CHAPTER XIII. I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION
I find I have already filled up many scores of pages, and yet a vastdeal of the most interesting portion of my history remains to be told,viz. that which describes my sojourn in the kingdoms of England andIreland, and the great part I played there; moving among the mostillustrious of the land, myself not the least distinguished of thebrilliant circle. In order to give due justice to this portion of myMemoirs, then,--which is more important than my foreign adventures canbe (though I could fill volumes with interesting descriptions of thelatter),--I shall cut short the account of my travels in Europe, and ofmy success at the Continental Courts, in order to speak of what befellme at home. Suffice it to say that there is not a capital in Europe,except the beggarly one of Berlin, where the young Chevalier de Balibariwas not known and admired; and where he has not made the brave, thehigh-born, and the beautiful talk of him. I won 80,000 roubles fromPotemkin at the Winter Palace at Petersburg, which the scoundrellyfavourite never paid me; I have had the honour of seeing his RoyalHighness the Chevalier Charles Edward as drunk as any porter at Rome;my uncle played several matches at billiards against the celebrated LordC----at Spa, and I promise you did not come off a loser. In fact, by aneat stratagem of ours, we raised the laugh against his Lordship, andsomething a great deal more substantial. My Lord did not know that theChevalier Barry had a useless eye; and when, one day, my uncle playfullybet him odds at billiards that he would play him with a patch overone eye, the noble lord, thinking to bite us (he was one of the mostdesperate gamblers that ever lived), accepted the bet, and we won a veryconsiderable amount of him.
Nor need I mention my successes among the fairer portion of thecreation. One of the most accomplished, the tallest, the most athletic,and the handsomest gentlemen of Europe, as I was then, a young fellowof my figure could not fail of having advantages, which a person of myspirit knew very well how to use. But upon these subjects I am dumb.Charming Schuvaloff, black-eyed Sczotarska, dark Valdez, tenderHegenheim, brilliant Langeac!--ye gentle hearts that knew how to beat inold times for the warm young Irish gentleman, where are you now? Thoughmy hair has grown grey now, and my sight dim, and my heart cold withyears, and ennui, and disappointment, and the treachery of friends,yet I have but to lean back in my arm-chair and think, and those sweetfigures come rising up before me out of the past, with their smiles, andtheir kindnesses, and their bright tender eyes! There are no women likethem now--no manners like theirs! Look you at a bevy of women at thePrince's, stitched up in tight white satin sacks, with their waistsunder their arms, and compare them to the graceful figures of the oldtime! Why, when I danced with Coralie de Langeac at the fetes on thebirth of the first Dauphin at Versailles, her hoop was eighteen feetin circumference, and the heels of her lovely little mules were threeinches from the ground; the lace of my jabot was worth a thousandcrowns, and the buttons of my amaranth velvet coat alone cost eightythousand livres. Look at the difference now! The gentlemen are dressedlike boxers, Quakers, or hackney-coachmen; and the ladies are notdressed at all. There is no elegance, no refinement; none of thechivalry of the old world, of which I form a portion. Think of thefashion of London being led by a Br-mm-l! [Footnote: This manuscriptmust have been written at the time when Mr. Brummel was the leader ofthe London fashion.] a nobody's son: a low creature, who can no moredance a minuet than I can talk Cherokee; who cannot even crack a bottlelike a gentleman; who never showed himself to be a man with his sword inhis hand: as we used to approve ourselves in the good old times, beforethat vulgar Corsican upset the gentry of the world! Oh, to see theValdez once again, as on that day I met her first driving in state,with her eight mules and her retinue of gentlemen, by the side of yellowMancanares! Oh, for another drive with Hegenheim, in the gilded sledge,over the Saxon snow! False as Schuvaloff was, 'twas better to be jiltedby her than to be adored by any other woman. I can't think of any oneof them without tenderness. I have ringlets of all their hair in my poorlittle museum of recollections. Do you keep mine, you dear souls thatsurvive the turmoils and troubles of near half a hundred years? Howchanged its colour is now, since the day Sczotarska wore it round herneck, after my duel with Count Bjernaski, at Warsaw.
