CHAPTER XVIII. MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER
And now, if any people should be disposed to think my history immoral(for I have heard some assert that I was a man who never deserved thatso much prosperity should fall to my share), I will beg those cavillersto do me the favour to read the conclusion of my adventures; when theywill see it was no such great prize that I had won, and that wealth,splendour, thirty thousand per annum, and a seat in Parliament, areoften purchased at too dear a rate, when one has to buy those enjoymentsat the price of personal liberty, and saddled with the charge of atroublesome wife.
They are the deuce, these troublesome wives, and that is the truth. Noman knows until he tries how wearisome and disheartening the burthen ofone of them is, and how the annoyance grows and strengthens from yearto year, and the courage becomes weaker to bear it; so that that troublewhich seemed light and trivial the first year, becomes intolerableten years after. I have heard of one of the classical fellows in thedictionary who began by carrying a calf up a hill every day, and socontinued until the animal grew to be a bull, which he still easilyaccommodated upon his shoulders; but take my word for it, youngunmarried gentlemen, a wife is a very much harder pack to the back thanthe biggest heifer in Smithfield and, if I can prevent one of you frommarrying, the 'Memoirs of Barry Lyndon, Esq.' will not be written invain. Not that my Lady was a scold or a shrew, as some wives are; Icould have managed to have cured her of that; but she was of a cowardly,crying, melancholy, maudlin temper, which is to me still more odious:do what one would to please her, she would never be happy or ingood-humour. I left her alone after a while; and because, as was naturalin my case, where a disagreeable home obliged me to seek amusement andcompanions abroad, she added a mean detestable jealousy to all her otherfaults: I could not for some time pay the commonest attention to anyother woman, but my Lady Lyndon must weep, and wring her hands, andthreaten to commit suicide, and I know not what.
Her death would have been no comfort to me, as I leave any person ofcommon prudence to imagine; for that scoundrel of a young Bullingdon(who was now growing up a tall, gawky, swarthy lad, and about to becomemy greatest plague and annoyance) would have inherited every penny ofthe property, and I should have been left considerably poorer even thanwhen I married the widow: for I spent my personal fortune as well as thelady's income in the keeping up of our rank, and was always too much aman of honour and spirit to save a penny of Lady Lyndon's income. Letthis be flung in the teeth of my detractors, who say I never could haveso injured the Lyndon property had I not been making a private purse formyself; and who believe that, even in my present painful situation, Ihave hoards of gold laid by somewhere, and could come out as a Croesuswhen I choose. I never raised a shilling upon Lady Lyndon's property butI spent it like a man of honour; besides incurring numberless personalobligations for money, which all went to the common stock. Independentof the Lyndon mortgages and incumbrances, I owe myself at least onehundred and twenty thousand pounds, which I spent while in occupancy ofmy wife's estate; so that I may justly say that property is indebted tome in the above-mentioned sum.
Although I have described the utter disgust and distaste which speedilytook possession of my breast as regarded Lady Lyndon; and although Itook no particular pains (for I am all frankness and above-board) todisguise my feelings in general, yet she was of such a mean spirit, thatshe pursued me with her regard in spite of my indifference to her, andwould kindle up at the smallest kind word I spoke to her. The fact is,between my respected reader and myself, that I was one of the handsomestand most dashing young men of England in those days, and my wife wasviolently in love with me; and though I say it who shouldn't, as thephrase goes, my wife was not the only woman of rank in London who had afavourable opinion of the humble Irish adventurer. What a riddle thesewomen are, I have often thought! I have seen the most elegant creaturesat St. James's grow wild for love of the coarsest and most vulgar ofmen; the cleverest women passionately admire the most illiterate ofour sex, and so on. There is no end to the contrariety in the foolishcreatures; and though I don't mean to hint that _I_ am vulgar orilliterate, as the persons mentioned above (I would cut the throat ofany man who dared to whisper a word against my birth or my breeding),yet I have shown that Lady Lyndon had plenty of reason to dislike meif she chose: but, like the rest of her silly sex, she was governedby infatuation, not reason; and, up to the very last day of our beingtogether, would be reconciled to me, and fondle me, if I addressed her asingle kind word.
'Ah,' she would say, in these moments of tenderness--'Ah, REDMOND, ifyou would always be so!' And in these fits of love she was the most easycreature in the world to be persuaded, and would have signed away herwhole property, had it been possible. And, I must confess, it waswith very little attention on my part that I could bring her intogood-humour. To walk with her on the Mall, or at Ranelagh, to attend herto church at St. James's, to purchase any little present or trinket forher, was enough to coax her. Such is female inconsistency! The nextday she would be calling me 'Mr. Barry' probably, and be bemoaning hermiserable fate that she ever should have been united to such a monster.So it was she was pleased to call one of the most brilliant men in HisMajesty's three kingdoms: and I warrant me OTHER ladies had a much moreflattering opinion of me.
Then she would threaten to leave me; but I had a hold of her in theperson of her son, of whom she was passionately fond: I don't knowwhy, for she had always neglected Bullingdon her older son, and neverbestowed a thought upon his health, his welfare, or his education.
It was our young boy, then, who formed the great bond of union betweenme and her Ladyship; and there was no plan of ambition I could proposein which she would not join for the poor lad's behoof, and no expenseshe would not eagerly incur, if it might by any means be shown to tendto his advancement. I can tell you, bribes were administered, and inhigh places too,--so near the royal person of His Majesty, that youwould be astonished were I to mention what great personages condescendedto receive our loans. I got from the English and Irish heralds adescription and detailed pedigree of the Barony of Barryogue, andclaimed respectfully to be reinstated in my ancestral titles, and alsoto be rewarded with the Viscounty of Ballybarry. 'This head would becomea coronet,' my Lady would sometimes say, in her fond moments, smoothingdown my hair; and, indeed, there is many a puny whipster in theirLordships' house who has neither my presence nor my courage, mypedigree, nor any of my merits.
