Chapter 5
I had just finished my morning session of the sermon, when I received a call from Nitu. “Mum have you seen the mail today.” I asked her what was so special about it, but she insisted that I open the mail box and then she would contact me again. I found an envelope containing 2 air tickets from Surat to Goa for the coming Sunday. When she called me again she said, “Mum, you are so busy in your routine, that you have even forgotten Kamal’s 50th birthday. “Then she continued in an ordering tone, “both of you are reaching Goa on Sunday and we will come from here, it’s going to be a surprise for Kamal. So please don’t tell him anything about your trip till we meet there. Prince has arranged a wonderful beach party on this occasion.” I hesitated, “Baby you know your dad is not keeping good health, so I don’t think we will be able to make it.”
Nitu insistently said, “Mum after a long time there is going to be a family get together. Now that Kamal has forgotten all the bitterness, and is very attached to the kids, Prince has decided to give him a surprise on this occasion. Kamal is at Bangalore with the children and will come from there. He will be so happy to see you there. You have to come. That was her order.
Seeing my excitement Ram said, “Only 2 days left, to do all the packing. Prince must have arranged a lot of outings in Goa. I will not be able to go, due to some important factory deal, so you go with Nandu.”
“No, Nandu will stay back with you; else you will burden yourself with extra work. We were going to meet their whole family after a long time. Kamal had taken leave from office to be with the children.
My flight reached Goa well in time.Nitu was already at the baggage claim section waiting for me. We collected our baggage and waited in the lounge. Time seemed to drag and we waited anxiously for their arrival. Then came the alarming announcement, “your attention please AI flight 1127 has been indefinitely delayed, we have lost contact with the pilot, we shall keep you informed, please bear with us.”
My heart missed a beat and I became cold and clammy. Nitu caught hold of my hand saying, “Mum, relax, it’s just bad weather.” I was having butterflies in my stomach, my thoughts travelling fast and bizarre. I tried to occupy my mind and I could see Nitu tense too but showing semblance of calmness. Suddenly there flashed the breaking news, tearing our ear drums. It said, “The confirmed news is that the ill fated flight AI 1127 destined from Bangalore to Goa which had lost contact with the central radar system, has crashed in the hilly area of Goa. The rescue team has already left to locate the exact site of accident.” I sank into my chair, my head started swirling, and probably I fainted.
When I regained consciousness, I was descending down a small aircraft, which the airport authorities had arranged to air lift the relatives to the site of the accident, and identify their near and dear ones. Nitu could not leave me behind alone in this condition, so she dragged me along. It was nearly 18 hours since the crash had occurred. There were 8 persons of the rescue the rescue team and10 relatives on the aircraft. Nitu hesitated to take me to the site, but I insisted to go with her for some moral support at least.
We could see even from that distance that the ill fated aircraft had broken into two pieces, the tail end lying in the bushes with the two wings lying close by. The anterior part was lying in bits and pieces, still smoldering. A few parts were still in flames. Some incinerated pieces were lying far away. The whole atmosphere smelt of combustion fumes, mingled with vapor’s of human flesh burning. Some moans were audible suggestive of life under the debris. We ran to that area expecting some survivors in that wreckage. Nitu heard a familiar moaning cry of a child and below the left wing laid her grandson, with both the legs under a heavy broken seat. Next to him lay his brother in an unconscious state. Both kids were rescued and shifted on a stretcher to the emergency tent set up for urgent first aid.
The other members too should be somewhere nearby, so the hunt continued. Then she spied a lady lying on her face in a semiconscious state, on turning her around we discovered Bharti, with injuries on eyes and face, all smudged with blood and mud. My hopes rose very high, God has been merciful; we have found three of them, two more to discover. I kept a hand on Nitu’s shoulder which meant to transfer courage to her. The other two also should be in the same wreckage. So we desperately peeped around, even shouting out their names and waiting for a response. Then I came across two men sitting on the adjacent seats with seat belts tied on their waist. Both had their heads dangling down as if in deep slumber. My index finger pointed in that direction and Neetu rushed to the seats in the opposite side of the isle. She did not require lifting their heads for recognition. I immediately ran towards them and called for help. Prince was all soaked in blood. His nose and mouth still showed traces of the site of bleeding. Kamal was calm, as usual, with a very peaceful expression on his face; no marks of injury. Their hands were tightly clasped, as if giving physical and moral support to one another. Both were immediately shifted to the tent where the doctors did a thorough examination and declared Prince as dead. Kamal was unconscious because of head injury.