I never kept any beggarly books of accounts in those days. I had nodebts. I paid royally for everything I took; and I took everythingI wanted. My income must have been very large. My entertainments andequipages were those of a gentleman of the highest distinction; nor letany scoundrel presume to sneer because I carried off and married my LadyLyndon (as you shall presently hear), and call me an adventurer, or sayI was penniless, or the match unequal. Penniless! I had the wealthof Europe at my command. Adventurer! So is a meritorious lawyer ora gallant soldier; so is every man who makes his own fortune anadventurer. My profession was play: in which I was then unrivalled. Noman could play with me through Europe, on the square; and my income wasjust as certain (during health and the exercise of my profession) asthat of a man who draws on his Three-per-cents., or any fat squire whoseacres bring him revenue. Harvest is not more certain than the effect ofskill is: a crop is a chance, as much as a game of cards greatly playedby a fine player: there may be a drought, or a frost, or a hail-storm,and your stake is lost; but one man is just as much an adventurer asanother.
In evoking the recollection of these kind and fair creatures I havenothing but pleasure. I would I could say as much of the memory ofanother lady, who will henceforth play a considerable part in the dramaof my life,--I mean the Countess of Lyndon; whose fatal acquaintance Imade at Spa, very soon after the events described in the last chapterhad caused me to quit Germany.
Honoria, Countess of Lyndon, Viscountess Bullingdon in England, BaronessCastle Lyndon of the kingdom of Ireland, was so well known to the greatworld in her day, that I have little need to enter into her familyhistory; which is to be had in any peerage that the reader may layhis hand on. She was, as I need not say, a countess, viscountess, andbaroness in her own right. Her estates in Devon and Cornwall wereamong the most extensive in those parts; her Irish possessions not lessmagnificent; and they have been alluded to, in a very early part ofthese Memoirs, as lying near to my own paternal property in the kingdomof Ireland: indeed, unjust confiscations in the time of Elizabeth andher father went to diminish my acres, while they added to the alreadyvast possessions of the Lyndon family.
The Countess, when I first saw her at the assembly at Spa, was the wifeof her cousin, the Right Honourable Sir Charles Reginald Lyndon, Knightof the Bath, and Minister to George II. and George III. at several ofthe smaller Courts of Europe. Sir Charles Lyndon was celebrated as a witand bon vivant: he could write love-verses against Hanbury Williams, andmake jokes with George Selwyn; he was a man of vertu like Harry Walpole,with whom and Mr. Grey he had made a part of the grand tour; and wascited, in a word, as one of the most elegant and accomplished men of histime.
I made this gentleman's acquaintance as usual at the play-table, ofwhich he was a constant frequenter. Indeed, one could not but admire thespirit and gallantry with which he pursued his favourite pastime; for,though worn out by gout and a myriad of diseases, a cripple wheeledabout in a chair, and suffering pangs of agony, yet you would see himevery morning and every evening at his post behind the delightful greencloth: and if, as it would often happen, his own hands were too feebleor inflamed to hold the box, he would call the mains, nevertheless,and have his valet or a friend to throw for him. I like this courageousspirit in a man; the greatest successes in life have been won by suchindomitable perseverance.
I was by this time one of the best-known characters in Europe; and thefame of my exploits, my duels, my courage at play, would bring crowdsaround me in any public society where I appeared. I could show reams ofscented paper, to prove that this eagerness to make my acquaintance wasnot confined to the gentlemen only; but that I hate boasting, andonly talk of myself in so far as it is necessary to relate myself'sadventures: the most singular of any man's in Europe. Well, Sir CharlesLyndon's first acquaintance with me
originated in the right honourableknight's winning 700 pieces of me at picquet (for which he was almost mymatch); and I lost them with much good-humour, and paid them: and paidthem, you may be sure, punctually. Indeed, I will say this for myself,that losing money at play never in the least put me out of good-humourwith the winner, and that wherever I found a superior, I was alwaysready to acknowledge and hail him.
