Jay felt suddenly very cold. Of course these people would be talking about Dex. Perhaps it was because he was hidden among them, his essence somehow touching their memories.
‘It’s all just supposition,’ a man in a lime green suit said scornfully. ‘I reckon he topped himself and that’s that.’
Carmen Leonard gibbered in pique, taking a sip of champagne.
‘I heard he’s in Barcelona,’ said a youth in baggy clothes and a baseball cap worn back to front. ‘Getting wrecked and all that.’
‘Who gives a fuck where he is?’ snapped a young, scorched-blond, American vocalist, decked in tight zebra-print pants and a cut off fluffy top that revealed a tangle of surgical steel through her navel. ‘He’s a fucking has-been, so why are we even talking about him?’ It was clearly her party.
Zeke Michaels, unexpectedly, rallied to the defence, although it was clear he was very drunk. ‘Perri, my dear, what would you have us talk about? You? You might call Dex a has-been, but I’ve no doubt his next album of releases and remixes will outsell yours by the thousands.’
‘Hope he enjoys the royalties,’ the girl shot back, her cheeks slightly red beneath the eyes. It must have been a furious blush to fight its way through the pan-stick. ‘Just who does get all the cash if a musician absconds, Zeke?’
It was a good question, Jay thought. She wanted to ask it too. She’d have liked to mention Julie and her children. Perhaps Zeke Michaels didn’t even know they existed.
‘Why worry?’ Michaels said, smiling coldly. ‘You’ll have enough pennies to play with yourself when Karma Crash hits the stores.’
Green Suit, Baggy Boy and Carmen Leonard all tittered and the young American looked cornered. She might be a spoiled brat, but Jay felt for her. At least she had the guts to ask awkward questions, and even more importantly think those questions up in the first place.
‘You might think I have an empty, pretty little head,’ snarled the singer, ‘but without me, and people like me, you parasites wouldn’t have a job. I keep you in coke and Armani suits. I pay for parties like this.’
Oh yeah?’ Michaels looked annoyed now. He swayed a little, and champagne slopped over the rim of his glass. ‘Without people like me, you’d be a nobody. Married with two kids when you’re twenty-three, and dreams of fame while you watch pop stars on the TV. What is given can very easily be taken away.’
The girl laughed, even though her heart must have begun to beat just that bit faster. ‘Oh Zeke, you can’t ever see inside me. I could be married with kids, but music’s in my soul. You can never take that away. I’ll write and I’ll play until I wave the world goodbye. I know success is ephemeral. It’s a joke. Don’t expect me to be grateful. You people gnaw away at artists, and we eat from your gilded bowls. You can make us and break us, but without us, there’d be no industry. I think you should remember that more often.’ With dignity, she stalked away.
Jay applauded, laughing. ‘Good for you, Perri!’
‘Prima donna,’ murmured Green Suit, rolling his eyes.
‘Temperament,’ added Michaels, shaking his head and grinning. ‘Think they know it all. She’s just a kid.’
Dex made a noise of disgust. ‘Pompous, sexist git. He would never have dared to speak to me like that.’ He shook his head. ‘Still, little Perri’s wrong, isn’t she, about how the music industry needs musicians?’
Jay nodded, her mouth set in a grim smile. ‘Yeah. They can be grown in vats nowadays, and their music born in the circuits of computers.’ She chuckled. ‘Maybe dear old Zeke is thinking this very moment whether he can offer that naked model a recording contract.’
‘Perhaps, when Perri is on the scrap heap, they’ll pay her to provide the voice - anonymously, of course.’
‘Computer graphics could see to the video performances.’
They held each other’s glance for a moment, then slapped palms. ‘It’s a deal!’
Dex put his hand beneath Jay’s elbow to move her away from Michaels’ clique. ‘Find Perri, one day, Jay. Don’t let the plague get her.’
Jay glanced at him. ‘What do you mean?’
He smiled. ‘Those of us with integrity should stick together.’
‘Then you find her,’ Jay said.
Dex did not respond to this. ‘Well, this little knees-up is just about perfect for what I wanted you to see.’
‘Which is?’
‘My actual presence is not required in the world for Dex to exist in it. I have become virtual.’
