My heart ached painfully as I thought about never seeing them again. Maybe it was for the better, though. I didn't want to be angry at one of them because he'd survived while the other one hadn't. But my soul felt like it had a giant hole in it. My bed—the place where Spike and I always felt closest and whispered late into the nights about our life together and our hopes and dreams—would always be empty, and Tony would no longer be there to share his wise advice with me, to joke about our human lives with, to discuss all the ways being fae had changed us.
The fae community as a whole would be missing two seriously cool dudes, and it was all my fault. I should have made a choice. But even knowing that I should have done that, as I jogged to the compound following a silly baby pixie, I couldn't make the choice in my mind. Even though the time for making that choice had already passed and there was no longer any pressure on me, I couldn't pick Tony or Spike.
I tried to imagine someone else walking in my shoes: Becky, Scrum, or Finn, and I came to the conclusion that they probably wouldn't have been able to make the choice either. They liked Tony and Spike equally; they were both our friends. They'd both been there from the beginning, experiencing this new life right along with us, every step of the way. It was an impossible situation with no solution. Fuck, the universe sure did love torturing me. It was like I was being punished for some cosmically, karmically awful thing I'd done, but I had no idea what that thing was.
We reached the doorway with the infinity symbol on it, and Willy hovered in front of it. "Open this up for me, Lellemental. I want to go see my mommy and daddy and report back."
I paused in front of the door with my arms folded across my chest. "What are you going to say to them?" I figured a little damage control might not be a bad idea. I had lost my temper back there, but in my defense, I hadn't known there was a baby pixie anywhere in the vicinity. I'd warned my friends to leave so no one would be hurt. If I could get Willy to leave that part out of his report, I'd be ahead of the game.
"I'm going to say that your boobies are squishy, and they're sweaty, and they smell funny, and I almost got rained on." He saluted, his body as stiff as a board for about three seconds before he started bumbling around in the air again like a pixie who'd ingested too much honey.
I pictured him announcing these facts in front of the entire Council. They'd think that while all of them were busy making plans to save the world, I was out exposing my bosoms to a child. Yeah…that'll look greeeaaat. "Excuse me, sir, but that's kind of rude."
"What's rude?" He frowned like he was seriously confused.
"Talking about my boobs like that." I wasn't proud of trying to shame a baby into silence, but I was desperate, and desperate times called for desperate measures.
He thought about that for a few seconds before responding. "Do you want me to lie?"
Damn. This baby pixie was way better at manipulation than I was. I felt like an amateur trying to play in the big leagues. I sagged a little as a long breath escaped me. "No. You should never lie."
"Soooo, you want me to tell the truth?"
"You should always tell the truth, I guess." I was sweating again, and it wasn't because of the jogging.
"Okay. Then I will tell them about your boobies and how they are squishy and smelly and sweaty."
I scrubbed at my face with my hands a few times, knowing that I was battling a serious case of fatigue and should probably have more patience with the little turd. "Okay, fine. Tell them whatever you want about my boobs, I don't care. But maybe you shouldn't tell them about the storm."
"Why not? It was really big. I could hear it." He waved his arms around, and rolled his head from side to side, making noises that were supposed to imitate the sounds of an elemental losing her shit.
"I know it was loud. It's just that…sometimes I lose my temper a little bit, and then the storms come. But you made it go away, so we're all good now. Maybe your parents don't need to know about the storm part because they might get mad at me and tell you that you can't do spy stuff with me anymore." I could see them getting totally pissed off at me for nearly bringing the force of all the elements down on top of their son's precious little head. And who could blame them? Not me.
I could stand there and defend myself by saying I hadn't known Willy was there, but deep down inside, I suspected that even if I had known he was there, I might not have been able to control my reaction to losing Tony and Spike. Letting those elements take over had been way too easy. I was scared that whatever dark spirit had been in me before in the dining hall was still in there now. I wasn't confident that Sam's circle of magic had done anything to change the fact that Torrie had put his disgusting paws on me and somehow marked me for life. I hadn't felt like I was being possessed by anything after returning from the Gray; I was just really sad and angry. I was still sad and angry. But that didn't mean the dark spirit wasn't still hiding in my head somewhere, waiting for a chance to take over again.