Kamal gained consciousness for a while and was mumbling for help to take out Prince. Someone please save my son. Hardly did he know that he has lost him. Those, who came for his check up had heard him say repeatedly, “Save my son.”
We were watching the doctors from outside the tent and waiting for the transfer to the air force hospital. In the meantime I could see the doctors giving cardiac massage to Kamal ,but due to limited facilities they became helpless and finally I saw them cover his body with a white sheet, declaring him dead. This was the biggest blow which destiny gave to my daughter, taking away her only son and husband together. So, was this the celebration planned on his 50th birthday? It had landed in a funeral preparation.
I vividly remembered the day, when father and son dad returned after a thorough medical check up from Renu’s clinic, Kamal telling his son, “Promise me that you will not touch alcohol now; the doctor says your liver has been damaged and any sudden trauma may cause internal bleeding. This explained the entire scene, the sudden thud and jerk of the aircraft causing hemorrhage from the liver.
When Bharti gained consciousness, she narrated the whole sequence of events. “We were on our way to Goa. Daddy and Prince were sitting together, I with the boys were on the opposite side of the isle. We were only 15 minutes from landing, then without any warning, the pilot pulled the nose of the aircraft up into the air. The cabin started shaking violently, the turbulence was unbelievable, and panic spread all around. Then there was an incredibly loud booming sound from the front of the plane followed by a strong vibration. I held the children’s hands tight and just prayed. Then a sudden thud with an intense force made me disoriented and I just closed my eyes. The hard bang had broken the plane into pieces. I saw large flames arising from the front part which had been blown away from the tail end. We had all been scattered away, no trace of any one was there. Then suddenly a large cabin tilted on my head, fell on my face, pushing me down beneath it. It was then that I probably lost consciousness. She was sobbing all through and wheeling with pain. Her face was swollen and blood oozed from her wounds. Her left eye was more or less shut with the edema and a linear cut across the lid. The left angle of her lips bore a deep cut with bluish patches of blood collection due to blunt injury on her face. She had great difficulty in framing her words during narration of the disastrous scene.
Later on when we saw the footage of the crash and the discovery of the black box, it was discovered that about 10 minutes before the crash the pilot had accidently entered the wrong code into the plane computer, without realizing that they were entering into the hilly area near Goa. When the ground proximity warning system started beeping, he pulled the nose of the aircraft acutely up into the air, but it was too late and the front struck against the mountain, setting ablaze the front part. The lucky survivors in the hind part were because of the crack in the craft tearing the tail part away and saving it from the main
blast.
This tragedy had simultaneously snatched away her beloved husband and her only son in one stroke of ill fate. I just could not weigh whose loss was more. She was hit with 2 major losses. Then there was Bharti, hit with one major loss at a very young age with a full life ahead of her. Question of measurement was not there,it was a total loss for the family.
All were grief-stricken. For a few hours Nitu became mum; not a single tear came in her stony eyes. May be she was expecting that fate could not be so cruel to her. Probably the remote hope of their survival was still lingering in her subconscious mind. “We had hardly had any happiness, how could we lose it so soon, mum,” she murmured.
I knew this can happen to anyone. Destiny can strike suddenly; changing your life forever .God has plans for everyone. His wisdom and kindness is beyond our minds reach, we can only try and understand it, if we surrender totally to God. She was no exception to this universal law. When there is a birth there has to be death too, but the human mind does not want to accept this truth. It was all so sudden and so shocking that all my knowledge seemed to fail. I had tried my best to compose myself trying to deal with the crisis, because if I lose my cool, her entire family will be devastated. One thing I realized for sure, that all the sermons are for others. Once the tragedy is in your own family, all spiritual knowledge seems to evaporate. But inspite of all this I tried my best to expose the semblance of calmness.
All the relatives had been informed of the tragedy and reached there for the cremation.
