“You ever been there?”
“Can’t say I have.”
“Then how do you know it snows a lot?”
“I just do.”
Feeling guilty for eavesdropping, Kelly cleared her throat and stepped into the clearing. “I found plenty of kindling,” she said, dropping her armload of wood a few feet away from the fire.
“Mommy!” Jumping up from the log he’d been sitting on, Eddie ran over to her, dried leaves and pine needles sticking to the bottoms of his socks. “Buzz was just telling me about a R-M-S-A-R guy who jumped out of a helicopter and rescued a lady from the side of a mountain!”
Because she couldn’t resist, she knelt and pulled him into her arms. “Sounds like the same guy that fished you out of the river today, puppy face.”
He giggled. “I’m not a puppy face.”
God, she loved it when he smiled like that. She loved everything about this beautiful child, and she felt like the luckiest woman in the world every time she held him in her arms. “You’ll always be my little puppy face.”
“Even when I’m a hundred years old?”
“Especially when you’re a hundred years old.”
Pulling away from her, he mimicked the sound of a helicopter and circled around her, his arms stretched out like wings. “I’m going to learn how to fly a chopter!” He flew over to Buzz. “I’m going to be just like Buzz when I grow up!”
Kelly felt herself recoil. She knew he was just a little boy sounding off, but the words hit close to home, made her think of another little boy with a bad case of hero worship who hadn’t lived to see his twenty-first birthday.
“I set up the tent for you and Eddie.”
Buzz’s voice jerked her from her reverie. Kelly felt herself flush, then looked down at her hands. “Oh. Good. Thank you.”
“It’s a one-man tent. Pretty small, but the two of you ought to be able to sleep comf—” His voice cut off abruptly. The next thing she knew he was staring at her hands, reaching for her. “What happened to your hands?” he demanded.
Kelly looked dumbly down at her raw and oozing palms. “I was holding the rope when you slid down the ravine. It slipped through my hands. The rope must have burned me.”
He turned her hands over and grimaced. “Those are serious rope burns. Why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?”
This was the closest she’d been to him all day, and she was keenly aware of her heart beating too fast. Even though it was chilly, sweat broke out on the back of her neck. “I was just…preoccupied with Eddie.” She didn’t think it was a very good idea to tell him she’d been avoiding getting too close because she didn’t like the way she was reacting to him. There were too many complicated emotions zinging between them. Too many topics left undiscussed, and every single one of them was as volatile as a land mine—and twice as dangerous.
“Sit down,” he said. “I’ll get those burns cleaned and some antibiotic ointment on them.”
“Wait, Buzz.”
He stopped, then turned and looked at her over his shoulder.
“I’d like to get Eddie fed and bedded down for the night first,” she said. “He’s exhausted and hungry.”
He nodded. “I’ve got some jerky and a few protein bars.” He walked over to his backpack and pulled out several individually wrapped packages. “It’s not much, but it’ll hold us over until morning.”
“I don’t need anything,” Kelly began, “I just want Eddie—”
“Kel, there’s plenty for all three of us.”
Feeling awkward, she walked over to one of the logs Buzz had placed near the fire and sat. He joined her a moment later with the first-aid kit in one hand, the packages of food in the other.
She glanced over at Eddie who was amusing himself by swinging a length of kindling through the air. “Eddie, honey, come on over here and have something to eat.”
Eddie trotted over to where Kelly was sitting. “I’m starved,” he said, eyeing the packages in her hand.
“Jerky first, then you can have one of these protein bars.”
“Aw, Mom…”
“No arguments.” She unwrapped a small package of jerky and handed it to him. “Peanut butter or chocolate chip?”
Eddie considered the question with the seriousness of a doctor choosing a surgical instrument. “Chocolate chip.”
She handed him one of the bars. “And be sure to thank Mr. Malone.”
“He said I could call him Buzz.”