The striving after this peerage I considered to have been one ofthe most unlucky of all my unlucky dealings at this period. I madeunheard-of sacrifices to bring it about. I lavished money here anddiamonds there. I bought lands at ten times their value; purchasedpictures and articles of vertu at ruinous prices. I gave repeatedentertainments to those friends to my claims who, being about the Royalperson, were likely to advance it. I lost many a bet to the Royal DukesHis Majesty's brothers; but let these matters be forgotten, and,because of my private injuries, let me not be deficient in loyalty to mySovereign.
The only person in this transaction whom I shall mention openly, is thatold scamp and swindler, Gustavus Adolphus, thirteenth Earl of Crabs.This nobleman was one of the gentlemen of His Majesty's closet, and onewith whom the revered monarch was on terms of considerable intimacy. Aclose regard had sprung up between them in the old King's time; whenHis Royal Highness, playing at battledore and shuttlecock with the younglord on the landing-place of the great staircase at Kew, in some momentof irritation the Prince of Wales kicked the young Earl downstairs, who,falling, broke his leg. The Prince's hearty repentance for his violencecaused him to ally himself closely with the person whom he had injured;and when His Majesty came to the throne there was no man, it is said, ofwhom the Earl of Bute was so jealous as of my Lord Crabs. The latter waspoor and extravagant, and Bute got him out of the way, by sending himon the Russian and other embassies; but on this favourite's dismissal,Crabs sped back from the Continent, and was appointed almost immediatelyto a place about His Majesty's person.
It was with this di
sreputable nobleman that I contracted an unlucklyintimacy; when, fresh and unsuspecting, I first established myself intown, after my marriage with Lady Lyndon: and, as Crabs was really oneof the most entertaining fellows in the world, I took a sincere pleasurein his company; besides the interesting desire I had in cultivating thesociety of a man who was so near the person of the highest personage inthe realm.
To hear the fellow, you would fancy that there was scarce anyappointment made in which he had not a share. He told me, for instance,of Charles Fox being turned out of his place a day before poor Charleyhimself was aware of the fact. He told me when the Howes were comingback from America, and who was to succeed to the command there. Notto multiply instances, it was upon this person that I fixed my chiefreliance for the advancement of my claim to the Barony of Barryogue andthe Viscounty which I proposed to get.
One of the main causes of expense which this ambition of mine entailedupon me was the fitting out and arming a company of infantry from theCastle Lyndon and Hackton estates in Ireland, which I offered to mygracious Sovereign for the campaign against the American rebels. Thesetroops, superbly equipped and clothed, were embarked at Portsmouth inthe year 1778; and the patriotism of the gentleman who had raised themwas so acceptable at Court, that, on being presented by my Lord North,His Majesty condescended to notice me particularly, and said, 'That'sright, Mr. Lyndon, raise another company; and go with them, too!' Butthis was by no means, as the reader may suppose, to my notions. A manwith thirty thousand pounds per annum is a fool to risk his life like acommon beggar: and on this account I have always admired the conduct ofmy friend Jack Bolter, who had been a most active and resolute cornetof horse, and, as such, engaged in every scrape and skirmish which couldfall to his lot; but just before the battle of Minden he received newsthat his uncle, the great army contractor, was dead, and had left himfive thousand per annum. Jack that instant applied for leave; and, asit was refused him on the eve of a general action, my gentleman took it,and never fired a pistol again: except against an officer who questionedhis courage, and whom he winged in such a cool and determined manner, asshowed all the world that it was from prudence and a desire of enjoyinghis money, not from cowardice, that he quitted the profession of arms.
When this Hackton company was raised, my stepson, who was now sixteenyears of age, was most eager to be allowed to join it, and I would havegladly consented to have been rid of the young man; but his guardian,Lord Tiptoff, who thwarted me in everything, refused his permission, andthe lad's military inclinations were balked. If he could have gone onthe expedition, and a rebel rifle had put an end to him, I believe, totell the truth, I should not have been grieved over-much; and I shouldhave had the pleasure of seeing my other son the heir to the estatewhich his father had won with so much pains.
The education of this young nobleman had been, I confess, some of theloosest; and perhaps the truth is, I DID neglect the brat. He was ofso wild, savage, and insubordinate a nature, that I never had the leastregard for him; and before me and his mother, at least, was so moody anddull, that I thought instruction thrown away upon him, and left him forthe most part to shift for himself. For two whole years he remainedin Ireland away from us; and when in England, we kept him mainly atHackton, never caring to have the uncouth ungainly lad in the genteelcompany in the capital in which we naturally mingled. My own poor boy,on the contrary, was the most polite and engaging child ever seen: itwas a pleasure to treat him with kindness and distinction; and before hewas five years old, the little fellow was the pink of fashion, beauty,and good breeding.