Whole family was shocked. Nitu was shattered by this blow. My daughter Renu and her husband also reached there. Bharti and the children were hospitalized. We found that children had sustained few injuries and multiple fractures and were safe. Bharti had multiple bruises and injuries on the face and eyes. Her vision was apparently normal. They were attended to.
This was not the end of our miseries. The bodies of our near and dear ones were not given to us for full 36 hours, because the airport formalities were not completed soon. These are the incidents which reveal foul and stinking systems of government authorities who are in no way concerned with the emotions and miseries of a common man. Our two precious members of the family for whom we used to care so much were lying on the floor wrapped in their hospital linen, waiting in the queue of identification and claiming procedures, which unfortunately was too long that day.
Preparation for the cremation was planned for the evening, as soon as the bodies after the formalities were handed over to us. Alka and her husband arrived just in time for the cremation. Gloomy atmosphere prevailed all over. This was the moment of my test. All my spirituality seemed to wash away. Nitu just sat on the ground in between her two beloved ones. Shocked and numb, not being able to pick courage to unveil their faces for the last glimpse. Suddenly a gush of wind blew and uncovered both of them together. She just hugged Kamal and said, “Happy birthday darling, you did not even wait to accept my greetings on your 50th birthday. Where was the hurry? Were you still annoyed with me for not listening to your advice? Forgive me for everything, just come back and I promise you I will always obey you.”
Then she suddenly realized that her beloved only son had also left without even taking her blessings. She just touched him on his abdomen and cried out, “I know how painful it must have been for you, your liver was weak and fragile and the sudden shock must have been very agonizing; how I wish you had not organized this celebration, and stayed at home. Now what will I do without both of you?”
At that moment, ambulance stopped with a creaking sound of the sudden brakes. Bharti and Luv Kush were brought from the hospital to attend the last rites of their dear father and grandfather. The children were plastered on both the legs and were carried to the spot. Bharti had probably not come out of the anaesthetic effect which was given prior to minor surgery. She was a little calm, sedated and staggering. Her eyes brimmed with tears; she just mumbled and said in an incoherent tone. “Everything is finished. You had promised me company for whole life; why did you break that promise. How will Luv Kush grow up without you? My relations with dad had just taken a turn to normalcy, he’s gone too.”
All who were present there, including me, could not control their tears. It was during that moment that I visualized my Guruji and was reminded of her words on Geeta. “ Learned people do not lament for living or the dead. Atman or soul never dies, it still goes on living even as the body has passed away .Just as every human being journeys from birth to childhood, to youth, to old age and then passes away to attain another body, so is the souls transmigration into another body. The soul is immortal and never dies. Just as I am living in your minds, so shall they stay with you forever? I picked up a lot of strength from this. Yet the human mind does not easily accept this truth. It is easily said than done. Here I am looking at my daughter, whose life is finished, nearly half dead, herself too. How can I dare to preach her and tell her the gist of Geeta? When a loved one dies our minds become numb, we want to cling on, we refuse to let go, because of worldly attachments and relationships. I sensed with deep emotion an age old truth that a human enters this world crying, and on leaving the human body, leaves behind so many in tears. The only way to remember your beloved ones is to make their loss your strength, which transforms into the power that makes you strive. So I had to be brave and bear the shock strongly, and act as a buffer for my daughter.
I had learnt in my spiritual journey that no one can ward off destiny. We have to accept whatever God has decided for us. Death is an unwelcome visitor, and often comes summoned, unannounced and sudden. What could be more sudden? This was the worst blow a lady could stand, loosing husband and the only grown up son.I knew she will have to survive and take care of whatever is left .My religious group stood beside, giving the strength to bear this shock.
My guru had told me once you’re taking a glass of milk to somebody in a tray. All of a sudden, you trip and fall. The glass is broken, and the milk spills everywhere. We’ve heard the saying: Do not cry over spilt milk. There’s so much truth in that! She had said, “This is true for real life too.” She had probably foreseen the future and said “death of a loved one can throw you into depression and can wreck you emotionally, physically and mentally; but always remember there is not a single person out here who has not suffered this pain.”