‘And so have I, it seems.’
‘You’re already returning, Jay,’ Dex said. ‘I’m sure that by morning, you will have adopted this old familiar reality as your own again.’
Jay’s shoulders slumped. ‘It’s bizarre, but now I’m not even sure that’s what I want.’ She looked up at Dex. ‘I want to keep a bit of Lestholme in my life, the peace, the pace of life.’ She paused. ‘The people.’ Jay sighed. ‘They live in delusion, in a bubble, protected from the realities of life. Yet it’s something that all of us crave at some time.’
‘Perhaps you don’t have to step out of reality to find it,’ Dex said.
‘Why say that? You did.’
He shrugged. ‘I’m not as strong as you, and never will be. I think your Lestholme lives inside you, Jay. That’s the way to find your own Utopia.’
Jay smiled sadly. ‘If only you’d thought that when you made the choice to walk out of my life.’
‘I made a decision not to involve you in my problems. Perhaps that was unfair to you, but we can’t undo the past.’
‘No.’ Jay narrowed her eyes and looked around the room. It was time she found out what had happened in her absence. If Dex was right and she’d soon be a part of this world again, she must call Gina as soon as she was able. Face the music.
She turned to tell Dex her decision, but found he was no longer beside her. She scanned the crowd, but could not see him. Had he vanished for her already? She couldn’t believe it. There was so much they’d yet to discuss, not least Julie’s future, never mind Jay’s own. ‘Dex,’ she hissed. ‘Are you here? Dex?’
It was like waking from a dream to discover she’d been sleep-walking to a strange place. The noise of the party rose around her in a hungry roar. Everyone appeared to be moving faster than normal. Jay fought a sudden dizziness, and began to move towards the door. She didn’t want to manifest in front of these people.
The door was in sight. She had only a few feet to go. Outside, she’d be able to breathe more easily, consider what she should do. Two people came to stand in the doorway, looking around the room before they joined the party. It took Jay a moment to recognise them, then a current of shock fizzed through her. It was Gina and Gus. Together. Jay stood only inches away from them, yet they paid her no attention. Gina’s hand was tucked through one of Gus’ arms. ‘Gina!’ Jay exclaimed, and Gina turned in her direction, frowning, but clearly couldn’t discern who’d spoken her name.
‘What’s up?’ Gus asked her.
‘Someone called me,’ Gina said, her face perplexed. ‘Weird, but it sounded like Jay.’
‘Jay?’ He sounded horrified.
Gina shrugged. ‘It’s OK. It can’t be her. I must be imagining things.’
‘Why can’t it be her? You don’t know...’
‘Relax, babe’ Gina said, licking her teeth. ‘She won’t be here.’ She kissed Gus on the cheek and began to drag him into the room.
Jay could not assimilate the implications of what she’d just seen and heard. She was filled only by crimson anger. Lurching forward, she screamed, ‘Bitch!’ and slammed her fist into Gina’s face. Gina jerked backwards, pulling Gus with her, who cried, ‘What the fuck?’
People around them smirked knowingly. Someone said, ‘Peaked too early, Ginny?’
Gina picked herself up, bewildered and furious. Her face was crimson.
Jay dashed past her, down into the lobby of the club. She didn’t look back, but ran into the lane and from there to the busier street
beyond. Traffic hissed up and down damp tarmac, lights dazzled. Overhead, the high buildings of the city seemed to rock like the masts of moored ships. Jay felt sick, furious. How long had the relationship between Gina and Gus been going on? Images flashed through Jay’s mind: Gina, the epitome of concern after Jay’s trouble with ‘Track’; Gina solicitous and caring. A lie? Jay hugged herself. She felt so cold, and now a soft, icy drizzle was falling. What now? She couldn’t look upon Gina as an ally. The only person she felt she could call upon now was Grant Fenton but, even if she could make her presence known to him, she didn’t relish having to explain her situation. He would tell people. She didn’t want that. But what other choice did she have, alone in London at night, with no place to go?
Jay began to walk down the street, her mind awhirl. She felt she could no longer rely on her memories. Had Dex ever been with her? Was Lestholme real? She shook her head and uttered a soft groan. She wanted to go to Julie, but Dex’s sister lived so far away. Still, Jay could catch a train, even if it meant hanging around Euston all night. Would her credit cards still work?