In fact he could not have been otherwise, with the care both his parentsbestowed upon him, and the attentions that were lavished upon him inevery way. When he was four years old, I quarrelled with the Englishnurse who had attended upon him, and about whom my wife had been sojealous, and procured for him a French gouvernante, who had lived withfamilies of the first quality in Paris; and who, of course, must set myLady Lyndon jealous too. Under the care of this young woman my littlerogue learned to chatter French most charmingly. It would have done yourheart good to hear the dear rascal swear Mort de ma vie! and to seehim stamp his little foot, and send the manants and canaille of thedomestics to the trente mille diables. He was precocious in all things:at a very early age he would mimic everybody; at five, he would sit attable, and drink his glass of champagne with the best of us; and hisnurse would teach him little French catches, and the last Parisian songsof Vade and Collard,--pretty songs they were too; and would make suchof his hearers as understood French burst with laughing, and, I promiseyou, scandalise some of the old dowagers who were admitted into thesociety of his mamma: not that there were many of them; for I did notencourage the visits of what you call respectable people to Lady Lyndon.They are sad spoilers of sport,--tale-bearers, envious narrow-mindedpeople; making mischief between man and wife. Whenever any of thesegrave personages in hoops and high heels used to make their appearanceat Hackton, or in Berkeley Square, it was my chief pleasure to frightenthem off; and I would make my little Bryan dance, sing, and play thediable a quatre, and aid him myself, so as to scare the old frumps.
I never shall forget the solemn remonstrances of our old square-toes ofa rector at Hackton, who made one or two vain attempts to teach littleBryan Latin, and with whose innumerable children I sometimes allowed theboy to associate. They learned some of Bryan's French songs from him,which their mother, a poor soul who understood pickles and custards muchbetter than French, used fondly to encourage them in singing; but whichtheir father one day hearing, he sent Miss Sarah to her bedroom andbread and water for a week, and solemnly horsed Master Jacob in thepresence of all his brothers and sisters, and of Bryan, to whom he hopedthat flogging would act as a warning. But my little rogue kicked andplunged at the old parson's shins until he was obliged to get his sextonto hold him down, and swore, corbleu, morbleu, ventrebleu, that hisyoung friend Jacob should not be maltreated. After this scene, hisreverence forbade Bryan the rectory-house; on which I swore that hiseldest son, who was bringing up for the ministry, should never have thesuccession of the living of Hackton, which I had thoughts of bestowingon him; and his father said, with a canting hypocritical air, whichI hate, that Heaven's will must be done; that he would not have hischildren disobedient or corrupted for the sake of a bishopric, and wroteme a pompous and solemn letter, charged with Latin quotations, takingfarewell of me and my house. 'I do so with regret,' added the oldgentleman, 'for I have received so many kindnesses from the Hacktonfamily that it goes to my heart to be disunited from them. My poor, Ifear, may suffer in consequence of my separation from you, and my beinghence-forward unable to bring to your notice instances of distressand affliction; which, when they were known to you, I will do you thejustice to say, your generosity was always prompt to relieve.'
There may have been some truth in this, for the old gentleman wasperpetually pestering me with petitions, and I know for a certainty,from his own charities, was often without a shilling in his pocket;but I suspect the good dinners at Hackton had a considerable share incausing his regrets at the dissolution of our intimacy: and I knowthat his wife was quite sorry to forego the acquaintance of Bryan'sgouvernante, Mademoiselle Louison, who had all the newest Frenchfashions at her fingers' ends, and who never went to the rectory but youwould see the girls of the family turn out in new sacks or mantles theSunday after.
I used to punish the old rebel by snoring very loud in my pew on Sundaysduring sermon-time; and I got a governor presently for Bryan, and achaplain of my own, when he became of age sufficient to be separatedfrom the women's society and guardianship. His English nurse I marriedto my head gardener, with a handsome portion; his French gouvernante Ibestowed upon my faithful German Fritz, not forgetting the dowry in thelatter instance; and they set up a French dining-house in Soho, and Ibelieve at the time I write they are richer in the world's goods thantheir generous and free-handed master.
For Bryan I now got a young gentleman from Oxford, the Rev. EdmundLavender, who was commissioned
to teach him Latin, when the boy wasin the humour, and to ground him in history, grammar, and the otherqualifications of a gentleman. Lavender was a precious addition to oursociety at Hackton. He was the means of making a deal of fun there. Hewas the butt of all our jokes, and bore them with the most admirable andmartyrlike patience. He was one of that sort of men who would rather bekicked by a great man than not be noticed by him; and I have often puthis wig into the fire in the face of the company, when he would laughat the joke as well as any man there. It was a delight to put him ona high-mettled horse, and send him after the hounds,--pale, sweating,calling on us, for Heaven's sake, to stop, and holding on for dear lifeby the mane and the crupper. How it happened that the fellow was neverkilled I know not; but I suppose hanging is the way in which HIS neckwill be broke. He never met with any accident, to speak of, in ourhunting-matches: but you were pretty sure to find him at dinner in hisplace at the bottom of the table making the punch, whence he would becarried off fuddled to bed before the night was over. Many a time haveBryan and I painted his face black on those occasions. We put him intoa haunted room, and frightened his soul out of his body with ghosts; welet loose cargoes of rats upon his bed; we cried fire, and filled hisboots with water; we cut the legs of his preaching-chair, and filled hissermon-book with snuff. Poor Lavender bore it all with patience; andat our parties, or when we came to London, was amply repaid by beingallowed to sit with the gentlefolks, and to fancy himself in the societyof men of fashion. It was good to hear the contempt with which he talkedabout our rector. 'He has a son, sir, who is a servitor: and a servitorat a small college,' he would say. 'How COULD you, my dear sir, think ofgiving the reversion of Hackton to such a low-bred creature?'