I now realized the theory of karma. There must be some “give and take” calculations of our previous births. Since the soul is primeval, eternal. The soul is never born and does not die at any time. It is birth less, constant, eternal and ancient. Just as a person gives up worn clothes and puts on other new ones, so does the embodied self-give up body and enter into a new one. So you should not grieve. My guruji had lit the torch of knowledge within me .She had made me strong. So I tried to normalize her life, and move forwards with whatever was left. Prince's office staff helped us a lot .They were all there .His boss said that he is like a son to me and showed real sympathy at every step. He even assured me and Bharti that he would take care of all the formalities of gratuity, Insurance, pensions and funds etc as soon as possible, so that the family does not face any problem.
I clearly remember there was a congregation in the temple on the fourth day after the cremation. This was a ritual to offer final prayers to the Almighty for the peace of the departed souls. The priest had just finished his sermon, when I felt a dizzy feeling as if the earth beneath me is shaking. I glanced to my right where Nitu sat with folded hands and eyes closed I took it for the exhaustion and tension of the past three days
Then I heard a rumble in the distance. I looked around and paused. May be a thunderstorm approaching. The rumble grew louder, intensified and I felt the earth shudder beneath the white sheets over the thick carpets. The floral arrangements at the far end, swayed like a drunkard and toppled, clattering to the marble floor.
Involuntarily my hand flew to my throat, no, it can’t be; not now. It was t
hen that Neetu turned to me wide eyed, and both of us mouthed the same word, earthquake! The next moment ground shifted with such force that I nearly toppled on my back just saving my head from banging.
I became aware of people around me shouting and screaming. The rumbling sound was deafening, like a train pounding through my brain, or an aircraft taking off right over my head .I crawled immediately to one of the corner pillars of the temple hall. To my surprise the entire hall was vacated and all were clustering along the walls and corners. Seconds passed and the unreal undulation grew in intensity. Suddenly the earth gave a sudden ugly lurch.The masonry violet plaster of the roof grounded and stained glass windows burst out from the frames with the sound of a shot gun blast. Shreds of multi colored glass sprayed the congregation like deadly confetti.
I had crouched in the corner, cramming my body into the smallest possible ball. The screaming grew in intensity, and the image of Nitu grew in my eyes. Oh God! Where could she be? I just hoped for her safety. Her image waned in the next shock of waves as all at once the hall was rocked by one apocalyptic spasmof noise and motion. There mingled a sickly sweet smell of incensearising from the mixed fumes of oil and wax intermingled with acrid dust.
All one could do was clinging to the ground. My head was banging repeatedly against the walland creating a rumbling pain.
Then as quickly as it had started, the shaking stopped. For a moment all were immobilized, probably too dazed to do anything but remain crouched. Within seconds I saw people clambering to their feet. Slowly I began to believe that for the moment at least, the earth had grudgingly settled back into place. Despite the pounding headache, I rose to my feet.
Sunlight slanted through the gaping holes of the window frames and the broken pieces of collared glass made kaleidoscopic glittering designs on the marble floor. All were desperately looking for their companions and showing urgency to leave. Fortunately I discovered Nitu and the whole family intact near the adjoining walls.
I thought that this was the repercussion of our tragedy, where not only the humans were shaken but even the earth had shuddered at the loss of our two dear ones.
Life after mourning started limping back to a different set up. I moved closer to my daughter. Bharti went to Bangalore, got her sons admitted to a convent school on humanitarian grounds their fees were waved off. Ex gratia payment from Prince’s employers came in name of Bharti. She also received payments of LIC policy. She found employment in a primary school.
I stayed with Nitu for a fortnight until she appeared a little stabilised. The sudden news of Ram’s heart attack made me rush back. This was his second attack, and I am sure the news of this tragedy must have had its impact too.We had somehow prevented him from attending the entire rituals because of his weak heart. The tragedy, then my absence, and the news of the earth quake must have triggered his anxiety and tension. The only consolation for me was that Renu and her husband who was a cardiologist were there to attend to him. Seeing a neighbor, to receive me at the airport, I sensed the gravity of the problem. I felt relieved that Nandu had stayed back for his help. “Everything is going to be fine; we are going straight to the hospital.” Was his cool reply, when I asked about Ram.
