"How many days have you had it?" she asked.
"Since Friday."
"Well, that's five days," she said, counting on fingers. "There shouldn't be any problem. Besides, exercise is the best thing for you. I never excuse girls from gym because of menstruation."
"Oh." I turned to leave.
"You're the Fenner girl, aren't you?" the nurse asked.
"Yes."
"How are you managing with your brace?"
"Okay," I told her.
"Good," she said. "Keep it up!"
I ran to the cafeteria, gobbled my lunch and hurried to the locker room.
Barbara Curtis is the only girl in my gym class who has a locker in my row. If I can change before she gets here I'll be safe, I thought. No one will have to see my brace. I took my sneakers out of the locker and set them on the bench, next to the gymsuit I'd been carrying around with me. Ma fixed Helen's old one for me because mine doesn't fit over the brace. I kicked off my loafers and pushed them under the bench. Our gymsuits are one-piece so before I had to take off my skirt I was able to pull the gym suit up to my waist. Then I had no choice. I couldn't finish until I took off my shirt. My heart was thumping very loud. I sneaked a look down the row of lockers but nobody was there. So I stood facing the wall and unbuttoned my shirt. I got out of it as fast as I could, pulled on my gymsuit and zipped up the front. I made it! I thought.
But when I turned around there was Barbara Curtis, standing in front of her locker, getting undressed. I'm sure she saw my brace, even though she had her back to me now. Her creeping crud was getting worse. It was all over her arms and legs … big red blotches and ugly hivey-looking things.
When Barbara turned around she caught me staring at her. I didn't say anything and neither did she. I sat down on the bench to put on my sneakers. I got my feet into them okay but I couldn't bend over to tie the laces.
"You want me to tie them?" Barbara asked.
"No," I said.
"You'll trip over the laces."
"I don't care."
"I really don't mind tying them for you."
"Oh … all right. If you want to."
Barbara knelt in front of me and tied my shoes. I felt like the world's biggest jerk.
We walked into the gym together. When Mrs. Rappoport saw me she didn't make a big thing out of my brace. She acted the same as always and I was glad. When she told us to choose partners me and Barbara looked at each other and grabbed hands.
Seventeen
I've been wearing my brace two weeks and I've finally found a comfortable sleeping position, flat on my back. I never thought I'd be able to sleep that way but I guess if you're tired enough anything works. Besides, I've got a worse problem now. The stupid brace is making holes in my shirts. I've torn two new tops this week and Ma is really mad. She says we can't afford to keep buying things. I've told her over and over that it's not my fault. I don't even know how they get ripped. I think it has to do with the metal parts of the brace. But I've promised to be more careful anyway.Daddy's joined the Y so I can go swimming. Midge belongs too and she's going to swim with me three days a week after school. The Y pool is heated which is nice. Dr. Kliner told Daddy that I have to swim laps and not just fool around in the water. I wish I could swim like Midge because she's a regular fish. She can make it halfway across the pool without a breath. She's going to coach me so maybe we can make the Olympics together.
The best thing about swimming is getting out of my brace. I feel so free. But when the hour is up and I have to put it on again I could just cry! Sometimes I think I should throw it in the garbage and force the doctors to operate on me. But then I remember what Dr. Kliner said about spending a long time in bed and I think of all the things I'd miss like the seventh-grade mixer, which is next Friday.
I wonder what would happen if I didn't wear the brace at all? Would I really turn out like Old Lady Murray? I wish there was a way I could find out fof sure, without taking any chances.
Mrs. Anderson sent for me again, this time in the morning.
"It's been two weeks and I haven't heard from you, Deenie."
"You didn't say I had to come back."
"But where's the form? I expected you to bring it in."
"Oh that … " I looked out the window but no pigeons were on the ledge. I tried to think of what to say so Mrs. Anderson wouldn't be suspicious. "My parents threw that form away I guess."
"Did you explain it to them?"
"Oh yes … but I told them I like riding the bus to school with my friends and they said that was fine with them so I suppose that's why they threw it away."