I should now speak of my other son, at least my Lady Lyndon's: I meanthe Viscount Bullingdon. I kept him in Ireland for some years, under theguardianship of my mother, whom I had installed at Castle Lyndon; andgreat, I promise you, was her state in that occupation, and prodigiousthe good soul's splendour and haughty bearing. With all her oddities,the Castle Lyndon estate was the best managed of all our possessions;the rents were excellently paid, the charges of getting them in smallerthan they would have been under the management of any steward. It wasastonishing what small expenses the good widow incurred; although shekept up the dignity of the TWO families, as she would say. She had a setof domestics to attend upon the young lord; she never went out herselfbut in an old gilt coach and six; the house was kept clean and tight;the furniture and gardens in the best repair; and, in our occasionalvisits to Ireland, we never found any house we visited in such goodcondition as our own. There were a score of ready serving-lasses,and half as many trim men about the castle; and everything in as finecondition as the best housekeeper could make it. All this she did withscarcely any charges to us: for she fed sheep and cattle in the parks,and made a handsome profit of them at Ballinasloe; she supplied I don'tknow how many towns with butter and bacon; and the fruit and vegetablesfrom the gardens of Castle Lyndon got the highest prices in Dublinmarket. She had no waste in the kitchen, as there used to be in most ofour Irish houses; and there was no consumption of liquor in the cellars,for the old lady drank water, and saw little or no company. All hersociety was a couple of the girls of my ancient flame Nora Brady, nowMrs. Quin; who with her husband had spent almost all their property,and who came to see me once in London, looking very old, fat, andslatternly, with two dirty children at her side. She wept very much whenshe saw me, called me 'Sir,' and 'Mr. Lyndon,' at which I was not sorry,and begged me to help her husband; which I did, getting him, throughmy friend Lord Crabs, a place in the excise in Ireland, and paying thepassage of his family and himself to that country. I found him a dirty,cast-down, snivelling drunkard; and, looking at poor Nora, could not butwonder at the days when I had thought her a divinity. But if ever I havehad a regard for a woman, I remain through life her constant friend,and could mention a thousand such instances of my generous and faithfuldisposition.
Young Bullingdon, however, was almost the only person with whom she wasconcerned that my mother could not keep in order. The accounts she sentme of him at first were such as gave my paternal heart considerablepain. He rejected all regularity and authority. He would absent himselffor weeks from the house on sporting or other expeditions. He was whenat home silent and queer, refusing to make my mother's game at piquet ofevenings, but plunging into all sorts of musty old books, with which hemuddled his brains; more at ease laughing and chatting with thepipers and maids in the servants' hall, than with the gentry in thedrawing-room; always cutting jibes and jokes at Mrs. Barry, at whichshe (who was rather a slow woman at repartee) would chafe violently: infact, leading a life of insubordination and scandal. And, to crownall, the young scapegrace took to frequenting the society of the Romishpriest of the parish--a threadbare rogue, from some Popish seminary inFrance or Spain--rather than the company of the vicar of Castle Lyndon,a gentleman of Trinity, who kept his hounds and drank his two bottles aday.
Regard for the lad's religion made me not hesitate then how I should acttowards him. If I have any principle which has guided me through life,it has been respect for the Establishment, and a hearty scorn andabhorrence of all other forms of belief. I therefore sent my Frenchbody-servant, in the year 17--, to Dublin with a commission to bringthe young reprobate over; and the report brought to me was that hehad passed the whole of the last night of his stay in Ireland with hisPopish friend at the mass-house; that he and my mother had a violentquarrel on the very last day; that, on the contrary, he kissed Biddy andDosy, her two nieces, who seemed very sorry that he should go; and thatbeing pressed to go and visit the rector, he absolutely refused, sayinghe was a wicked old Pharisee, inside whose doors he would never set hisfoot. The doctor wrote me a letter, warning me against the deplorableerrors of this young imp of perdition, as he called him; and I could seethat there was no love lost between them. But it appeared that, if notagreeable to the gentry of the country, young Bullingdon had a hugepopularity among the common people. There was a regular crowd weepinground the gate when his coach took its departure. Scores of the ignorantsavage wretches ran for miles along by the side of the chariot; and somewent even so far as to steal away before his departure, and appearat the Pigeon-House at Dublin to bid him a last farewell. It was withconsiderable difficulty that some of these people could be kept fromsecreting themselves in the vessel, and accompanying their young lord toEngland.
To do the young scoundrel justice, when he came among us, he was amanly noble-looking lad, and everything in his bearing and appearancebetokened the high blood from which he came. He was the very portraitof some of the dark cavaliers of the Lyndon race, whose pictures hungin the gallery at Hackton: where the lad was fond of spending the chiefpart of his time, occupied with the musty old books which he took out ofthe library, and which I hate to see a young man of spirit poring over.Always in my company he preserved the most rigid silence, and a haughtyscornful demeanour; which was so much the more disagreeable becausethere was nothing in his behaviour I could actually take hold of to findfault with: although his whole conduct was insolent and supercilious tothe highest degree. His mother was very much agitated at receiving himon his arrival; if he felt any such agitation he certainly did not showit. He made her a very low and formal bow when he kissed her hand; and,when I held out mine, put both his hands behind his back, stared me fullin the face, and bent his head, saying, 'Mr. Barry Lyndon, I believe;'turned on his heel, and began talking about the state of the weather tohis mother, whom he always styled 'Your Ladyship.' She was angry at thispert bearing, and, when they were alone, rebuked him sharply for notshaking hands with his father.
'My father, madam?' said he; 'surely you mistake. My father was theRight Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon. _I_ at least have not forgottenhim, if others have.' It was a declaration of war to me, as I saw atonce; though I declare I was willing enough to have received the boywell on his coming amongst us, and to have lived with him on terms offriendliness. But as men serve me I serve them. W
ho can blame me for myafter-quarrels with this young reprobate, or lay upon my shouldersthe evils which afterwards befell? Perhaps I lost my temper, and mysubsequent treatment of him WAS hard. But it was he began the quarrel,and not I; and the evil consequences which ensued were entirely of hiscreating.