The street was crowded, despite the weather. Jay moved instinctively in the direction of the station. People pushed her without realising it. Somebody grabbed her arm, and for a moment, Jay thought she must be visible again. ‘Wait. Where are you going?’
She looked up into Dex’s face. ‘I thought you’d gone,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t find you.’
‘I went outside. You were following. Then you just took off up the road.’
Jay shook her head, confused. ‘No. That is...’ She paused. ‘Gus and Gina were there.’
‘I saw her,’ Dex said. ‘Did you try to speak to her?’
Jay shook her head. ‘No. She was with Gus, Dex. This puts a different slant on things.’ She put her hands on his arms. ‘Please don’t disappear for me again. Right now, you’re the only friend I trust.’
‘I didn’t mean to,’ Dex answered. He frowned. ‘But if I did, perhaps it means I have no control over it.
Jay released his arms. ‘We won’t let that happen. If it requires will-power, we’ll give it will-power.’
He smiled uneasily. ‘OK. So, where were you headed with such purpose? Is there something you want to do?’
Jay considered. ‘I was thinking of trying to get to Julie, but something else has just occurred to me. You said you still have a key to our flat. Have you got it with you?’
He studied her. ‘Yes.’
‘I want to go there. I want to see what’s happened.’
‘OK, if that’s what you want.’
Jay glanced at him. Did he suspect this would be as fruitless a task as trying to find Lorrance at Lestholme? ‘Of course, it might have been sold. Other people could live there now.’
‘That’s a possibility.’
‘But I want to find out.’
They used the tube trains like any other people, except they didn’t have to pay. They clambered over the turnstiles at each station, beneath the eyes of station attendants. There were certain advantages to living the life of the lost.
Jay felt strange walking back up the familiar street. She thought it should look different somehow, but it didn’t. Lights still shone reassuringly from behind blinds and drapes. Empty milk bottles stood on porches and cars slid by, their windscreen-wipers working furiously. Jay and Dex were soaked with freezing rain.
Jay spotted Gus’ car, a fashionable four wheel drive vehicle, parked outside the flat. At least it appeared he hadn’t sold the place and had most likely moved back in. Jay stood at the bottom of the short flight of steps while Dex went to open the door. After a few moments, he turned around. ‘Looks like the locks have been changed.’
Jay slumped against the iron railings. ‘Fuck and damn! We might have guessed.’ She straightened up. ‘In that case, we’ll have to go round the back, break in. So what if someone hears? They won’t see us.’
The alley between the buildings was in darkness, although when they reached the rear of the building a security light came on. Clearly, they possessed some degree of solid presence in the world. Jay picked up a discarded wine bottle from the top of an over-flowing dust-bin, and broke one of the flat’s back windows with fierce, precise blows. Dex stood with folded arms, a few feet away. Jay suspected he didn’t think this was a good idea, although he offered no opinion.
Jay hoisted herself up onto the window-sill. ‘Are you coming?’ she asked.
Dex hesitated, then came forward. ‘OK.’
One after the other, they dropped into the warm, dark silence of their old home.
It smelled different. Jay didn’t want to turn on a light, but by the dim radiance of the outside security lights, she could see that her kitchen had changed. For a start, it was a mess, and there were new bits of crockery stacked on the draining board unwashed. The smell was of stale food and strong perfume. Issy Miyake. Gina’s scent.
Growling beneath her breath, Jay stalked into the living room. Coats, magazines and newspapers littered the chairs and sofas. There were more dirty plates on the floor and the coffee table was smeared with sticky rings. Jay recognised items that belonged to Gina: a pair of shoes, a pool of silver chains and pendants on the table. She made a low noise of disapproval and anger.
Dex came into the room behind her, exhaled slowly. What must it feel like to him, coming back here again? How many times had he been here before, unseen?
‘This is vile,’ Jay said. ‘I feel like I’ve been burgled.’
Dex said nothing. Jay went into the bedroom, cast her glance over the un-made bed, wrinkled her nose at the smell of sweat and unwashed socks. Her Japanese kimono, which Dex had brought back from abroad, lay in a careless, crumpled heap on top of the bed. Gina must have been wearing it.
