They spent a quiet evening working on opposite sides of the fireplace. Rainey organized her production schedule while Kenzie wrote. Occasionally his blue felt-tipped pen raced across page after page. More often there were long silences while he stared into the flames, or petted whichever kitten had settled, or rose to put wood on the fire. His profile was like granite and he never spoke ... but he kept writing.
When she finished her planning, she reluctantly picked up another yellow tablet to start her own journal. Where did one begin? She gnawed on the end of her pen. Chronological? Free association? Whatever issue bubbled to the surface?
She set pen to paper, and found herself writing.
∗ ∗ ∗
As a child in my mother's house, I always felt as if I was raising myself, despite the nannies and housekeepers and hangers-on. Like Clementine, they came and went, though at least Clementine always came back, eventually.
Lolly was my favorite nanny. She promised me a special fifth birthday party with clowns and balloons. A week before, she and Clementine had a big fight and Lolly was fired. I ran crying into her room as she packed. She was crying, too, but she didn't stop packing. She gave me a hug, told me to be a good girl, and left. No birthday party that year. Clementine flew off to sing at a big concert in Central Park. She brought me back a wonderful music box with a twirling ballerina on top, but on my actual birthday, she didn't even call.
∗ ∗ ∗
Rainey stopped writing, paralyzed by a wave of desolation. For an instant, she was five years old again, weeping alone in her bed because no one cared that it was her birthday. She might have cried now if Kenzie hadn't been sprawled on the sofa, writing down experiences that had to be a hundred times worse than a forgotten birthday.
∗ ∗ ∗
No wonder I felt I was raising myself. No one else could be relied on. I've never fully trusted anyone, have I? Well, maybe my friends like Val and Kate and Rachel and Laurel. Those are relationships of equals. But I didn't trust Clementine, or my grandparents, or Kenzie. Anyone who might be assumed to have some emotional responsibility for me.
∗ ∗ ∗
She gnawed at the end of her pen, thinking, before she continued.
∗ ∗ ∗
I didn't trust them because I was sure they couldn't be trusted. Trust makes you vulnerable, so don't trust.
Yet without vulnerability, there can be no true intimacy. Being untrusting didn't mean that I escaped being hurt, but it sure guaranteed that I'd never develop a really deep relationship. The classic example is the way I expected the marriage not to last. A self-fulfilling prophecy.
∗ ∗ ∗
She smiled wryly.
∗ ∗ ∗
Must work on this.
∗ ∗ ∗
The fact that she could smile was a sign that Tom was right: The act of writing helped create a sense of distance and control. She was no longer a desolate five-year-old, but a grown woman looking back on her five-year-old self with compassion.
∗ ∗ ∗
Despite Clementine's failings as a mother and the anger I've felt toward her, I loved her desperately. Sometimes she was so very much there. Loving, playful, beautiful. So driven by her talents and demons. Rest in peace, Mama. I know that you did your best. It's not surprising that you couldn't run my life well, when you couldn't even run your own.
∗ ∗ ∗
Blinking back more tears, she stroked Honeybunny's tummy. Pets were definitely therapeutic.
She was on the verge of quitting for the night when Kenzie rose and crossed to the fireplace. Drawing the screen open, he knelt and began feeding pages to the flames, one at a time, his expression unreadable. Tearing the pages from her tablet, she joined him.
"Ritual magic," he said. "It seems to work, too."
"Thank you, Brother Tom." She laid her journal pages on the fire at a ratio of one of hers to three or four of Kenzie's so that they finished about the same time. As the yellow sheets curled and blackened before exploding into flame, she felt a surprising lightness of being. She rose, suppressing a yawn, feeling that part of her life had been purified by fire.
Kenzie pulled the glass doors shut so the fire could burn out safely, then followed her down the hall. She turned to say good-night, one hand on the knob of her door, then paused, startled by his rigid posture as he watched her. As clearly as if the thoughts were her own, she sensed that he wanted to be with her, but wasn't sure he was ready for a greater level of intimacy.
