I loved that boy, that imaginary, wonderful, fantasy boy. That boy wasn’t you. He was someone else, someone who never really existed. And… maybe part of me did fall in love with some version of you too, but that wasn’t real either. And now I’ve lost you both. You’ve broken my heart twice.”
“Please. I meant everything I wrote to you. Everything.” Matt was pleading with her now and squeezed his arms around her tightly. “I used to go skydiving and bungee jumping. Finn and I did those things together. After he died, I couldn’t take any more risks like that. It wasn’t fair to my parents. Or Celeste. I used to be different. My life was about more than managing, and coping, and keeping everything together. There was more to me. You started to bring that back. We have something here, Julie. You know that.”
“We don’t have anything.” She wiped her eyes on his shirt. It killed her to say this to him. She knew better than anybody how fragile Matt was right now and how much of himself he was giving to her. ““Please don’t make this harder. Please don’t make me hurt you more. But, Matt… Nothing that happened has been true.”
“I need you,” he begged. “You’re everything I’m not.”
“And you’re everything I don’t want.” Julie pushed away, breaking his embrace, and shook her head. “If you loved me, you couldn’t have done this. You couldn’t have been so careless with me. You know pain, and loss, and hurt better than anyone.” She hated each word as it came out of her mouth. “And that’s what you gave me. I know that it’s not the same. I know yours is worse. I’m so sorry for you, Matt. For your whole family. You’ve all been through hell. And you’ve been braver than anyone could. But I hurt now, too. And I can’t love you.”
Chapter 30
The alarm clock went off, filling the room with a hideously syrupy old Lifehouse song. Cursing herself for forgetting to turn the alarm off last night, Julie rolled over and yanked the cord out of the wall, but the music kept playing. God damn that battery back up! She had been in bed since seven the night before, having mumbled something to Erin through the door about not feeling well. Her eyes burned, and her head and heart ached. Everything hurt. There was really no good reason to get up, except to finish packing. She was moving to Dana’s tomorrow. She wanted out of here as quickly as possible. But the idea of mustering the energy she’d need to pack was further debilitating. Even with the torturous music, the dark room was safe. The world was on hold.
Holing up in her room since the dreadful talk with Matt was childish perhaps, but she didn’t care. Of course, it wasn’t really her room. It was Matt’s. He must have moved out so that the family didn’t have to deal with the agony of Finn’s empty bedroom. She threw her arm over her eyes. Poor Matt had taken on the brunt of the family’s grief.
After lying in bed for another hour, and suffering through “Romance Hour” on the local radio station, she finally dragged herself from the sheets and sat in front of her computer. There was one more thing that she had to do. She clicked on Finn is God’s page one last time and reread his status updates. Matt’s status updates. It was so hard to reconcile the truth with what she had believed for so many months. She moved the cursor to remove him from her friends list and then stopped. Under his profile picture she saw it. It was his birthday today. It was the real Finn’s birthday. She couldn’t take this and deleted him immediately.
Julie didn’t understand why she was feeling such a loss. It’s not as though she’d actually known Finn. It had been Matt the whole time. Technically, she hadn’t lost anyone. But it felt like she had. To amp up her misery was the fact that she had hurt Matt so terribly yesterday. That might be the worst piece of all.
Julie heard the house phone ring, and moments later Matt’s voice filled the house. “Julie! Julie!”
She hadn’t seen him since yesterday, when she had dropped from his embrace and fled to her room. The last thing she wanted was to face him now, but the sound in his voice let her know something was wrong.
“Julie!” Matt flung open the door. “Celeste is gone.”
“What? What do you mean gone?”
“She didn’t show up for third period today. My mother just called. She and Dad are heading over to the school now to see if anyone has seen her. Today is…today—”
“I know.” Julie stood up. “It’s Finn’s birthday.” This day must be intolerably painful. She rushed to the closet and yanked a shirt from a hanger. “We’ll find her.”
“I don’t know where she could be. Something is wrong. She has never skipped class.”
“Go start the car. I’ll be down in a minute.”
Matt nodded. “OK. Julie? Thank you. I know you hate me right now.”
He disappeared before she could protest.
Ten minutes later, Matt and Julie were in the car and heading toward Celeste’s school. It seemed worthwhile to drive around the area on the off-chance that she might be nearby. Julie had tried Rachel’s house; however her mother hadn’t heard from Celeste, and Rachel was most definitely in class today. Julie was hoping the two girls had ditched school together. Rachel’s mom promised to call if she got news.
Matt tapped the steering wheel. “Where could she be? Where could she be?”
“She’ll be fine. She wouldn’t have done anything stupid. It’s got to be a hard day for her. For all of you.”
“Yes, it is.” He kept his eyes straight ahead. “I had to tell her about our… talk. She would have wondered what was wrong. I don’t imagine that helped her.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so… callous yesterday. I just can’t…” Her words trailed off. “I understand why you did what you did.”
“You don’t have to explain. Really.”