"As long as they realize they could save money if you rode the special bus … "
"It's not that expensive. I get student discount tickets." Could she tell I was lying?
"I've been talking to some of your teachers, Deenie … "
Is Miss Wabash after me again? I wondered.
"And they tell me you seem to be managing very well in spite of your handicap."
How could she sit there and say such a thing to me! Did she honestly think I was handicapped? Is that what everybody thinks? Don't they know I'm going to be fine in four years—but Gena Courtney and those kids are always going to be the way they are now!
When I got home from school Ma and Aunt Rae were waiting for me at the front door. I hoped that didn't mean Mrs. Anderson had called.
"We have good news for you, Deenie," Aunt Rae said.
"What?" I asked, praying it wasn't about the special bus.
"Remember that modeling agency where we had to break the appointment … "
"Oh, not that again … "
"Listen to Aunt Rae," Ma said.
"I told you I'd fix everything," Aunt Rae said. "I talked to the head of the agency, himself, Deenie … and he told me that seventeen isn't too late to start out at all. So we can stop worrying. He'll be happy to see you when you're out of the brace."
"But I don't even know if I want to be a model!"
"Of course you do!" Aunt Rae said. "Isn't that what we've always planned?" She turned to Ma. "Thelma … what's wrong with her?"
"She's just upset," Ma told Aunt Rae. "She's not used to the brace yet."
"You wouldn't let her waste that face, would you?" Aunt Rae asked Ma.
"I'm not just a face!" I shouted. "I'm a person too. Did either one of you ever think of that?" I ran past them and up to my room.
Ma yelled after me. "Don't be ungrateful, Deenie! Aunt Rae was only trying to help."
"Ha! I'll bet you'd both like to trade me in for some girl with a straight spine!" I shouted downstairs. "Then you wouldn't have to wait four years!" I slammed my door shut.
Eighteen
Me and Midge have been discussing the seventh-grade mixer. She doesn't want to go and I know why. It's not just that she can't dance. It's mostly because she's a giant compared to the seventh-grade boys. I don't want to go either but on the other hand I don't want to miss it, especially because of Buddy Brader. I think Midge will go to the mixer with me if I promise that we'll just sit around and laugh but definitely not dance.Janet keeps telling us that all seventh-grade boys are babies and it's a waste of time to go but I'm betting she'll change her mind at the last second. Steve Hildrick is the leader of the eighth-grade band and Janet knows it. Just because she's always hanging around Harvey Grabowsky doesn't mean she isn't interested in Steve too.
On Thursday afternoon Miss Greenleaf reminded us about the mixer. "It's a good way to make new friends," she said. "After all, you come from four different elementary schools. Please make sure you wear clean clothes tomorrow … I want to be proud of my homeroom."
On Friday morning I knew I was right about Janet changing her mind. She wore a new outfit to school.
"How come you're all dressed up?" I asked her.
"I've decided to keep you and Midge company this afternoon," she said.
"Gee Janet … that's swell of you," Midge said.
"I agree," Janet told her.
"But I may have to pretend I don't know the two of you. You both look awful!"
Me and Midge decided to wear jeans to the mixer to prove we aren't really interested but I didn't think I looked that bad. My hair is beginning to grow. It covers my ears now and I had on a very nice turtle-neck with my jeans. Turtlenecks do the best job of hiding my brace. Ma took two of my shirts back to the store yesterday and complained about the way they rip. The manager gave her new ones in their place. I'm sure he wouldn't have done that if he'd known about the brace. I'm glad he did though or I wouldn't have this purple top.
The rest of the day went so slow I thought it would never be three o'clock. I didn't see Buddy at all and I wondered if he was absent. If he was I wouldn't stay at the mixer. I'd tell Midge my stomach hurt and go home myself.
When the last bell finally rang and Miss Greenleaf dismissed us all the girls ran to the Girls' Room, just like the afternoon of cheerleading tryouts. Barbara Curtis was already in front of the mirror, brushing her hair. She made room for me. "I like your turtleneck," she said. It's a nice shade of purple."