Lyndon was very proud of winning from so celebrated a person, and wecontracted a kind of intimacy; which, however, did not for a while gobeyond pump-room attentions, and conversations over the supper-table atplay: but which gradually increased, until I was admitted into his moreprivate friendship. He was a very free-spoken man (the gentry of thosedays were much prouder than at present), and used to say to me in hishaughty easy way, 'Hang it, Mr. Barry, you have no more manners than abarber, and I think my black footman has been better educated than you;but you are a young fellow of originality and pluck, and I like you,sir, because you seem determined to go to the deuce by a way of yourown.' I would thank him laughingly for this compliment, and say, thatas he was bound to the next world much sooner than I was, I would beobliged to him to get comfortable quarters arranged there for me. Heused also to be immensely amused with my stories about the splendour ofmy family and the magnificence of Castle Brady: he would never tire oflistening or laughing at those histories.
'Stick to the trumps, however, my lad,' he would say, when I told him ofmy misfortunes in the conjugal line, and how near I had been winning thegreatest fortune in Germany. 'Do anything but marry, my artless Irishrustic' (he called me by a multiplicity of queer names). 'Cultivate yourgreat talents in the gambling line; but mind this, that a woman willbeat you.'
That I denied; mentioning several instances in which I had conquered themost intractable tempers among the sex.
'They will beat you in the long run, my Tipperary Alcibiades. As soonas you are married, take my word of it, you are conquered. Look at me. Imarried my cousin, the noblest and greatest heiress in England--marriedher in spite of herself almost' (here a dark shade passed over SirCharles Lyndon's countenance). 'She is a weak woman. You shall see her,sir, HOW weak she is; but she is my mistress. She has embittered mywhole life. She is a fool; but she has got the better of one of the bestheads in Christendom. She is enormously rich; but somehow I have neverbeen so poor as since I married her. I thought to better myself; andshe has made me miserable and killed me. And she will do as much for mysuccessor, when I am gone.'
'Has her Ladyship a very large income?' said I. At which Sir Charlesburst out into a yelling laugh, and made me blush not a little at mygaucherie; for the fact is, seeing him in the condition in which he was,I could not help speculating upon the chance a man of spirit might havewith his widow.
'No, no!' said he, laughing. 'Waugh hawk, Mr. Barry; don't think, ifyou value your peace of mind, to stand in my shoes when they are vacant.Besides, I don't think my Lady Lyndon would QUITE condescend to marrya'----
'Marry a what, sir?' said I, in a rage.
"Never mind what: but the man who gets her will rue it, take my wordon't. A plague on her! had it not been for my father's ambition and mine(he was her uncle and guardian, and we wouldn't let such a prize out ofthe family), I might have died peaceably, at least; carried my gout downto my grave in quiet, lived in my modest tenement in Mayfair, had everyhouse in England open to me; and now, now I have six of my own, andevery one of them is a hell to me. Beware of greatness, Mr. Barry. Takewarning by me. Ever since I have been married and have been rich, I havebeen the most miserable wretch in the world. Look at me. I am dying aworn-out cripple at the age of fifty. Marriage has added forty years tomy life. When I took off Lady Lyndon, there was no man of my yearswho looked so young as myself. Fool that I was! I had enough with mypensions, perfect freedom, the best society in Europe; and I gave upall these, and married, and was miserable. Take a warning by me, CaptainBarry, and stick to the trumps."
