Maybe I was having a panic attack. With shaking hands, I opened my door and went inside. I sunk down on my bed before reaching over to my desk to grab my computer. A glutton for punishment, I logged into the site this time from my laptop and looked again. There were all kind of pictures, fortunately not of me, but I’d have to be on alert for people taking photos with their phones. I shuddered. The SPiI house was a favorite on the message boards and doing a quick search of the guys’ names elicited a lot of pictures of them.
Starting as freshman. They’d really changed. There was a time when Banyan had blue hair. Maybe it had been a pledge thing since they were freshmen at the time. Maven used to smoke cigarettes, at least when he was drinking. I was glad for his health he wasn’t doing that anymore. Chance had gained muscle. He was still lean and thin, but he’d been scrawny at eighteen.
And, oh, the women.
Girl. After girl. After girl. Each one prettier than the last.
What were they doing with me? No, I couldn’t think like that. They wanted my friendship above everything else and whatever this was, Chance, at least, wasn’t anxious for it to end. Maven and Banyan seemed pretty content, too. I rubbed at my eyes and closed the lid to my laptop.
I had to get control of myself. Why was I so freaked out? I grabbed a book. I’d read this away. That’s what I’d do. What book?
The door swung open and Molly came in. “My econ professor is a sadist. That’s all there is to it.” She stared at me. “What’s wrong?” Molly dropped her bag and sat down next to me. “Giovanna?” She hugged me. “What happened? Did Banyan do something?”
I snorted. “No. He didn’t. Molly, everyone is talking about me.”
“What? Oh, do you mean on that stupid site? Yes, I heard about that. Whatever. They used to talk about me, too. They don’t like when they date outside the Greek system. Drives them crazy. Like pledging a house gives them exclusive rights to the guys who go Greek. I mean some of the girls are okay. Some of the sororities are really nice. But, man. I know they’re saying you’re sleeping with all of them. Whatever. They’ll get over themselves.”
It was time to fess up. I needed to talk this out, and if Molly was in this mood, she seemed more like my old friend than the weirdness of late. “I am sleeping with all of them. Maven. Banyan. Chance. It’s a friends with benefits thing. We all agreed to it.”
Her mouth fell open. “Oh. Wow. Okay. Well, good for you.”
I laughed. “Good for me?”
“Yes, I mean. Why not? Those are really good looking guys.”
They were a lot more than just that. How hot they were interested me the least about them these days. “They’re my very good friends. I just feel sort of violated that so many people are talking about me. I’ve never had this happen before and the guys didn’t tell me. This has been happening for hours.”
Molly shrugged. “On this campus, the Greeks are like celebrities. Everyone talks about them. They’re probably not focused on it at all unless someone brings it up to them and even then they’ll shrug it off. Every girl Maven sleeps with ends up on that board. I was on there when I first hooked up with R.J. I mean, you can’t be friending with benefiting thing-y forever. At some point, you’ll all move on and the crowds will forget you ever existed.”
The second part of that was what I preferred. The first part was a little too close to the conversation I kept having with Chance.
All good things did come to an end, didn’t they?
Chapter 7
I must have fallen asleep when Molly left. She was going to see R.J. but she promised we’d have lunch the next day. I wanted that so much. Whatever had gone wrong with our friendship, it had to be repairable. I was also supposed to see Felicia and some of the other girls. Not one of them had mentioned the website or what people were saying to me. Maybe they didn’t know or maybe they didn’t care.
In any case, I was going to hold onto that normalcy as long as I could.
I woke up stiff with all the lights on in my room. It was the middle of the night. I went from tired to instantly alert. I felt like I had just run a mile. I practically fell off the bed getting to my desk. All I could think about was that black dress at work.
Screw the website and whatever was being said of me. I didn’t want to think about me anymore. I wanted to spend time with her. The problem was I didn’t know who she was yet. But I was only going to work it out on the page. School or no-school, deadline or no-deadlines, I was going to write. It was like I didn’t have any other choice.
I sat back in my chair four hours later. I’d written twenty thousand words. Was that a lot? I didn’t know. How much did writers produce in one sitting? I rubbed at my eyes. That was… intense. I shook my head. No, I couldn’t start thinking of myself as some kind of author. I wasn’t that. I was a ridiculous college student who had just stayed up most of the night doing something completely pointless that would never amount to anything.
Now, I was exhausted and I wasn’t going to be fresh to get through my miserable classes I was already struggling through the first week of school because I wasn’t very smart.
No. I took a deep breath. I knew better than that. I was perfectly intelligent. I just had to stop doing this to myself.
My phone blinked in the corner. I pushed my chair back and walked over to it. All three guys had been texting me. Around bedtime they’d all started to wonder where I was. They were right, things had gotten busy. This was our first night not sleeping together since we’d met.
It was eight in the morning and there was no way they were awake, but I didn’t want them to get up and not see a message from me.
Hey guys. Got a little upset last night. Not your fault but it looks like I’m quite the topic of conversation right now. Threw me off a little bit. Fell asleep. Woke up. Worked on some stuff. All well. Have a great day.