Kelly felt Buzz’s eyes on her, but she didn’t look up. Instead she concentrated on opening her own package of jerky, praying the subject of Buzz’s relationship with Eddie didn’t come up. She didn’t know what to say. Exhaustion had a way of magnifying emotions, and she was feeling downright fragile inside at the moment. “Just make sure you thank him for the food, all right?”
Grinning at Buzz with adoration in his eyes, Eddie bit into the jerky and tore off a piece with his straight little teeth. “Thanks.”
Buzz smiled. “You’re welcome.”
“This’ll make me strong, won’t it, Buzz?”
“As long as you eat the jerky first.” Walking over to his backpack, he bent. “I almost forgot to give this to you, Eddie.”
Kelly tried not to notice the way he said her son’s name. The way he looked at him, with a combination of wonder and amusement and pleasure. She tried not to notice the way he walked. The way those jeans hugged his lean hips and long, muscular legs. He was the only man in the world who could affect her just by the way he moved. Buzz Malone didn’t just walk, he strutted.
He straightened a moment later, then turned, a small teddy bear in his hand. “I guess you must have dropped this when you fell into the ravine.”
Eddie stood transfixed, his mouth open, his gray eyes wide with surprise. “Bunky Bear! Wow! You found him!”
“Hey, that’s why they call us Search and Rescue guys.”
The little boy darted forward, grabbed the stuffed bear, then threw his arms around Buzz’s hips. “Thanks, Buzz!”
Kelly’s heart turned over in her chest at the sight of her son hugging Buzz. She’d dreamed of it a hundred times in the last four years, but never thought it would really happen. That the situation was so impossible to resolve broke her heart.
“Sweetheart, it’s bedtime,” she said, hating it that her voice was shaky.
“Mommy, I’m not sleepy yet.”
“Do as your mother says, tough guy,” Buzz said easily.
Eddie eyed Buzz for a moment as if considering challenging him, then hung his head and started toward the tent. If Kelly’s heart still hadn’t been in her throat, she might have smiled or made a joke, but her emotions were strung so tightly, she didn’t trust herself to do either.
“I forgot to say g’night to Buzz.”
Kelly looked over at Buzz to see him nod. “Make it quick, kiddo.”
Grinning from ear to ear, Eddie charged the big man and without warning flung himself into his arms.
The momentum sent Buzz back a step, but he still managed to catch the little boy. “Whoa there, partner!”
“G’night,” Eddie said and planted a sloppy kiss on Buzz’s stubbled jaw.
Kelly saw Buzz wince, and her heart stumbled in her chest. Leave it to an innocent to show the adults how infinitely easy simple affection could be, she thought, and had to turn away to blink back tears.
A moment later, Eddie wriggled free of Buzz’s arms and darted toward the tent. “Come on, Mommy! Let’s check out the tent!”
Kelly couldn’t bring herself to look at Buzz, couldn’t bear for him to see the uncertainty she knew was etched in her expression. She didn’t want him to know how seeing them together was affecting her. Putting crazy notions in her head. Making her want things that could never be.
And long for a future they could never have.
Buzz lay a few feet from the fire with his hands laced behind his head and stared up at the swaying treetops and patches of night sky beyond. Smoke from the forest fire to the
north scented the air and skittered like low clouds over a yellow moon that sat on the horizon like a heavy-lidded eye. He should have been exhausted considering he’d had no rest, and very little sleep and food in the last two days. But his mind was troubled, his heart heavy, and he knew from experience that sleep wouldn’t come any time soon.
He’d relived the rescue a hundred times in his mind since it had happened. The first moment when he’d touched his son. The instant he’d put his arms around his small, cold body. The wave of emotion that had swept through him every bit as powerfully—and dangerously—as the churning water.
He’d tried hard not to let Eddie get to him. Buzz knew better than to get emotionally involved with this child who’d been thrust into his life. He knew all too well that the child could be swept out of his life just as swiftly. And Buzz would have very little say in the matter. He tried to convince himself he didn’t care one way or another. Buzz didn’t want children. Damn it, he didn’t. He was not father material. He hadn’t even made a very good husband, for God’s sake. And not a damn thing had changed.