Though my intimacy with the knight was considerable, for a long time Inever penetrated into any other apartments of his hotel but those whichhe himself occupied. His lady lived entirely apart from him; and itis only curious how they came to travel together at all. She was agoddaughter of old Mary Wortley Montagu: and, like that famous old womanof the last century, made considerable pretensions to be a blue-stockingand a bel esprit. Lady Lyndon wrote poems in English and Italian, whichstill may be read by the curious in the pages of the magazines of theday. She entertained a correspondence with several of the Europeansavans upon history, science, and ancient languages, and especiallytheology. Her pleasure was to dispute controversial points with abbesand bishops; and her flatterers said she rivalled Madam Dacier inlearning. Every adventurer who had a discovery in chemistry, a newantique bust, or a plan for discovering the philosopher's stone, wassure to find a patroness in her. She had numberless works dedicated toher, and sonnets without end addressed to her by all the poetasters ofEurope, under the name of Lindonira or Calista. Her rooms were crowdedwith hideous China magots, and all sorts of objects of VERTU.
No woman piqued herself more upon her principles, or allowed love to bemade to her more profusely. There was a habit of courtship practisedby the fine gentlemen of those days, which is little understood in ourcoarse downright times: and young and old fellows would pour out floodsof compliments in letters and madrigals, such as would make a sober ladystare were they addressed to her nowadays: so entirely has the gallantryof the last century disappeared out of our manners.
Lady Lyndon moved about with a little court of her own. She hadhalf-a-dozen carriages in her progresses. In her own she would travelwith her companion (some shabby lady of quality), her birds, andpoodles, and the favourite savant for the time being. In another wouldbe her female secretary and her waiting-women; who, in spite of theircare, never could make their mistress look much better than a slattern.Sir Charles Lyndon had his own chariot, and the domestics of theestablishment would follow in other vehicles.
Also must be mentioned the carriage in which rode her Ladyship'schaplain, Mr. Runt, who acted in capacity of governor to her son, thelittle Viscount Bullingdon,--a melancholy deserted little boy, aboutwhom his father was more than indifferent, and whom his mother neversaw, except for two minutes at her levee, when she would put to him afew questions of history or Latin grammar; after which he was consignedto his own amusements, or the care of his governor, for the rest of theday.
The notion of such a Minerva as this, whom I saw in the public placesnow and then, surrounded by swarms of needy abbes and schoolmasters,who flattered her, frightened me for some time, and I had not theleast desire to make her acquaintance. I had no desire to be one of thebeggarly adorers in the great lady's train,--fellows, half friend, halflacquey, who made verses, and wrote letters, and ran errands, content tobe paid by a seat in her Ladyship's box at the comedy, or a cover at herdinner-table at noon. 'Don't be afraid,' Sir Charles Lyndon wouldsay, whose great subject of conversation and abuse was his lady: 'myLindonira will have nothing to do with you. She likes the Tuscan brogue,not that of Kerry. She says you smell too much of the stable to beadmitted to ladies' society; and last Sunday fortnight, when she did methe honour to speak to me last, said, "I wonder, Sir Charles Lyndon,a gentleman who has been the King's ambassador can demean himself bygambling and boozing with low Irish blacklegs!" Don't fly in a fury! I'ma cripple, and it was Lindonira said it, not I.'
This piqued me, and I resolved to become acquainted with Lady Lyndon;if it were but to show her Ladyship that the descendant of those Barrys,whose property she unjustly held, was not an unworthy companion for anylady, were she ever so high. Besides, my friend the knight was dying:his widow would be the richest prize in the three kingdoms. Why should Inot win her, and, with her, the means of making in the world that figurewhich my genius and inclination desired? I felt I was equal in bloodand breeding to any Lyndon in Christendom, and determined to bend thishaughty lady. When I determine, I look upon the thing as done.
