INTERNAL MEMO FROM PORTLAND DOWN RESEARCH LABORATORY, ENGLAND
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL
For the attention of: Base Commander Sir T G Staples, KCG, MBE, BA (Cantab)
Tim,
After over seventy hours of round the clock work, the boys in the lab have come up trumps! We have hit gold! Literally.
I gave the chaps their new brief as you’d requested: that they put aside all ongoing projects and concentrate all efforts into this one vitally important task. To change base metals into Scottish Gold.
The boffins achieved normal gold in a little over a day and a half - it was a simple enough procedure - but to produce Scottish gold, we realised, was going to prove much more difficult; fiendishly so in fact, but at last I am happy to be able to inform you that we have triumphed!
So far we have made just twelve bars of this very precious metal, in the form of gold bullion, ingots of the standard size which we have already stamped with the Royal crest. The entire procedure has taken place in a completely controlled environment and all but one bar is being kept in a sterile chamber. We are currently subjecting this control bar to a number of tests and exposing it to certain climatic conditions.
We believe the metal to be stable, but this has yet to be verified beyond all doubt and we have to make sure this purest of gold is not likely to be contaminated or corrupted at this delicate, early stage. The chances of any of these things are so slim as to be negligible, but we are all scientist here so I’m sure you can appreciate my thoroughness.
Now, the only question that remains is how much of the stuff do you want? Do you intend to completely flood the market, or simply enough to re-stock the world’s wealth after this chap has been apprehended? I presume that whichever of these options you decide upon you would like a little extra added to HM’s coffers? Speak, old chap, and it shall be done.
I’d appreciate it if you could let me know as soon as possible, as I’ve a golf comp. on at the weekend that I’d really rather not miss.
Yours
Charley
Sent from: JBC Roebuck-Smythe, PhD, MA, BSc (Camb), Chief Scientific Officer, Dept. of Metallurgical Research, Portland Down.
***