Julie tapped her leg. She didn’t want to think about yesterday. Matt looked totally spent. Even worse than she did. And he had shut down on her again. That whole pouring-his-soul out routine was over. But the only thing that mattered right now was finding Celeste. She stared out the window as Matt drove around aimlessly, desperately hoping to come across his sister. Julie closed her eyes. Think. Think. Where would Celeste go?
“Matt, take a left. Here. Here!”
“Why?”
“I know where she is.”
He yanked the wheel and steered them toward the Charles River. “She couldn’t have,” he said in disbelief. “Why would she go there?”
“She went to the site of the accident. She must have.”
They sped down Memorial Drive. It was beautiful out today, with comfortable temperatures, blues skies, and a wonderful breeze. The irony of them all feeling so dreadful was undeniable.
Suddenly, Matt pulled the car over the curb and hit the brakes. “There she is.”
They both got out and raced toward her. Celeste sat on a wooden bench, looking out at the sparkling water. Matt and Julie crossed a grassy area, walking between students reading on blankets and bikers taking a break, and sat down on either side of Celeste.
“It’s a lovely day for boating, isn’t it?” Celeste finally asked. She put her hand in Matt’s, but continued staring at the river. “I’ve always thought it would be such fun to go for a ride down this river in a boat.”
“We could go sometime. They rent canoes here, you know?” Julie kicked her feet back and forth. “I would love to do that with you.”
They sat silently for a few minutes, watching the boats go by.
Finally, Celeste turned and looked at Julie. Her eyes were red and puffy, but her voice was clear. “I’m not crazy, you know.”
Julie nodded. “I know that.”
“I am aware that Finn is dead. Despite my seemingly unbreakable association with Flat Finn, I have always known that. I’m not delusional.”
“I understand.”
“I loved Finn so much. You would have really l
iked him, Julie. He was magical, wasn’t he, Matty?”
“He was,” Matt agreed. “Finn was someone special.”
Celeste leaned her head on his shoulder. “You’re magical, too. I love you, Matthew. I know that you think I liked Finn better than you. That’s not true. You are just a much of part of me as Finn is. I utterly worship you both. Always and forever. If you had died, there would have been a Flat Matt. I would have laughed endlessly at the silly rhyme.”
Matt dropped his head back and looked into the blue sky. “Sweetie, don’t… just don’t.”
“I’m terribly sorry, Julie,” Celeste continued. “I chose to create Flat Finn, and I chose to believe that Finn was traveling. This is my responsibility. I have an overly powerful imagination, and I made everyone abide by my fantasies. We didn’t mean to trick you.”
“You don’t have to apologize for anything,” Julie said.
“You’re leaving tomorrow. I won’t see you anymore.”
“I think I’ll leave tonight, actually. It seems best.” She could feel Matt staring at her. “But you’ll see me all the time. You and I will meet once a week in Harvard Square. Promise.”
“And Matt. Matt could come too,” Celeste suggested.
“We’ll see,” Julie said.
“Please don’t be angry with him. It’s because of me that Matt did what he did. He is totally enamored with you, Julie. Captivated. I see it in his eyes. Even though he looks tremendously demoralized today, I can still see it in his eyes. If you’re not totally disgruntled with me, you can’t be with him either. That’s not fair.”
“I’m not disgruntled.” Julie refused to look toward Matt. It was too confusing. Her emotions were exceptionally raw, and she could hardly tolerate being around him. It was only for Celeste’s sake that she was with him right now.
“I am asking you not to dismiss something with this sort of intensity. It’s rare.”
Julie had to stop her. “I can’t hear this right now. I’m sorry. Not now.”
“You have to leave her alone, Celeste. She’s had enough.” Matt put his arm around Celeste’s shoulder. “Are you OK? We were worried about you.”
She tried to smile. “I will be. Will you stay here with me, Matty? Just for a while? I feel close to Finn here.”
“If that’s what you want, sure.”
She snuggled into her brother’s arm. “Tell me again about the time you camped out in the back yard, and how the fabric caught fire when Finn decided to roast marshmallows inside the tent.”
Julie stood up. She reached down and took the car keys out of Matt’s hand. He looked up at her. It was impossibly brave of him to sit here with Celeste, on a bench right next to where their brother’s life had been violently and unforgivably taken away. She couldn’t stand the sadness in Matt’s eyes, and so she focused on the keys now in her hand. “I’ll take the car home and call Erin and Roger.”
“Julie.” The crack in his voice gutted her. “Thank you. For everything.”
“Matt…” Unable to say goodbye, she turned and ran to the car, telling herself that her eyes were stinging from the sharp wind that came off the river.
**********
There was just enough tape left to seal the last cardboard box. Dana and Jamie would be here in a half-hour to help her move. There really wasn’t much to load into his Jeep, so at least this should go quickly.
There was a knock on the door, and Erin stepped into the room. “You look like you’re just about set. Can I do anything to help?’
Julie shook her head. “No. I think that’s everything.”
Erin sat down on the bed and took a deep breath. “You’ve been crying.”
Julie nodded.
“I had a long talk with Roger and Matthew this afternoon. Thank you for finding Celeste today. We were in quite a panic, as you can imagine.”
“I’m just glad she’s all right. That’s all that matters.”