The relaxed mood vanished. She wanted to be with him so much it hurt, but she'd be a fool to ask too much, too soon.
Wordlessly she extended one hand.
A muscle in his jaw jumped as his gaze locked on her hand, but he didn't move to take it. Softly she said, "Only to sleep. Nothing more unless it's what you want." She smiled a little. "I'll even wear the most decent nightgown I own."
Movements jerky, he clasped her hand. His fingers were cold. "I can't promise that I won't freak out again."
"I understand." She lifted their joined hands and pressed them to her cheek. "Thank you for daring to try."
Side by side, they entered her bedroom to risk the night.
He awoke rested. A miracle. Or rather, the effect of having Rainey burrowed against him, her head on his arm and her bright hair a silky cascade. It was early, the sky not yet fully light and the air in the bedroom chilly, but under the quilt was all the warmth a man could ever ask.
Though she'd kept her promise and wore a cream-colored, lace-trimmed nightgown, the fabric didn't disguise her desirability. In fact, the gown made the curves of breasts and hip more tantalizing, riper than a few weeks earlier, when she'd been working herself to the bone in England. Now she was relaxed and sweetly provocative.
Arousal was instantly accompanied by stabbing images of sexual violation. He closed his eyes and held himself absolutely still, fighting to control his frantic reaction.
Rainey's hand skimmed down his body, familiar, deft, fully and delicately female. "Don't think anything else, Kenzie," she said quietly as his pulse accelerated. "Only us. Only now."
With absolute certainty, he recognized that reclaiming his sexuality would never get easier than this moment. The more he obsessed and worried, the more difficult physical intimacy would become. When her hand slid inside the shorts he'd worn to bed, he surrendered to passion, and learned that concentrating on the moment pushed the horrors of the past to the edges of his consciousness.
All his attention was on his wife. Her eyes, misty gray in the morning light before they drifted shut. The luscious softness of her skin as he pulled the nightgown over her head to reveal her dearly loved body. The beat of her blood under his lips as he kissed her throat, her breasts, the tender curve of her waist. Her rapturous sigh as he entered her, every muscle straining for control so he could make this joining as wondrous for her as it was for him.
When she cried out, he let himself dissolve into searing release. This was how lovemaking was meant to be. A passionate joining, a bond of mist, an annihilation of self beyond the shadows. With my body, I thee worship...
It was full light when Rainey woke again. She wanted to laugh out loud, except that might wake Kenzie up. Emotional healing was a patchwork process, but based on the way he'd made love, he was well on his way to unraveling the emotional knots that had kept him at a distance since they'd left England.
Her well-being diminished as her stomach began to churn. She fought the nausea, but it increased with violent speed. Hell! She slipped from the bed, praying Kenzie wouldn't wake, and darted into the bathroom. She barely made it in time. After vomiting into the toilet, she curled into a miserable ball, her cheek pressed against cold porcelain.
Kenzie was so quiet that she didn't know he was there until he wrapped a warm robe around her shivering body. His, apparently, since it was huge on her. "What's wrong, Rainey?"
Panicked, she pulled the voluminous fabric close. "A touch of food poisoning, I think. Or the spareribs were too s
picy. I shouldn't have eaten so many." She tried to stand, then doubled over dizzily, retching again.
When there was nothing left to throw up, he put a glass of water in her hand. She rinsed her mouth and felt better, though not so good that she was ready to leave the bathroom yet.
Clad in jeans and nothing else, Kenzie sat on his heels, one arm around her shoulders. In a carefully neutral voice, he said, "This has all the elements of a cliche."
Her first instinct was to lie, but that would be a temporary reprieve at best, assuming he even believed her. "I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant," she said wearily.
As she expected, he went rigid. Near hysteria, she blurted out, "Don't worry, it isn't yours. I was having nooners with one of the crew guys in England, and it's his."