I needed to exercise and shower, then get my butt in gear to get to class, work, and studying. My laptop caught my attention. I was going to have to make time for that, too. Twenty thousand words…
Maybe Maven had been right. Maybe I needed to tell stories. I certainly felt more energized than I had in a long time. Now, if only I could get my parents’ expectations out of my mind I might actually start to feel great about myself.
Maybe being the key word…
“So, how was your night?” Kay placed a bottle down in front of me on the counter, catching my attention. I’d been getting my job done but daydreaming at the same time. We’d had a rush on the clothes that had just come in, but the dress I’d written about was still there. I couldn’t afford it or fit in it, but I wanted it to stay there until I finished my story. That was so wrong. Kay and Connie needed to make a living. All of their inventory needed to move.
Besides, my main character wasn’t wearing the dress anymore.
I shouldn’t need to see it anymore. Did authors do that? Hold onto whatever prompted the story to begin with?
Kay was waiting on me. I smiled, which probably looked more like a grimace. “I’m sorry. I daydream. My mind doesn’t work like other people’s do. I get my work done while I do it. I… I’m better with the boxes and the stocking than the customers. I… Sorry.”
She waved her hand. “Whose mind works the way it’s supposed to?” She leaned forward. “Look what I brought you.”
I glanced down at the jar in front of me. “Is that… hair dye?”
“Yes.” She nodded at me. “Have you ever considered being a blonde?”
I had not. “No, actually.” I looked down at my long hair. It was red but not special. “I never considered dying it. Do you not like my hair?”
It was long, kind of frizzy sometimes, and even though sometimes people remarked on the color, I never had the sense that there was anything really special about it.
She touched my hand. “I don’t dislike it. You’re adorable. I just think you could use a little lift right now. Am I right? Long day yesterday?”
“Kay.” Connie came out of
the back. “I told you not to give her that dye. Ignore her. You don’t need to change your looks, Giovanna. You’re adorable. Can you help me back here?”
I jumped up. “Sure.”
Still, as the afternoon wore on I wondered about the bottle that now sat below the cash register, taunting me every time I walked by. But even worse than that was the need to write. Why was this so complicated? Not to mention the pain I had in my stomach every time a random thought about Maven, Chance, or Banyan floated into my consciousness. Kay was right. Yesterday had been a long day.
“Kay,” I called out to her. We were about to close. “I don’t know how to dye my hair. Is it easy?”
She grinned at me. “I’ll do it for you.”
Connie groaned, shaking her head at me. “You opened this door. By the time she’s done with you you’re going to look like a whole new person.”
Maybe I’d look so different the website people wouldn’t recognize me to write about me anymore.
I stared at myself in the mirror, hardly reconciling the girl I saw with the one I had been before. Kay had been right. I did look good as a blonde. Surprisingly good. I’d had a moment to worry that my skin might be too pink to pull off the blonde but if anything it seemed to make me look less rosy. I shook my head.
I’d never really understood why some women had their hair done to feel better, but there it was. Of course I could be a total idiot and get laughed at for this. I sighed. Why was everything complicated in my head all the time?
I walked back out into the store, nearly colliding with Connie. She lifted her brows. “Okay, my sister was right. This look works for you.”
I grinned. The first person to see it liked it. I supposed I should be the kind of woman who didn’t care or need others’ approval. Maybe I should make that my goal. Don’t care what others think… So far, I was obviously not there. I’d write it down somewhere. Be totally sure of myself by the time I’m twenty-one…
“Thanks. I… I sort of just went for it, didn’t I?” I still couldn’t believe I’d done it. But then I was doing that a lot lately. I decided to go away with three guys I’d just met. I threw myself into agreeing to a no-strings sexual relationship. It was like I was becoming an all-new Giovanna Amsel. And maybe that was the point.
I blinked. Wow. I’d had a moment. One second I hadn’t understood what my own motivations were and the next I sort of did. Could it be that easy? Didn’t I have to obsess?
Well, not to worry. It seemed I was doing that anyway. What would I do if I didn’t? I had fortunately made my way out of the store by the time I officially made myself laugh. Doing it in my own head was one thing, out loud for others to hear was entirely different. Had I been rude to Connie? I may have just walked out.
Maybe it was the dim lighting in the place or maybe I just needed more sleep to get my head on straight.
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe…
“Giovanna?” Maven leaned against his car, wearing his long black coat. “Is that you?”
I hadn’t expected to be picked up. Chance was super busy and the others didn’t seem to have the same issue with me walking that Chance did. Of course, he’d lost his mother in a slip and fall. But here was Maven.
“Hi.” I raised my hand in a wave. “Have you been waiting?” I’d been inside an extra hour going through the hair dying process and blowing it dry. Maybe over an hour.
He walked toward me, fast. “What did you do?”
Well, that wasn’t the same reaction as Connie. “I dyed it blonde.” I tried to smile.
“It’s… beautiful. I mean, you’re always beautiful. Beautiful with the red hair and beautiful with the blonde now. Um, why did you do this? Just all of a sudden? This is the longest I haven’t heard from you since we met, library, and then you did this thing. Are you okay?”