Only it had. Everything had changed. His entire world had come crashing down around him, and Buzz was honest enough with himself to admit it.
A child, a young life of his own creation, a life he was responsible for guiding and shaping and, God forbid—loving—wasn’t something a man walked away from. He didn’t have the faintest idea how he was going to handle this, but it wasn’t going to be by running away. He’d never run away from anything in his life, and he didn’t intend to start now.
More than anything, Buzz needed to talk with Kelly. Away from Eddie’s sensitive ears because he had a feeling the conversation wasn’t going to be pleasant. He hoped they could agree on a mutually acceptable resolution. Do what was best for the child, because his well-being and security were what counted most. Buzz and Kelly hadn’t agreed on much in the years they’d been married, but Buzz knew her well enough to know she would put all of it aside to do what was best for their son.
Raising his head slightly, he glanced over at the tent. She’d been inside with Eddie for nearly an hour. Buzz had thought she would come out after the boy fell asleep so they could talk and get a few things straightened out. Not that the situation could be straightened out with a simple conversation, but it was a start.
Hell, what a mess.
Restless, he turned onto his side and faced the fire. He didn’t know what to say to her even if she did have the guts to come out and face him. What was he going to say? I want to be part of my son’s life? A part-time dad who takes him fishing twice a year and sees him at Christmas time? Watch him grow up through the photographs you send me from Lake Tahoe?
Frustrated and angry, Buzz shifted again and resigned himself to a long, cold and sleepless night. His back ached dully. He was hungry. Cold. The bruises he’d sustained while bouncing off boulders in the water throbbed with every beat of his heart.
“Are you awake?”
He sat bolt upright at the sound of Kelly’s voice. She stood a few feet away, her arms folded protectively in front of her, watching him. He hadn’t heard her unzip the tent flap and come out, and he felt a moment of panic because he didn’t have a clue what he was going to say to her.
His heart did a slow roll at the sight of her, then moved into a quick, unsteady cadence. “I’m awake,” he managed.
Hesitantly, she approached him. Firelight illuminated her features. Dark, serious eyes filled with the caution of prey approaching predator. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. Her face was smooth and pale within the dark frame of hair. She’d taken off her flannel shirt. The T-shirt and jeans she wore hugged her narrow waist and the curve of her hips.
“You want some company?” she asked.
He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to answer that, so he didn’t. The last thing he wanted to do was admit just how badly he’d wanted her to come out of that tent and talk to him. He wanted to believe it was because they had so much to discuss, but he knew at least part of that need wasn’t so cut and dried.
“How’s Eddie?” he asked.
“Poor little guy. He went out like a light.”
“He’s been through a lot.”
“We all have.” On reaching the fire, she stuck out her hands as if to warm them.
Buzz wondered why she wouldn’t look at him. “You’ve done a good job with him,” he said after a moment. “He’s smart as a whip and seems happy.”
She looked at him then, and he didn’t miss the quick flash of pride—of love—in her eyes. “Thank you. He’s an incredible little boy.”
“Why don’t you let me have a look at your palms now?” he asked.
As if remembering the abrasions on her hands, she looked down at them. “Oh. Okay.” She laughed. “They’re starting to hurt.”
Leaning over, Buzz rummaged in his backpack for the first-aid kit, set it on his lap and opened the lid. “Have a seat.”
Kelly lowered herself onto the log next to him and turned toward him.
“Give me one of your hands.”
He didn’t miss the hesitation when she held out her hand. As impersonally as possible, Buzz took it in his and turned her palm up so he could look at the wound. “This must have hurt like the dickens.”
“I barely noticed when it first happened, but it hurts now.”
He risked a look at her. “You did good today, Kel. Throwing the rope the way you did was a smart thing to do. You stayed calm. You kept your head.”