"My mommy says I have to tell her everything. That's what a ayygent does."
I sighed in near defeat. At least I didn't want to destroy the world anymore, so even though I was about to be ratted out by a baby, I still had that going for me. Three cheers for surviving my own temper tantrum! For two seconds I felt like I had kind of accomplished something by doing that, but then I imagined the lecture I would get from Tim and the look of disappointment on Abby's face upon them hearing that I'd risked their baby's life by losing control of the elements, and decided to give it one more try with Willy.
"Okay, fine, Baby Bee. Tell your momma everything if you want to. But if you want to play spider nakies with me one more time, you should probably wait." Did I feel guilty for telling him to lie by omission to his parents? Maybe. Just a tiny bit. But I kept telling myself that nothing bad had happened to him, and as far as I was concerned, what his parents didn't know about nothing big wouldn't hurt them or Willy. I couldn't let rumors of my erratic behavior stop me from fulfilling my duty and keeping the Forsaken from taking over.
"I probably don't want to play spider nakies anymore, because I'm pretty big now." He didn't look very happy about this fact.
I felt like a fisherman who gets a nibble on his line, but I tried not to sound too excited about Willy's response because the kid was way too sophisticated when it came to grownups trying to mess with him. Be cool, Jayne…be cool. "Well, I heard that your parents still play spider nakies with each other, so I don't think it matters if you're big." Ew. Get that image out of your head right now!
Willy folded his arms and looked up at the sky, first to the left and then to the right as he slowly nodded. Then he looked at me. "I think you're right. I saw them playing spider nakies once. Sooo, maybe I can play it some more with you." He paused and spun around in a circle, avoiding eye contact. "Maybe I can do it if you apol…apol… say you're sorry."
Winning! I laced my hands together at my waist and faced him, trying to look as innocent as possible. "I'm sorry, Baby Bee, that I did not come back and play with you like I promised I would. That wasn't very nice of me."
He flew up in front of me with his hands on his tiny hips, executing a perfect imitation of his father. "You're right. It wasn't very nice of you. I waited and waited and waited forever. And for ever and ever. And you just didn't come back." He choked on his next words. "I thought you were died." He quickly swiped at his face, removing any evidence of possible tears.
A lump caught in my throat. I could barely get the words out. "It sucks having to wait for somebody who doesn't come back, doesn't it?"
He threw his arms up at his sides before letting them drop down to slap his legs. His emotional reaction disappeared as fast as it had arrived. "Yeah, at first. But then it gets better because I have some friends now and I like to play with them, and I'm a ayygent so I'm very busy. So even if you want to play now, I might not have time." He shrugged, looking around vaguely.
I frowned. "You won't have time to play with me? Are you kidding me? What about all those poll
yballs? Whose nostrils are you going to use if not mine?"
He grinned. "You do have the best nose caves."
Nose caves? Good Lord. "So, are we friends again or what?" I held out my finger for a high-one.
He zoomed over and slapped it, executing the best high-one I'd ever received. "Yes. We can be friends now. And that means…I'm going to stand on your head!" True to his word, he flew up past my eyeballs and forehead to land on the top of my scalp.
"It's prickly up here." He was stomping around in my hair stubble, his tiny feet tickling my skin.
"Just don't fall off," I said, reaching for the door handle.
"Where are we going?" Willy asked. I could tell from his movements above that he was now sitting down, probably looking like a weird little head Buddha. I prayed he was thoroughly potty trained, because in my experience, he tended to lose his water when he went too long without a potty break…and there hadn't been one of those in a long while.
"I have to go see Dardennes. You want to come with me, or do you want to go back to see your parents?"
"My momma said I need to stay with you, so that's what I'm gonna do."