Jay felt beyond emotion. She marched out into the hallway and hauled out a large canvas bag from the cloak-room. Then she returned to the bedroom, where she began stuffing some of her possessions into the bag. Dex still said nothing. Jay was unsure whether he felt awkward on her behalf or his own. ‘Go into my workroom and see if there’s any money lying around,’ she said, ‘or my passport, anything. Check the desk drawers.’ She wanted to claw something back from them, take what was hers.
Dex left the room without speaking.
Jay stood still for a moment. She moved to the untidy dressing table and picked up a gigantic bottle of Gina’s perfume. She weighed it in her hands. It oozed an odour of betrayal. Tight-lipped, Jay emptied its contents over the bed and threw the bottle on the floor. Then, she picked up one of Gina’s bright red lipsticks and scrawled ‘Friend’ on the mirror. From the wardrobe, she took an elegant black evening gown that she used to wear at only the most glitzy functions and arranged it on the bed, so that it looked like a deflated body. Diamante on the single shoulder strap glittered coldly in the blue light.
Dex reappeared in the doorway. ‘Bounty,’ he said, holding out a foot-square wooden box. ‘All your personal effects appear to have been stuffed in here, bank statements and so on, even a replacement credit card, and also your passport. Oh, and three pounds fifty in change.’
‘Surprised they didn’t burn everything,’ Jay said. She stood, hands on hips, looking down at the bed. ‘I feel like that bitch has tried to steal my life.’
Dex put down the box and curled his arms around her. He didn’t say anything. It reminded Jay painfully of the time when they’d been together. He’d never been a great talker. Gus had always been full of opinions, but Dex had simply been a pair of arms, a sense of empathy that needed no words. For a moment, Jay let herself rest her head on his chest. Then she raised her face to him. ‘I don’t know what to do now. Do I go to Grant or Julie? Do I try to tell people what happened to me? Apart from Julie, everyone will think I’m mad.’
Dex’s gaze was steady. ‘There’s something I want to do.’
‘There is? What?’
‘You’re not afraid to face reality, Jay, or the past. It’s not just about guts, but about caring.
I want to go back to the forest.’
Jay knew at once what he meant. ‘You want to find that boy’s body, don’t you?’
He nodded. ‘Yes. And when I do, it will be evidence you can do something with.’
Jay took a deep breath, held it. ‘I see.’ She sat down on the edge of the bed. ‘Dex, the body is pretty useless as evidence without your testimony. Would anyone believe me if I said the information had come from you? Where’s the proof?’
‘Maybe that doesn’t matter. He should just be found, that’s all, buried properly.’
‘That would ease your conscience, I can appreciate that, but perhaps you should think more about exposing Lorrance. Face this thing with me. I’d help you, you know that, and your presence and support would help me. If we go public, surely it would give us a kind of immunity? If anything happened to us, it’d be too obvious who was responsible.’
Dex turned away. ‘You don’t know those people. They’re capable of anything - and of getting away with it. They’d most likely find a way of discrediting us.’
Jay sighed, slightly impatient. ‘Dex, we should take back our lives. I’m prepared to face up to things. Why can’t you?’
‘You don’t know those people,’ he said again.
Jay stood up, went to him. ‘You’re afraid of them, I know that.’
Dex pulled away from her. ‘Don’t humour me. I was there, Jay. You weren’t. Charney is untouchable, I’m sure of it. I don’t want to risk stirring him up. You don’t know what might happen to us.’
‘You said yourself that things are changing,’ Jay reminded him gently. ‘Charney and Lorrance have enemies. Perhaps we wouldn’t have to make a stand alone.’
Dex stared at her in incredulity. ‘You’re prepared to take that risk?’
She lowered her eyes. ‘Dex, I only have your word these men are all-powerful. They intimidated you when you weren’t in your right mind.’
‘Jay, don’t say that!’ Dex snapped bitterly. ‘You’ve seen Lestholme. You know what can happen.’
‘I’ve seen people living in a sanctuary,’ Jay said. ‘I haven’t seen a fate worse than death.’