As it is best to nip vice in the bud, and for a master of a family toexercise his authority in such a manner as that there may be no questionabout it, I took the earliest opportunity of coming to close quarterswith Master Bullingdon; and the day after his arrival among us, uponhis refusal to perform some duty which I requested of him, I had himconveyed to my study, and thrashed him soundly. This process, I confess,at first agitated me a good deal, for I had never laid a whip on a lordbefore; but I got speedily used to the practice, and his back and mywhip became so well acquainted, that I warrant there was very littleCEREMONY between us after a while.
If I were to repeat all the instances of the insubordination and brutalconduct of young Bullingdon, I should weary the reader. His perseverancein resistance was, I think, even greater than mine in correcting him:for a man, be he ever so much resolved to do his duty as a parent, can'tbe flogging his children all day, or for every fault they commit: andthough I got the character of being so cruel a stepfather to him, Ipledge my word I spared him correction when he merited it many moretimes than I administered it. Besides, there were eight clear monthsin the year when he was quit of me, during the time of my presence inLondon, at my place in Parliament, and at the Court of my Sovereign.
At this period I made no difficulty to allow him to profit by theLatin and Greek of the old rector; who had christened him, and had aconsiderable influence over the wayward lad. After a scene or a quarrelbetween us, it was generally to the rectory-house that the young rebelwould fly for refuge and counsel; and I must own that the parson was apretty just umpire between us in our disputes. Once he led the boyback to Hackton by the hand, and actually brought him into my presence,although he had vowed never to enter the doors in my lifetime again, andsaid, 'He had brought his Lordship to acknowledge his error, and submitto any punishment I might think proper to inflict.' Upon which I canedhim in the presence of two or three friends of mine, with whom I wassitting drinking at the time; and to do him justice, he bore a prettysevere punishment without wincing or crying in the least. This willshow that I was not too severe in my treatment of the lad, as I had theauthority of the clergyman himself for inflicting the correction which Ithought proper.
Twice or thrice, Lavender, Bryan's governor, attempted to punish myLord Bullingdon; but I promise you the rogue was too strong for HIM,and levelled the Oxford man to the ground with a chair: greatly to thedelight of little Byran, who cried out, 'Bravo, Bully! thump him, thumphim!' And Bully certainly did, to the governor's heart's content; whonever attempted personal chastisement afterwards; but contented himselfby bringing the tales of his Lordship's misdoings to me, his naturalprotector and guardian.
With the child, Bullingdon was, strange to say, pretty tractable. Hetook a liking for the little fellow,--as, indeed, everybody who saw thatdarling boy did,--liked him the more, he said, because he was 'halfa Lyndon.' And well he might like him, for many a time, at the dearangel's intercession of 'Papa, don't flog Bully to-day!' I have held myhand, and saved him a horsing, which he richly deserved.
With his mother, at first, he would scarcely deign to have anycommunication. He said she was no longer one of the family. Why shouldhe love her, as she had never been a mother to him? But it will givethe reader an idea of the dogged obstinacy and surliness of the lad'scharacter, when I mention one trait regarding him. It has been madea matter of complaint against me, that I denied him the educationbefitting a gentleman, and never sent him to college or to school; butthe fact is, it was of his own choice that he went to neither. Hehad the offer repeatedly from me (who wished to see as little of hisimpudence as possible), but he as repeatedly declined; and, for a longtime, I could not make out what was the charm which kept him in a housewhere he must have been far from comfortable.
It came out, however, at last. There used to be very frequent disputesbetween my Lady Lyndon and myself, in which sometimes she was wrong,sometimes I was; and which, as neither of us had very angelicaltempers, used to run very high. I was often in liquor; and when in thatcondition, what gentleman is master of himself? Perhaps I DID, in thisstate, use my Lady rather roughly; fling a glass or two at her, and callher by a few names that were not complimentary. I may have threatenedher life (which it was obviously my interest not to take), and havefrightened her, in a word, considerably.
After one of these disputes, in which she ran screaming through thegalleries, and I, as tipsy as a lord, came staggering after, it appearsBullingdon was attracted out of his room by the noise; as I came upwith her, the audacious rascal tripped up my heels, which were not verysteady, and catching his fainting mother in his arms, took her into hisown room; where he, upon her entreaty, swore he would never leave thehouse as long as she continued united with me. I knew nothing of thevow, or indeed of the tipsy frolic which was the occasion of it; I wastaken up 'glorious,' as the phrase is, by my servants, and put to bed,and, in the morning, had no more recollection of what had occurred anymore than of what happened when I was a baby at the breast. Lady Lyndontold me of the circumstance years after; and I mention it here, as itenables me to plead honourably 'not guilty' to one of the absurd chargesof cruelty trumped up against me with respect to my stepson. Let mydetractors apologise, if they dare, for the conduct of a gracelessruffian who trips up the heels of his own natural guardian andstepfather after dinner.
This circumstance served to unite mother and son for a little; but theircharacters were too different. I believe she was too fond of me ever toallow him to be sincerely reconciled to her. As he grew up to be a man,his hatred towards me assumed an intensity quite wicked to think of (andwhich I promise you I returned with interest): and it was at the ageof sixteen, I think, that the impudent young hangdog, on my return fromParliament one summer, and on my proposing to cane him as usual, gave meto understand that he would submit to no farther chastisement from me,and said, grinding his teeth, that he would shoot me if I laid hands onhim. I looked at him; he was grown, in fact, to be a tall young man, andI gave up that necessary part of his education.