"Thanks." I looked into the mirror and turned halfway around. You could still tell I was wearing the brace. I guess there's just no way to hide it.
Me and Barbara walked to the gym together. I told her I wasn't going to dance with anybody and she said she wasn't going to either. So I said she could sit with me and Midge and just watch. Barbara said that was fine with her.
Janet and Midge were waiting for me outside the gym. They didn't know Barbara so I introduced them.
"You're in my English class," Barbara told Janet.
"I am?" Janet asked.
"Yes. You sit in the front row and I'm two rows behind."
"No kidding! Who do you hang around with?"
"I'm new here," Barbara said. "We moved in over the summer."
"I didn't know that," I said. "I thought you were from Lincoln." That's an elementary school in another part of town.
"No, I'm from Chicago," Barbara said. "My father was transferred here." She started scratching her arms. You could hardly see her creeping crud today because she was wearing long sleeves and high socks. Of course if you knew where to look, like me, you could always find it—on the back of her neck and in between her fingers.
"Do you have poison ivy?" Janet asked her.
"No, it's just my allergy," Barbara said.
"You shouldn't scratch like that," Midge told her. "It'll only make it worse."
"I can't help it," Barbara said. "When I get nervous I itch."
"When I get nervous I have to go to the bathroom," I said.
"I'd rather do that," Barbara told me. "You can always find a bathroom and be done with it. I'm never done!"
The four of us went into the gym together. I thought there would be decorations or something. But it looked just like always. A lot of kids were already there and most of the boys were racing around like idiots, which made me think Janet is right about them being a bunch of babies. Mr. Delfone and Mrs. Rappoport were trying to calm everyone down and get things organized. All in all it didn't seem like much of a mixer to me.
Then the eighth grade band arrived and everybody cheered. I was really happy to see that Buddy wasn't absent. It took three boys to carry in his whole drum set. I called, "Hi Buddy. I'm here!"
He called back, "Hi Deenie. I'm busy now." He dusted off his drums while the boy with the guitar tightened his strings and Steve Hildrick played chords on the piano.
When they first started to play the band didn't sound very good and nobody danced. After a while they improved. Still, nobody danced, but the boys did stop playing touch football. Finally, Mr. Delfone said we had to get up and dance. The band played the Alley Cat and most of the kids got on line, including Janet, but me and Barbara and Midge stayed where we were.
Janet's a very good dancer and she knows it so she practically led the Alley Cat. I noticed how she made sure she was dancing right up close to the band so Steve couldn't miss her, even if he wanted to. Sometimes I think Janet is getting to be a terrible flirt!
I love to dance. Last night I practiced in front of my full length mirror to see how I'd look dancing in my brace. And I found out I look terrible. So I'm not going to dance for the next four years, except secretly, to make sure I don't forget how.
After the Alley Cat they played the Mexican Hat Dance and the hora and I began to wish I hadn't come to the mixer. Watching other people have a good time isn't any fun at all. For the first time in my life I felt like a real outsider.
Then Mrs. Rappoport told everyone to take partners and the band played the Gorilla. Danny Welker, who is this little freckled-face kid who looks like he belongs in fourth grade, walked over to us. I've known him since kindergarten. He taught me every curse I know.
He said, "Come on Deenie. Let's go dance."
"I don't feel like it," I told him.
"Then what'd you come for?"
"To watch," I said, looking away from Danny. I saw Janet dancing with this creepy guy from my math class. His name is Peter and he has eyes like a rat and ears that stick out. Janet will dance with anybody! "Why don't you go dance with Susan Minton," I said to Danny.
"She's an ass," he told me, grabbing my arm. "Come on. You're wasting the music."
I pulled away from him. "I told you Danny … I'm not dancing!"
He said all his curses at me, then looked at Barbara. "I'll take you," he said, pulling her up by the arms.
Barbara turned red and started scratching her neck.