I went to the hospital directly. Renu met me at the door of his room, “Mum it was a severe attack of myocardial infarction.” I darted back, “what do mean by was; let me go in.”
I rushed into the room straight to his bed, nearly toppling over one of the doctors. He just pushed me back with his hand, “Stay away, he is collapsing.”
“Let me meet him, he’ll be fine.”With these words I just arched my body and bent over his face, “I am back; you’ll be just fine.” His breathing was very strenuous, face absolutely blenched; lips were blue and heavy beads of perspiration on his face. His clothes, and even the bed sheet, were all wet with sweat. He opened his eyes a little, gave a slight smile as if to say you are too late. It was a mixture of pity and solace associated with a bit of sarcasm. Telling me why did you leave me so long. I was on the left side of his bed sitting on a chair .The team of doctors working from the right side of his bed were struggling to revive him. I caught hold of his left hand and pressed it a little conveying my sorrowful and compassionate gesture. Then his head turned in my direction and fell listless.
The doctor just pushed me aside and started giving external cardiac massage. But I knew it was no use. He was just waiting for me to meet him. His last look at me had conveyed the good bye message mutely. I viewed a picture of peace and solace in his face. The peace for which I had been hunting from pillar to post, travelling all around, was inborn in him and it showed clearly on his face. He had grabbed life as destiny had thrown it towards him. This was his true gist of life for him.
His hand had taken a tight grip of mine ,exactly the way our hands were clasped at the time of our wedding .Then it was our right hand and now it was the left hand, to be left for ever. I sat there like a statue, expressionless, stony still. Not so soon, was my first thought. I had not fully mourned for my daughter’s tragedy, and here was my loving husband gone.All my spiritual knowledge seemed to have vanished. What I could not explain to my daughter, I could not digest myself. But what had happened was a fact,a reality, a universal law. He was gone forever.
At times I felt guilty that I had been so much lost in my own spiritual journey, so selfish so self centered, that I neglected him and could not perform the duties of a good wife. Now it was too late even to think of such repentance. I had gone far ahead towards my destination of obtaining solace and peace. He had been a doting and a loving husband. There was not a single thing which he had not done for me, and what had I given him in return.
After a fort night of mourning, I resumed my routine of the duties assigned to me by my guru. Started spending less and less time at home. My sermons and preaching’s were appreciated by all .The inner strength used to reflect from my talk. It reflected the strength within me. But loneliness always renewed my memories of the past and I used to shed hidden tears lest someone saw them and took me as a weak ignorant person. So I kept on exposing my external strength. My heart and my mind used to miss my dear ones and I used to cry as much as I could to drown all the memories.
Now on my death bed, I felt my head reeling with dizziness. All that I felt was a sinking heart and darkness all over. I slowly opened my eyes and took a glimpse around me. Surprisingly all were awake, sitting around me, a few sips of water moistened my lips and my thoughts too, so I moved forwards to complete my journey of the past, which had been so eventful, and never seemed to end.
I was busy with my pursuits. My preaching became very popular, I sometime s wondered how a person can preach when one has been a failure in personal life. Then the thought used to come that in spite of my tumultuous life God has chosen me to lessen miseries of those who come to us, to show them the path of truth and how to survive misfortunes .There used to be old ladies, neglected by their children. Young widows, women deserted by their husbands. They used to attend these Satsangs and later interact with each other. This was a way to lighten their miseries. I could calculate one thing, that those who divert their lives to the spiritual path, have gone through some shock or the other which has forced them to seek peace of mind in this direction. Whatever was the reason, they were at least peaceful now.
I felt a sense of exhaustion, and wanted my side to be turned. My back was completely numb and the bed sore was hurting. I just made a sign and expressed my desire; a very gentle hand came and slowly turned me to one side. It softly caressed my wound and probably applied some cream on it which was very soothing. The touch was that of Renu. I felt better and quickly resumed my chain of thoughts.
By now I had learnt one lesson. Yesterday is gone and forgotten; tomorrow is unknown and fully governed by destiny, so live for today and make the best use of it. Do your karma sincerely and hon
estly.
My health started deteriorating due to tensions.I felt as if I have been deserted by all. They all left me one by one, but this became my strength and my progress in spiritualism.