It was about this time that I raised the company which was to serve inAmerica; and my enemies in the country (and since my victory over theTiptoffs I scarce need say I had many of them) began to propagatethe most shameful reports regarding my conduct to that precious youngscapegrace my stepson, and to insinuate that I actually wished to getrid of him. Thus my loyalty to my Sovereign was actually construed intoa horrid unnatural attempt on my part on Bullingdon's life; and itwas said that I had raised the American corps for the sole purpose ofgetting the young Viscount to command it, and so of getting rid of him.I am not sure that they had not fixed upon the name of the very man inthe company who was ordered to despatch him at the first general action,and the bribe I was to give him for this delicate piece of service.
But the truth is, I was of opinion then (and though the fulfilment ofmy prophecy has been delayed, yet I make no doubt it will be brought topass ere long), that my Lord Bullingdon needed none of MY aid in sendinghim into the other world; but had a happy knack of finding the waythither himself, which he would be sure to pursue. In truth, he beganupon this way early: of all the violent, daring, disobedient scapegracesthat ever caused an affectionate parent pain, he was certainly the mostincorrigible; there was no beating him, or coaxing him, or taming him.
For instance, with my little son, when his governor brought him into theroom as we were over the bottle after dinner, my Lord would begin hisviolent and undutiful sarcasms at me.
'Dear child,' he would say, beginning to caress and fondle him, 'whata pity it is I am not dead for thy sake! The Lyndons would then have aworthier representative, and enjoy all the benefit of the illustriousblood of the Barrys of Barryogue; would they not, Mr. Barry Lyndon?'He always chose t
he days when company, or the clergy or gentry of theneighbourhood, were present, to make these insolent speeches to me.
Another day (it was Bryan's birthday) we were giving a grand balland gala at Hackton, and it was time for my little Bryan to make hisappearance among us, as he usually did in the smartest little court-suityou ever saw (ah me! but it brings tears into my old eyes now to thinkof the bright looks of that darling little face). There was a greatcrowding and tittering when the child came in, led by his half-brother,who walked into the dancing-room (would you believe it?) in hisstocking-feet, leading little Bryan by the hand, paddling about in thegreat shoes of the elder! 'Don't you think he fits my shoes very well,Sir Richard Wargrave?' says the young reprobate: upon which the companybegan to look at each other and to titter; and his mother, coming up toLord Bullingdon with great dignity, seized the child to her breast, andsaid, 'From the manner in which I love this child, my Lord, you oughtto know how I would have loved his elder brother had he proved worthy ofany mother's affection!' and, bursting into tears, Lady Lyndon left theapartment, and the young lord rather discomfited for once.
At last, on one occasion, his behaviour to me was so outrageous (it wasin the hunting-field and in a large public company), that I lost allpatience, rode at the urchin straight, wrenched him out of his saddlewith all my force, and, flinging him roughly to the ground, sprangdown to it myself, and administered such a correction across the youngcaitiff's head and shoulders with my horsewhip as might have ended inhis death, had I not been restrained in time; for my passion was up, andI was in a state to do murder or any other crime. The lad was taken homeand put to bed, where he lay for a day or two in a fever, as much fromrage and vexation as from the chastisement I had given him; and threedays afterwards, on sending to inquire at his chamber whether he wouldjoin the family at table, a note was found on his table, and his bedwas empty and cold. The young villain had fled, and had the audacity towrite in the following terms regarding me to my wife, his mother:--
'Madam,' he said, 'I have borne as long as mortal could endure theill-treatment of the insolent Irish upstart whom you have taken to yourbed. It is not only the lowness of his birth and the general brutalityof his manners which disgust me, and must make me hate him so long as Ihave the honour to bear the name of Lyndon, which he is unworthy of, butthe shameful nature of his conduct towards your Ladyship; his brutaland ungentlemanlike behaviour, his open infidelity, his habits ofextravagance, intoxication, his shameless robberies and swindling of myproperty and yours. It is these insults to you which shock and annoy me,more than the ruffian's infamous conduct to myself. I would have stoodby your Ladyship as I promised, but you seem to have taken latterlyyour husband's part; and, as I cannot personally chastise this low-bredruffian, who, to our shame be it spoken, is the husband of my mother;and as I cannot bear to witness his treatment of you, and loathe hishorrible society as if it were the plague, I am determined to quit mynative country: at least during his detested life, or during my own.I possess a small income from my father, of which I have no doubt Mr.Barry will cheat me if he can; but which, if your Ladyship has somefeelings of a mother left, you will, perhaps, award to me. Messrs.Childs, the bankers, can have orders to pay it to me when due; if theyreceive no such orders, I shall be not in the least surprised, knowingyou to be in the hands of a villain who would not scruple to rob onthe highway; and shall try to find out some way in life for myself morehonourable than that by which the penniless Irish adventurer has arrivedto turn me out of my rights and home.'
This mad epistle was signed 'Bullingdon,' and all the neighbours vowedthat I had been privy to his flight, and would profit by it; though Ideclare on my honour my true and sincere desire, after reading the aboveinfamous letter, was to have the author within a good arm's length ofme, that I might let him know my opinion regarding him. But there was noeradicating this idea from people's minds, who insisted that I wantedto kill Bullingdon; whereas murder, as I have said, was never one of myevil qualities: and even had I wished to injure my young enemy ever somuch, common prudence would have made my mind easy, as I knew he wasgoing to ruin his own way.