The arm around her shoulders was trembling. "You're a poor liar, Rainey. Even assuming you wanted to sleep with two men at the same time, you didn't have the time or the energy to be carrying on another affair."
She began to weep uncontrollably. "I'm so damned sorry, Kenzie. It was an accident--I was so crazy busy that I missed a pill." She'd thought missing a pill was no big deal, until she'd researched the subject as her suspicions of pregnancy grew. It turned out that the directions for her low-dosage pills warned that a single missed day meant using another form of protection for the next seven days. And she hadn't. "I never would have gotten pregnant deliberately, but don't worry, you needn't have anything to do with this baby. I'll deny that you're the father and raise it myself."
He swore under his breath, but kept his arm around her. "Do you think I'll abandon my child like my father abandoned me? Or your father abandoned you? I ... I don't know anything about being a parent, but if you think I'll walk away because you're pregnant, your common sense has been scrambled by hormones."
She gulped for breath. "Your sense of responsibility does you credit, but you said yourself that the thought of having a child was painful beyond description. Sticking around from duty won't benefit either the baby or me."
He began massaging her back, his large hand rubbing around her neck and between her shoulder blades. "You're right, the idea of having children terrifies me. I should have had a vasectomy, but doctors, especially those with knives, also terrify me. The price of cowardice is that I have to take responsibility for the consequences."
"Me wanting kids and you horrified by the idea is a really basic difference, and not likely to change." She'd thought enough about this so that she was clear on what was right. It was just her stupid hormones that were making her want to collapse into his arms and hold onto him at any price. "Why put ourselves through more torture until we get to the place where we have to admit that staying together for the sake of the child isn't working? You are what you are, and I am what I am, and ne'er the twain shall meet. Your turn to file for the divorce."
He slid his arms under her and pulled her onto his lap, leaning back against the wall as he cradled her. "A lot has changed in the last few months, including a rearrangement of my brain. The one thing that hasn't changed is that I like being married to you, Rainey. I like it a lot." He rested one hand on her belly. "We made this baby together, and unless you've changed your mind, you also want to stay married. Your desire to avoid trapping me is admirable, but how can we not at least try to do this right?"
She rested her head on his shoulder tiredly. "Maybe it's my lifetime theme song playing here: 'I don't trust you to stay, so I might as well push you out the door now.'"
"Could be. Lord knows we both still have issues to sort out, but at least we have a pretty good idea of what they are, and now we have another incentive to get it right." He kissed her brow. "Oddly enough, I'm terrified, but ... not sorry. Now I can stop being noble and just be with you, which is what I've wanted all along. Not a bad compensation for terror."
She gave a shaky laugh. "That's kind of romantic, actually."
He got to his feet while holding her, a tribute to the fitness advantages of chopping wood and building labyrinths. "I'll try to be more romantic when you aren't on the verge of being sick. Is it a deal then? We're married, we're staying married, and we'll both do our damnedest to raise this child better than we were raised."
She caught his gaze. "If we're going to give marriage and parenthood our best shot, we can't spend so much time apart, Kenzie. Separation hurts too much."
"Agreed." His mouth twisted. "One reason I was always working was to stay to busy to think. No more of that in the future, I promise."
"Then it's a deal." She put her arms around her neck and kissed him. "I love you, Kenzie. Always have. Always will."
He smiled down at her, weary but tranquil. "I must love you, too, Rainbow, because no one else can tie me in knots the way you do."
As a declaration of love it needed work, she thought as he carried her off to the kitchen to find something she could stand to eat. But not bad for a first time. Not bad at all.
* * *
CHAPTER 40
There was nothing like recommitting to one's marriage to settle life down. For the first time ever, Rainey felt that she and Kenzie were truly moving in tandem. She loved it when she had time to think, which wasn't often. Most of her waking hours were spent editing like crazy.