I was suffering from hyperacidity which doctors said was due to anxiety. Renu and her husband did a thorough check up. The investigations did not reveal any abnormality. Every one correlated the symptoms to the tensions of my life, and kept me on symptomatic treatment.
My preaching used to serve as a balm for suffering ladies who used to come to find solace. Old ladies and even men, who were retired used to come to make use of time.
After Ram left there was a vacuum in my life and I did not want to devote much time to my family, so I became more busy in my spiritual pursuits .This had given me inner strength and had buffered the losses which I had sustained.
I started having dyspeptic symptoms such as fullness and slight pain in abdomen. Local doctors diagnosed it as hyper acidity. An ultrasound showed a suspicious shadow. MRI and some other blood tests were done immediately. I was told that everything is fine but from their worried expressions I could feel that something was terribly wrong. Then I developed jaundice, which heralded a serious ailment.
Doctors advised that a stent should be put to drain out blocked bile. It was a very painful procedure but had to be done. After few days I started feeling better and my appetite returned. They advised chemotherapy but idea was rejected by my children. They took me to a renowned homeopath who said he would cure me. In my heart of heart I knew something was seriously wrong, but it was cancer, was not conveyed to me. Probably they thought this blow would be too hard to bear, would shake me morally, so they did not disclose the diagnosis to me.
My children were all the time clinging to me. This gave me an indication that worse is yet to come. My disciples were worried about my health. My house became the center of activity. I started to preach from my home though with great effort. I used to shuttle between Surat and Ahmedabad for checkups and various investigations. Homeopathic treatment gave me a good response initially. I later on learnt that my children had refused for chemotherapy due to the side effects and the pain. They were afraid that this may worsen my condition. Picture became clear that I was suffering from dreaded cancer of the pancreas. God was testing to what extent I had learnt his spiritual teachings and what would be my tolerance quotient.
My only worry was to find a competent successor before I breathe my last breath. Then I thought this is not my worry. Guru will surely point a finger to the chosen one.
Manik in London used to collect all detailed information from Renu. He thought I would get better treatment there. So I reached there for more modernised treatment, and stay back till the wedding of his son. Manik’s house was huge and all luxuries of life were there. After few days I was examined by a consultant and he advised me chemotherapy. My children agreed this time in spite of the apprehension. Luckily I tolerated it well and was given regular shots. It was painful but I gained some weight, appetite was restored, and became more cheerful.
Preparations for marriage were in full swing. My children were all very happy. My energy level went up. We all mistook this as the control of the disease, but it was spreading like fire in the adjacent organs of my body. Somehow or the other, probably due to my inner strength, I was fit enough to attend all the functions of the wedding.
Marriage was a grand affair; many of the bride’s friends and relatives from UK came to attend the functions for 3 days. All rituals were according to the Hindu customs. It was amazing to see the active participation of the Britisher’s in all the functions. I even danced on the musical, sangeet night.
My visa was nearing expiry and I had to return. Manik and his wife took very good care of me. In spite of my health problems my stay was a perfect one. They managed very well all the wedding arrangements and my health problems. They took very good care of all my needs and comforts. I think that was one of the happiest times of my life. I had forgotten nearly all the earlier sorrows and sufferings of my life. They were aware that my life span was short and spent every moment with me. I realized that Manik went out of the way to please me and keep me happy. Once he opened up his heart to me, “Mum I was not able to do anything for dad. This regret will always remain with me. I can never forgive myself for not fulfilling my duties at that time. I hope you can understand my limitations of that time.”
I consoled him, “we don’t keep any accounts of duties, son, it’s just done spontaneously so no remorses. It’s just a give and take system of life.”
Looking at his tense expression I added, “I have received from all of you, love and care beyond expectations. My blessings will always be with you where ever I am. As for your dad, he was one of those. Who had a selfless love for you all and never kept these trivial matters in account.”
Finally my visa expiry made me return to my native place, where the treatment was continued. At times I used to feel guilty that Renu and her husband left their home and children and even their surgery and came running for my medical needs, which could disturbed their own married life, but their presence gave me sense of security and a mental comfort to them.
When I came back to India,I felt weak as if my energy had been drained. I was brought back to Surat, I started my routine but health wise, I was not normal.