My uncle and I talked the matt
er over, and speedily settled upon amethod for making our approaches upon this stately lady of CastleLyndon. Mr. Runt, young Lord Bullingdon's governor, was fond ofpleasure, of a glass of Rhenish in the garden-houses in the summerevenings, and of a sly throw of the dice when the occasion offered; andI took care to make friends with this person, who, being a college tutorand an Englishman, was ready to go on his knees to any one who resembleda man of fashion. Seeing me with my retinue of servants, my vis-a-visand chariots, my valets, my hussar, and horses, dressed in gold, andvelvet, and sables, saluting the greatest people in Europe as we meton the course, or at the Spas, Runt was dazzled by my advances, andwas mine by a beckoning of the finger. I shall never forget the poorwretch's astonishment when I asked him to dine, with two counts, offgold plate, at the little room in the casino: he was made happy bybeing allowed to win a few pieces of us, became exceedingly tipsy, sangCambridge songs, and recreated the company by telling us, in his horridYorkshire French, stories about the gyps, and all the lords that hadever been in his college. I encouraged him to come and see me oftener,and bring with him his little viscount; for whom, though the boy alwaysdetested me, I took care to have a good stock of sweetmeats, toys, andpicture-books when he came.
I then began to enter into a controversy with Mr. Runt, and confided tohim some doubts which I had, and a very very earnest leaning towards theChurch of Rome. I made a certain abbe whom I knew write me letters upontransubstantiation, &c., which the honest tutor was rather puzzled toanswer. I knew that they would be communicated to his lady, as theywere; for, asking leave to attend the English service which wascelebrated in her apartments, and frequented by the best English thenat the Spa, on the second Sunday she condescended to look at me; on thethird she was pleased to reply to my profound bow by a curtsey; the nextday I followed up the acquaintance by another obeisance in the publicwalk; and, to make a long story short, her Ladyship and I were in fullcorrespondence on transubstantiation before six weeks were over. My Ladycame to the aid of her chaplain; and then I began to see the prodigiousweight of his arguments: as was to be expected. The progress of thisharmless little intrigue need not be detailed. I make no doubt every oneof my readers has practised similar stratagems when a fair lady was inthe case.
I shall never forget the astonishment of Sir Charles Lyndon when, onone summer evening, as he was issuing out to the play-table in hissedan-chair, according to his wont, her Ladyship's barouche and four,with her outriders in the tawny livery of the Lyndon family, camedriving into the courtyard of the house which they inhabited; and inthat carriage, by her Ladyship's side, sat no other than the 'vulgarIrish adventurer,' as she was pleased to call him: I mean Redmond Barry,Esquire. He made the most courtly of his bows, and grinned and waved hishat in as graceful a manner as the gout permitted; and her Ladyship andI replied to the salutation with the utmost politeness and elegance onour parts.
I could not go to the play-table for some time afterwards for LadyLyndon and I had an argument on transubstantiation, which lasted forthree hours; in which she was, as usual, victorious, and, in which hercompanion, the Honourable Miss Flint Skinner, fell asleep; but when, atlast, I joined Sir Charles at the casino, he received me with a yell oflaughter, as his wont was, and introduced me to all the company as LadyLyndon's interesting young convert. This was his way. He laughed andsneered at everything. He laughed when he was in a paroxysm of pain; helaughed when he won money, or when he lost it: his laugh was not jovialor agreeable, but rather painful and sardonic.
'Gentlemen,' said he to Punter, Colonel Loder, Count du Carreau, andseveral jovial fellows with whom he used to discuss a flask of champagneand a Rhenish trout or two after play, 'see this amiable youth! He hasbeen troubled by religious scruples, and has flown for refuge to mychaplain, Mr. Runt, who has asked for advice from my wife, Lady Lyndon;and, between them both, they are confirming my ingenious young friend inhis faith. Did you ever hear of such doctors, and such a disciple?'
''Faith, sir,' said I, 'if I want to learn good principles, it's surelybetter I should apply for them to your lady and your chaplain than toyou!'
'He wants to step into my shoes!' continued the knight.