Maven didn’t usually burst out with speeches like this. Had my hair made him nervous? “I’m not okay. I don’t lie to you and I’m not going to. No, I’m not. But I’m determined to get past this.”
A gust of cold air hit us, and I shivered. The creepy feeling I kept getting traveled up my neck. Then again, it turned out there were lots of people watching me. I might actually be right.
Maven stroked my back. “I never saw that stupid thing. I don’t let any of the brothers participate in that crappy website. That’s a Pie created thing. It got way out of control. Was supposed to be a joke and now it’s a nightmare.”
I didn’t really care where it had come from. The history of it was of no interest to me. “They’re sure invested in who you are sleeping with. It’s okay. I mean, Molly says that they’ll get over it when you’re sleeping with someone else.”
He jolted. “Right. But I don’t have any intention of doing that, just now. We should have been more careful. It was just that… we all really like you and I wasn’t willing in any capacity to pretend that this wasn’t happening or hide you like some dirty little secret.”
When he put it like that, it was actually kind of sweet. “I guess there’s nothing to be done about it. I figure I’ll put my head down and stay out of the way. Someone will do something else to get everyone’s attention and they’ll move on. I mean, the campus is burning down. Who you, Banyan, and Chance are fucking should be way down on the list.”
He winced. “Giovanna, that’s not… I mean it is but… I’m not doing this well. Can we get out of here?”
“Good idea. The last thing we need is more people taking pictures of us.”
Maven groaned. “That’s not what I meant, either. Fuck me. Okay. Come on.” He took my hand and brought me back to the car. “I hate this. I mean, I really do.”
What did he hate? “My hair?”
Maven shook his head before he got in the car. “No, I like your hair. I… I think you look hot. Kind of like Marilyn Monroe meets Giovanna. It’s sexy. But then you’d be like an erotic dream with any hair color. No, I mean I hate that this stupid website and people’s gossip has gotten in your head.”
I leaned my head against the back of the seat while he drove off. “Look, I dyed my hair. It was fun. I’m a little off right now. That’s all.”
Maven jerked the car off the road, going down a street I’d never been down before. “Where are we going?” I’d assumed we were heading back to school.
We came to a stop at the end of the road. There was a field ahead of us with a river running through it. “I found this place one night when I had to get away.”
I hadn’t known there was anywhere so pastoral near to school. Denberg College was pretty suburban. “Wow.”
The sun was setting low over the pasture. Maven put his hand on the steering wheel. “You trust me, right? This isn’t weird. I realize I did this without your consent. I’ll drive right back if it’s creepy.”
“I think at this point you can assume I trust you.”
He lifted his head. “Giovanna, I…” I didn’t know what he was going to say because the next second his mouth was on mine. “Don’t go anywhere. Not anywhere.”
His voice had gone husky. It was sexy and this was Maven. I knew his kind soul that he kept hidden under cynicism. “I should never have told you about the postings. You’re going to internalize this.”
I wasn’t the only one this had happened to. Maven had made a personal choice to avoid that website, and I’d dragged him back into it. This was violating, to all of us.
“No, you should have.” He kissed me again. “You should tell me everything you think and feel. I want to… swim in your thoughts.”
I laughed. “No you really don’t.”
He was visibly hard through his pants. I reached out and stroked the bulge. He closed his eyes. “I swear I brought you out here to talk.”
“We can talk, too.”
He flared his nostrils. “See? I told you I wanted your thoughts. I can never get over that you want things the way that you do.”
“I want you, Maven.” I did. I craved him inside of me. My monthly visitor had ended. No one was h
ere who could see us, we were in private. Why couldn’t we make each other feel good right here in his car? “Is the parking brake on?”
He blinked. “It is.”
“Great. Push back your seat.”
His smile was slow. “After we’re done distracting each other, can we talk about what happened?”
“We can. Or we could leave it where it belongs as just a shitty thing we aren’t going to let touch us.”
Maven shook his head. “Denial isn’t only a river in Egypt, Giovanna.”
He was right. But I was going to pretend it was for just a little bit. “I like your play on words.”
I climbed over, seating myself on top of him. He moaned, the sound guttural, like he hadn’t meant to make it. I ground into him, wanting to hear that noise again and he didn’t disappoint me. Maybe it was my new blonde hair or just everything but I didn’t have a second of feeling at all self-conscious right then.
In fact, I felt powerful.
I leaned forward to bite down on his bottom lip. Maven practically growled at me. “I’ll never get enough of you.”
I tugged at his pants, unzipping him and sort of pulling them down with my legs. It was awkward, but I managed it. He had briefs on and they were going to be a lot harder to get off. He shook his head. “Not so fast.”
“But that’s how I want it, Maven. Fast.”
He stroked his finger down the side of my cheek. “This time. Next time I get to worship you all night. Do you understand? No rushing. Just us.”
I liked the idea of there being another time after this one. The thought jarred me. Was I really thinking this was the last time with Maven? Why did I think that?
“Giovanna?” His voice called me out of my head. “You okay?”
I kissed him like I’d never get to do so again. Tears came to my eyes, and he cupped my face, swatting them away with his thumbs. “Giovanna?” he asked me again.