"Okay. But if things start to get bad, I'm going to tell you to leave, and you need to listen to me."
"What do you mean bad? Are you going to be a bad girl again?"
I opened the door and stepped into the corridor, giving thanks to the universe for the cool air brushing across my face and chest. It felt good after having nearly caught myself on fire. "I'm going to try not to. I'm going to try to be super mature and really smart and listen to everything that everybody says before making any decisions."
"Humph. That sounds boring."
I laughed. "Tell me about it. But that's what you gotta do when you're an adult. You have to become a little bit boring." It was a sobering thought, because truth be told, I actually thought a boring life might be nice for a change. I'd had about as much adventure as I'd ever wanted, and I wasn't even twenty years old yet.
"I'm never going to be an adult because I never want to be boring."
"Well, I hope you do get to be an adult one day Baby Bee, because the alternative sucks." I started thinking about my friends who I had failed to bring back with me from the Gray, and it made me sad all over again. I'm so sorry, Spike and Tony. I already miss you so much.
"I think we can change the rules, Lellemental. I think we can be grown-ups and fun too. Like my daddy."
I made my way down the corridor, imagining the door to Dardennes' office in my mind so it would appear. "Maybe you're right," I said, smiling at the simplified logic of a baby pixie. "Maybe it's possible to have it all." I liked where he was going with his thoughts, although I didn't think it was a very realistic direction. Looking back on my own life told me the truth about how things worked in reality. I'd wanted to have it all: a fae life, awesome friends, a lover and a best friend. I'd been willing to pay the dues for it too…be good, work hard, do what was expected of me… But a life of having it all wasn't meant to be for me. I had lost so much. Hell…if it weren't for the babies growing in my belly, I probably would've started questioning whether any of it was worth it.
My mind was weighed down with all that heaviness as I reached the door to Dardennes' office and raised my hand to knock on it. But before my knuckles could make contact with the wood, it flew open and the face that appeared before me made me collapse to the floor screaming.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
"SPIKE!" I SCREAMED, falling into a pile of my own arms and legs on the floor. I instantly lost all strength in every muscle of my body. Willy flew from my head in time not to get squished against the corridor wall, but he buzzed around my face, yelling nonsense at the top of his lungs.
"Jayne!" Spike shouted, dropping to his knees in front of me. He grabbed me into a hug, his arms like steel bands around my body. "Oh my god, I thought I'd lost you forever." He buried his face in my neck and started sobbing loudly.
I could barely speak. "What…? How…?" I pulled away with every bit of power I could muster, staring at the side of his face and then into Dardennes' office. "Where's Tony? Is he here too?"
Spike's voice was tortured. He didn't look at me; he just shook his head as he bawled. "No. He's gone, Jayne. I'm so sorry. He's gone. I'm so sorry. I wanted it to be him. I know how much you love him. I wanted it to be him…"
My brain would not process what it was hearing at first. Spike was there…there, in my arms. I could feel his strength, his body, his skin. I could smell him, that special scent that was Spike, a scent that no one else in the world had. A gap in the back of his shirt revealed his tattoos, patterns I knew so well it was like I'd drawn them myself. This was my Spike, and he was no longer as white as death, staring up at the sky with unseeing eyes. He was in the Here and Now, perfectly healthy and waiting in Dardennes' office. But…Tony? Where is he?
Spike was crying so hard, his body was literally heaving with sorrow. He would not stop apologizing. It took me a while, but I finally realized what was going on—he was apologizing for being the one who had been chosen to come back.
I pushed him away and scrambled back crab-like until my head hit the opposite wall of the hallway. I stared at him, stricken, as reality came crashing down on me. "Tony's dead?"
Willy started yelling and disappeared down the hallway, no doubt headed to his parents to tell them the news. I shifted my focus back to Spike.
His face was a hollowed out mess. I'd thought he'd returned from the Gray healthy, but I'd been wrong about that. He wasn't that far removed from Death's doorstep. But he was here, and Tony wasn't.