'The man would be happy who did so,' responded I, 'provided there wereno chalk-stones included!' At which reply Sir Charles was not very wellpleased, and went on with increased rancour. He was always free-spokenin his cups; and, to say the truth, he was in his cups many more timesin a week than his doctors allowed.
'Is it not a pleasure, gentlemen,' said he, 'for me, as I am drawingnear the goal, to find my home such a happy one; my wife so fond of me,that she is even now thinking of appointing a successor? (I don't meanyou precisely, Mr. Barry; you are only taking your chance with a scoreof others whom I could mention.) Isn't it a comfort to see her, likea prudent housewife, getting everything ready for her husband'sdeparture?'
'I hope you are not thinking of leaving us soon, knight?' said I, withperfect sincerity; for I liked him, as a most amusing companion. 'Notso soon, my dear, as you may fancy, perhaps,' continued he. 'Why, man,I have been given over any time these four years; and there was always acandidate or two waiting to apply for the situation. Who knows how longI may keep you waiting?' and he DID keep me waiting some little timelonger than at that period there was any reason to suspect.
As I declared myself pretty openly, according to my usual way, andauthors are accustomed to describe the persons of the ladies with whomtheir heroes fall in love; in compliance with this fashion, I perhapsshould say a word or two respecting the charms of my Lady Lyndon. Butthough I celebrated them in many copies of verses, of my own and otherpersons' writing; and though I filled reams of paper in the passionatestyle of those days with compliments to every one of her beauties andsmiles, in which I compared her to every flower, goddess, or famousheroine ever heard of,--truth compels me to say that there was nothingdivine about her at all. She was very well; but no more. Her shape wasfine, her hair dark, her eyes good, and exceedingly active; she lovedsinging, but performed it as so great a lady should, very much out oftune. She had a smattering of half-a-dozen modern languages, and, as Ihave said before, of many more sciences than I even knew the names of.She piqued herself on knowing Greek and Latin; but the truth is, thatMr. Runt, used to supply her with the quotations which she introducedinto her voluminous correspondence. She had as much love of admiration,as strong, uneasy a vanity, and as little heart, as any woman I everknew. Otherwise, when her son, Lord Bullingdon, on account of hisdifferences with me, ran--but that matter shall be told in its propertime. Finally, my Lady Lyndon was about a year older than myself;though, of course, she would take her Bible oath that she was threeyears younger.
Few men are so honest as I am; for few will own to their real motives,and I don't care a button about confessing mine. What Sir Charles Lyndonsaid was perfectly true. I made the acquaintance of Lady Lyndon withulterior views. 'Sir,' said I to him, when, after the scene describedand the jokes he made upon me, we met alone, 'let those laugh that win.You were very pleasant upon me a few nights since, and on my intentionsregarding your lady. Well, if they ARE what you think they are,--if I DOwish to step into your shoes, what then? I have no other intentions thanyou had yourself. I'll be sworn to muster just as much regard for myLady Lyndon as you ever showed her; and if I win her and wear her whenyou are dead and gone, corbleu, knight, do you think it will be the fearof your ghost will deter me?'
Lyndon laughed as usual; but somewhat disconcertedly: indeed I hadclearly the best of him in the argument, and had just as much right tohunt my fortune as he had.
But one day he said, 'If you marry such a woman as my Lady Lyndon, markmy words, you will regret it. You will pine after the liberty you onceenjoyed. By George! Captain Barry,' he added, with a sigh, 'the thingthat I regret most in life--perhaps it is because I am old, blase, anddying--is, that I never had a virtuous attachment.'
'Ha! ha! a milkmaid's daughter!' said I, laughing at the absurdity.