She smiled wryly. “Are you trying to tell me I saved your life?”
“Not just mine.”
She looked away, blinking rapidly. “Don’t give me too much credit, Buzz. I know you wouldn’t have let go of him. No matter what might have happened, I know you wouldn’t have let go of him.”
About that, he thought, she was right.
“This is going to sting a little bit.” Opening a small container of peroxide, he saturated a gauze pad and drizzled it liberally over her abraded palm. Kelly didn’t so much as wince. Her hand was small and cold within his. Her knuckles were scraped. One of her nails was turning purple.
“Feel okay?” he asked.
“It hurts like hell, but I’m too damn tired to scream.”
He smiled a little at that, but didn’t look over at her. He could feel her gaze on him, but he didn’t take his eyes off her palm. He didn’t want to make eye contact with her when he was this close to her. They might have failed as husband and wife, but it hadn’t been for lack of chemistry.
“Today must have been…hard for you,” she said after a moment.
“I’m not sure hard is the right word.”
She winced, but Buzz didn’t acknowledge it. “I don’t know how to handle this, Kel,” he said. “You walked out on me five years ago. Now suddenly you’re back. Only now I have a four-year-old son. That’s a lot for a man to absorb in just a couple of days.”
“I don’t know if it makes any difference now, but I’m sorry. It was wrong of me not to tell you.”
Buzz finished with her right hand, then started on the left. He was very thankful he had something to do with his hands, something to look at besides her eyes.
“It makes a difference.” He looked up at her, felt the impact of her like the front end of a truck traveling at a hundred miles an hour. “But it doesn’t change the situation. We’re the same people we were before the divorce. The same problems are there. Only this time, when all is said and done, I can’t just forget I have a son.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to do that.”
“I don’t know how to be a father.” He remembered the way he’d felt when that little boy had wrapped his arms around him and kissed him with such open affection and felt a knot of emotion form in his chest. “I’m not sure I’m cut out for that. But I’m not going to walk away.”
“I won’t keep you from him,” she said.
“It’s going to be a tad difficult for me to be involved in his life when you’re in Tahoe.
”
“That’s a twelve-hour drive from Denver. A couple of hours if you fly.”
“You’ve put me in an impossible situation.”
“I don’t expect anything from you, Buzz,” she said quickly. “I don’t expect money. I don’t expect you to love him. I don’t expect you to forgive me.”
Anger rumbled like thunder in his chest, and he held onto it like a lifeline. It was better than the other emotions pounding through him—and a hell of a lot safer. Any emotion was better than the sharp-edged need, the stark sense of loss, of betrayal that cut him every time he thought about what she’d done. Not only to him, but to their son. An innocent child who might never know his father because she hadn’t seen fit to tell the truth.
“You may not want anything from me, Kel,” he began. “But I’d like a few things from you.”
Her hand jolted within his. Her gaze fixed on his, and in their brown depths Buzz saw emotions he didn’t want to see, didn’t want to confront. He felt those same emotions tangle and snap inside him.
“I’d like some answers,” he said. “I’d like to know why this happened. Then I think we need to figure out what the hell we’re going to do about it.”
Chapter 12
K elly had dreaded this moment for five unbearable years. She’d known all along that eventually she would have to face him. Buzz would somehow find out about Eddie and she would have to own up to what she’d done, confront the man she’d lied to. The man she’d betrayed and cheated and hurt.
The man she’d once loved more than life itself.
Heart pounding, she sat silent and still and watched him, unseeing, as he treated the rope burns on her palm, wondering how he could function, how his hands could be so steady when the world around them crumbled and shook. She could feel the tension coming off him, like steam off a geyser in the seconds before it blew. Her own emotions trembled inside her, locked in her chest, ready to explode outward at the slightest touch.
Because she was shaking, she waited until he was finished treating the abrasions before attempting to speak, using those few precious moments to gather her courage and shore up defenses that were far too battered to do her any good now.