Spike shook his head, tears running down his face from his swollen red eyes. "There wasn't enough life force for both of us. The wyvern chose me." His face crumpled as he tried to finish his thought. "I don't know why…" He dropped his head into his hands and cried silently, his shoulders trembling.
I just stared at him. Dardennes appeared behind him in the doorway and then so did Céline, standing just to his left. They were both crying too, silently watching me, probably wondering what my final reaction would be once I moved past stunned and confused.
I shook my head at them as I slowly got to my feet. My legs were shaking so badly, I was afraid I was going to go down again, so I held onto the wall. "No," I said. It was all I could get out.
"Jayne…," Dardennes started.
I shook my head violently. "No! This is not happening!"
Céline's soft voice tried to break through my sorrow. "Jayne, sweetie, wait and listen…"
I started moving sideways down the hallway, my bare back scraping painfully against the rough, wet stone, adding more scrapes and cuts to the ones that were already there from Leck dragging me in the Gray. "This isn't real…," I whispered, praying I was having a post-temper-tantrum hallucination. Dark spirits lived inside me. This was probably them messing with my head.
Suddenly there was a baby pixie in my face. Apparently he'd changed his mind about 'reporting back' to pixie headquarters. "Jayne! Where are you going? Spike is crying. You need to rub his back and tell him it's going to be okay like my momma does when you're gone and daddy is crying."
I blinked numbly at the pixie.
"Do you hear me?" He flew up really close to my eyeball, making it impossible to see him clearly. "I'm talking to you, Lellemental." He actually poked me on the side of the nose when I didn't respond. "Helloooo! Wakey, wakey, pancakey!" He poked me four more times before I reached up and gently swatted him away.
"Hey! Dat's not nice!" he screeched. And then he flew down the hallway, shouting as he disappeared. "You're not my friend again! No more spider nakies for you! Mean ol' Lellemental! You're mean!"
I felt like I was glued to the wall, half escaping this nightmare and half caught up in it. Spike's sobs were quieter now, but they were still racking his body. Dardennes and Céline continued to stare at me, but they remained silent with their tears.
I glared at the man on the floor whose heart was clearly broken o
ver the role he'd played in keeping my best friend from joining me in the Here and Now. But had he really played a role? Because I'd been given the power to save Tony and I hadn't used it. I'd just walked away from it. I realized as I watched Spike suffer that I was way more to blame for Tony being gone than he could ever be.
I forced myself to stop leaning on the wall and took a tentative step toward my boyfriend. He was only ten feet away, but it seemed more like a mile. It felt as if my feet were encased in concrete and chained together, so that every inch forward happened with only supreme effort and expense of time. As I got closer, the door to Dardennes' office closed, and he and the other silver elf disappeared from view. It was just Spike and me in the hallway then, and the only sound to be heard was his expression of deep pain.
"Spike?" I tried to say it so he'd hear me, but my voice was only capable of a whisper. I tried again. "Spike?"
He acted like he hadn't heard.
"Spike," I said, finally close enough to lean down and touch his back.
He jerked away, stumbling to his feet, using the wall to support himself. He kept his eyes on the ground, using his forearm to wipe his face.
I moved closer. "Spike…look at me."
He shook his head. His voice sounded dead. "No. I can't."
I reached out to touch his shoulder, but he flinched away. "Don't."
My heart leaped up and gave me an instant sore throat. "Don't what? Don't touch you?"
He shook his head. "No. Don't touch me. Don't talk to me. I don't deserve it."
My hand dropped to my side. Emotions were at war inside my heart. The Dark Fae part of me—a piece of my soul I was finally willing to admit existed—agreed. Why was he here and Tony not? Why would I even want to touch a man who agreed to leave my best friend behind? But the Light Fae part of me knew the answers to those questions—Spike was here because both of those fae men loved me enough to sacrifice…to walk away from their lives, because they knew how much I loved both of them and how badly I'd want them back. And it wasn't Spike's fault that he'd been chosen by the wyvern to return.