While she worked, Kenzie took care of general life. He'd come out of his shell enough to leave Cibola to buy food and supplies, and haul her off to the nearest obstetrician for checkups and vitamins. He no longer minded business calls from his manager and assistant. Compared to his mood when they'd first returned to New Mexico, he was calm and in control.
Nonetheless, in spare moments she worried a little, suspecting that he was suffering low-grade depression--which would make sense, given that he spent his evenings writing down his childhood memories and burning the results. Journaling was every bit as difficult as Tom Corsi had said it would be. She just hoped that when he finished processing his past, he'd lighten up again.
She worked on her journal as well, but less productively, since she had a tendency to fall asleep by the time she got to it. Editing, gestating, and journaling were too much to do all at once. She promised herself, and Kenzie, that she'd work harder once The Centurion was finished.
Alma Grady proved to be as reliable a resource for impending motherhood as she was for cooking, gardening, and New Mexico. From the gleam in her dark eyes, the baby was going to become an honorary Grady grandchild about ten seconds after it was born.
The dedicated skills of Eva Yanez, the sound editors, and other postproduction specialists meant The Centurion was almost finished in record time. With the deadline only a week away, she appealed to Kenzie over dinner. "Can you stand to watch the movie? Mostly it's done, but something about the pacing isn't quite right, and Eva and Marcus and I can't figure out what. Maybe you can."
His face tightened, but he nodded. "I suppose I'll have to see The Centurion sooner or later, so it might as well be now."
Hoping the movie wouldn't trigger more emotional upheavals, she led the way into her workroom, turned off the lights, and began to run the current cut on her giant computer monitor. The opening credits rolled over the scene of Sarah darting across the green gardens of her home with Randall in pursuit so he could propose to her. "The look is lush and very English, but the resolution isn't great," Kenzie observed. "Is that a limitation of the computer monitor?"
"Yes. Marcus has promised to fly out here with a film version when we think we've got the final cut." She made a face. "I'm hoping that film won't show me a zillion bad things that pixels disguised."
"Eva wouldn't let that happen."
They both fell silent as the movie continued. Rainey, who'd watched till she was sick of it and no longer knew if it was any good, kept one eye on Kenzie. His face was unreadable, but he occasionally jotted a note on the tablet he'd brought along.
The movie ended with Sarah and Randall setting sail for Australia. As they stood side by side on the deck of the ship, her wistful regret showed how much she was giving up for the sake of h
er marriage. Then her husband took her arm, and she turned toward him with a smile that proved that Sarah Randall believed she'd gained far more than she'd lost. The last image of the movie showed the ship sailing into the sun.
"What did you think?" Nervous as a cat on a hot griddle, Rainey asked Kenzie as he turned on the lights, "I don't expect you to like it, but in your professional judgment, is it at least okay?"
He smiled at her as if she were a toddler impatient for Christmas presents. "It's a lot more than okay, Rainey. You really are a born director. Amazingly enough, I even like it." He frowned. "It was hell to make this movie, as you know, and that was in my mind as I watched. But seeing the finished product on a screen is rather like journaling--it puts the experience at a safer distance. Now I can look at The Centurion and see John Randall, not me."
She exhaled with relief. "Thank God for that. I think it's the best performance you've ever given. I promised you a shot at an Oscar, and here it is."
He shrugged. "An Oscar means less to me than it used to, but this movie will certainly open doors for you. It's going to do solid box office, and there's a chance it will be one of those surprise hits that exceed everyone's expectations."
"You think it's cut right?"
"I didn't say that." He glanced down at his notes. "I think you've cut it a little too tightly. You've got a lot of wonderful, powerful moments. Too many--the viewer needs time to recover in several places. Here's a list of the spots where I thought you could add a little more time. I know the footage was shot, so it shouldn't be difficult if you agree."
She scanned his carefully printed notes, nodding as she saw which scenes he'd flagged and the suggestions he'd made for augmenting them. "I think you've hit it, Kenzie. Damn, you're good."
He put an arm around her shoulders. "If you're not too tired, I'll prove it later."