“Physically, she’s safe. But she’s not all right. None of us are. Julie, I’d like to tell you a few things, if you don’t mind.” Erin clasped her hands together. “Matthew told me that you know about Finn. About the accident.”
“Yes. I’m so sorry.” Julie sat down next to Erin. “I’m not sure what to say. I can’t begin to understand how hard this has been.”
“There are some things about the accident that you don’t know, and that might help you begin to comprehend why I never stopped this whole Finn charade.”
“Erin, you don’t owe me an explanation for anything. Really.”
“I want you to hear this. It might take the edge off what you’re going through.” Erin rubbed her hands over her knees, pausing before she began. “The accident was entirely my fault. I never should have been driving that day. I killed Finn. I am solely responsible for my son’s death.”
“It was an accident. Nobody blames you.”
“It was an accident, yes, but there’s more to it. I doubt Matthew told you this piece of the story, because he wanted to protect me. I gather you know that I have a history of severe depression? It’s all right. There have been enough secrets. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. I know that, but I’m still working on it. I had been doing well on the medication I’d been taking. I was functioning, happy even. Then I did what many people do. I went off them. I was content, enjoying life, and felt so strongly that I didn’t need them anymore. I would be fine. Well, I couldn’t. Nobody with my sort of depression could. I spiraled downward so quickly. It must have been terrifying for my family. Roger couldn’t convince me to start taking them again. I know that sounds strange, but in as depressive a state as I was in, I just could not see things rationally. I refused. I was hopeless and tired of fighting my despair.
“That day in February, I was completely out of touch with reality. Detached and dissociated, really. I got into the car with the vague thought that a drive might give me a sense of escape. I don’t remember this happening, but apparently Finn heard me start the car. He raced after me and jumped into the back seat. I drove by the river. Now I can hear hints of his voice, what he was saying to me, how he was trying to get me to pull over. But that day, as I drove, I had no awareness that Finn was with me, Julie. Can you believe that? I was so out of it that I forgot my own son was with me. I couldn’t see him, or understand what he was saying to me. Nothing. My depressive fog blocked out everything except the concept of relief, even temporary. It was easy just to let the cloudy feeling take over for a while. Driving around aimlessly and letting my depression be in charge felt like it would help. I should never have been behind the wheel that day. The car hit a patch of black ice, spun full circle, and smashed into a tree. ”
“Erin…”
“You don’t need to hear the details of the accident. Suffice it to say that it was gruesome. I’ll be haunted forever by what I saw that day.” Erin touched a hand to her cheek and closed her eyes. “It was incredibly icy. There had been accidents all over the city. The police considered my crash a result of the weather. Plain and simple. Which was true, to a degree, but my having gone off the medication was the real reason that I lost control of the car. Roger arranged for me to get in-patient help. Matthew didn’t know at the time that the accident was a result of my having stupidly stopped taking my meds. We told him later. He didn’t tell you because he didn’t want you to think less of me. Maybe there would have been an accident even if I’d been clear-headed that day. But Finn wouldn’t have been in the back seat without a seatbelt on, and he wouldn’t have died. The hard truth is that I killed my son, Julie. That’s why I have avoided my family since that day. I don’t deserve to be a mother. I cannot be responsible for Matthew and Celeste after what I’ve done. I don’t know how.”
Julie put her hand on Erin’s back. “You are still their mother. You will always be.”
Erin nodded vigorously and opened her eyes. “Eventually I will see that. I’m going to get there. I need to get some help, though. Having these amazing blinders on for so long has made
it possible to keep going. Flat Finn let me pretend. From now on, I need to do better. I will do better. We all have to find a way to get through this.”
Everything that Julie could think to say felt beyond inadequate. She wrapped her arms around Erin and held her while she cried.
Chapter 31
It was late August. Julie opened another packet of sugar and poured it into her coffee. Café Paradiso was quiet today, which was nice because it meant she’d be able to hear everything Celeste had to say without distraction.
Just as she had promised, she’d been meeting Celeste here every Monday afternoon since Julie had moved out of the Watkins’ house. Sometimes Celeste walked here alone, and sometimes Roger or Erin came with her. Never Matt, though. Julie hadn’t responded to any of Matt’s emails, except once when she asked him to please never to be the person who came with Celeste. She wasn’t ready to see him. Maybe one day, maybe never. It had been three months since Julie had said goodbye to him on that bench by the river. He had stopped writing her last month.
Dana had been pushing her all summer to talk about Matt, but she just couldn’t. The last time Dana tried, Julie had nearly dumped a bowl of cereal on her head. After that, her roommate had the good sense not to bring him up.
The summer had been nice. Quiet, uneventful, and perhaps a little boring. Precisely what she had needed. Julie had been doing an internship at a small publishing house in Cambridge, a position which she figured would look good on her resume. And it had kept her distracted. Kate had come to visit for a long weekend in July, but Julie was surprisingly less homesick than she would have imagined.
“There she is!”
Julie looked up, just as Celeste threw her arms around her neck in a hug. “Hey, kiddo! How was the Cape? I missed you last week.”