'Well, why not a milkmaid's daughter? My go
od fellow, I WAS in lovein youth, as most gentlemen are, with my tutor's daughter, Helena, abouncing girl; of course older than myself' (this made me remember myown little love-passages with Nora Brady in the days of my early life),'and do you know, sir, I heartily regret I didn't marry her? There'snothing like having a virtuous drudge at home, sir; depend upon that. Itgives a zest to one's enjoyments in the world, take my word for it. Noman of sense need restrict himself, or deny himself a single amusementfor his wife's sake: on the contrary, if he select the animal properly,he will choose such a one as shall be no bar to his pleasure, but acomfort in his hours of annoyance. For instance, I have got the gout:who tends me? A hired valet, who robs me whenever he has the power. Mywife never comes near me. What friend have I? None in the wide world.Men of the world, as you and I are, don't make friends; and we arefools for our pains. Get a friend, sir, and that friend a woman--agood household drudge, who loves you. THAT is the most precious sort offriendship; for the expense of it is all on the woman's side. The manneedn't contribute anything. If he's a rogue, she'll vow he's an angel;if he's a brute, she will like him all the better for his ill-treatmentof her. They like it, sir, these women. They are born to be our greatestcomforts and conveniences; our--our moral bootjacks, as it were; and tomen in your way of life, believe me such a person would be invaluable.I am only speaking for your bodily and mental comfort's sake, mind. Whydidn't I marry poor Helena Flower, the curate's daughter?'
I thought these speeches the remarks of a weakly disappointed man;although since, perhaps, I have had reason to find the truth of SirCharles Lyndon's statements. The fact is, in my opinion, that we oftenbuy money very much too dear. To purchase a few thousands a year at theexpense of an odious wife, is very bad economy for a young fellow of anytalent and spirit; and there have been moments of my life when, in themidst of my greatest splendour and opulence, with half-a-dozen lords atmy levee, with the finest horses in my stables, the grandest house overmy head, with unlimited credit at my banker's, and--Lady Lyndon to boot,I have wished myself back a private of Bulow's, or anything, so as toget rid of her. To return, however, to the story. Sir Charles, with hiscomplication of ills, was dying before us by inches! and I've no doubtit could not have been very pleasant to him to see a young handsomefellow paying court to his widow before his own face as it were. AfterI once got into the house on the transubstantiation dispute, I found adozen more occasions to improve my intimacy, and was scarcely ever outof her Ladyship's doors. The world talked and blustered; but what caredI? The men cried fie upon the shameless Irish adventurer; but I havetold my way of silencing such envious people: and my sword had by thistime got such a reputation through Europe, that few people cared toencounter it. If I can once get my hold of a place, I keep it. Many'sthe house I have been to where I have seen the men avoid me. 'Faugh! thelow Irishman,' they would say. 'Bah! the coarse adventurer!' 'Out on theinsufferable blackleg and puppy!' and so forth. This hatred has beenof no inconsiderable service to me in the world; for when I fasten on aman, nothing can induce me to release my hold: and I am left to myself,which is all the better. As I told Lady Lyndon in those days, withperfect sincerity, 'Calista' (I used to call her Calista in mycorrespondence)--' Calista, I swear to thee, by the spotlessness of thyown soul, by the brilliancy of thy immitigable eyes, by everything pureand chaste in heaven and in thy own heart, that I will never ceasefrom following thee! Scorn I can bear, and have borne at thy hands.Indifference I can surmount; 'tis a rock which my energy will climbover, a magnet which attracts the dauntless iron of my soul!' And it wastrue, I wouldn't have left her--no, though they had kicked me downstairsevery day I presented myself at her door.
That is my way of fascinating women. Let the man who has to make hisfortune in life remember this maxim. ATTACKING is his only secret. Dare,and the world always yields: or, if it beat you sometimes, dare again,and it will succumb. In those days my spirit was so great, that if Ihad set my heart upon marrying a princess of the blood, I would have hadher!