It was long before we heard of the fate of the audacious young truant;but after some fifteen months had elapsed, I had the pleasure of beingable to refute some of the murderous calumnies which had been utteredagainst me, by producing a bill with Bullingdon's own signature, drawnfrom General Tarleton's army in America, where my company was conductingitself with the greatest glory, and with which my Lord was serving asa volunteer. There were some of my kind friends who persisted still inattributing all sorts of wicked intentions to me. Lord Tiptoff wouldnever believe that I would pay any bill, much more any bill of LordBullingdon's; old Lady Betty Grimsby, his sister, persisted in declaringthe bill was a forgery, and the poor dear lord dead; until there came aletter to her Ladyship from Lord Bullingdon himself, who had been at NewYork at headquarters, and who described at length the splendid festivalgiven by the officers of the garrison to our distinguished chieftains,the two Howes.
In the meanwhile, if I HAD murdered my Lord, I could scarcely have beenreceived with more shameful obloquy and slander than now followed me intown and country. 'You will hear of the lad's death, be sure,' exclaimedone of my friends. 'And then his wife's will follow,' added another. 'Hewill marry Jenny Jones,' added a third; and so on. Lavender brought methe news of these scandals about me: the country was up against me. Thefarmers on market-days used to touch their hats sulkily, and get out ofmy way; the gentlemen who followed my hunt now suddenly seceded from it,and left off my uniform; at the county ball, where I led out Lady SusanCapermore, and took my place third in the dance after the duke and themarquis, as was my wont, all the couples turned away as we came to them,and we were left to dance alone. Sukey Capermore has a love of dancingwhich would make her dance at a funeral if anybody asked her, and I hadtoo much spirit to give in at this signal instance of insult towards me;so we danced with some of the very commonest low people at the bottom ofthe set--your apothecaries, wine-merchants, attorneys, and such scum asare allowed to attend our public assemblies.
The bishop, my Lady Lyndon's relative, neglected to invite us to thepalace at the assizes; and, in a word, every indignity was put upon mewhich could by possibility be heaped upon an innocent and honourablegentleman.
My reception in London, whither I now carried my wife and family, wasscarcely more cordial. On paying my respects to my Sovereign atSt. James's, His Majesty pointedly asked me when I had news of LordBullingdon. On which I replied, with no ordinary presence of mind, 'Sir,my Lord Bullingdon is fighting the rebels against your Majesty's crownin America. Does your Majesty desire that I should send another regimentto aid him?' On which the King turned on his heel, and I made my bow outof the presence-chamber. When Lady Lyndon kissed the Queen's hand at thedrawing-room, I found that precisely the same question had been put toher Ladyship; and she came home much agitated at the rebuke which hadbeen administered to her. Thus it was that my loyalty was rewarded,and my sacrifice, in favour of my country, viewed! I took away myestablishment abruptly to Paris, where I met with a very differentreception: but my stay amidst the enchanting pleasures of that capitalwas extremely short; for the French Government, which had been longtampering with the American rebels, now openly acknowledged theindependence of the United States. A declaration of war ensued: all wehappy English were ordered away from Paris; and I think I left oneor two fair ladies there inconsolable. It is the only place where agentleman can live as he likes without being incommoded by his wife.The Countess and I, during our stay, scarcely saw each other except uponpublic occasions, at Versailles, or at the Queen's play-table; and ourdear little Bryan advanced in a thousand elegant accomplishments whichrendered him the delight of all who knew him.
I must not forget to mention here my last interview with my gooduncle, the Chevalier de Ballybarry, whom I left at Brussels with strongintentions of making his salut, as the phrase is, and who had gone intoretirement at a convent there. Since then he had come
into the worldagain, much to his annoyance and repentance; having fallen desperatelyin love in his old age with a French actress, who had done, as mostladies of her character do,--ruined him, left him, and laughed at him.His repentance was very edifying. Under the guidance of Messieurs of theIrish College, he once more turned his thoughts towards religion; andhis only prayer to me when I saw him and asked in what I could relievehim, was to pay a handsome fee to the convent into which he proposed toenter.
This I could not, of course, do: my religious principles forbidding meto encourage superstition in any way; and the old gentleman and I partedrather coolly, in consequence of my refusal, as he said, to make his olddays comfortable.
I was very poor at the time, that is the fact; and entre nous, theRosemont of the French Opera, an indifferent dancer, but a charmingfigure and ankle, was ruining me in diamonds, equipages, and furniturebills, added to which I had a run of ill-luck at play, and was forced tomeet my losses by the most shameful sacrifices to the money-lenders, bypawning part of Lady Lyndon's diamonds (that graceless little Rosemontwheedled me out of some of them), and by a thousand other schemes forraising money. But when Honour is in the case, was I ever found backwardat her call: and what man can say that Barry Lyndon lost a bet which hedid not pay?
As for my ambitious hopes regarding the Irish peerage, I began, on myreturn, to find out that I had been led wildly astray by that rascalLord Crabs; who liked to take my money, but had no more influence to getme a coronet than to procure for me the Pope's tiara. The Sovereign wasnot a whit more gracious to me on returning from the Continent than hehad been before my departure; and I had it from one of the aides-de-campof the Royal Dukes his brothers, that my conduct and amusements at Parishad been odiously misrepresented by some spies there, and had formedthe subject of Royal comment; and that the King had, influenced by thesecalumnies, actually said I was the most disreputable man in the threekingdoms. I disreputable! I a dishonour to my name and country! WhenI heard these falsehoods, I was in such a rage that I went off to LordNorth at once to remonstrate with the Minister; to insist upon beingallowed to appear before His Majesty and clear myself of the imputationsagainst me, to point out my services to the Government in voting withthem, and to ask when the reward that had been promised to me--viz., thetitle held by my ancestors--was again to be revived in my person?