"He's harmless," I told her. "Go dance."
Danny practically dragged Barbara out to the middle of the floor and when he started dancing the Gorilla he really looked like one.
I turned to Midge, wondering if she was thinking that nobody'd asked her to dance. Did she care or was she used to it by now? I couldn't tell from her face.
At four-thirty Buddy played his solo and everyone stopped dancing and gathered around his drums. I stood as close to him as I could but he played so loud I had to move back just a little or I might have gone deaf. You could tell how hard Buddy was concentrating because he had his eyes closed and his hair was hanging in his face. He was even sweating. All of that made him look especially cute and I liked him better than ever. When he was done we all clapped for him and then the band took a break while Mrs. Rappoport and Mr. Delfone served pretzels and drinks.
I stood next to Buddy at the refreshment table. "You were really good," I said.
"I told you, didn't I?"
"I came just to hear you play!"
"I believe it," Buddy said. "I didn't see you dance once. Don't you know how?"
"Of course I do. I love to dance!"
"So how come you didn't? I saw Janet dancing the whole time."
"She doesn't care who she dances with," I told him. "And I do."
"Yeah?"
"That's a fact."
"Would you have danced with me?"
"Well … sure."
"Let's go dance then."
"But there's no music."
"Not in here," Buddy said.
"Then where?"
"Come with me."
He took my hand and led me to the door of the locker room. "In there?" I asked.
Buddy just smiled.
I didn't think we were supposed to be in the locker room but Buddy opened the door and pulled me in so fast I had no time to do anything about it. It was very dark. "Suppose somebody sees us?" I asked.
"Who cares?" Buddy put his arms around me and held me tight. "I thought you said you know how to dance," he said as he swayed back and forth.
"I do, but it's hard without the music," I told him.
"Just make believe you hear it."
"I'm trying," I whispered, finding it hard to get the words out. I wanted to dance with Buddy. I wanted to in the worst way but all I could think of was my brace and I hated it more than ever. With all the people in the world why did I have to be born with a crooked spine! I pushed Buddy away from
me.
"What's wrong?" he asked. "You chicken?"
"No," I said. "Not exactly."
"Then what, Deenie?" He got my back against the wall and put his arms out on either side of me so I couldn't get away. Then he put his face near mine. He's going to kiss me, I thought. He's going to kiss me and I don't know what to do.
Then he was kissing me but instead of enjoying it all I could picture was Mrs. Rappoport catching us and sending me to Mrs. Anderson's office. She'd call Ma, tell her I was making out in the locker room and I'd be in big trouble!
Soon Buddy came up for a breath. "You are chicken," he said. "You don't kiss back."
I didn't know I wasn't kissing him back. I never even thought about it.
"I'm not chicken," I told him.
"That's good," he said, moving one hand down from my shoulder to my chest. I knew he was trying to feel me, same as Steve tried to feel Janet that day in the movies. I also knew that Buddy wasn't feeling anything but my brace, which only made everything worse, so I broke away from him and ran to the door.
"I have to go back to the gym," I called. "My friends are waiting."
I opened the locker room door. Everyone was getting ready to leave. The mixer was over.
"Where were you?" Midge asked, when she saw me. "I've looked everywhere! My mother's waiting for us outside."
"I'm sorry," I told her. I'd forgotten Mrs. Otonis was going to pick us up at five o'clock. "I didn't know it was so late. Where's Janet?" I asked.
"Already in the car."
I looked around for Buddy. I wanted to say goodbye but I didn't see him anywhere. So I went outside with Midge and got into her mother's car. On the way home Mrs. Otonis asked us all about the mixer and me and Janet told her it was really great but Midge didn't say anything at all.
Nineteen
Barbara Curtis is a big liar! I knew it on Saturday morning as soon as I woke up. Her creeping crud is catching! I've got it on my back and chest. It itched all night and spoiled my dream about Buddy.I called down to the kitchen, "Ma … come up here quick! I've got something all over me!"
"What is it?" Ma asked, rushing up the stairs.