I told Calista my story, and altered very very little of the truth.My object was to frighten her: to show her that what I wanted, that Idared; that what I dared, that I won; and there were striking passagesenough in my history to convince her of my iron will and indomitablecourage. 'Never hope to escape me, madam,' I would say: 'offer tomarry another man, and he dies upon this sword, which never yet met itsmaster. Fly from me, and I will follow you, though it were to the gatesof Hades.' I promise you this was very different language to that shehad been in the habit of hearing from her Jemmy-Jessamy adorers. Youshould have seen how I scared the fellows from her.
When I said in this energetic way that I would follow Lady Lyndon acrossthe Styx if necessary, of course I meant that I would do so, providednothing more suitable presented itself in the interim. If Lyndon wouldnot die, where was the use of my pursuing the Countess? And somehow,towards the end of the Spa season, very much to my mortification I doconfess, the knight made another rally: it seemed as if nothing wouldkill him. 'I am sorry for you, Captain Barry,' he would say, laughing asusual. 'I'm grieved to keep you, or any gentleman, waiting. Had you notbetter arrange with my doctor, or get the cook to flavour my omelettewith arsenic? What are the odds, gentlemen,' he would add, 'that I don'tlive to see Captain Barry hanged yet?'
In fact, the doctors tinkered him up for a year. 'It's my usual luck,'I could not help saying to my uncle, who was my confidential and mostexcellent adviser in all matters of the heart. 'I've been wasting thetreasures of my affections upon that flirt of a countess, and here'sher husband restored to health and likely to live I don't know how manyyears!' And, as if to add to my mortification, there came just at thisperiod to Spa an English tallow-chandler's heiress, with a plum toher fortune; and Madame Cornu, the widow of a Norman cattle-dealer andfarmer-general, with a dropsy and two hundred thousand livres a year.
'What's the use of my following the Lyndons to England,' says I, 'if theknight won't die?'
'Don't follow them, my dear simple child,' replied my uncle. 'Stop hereand pay court to the new arrivals.'
'Yes, and lose Calista for ever, and the greatest estate in allEngland.'
'Pooh, pooh! youths like you easily fire and easily despond. Keep up acorrespondence with Lady Lyndon. You know there's nothing she likesso much. There's the Irish abbe, who will write you the most charmingletters for a crown apiece. Let her go; write to her, and meanwhile lookout for anything else which may turn up. Who knows? you might marry theNorman widow, bury her, take her money, and be ready for the Countessagainst the knight's death.'
And so, with vows of the most profound respectful attachment, and havinggiven twenty louis to Lady Lyndon's waiting-woman for a lock of herhair (of which fact, of course, the woman informed her mistress), I tookleave of the Countess, when it became necessary for her return to herestates in England; swearing I would follow her as soon as an affair ofhonour I had on my hands could be brought to an end.
I shall pass over the events of the year that ensued before I againsaw her. She wrote to me according to promise; with much regularity atfirst, with somewhat less frequency afterwards. My affairs, meanwhile,at the play-table went on not unprosperously, and I was just on thepoint of marrying the widow Cornu (we were at Brussels by this time, andthe poor soul was madly in love with me,) when the London Gazette wasput into my hands, and I read the following announcement:--
'Died at Castle-Lyndon, in the kingdom of Ireland, the Right HonourableSir Charles Lyndon, Knight of the Bath, member of Parliament for Lyndonin Devonshire, and many years His Majesty's representative at variousEuropean Courts. He hath left behind him a name which is endeared to allhis friends for his manifold virtues and talents, a reputation justlyacquired in the service of His Majesty, and an inconsolable widow todeplore his loss. Her Ladyship, the bereaved Countess of Lyndon, wasat the Bath when the horrid intelligence reached her of her husband'sdemise, and hastened to Ireland immediately in order to pay her last sadduties to his beloved remains.'
That very night I or
dered my chariot and posted to Ostend, whence Ifreighted a vessel to Dover, and travelling rapidly into the West,reached Bristol; from which port I embarked for Waterford, and foundmyself, after an absence of eleven years, in my native country.