There was a sleepy coolness in that fat Lord North which was the mostprovoking thing that the Opposition had ever to encounter from him.He heard me with half-shut eyes. When I had finished a long violentspeech--which I made striding about his room in Downing Street, andgesticulating with all the energy of an Irishman--he opened one eye,smiled, and asked me gently if I had done. On my replying in theaffirmative, he said, 'Well, Mr. Barry, I'll answer you, point by point.The King is exceedingly averse to make peers, as you know. Your claims,as you call them, HAVE been laid before him, and His Majesty's graciousreply was, that you were the most impudent man in his dominions, andmerited a halter rather than a coronet. As for withdrawing your supportfrom us, you are perfectly welcome to carry yourself and your votewhithersoever you please. And now, as I have a great deal of occupation,perhaps you will do me the favour to retire.' So saying, he raised hishand lazily to the bell, and bowed me out; asking blandly if there wasany other thing in the world in which he could oblige me.
I went home in a fury which can't be described; and having Lord Crabs todinner that day, assailed his Lordship by pulling his wig off his head,and smothering it in his face, and by attacking him in that part of theperson where, according to report, he had been formerly assaulted byMajesty. The whole story was over the town the next day, and picturesof me were hanging in the clubs and print-shops performing the operationalluded to. All the town laughed at the picture of the lord and theIrishman, and, I need not say, recognised both. As for me, I was one ofthe most celebrated characters in London in those days: my dress, style,and equipage being as well known as those of any leader of the fashion;and my popularity, if not great in the highest quarters, was at leastconsiderable elsewhere. The people cheered me in the Gordon rows, atthe time they nearly killed my friend Jemmy Twitcher and burned LordMansfield's house down. Indeed, I was known as a staunch Protestant, andafter my quarrel with Lord North veered right round to the Opposition,and vexed him with all the means in my power.
These were not, unluckily, very great, for I was a bad speaker, and theHouse would not listen to me, and presently, in 1780, after the Gordondisturbance, was dissolved, when a general election took place. It cameon me, as all my mishaps were in the habit of coming, at a most unluckytime. I was obliged to raise more money, at most ruinous rates, to facethe confounded election, and had the Tiptoffs against me in the fieldmore active and virulent than ever.
My blood boils even now when I think of the rascally conduct of myenemies in that scoundrelly election. I was held up as the IrishBluebeard, and libels of me were printed, and gross caricatures drawnrepresenting me flogging Lady Lyndon, whipping Lord Bullingdon, turninghim out of doors in a storm, and I know not what. There were pictures ofa pauper cabin in Ireland, from which it was pretended I came; others inwhich I was represented as a lacquey and shoeblack. A flood of calumnywas let loose upon me, in which any man of less spirit would have gonedown.
But though I met my accusers boldly, though I lavished sums of money inthe election, though I flung open Hackton Hall and kept champagne andBurgundy running there, and at all my inns in the town, as commonly aswater, the election went against me. The rascally gentry had all turnedupon me and joined the Tiptoff faction: it was even represented thatI held my wife by force; and though I sent her into the town alone,wearing my colours, with Bryan in her lap, and made her visit themayor's lady and the chief women there, nothing would persuade thepeople but that she lived in fear and trembling of me; and the brutalmob had the insolence to ask her why she dared to go back, and how sheliked horsewhip for supper.
I was thrown out of my election, and all the bills came down upon metogether--all the bills I had been contracting during the years of mymarriage, which the creditors, with a rascally unanimity, sent in untilthey lay upon my table in heaps. I won't cite their amount: it wasfrightful. My stewards and lawyers made matters worse. I was bound upin an inextricable toil of bills and debts, of mortgages and insurances,and all the horrible evils attendant upon them. Lawyers upon lawyersposted down from London; composition after composition was made, andLady Lyndon's income hampered almost irretrievably to satisfy thesecormorants. To do her justice, she behaved with tolerable kindness atthis season of trouble; for whenever I wanted money I had to coaxher, and whenever I coaxed her I was sure of bringing this weak andlight-minded woman to good-humour: who was of such a weak terrifiednature, that to secure an easy week with me she would sign away athousand a year. And when my troubles began at Hackton, and I determinedon the only chance left, viz. to retire to Ireland and retrench,assigning over the best part of my income to the creditors until theirdemands were met, my Lady was quite cheerful at the idea of going, andsaid, if we would be quiet, she had no doubt all would be well; indeed,was glad to undergo the comparative poverty in which we must now livefor the sake of the retirement and the chance of domestic quiet whichshe hoped to enjoy.
We went off to Bristol pretty suddenly, leaving the odious andungrateful wretches at Hackton to vilify us, no doubt, in our absence.My stud and hounds were sold off immediately; the harpies would havebeen glad to pounce upon my person; but that was out of their power.I had raised, by cleverness and management, to the full as much on mymines and private estates as they were worth; so the scoundrels weredisappointed in THIS instance; and as for the plate and property in theLondon house, they could not touch that, as it was the property of theheirs of the house of Lyndon.
I passed over to Ireland, then, and took up my abode at Castle Lyndonfor a while; all the world imagining that I was an utterly ruined man,and that the famous and dashing Barry Lyndon would never again appear inthe circles of which he had been an ornament. But it was
not so. In themidst of my perplexities, Fortune reserved a great consolation for mestill. Despatches came home from America announcing Lord Cornwallis'sdefeat of General Gates in Carolina, and the death of Lord Bullingdon,who was present as a volunteer.
For my own desires to possess a paltry Irish title I cared little. Myson was now heir to an English earldom, and I made him assume forthwiththe title of Lord Viscount Castle Lyndon, the third of the familytitles. My mother went almost mad with joy at saluting her grandson as'my Lord,' and I felt that all my sufferings and privations were repaidby seeing this darling child advanced to such a post of honour.