“Oy.” Josh winces. “The same aunt who lives below?”
“The very one. Tante Juliette is friends with his maman, and they invited us both to brunch last winter, not telling us that the other one would also be there. It was humiliating. But, oddly enough…we clicked. We dated quietly for a few months.”
“Dated quietly?”
“We didn’t want to tell our nosy families that their plan worked.” I pause for a well-timed grin. “So we didn’t.”
“Did anyone know?”
“Of course. Kurt knew. And Sébastien’s friends.”
“So…what happened?”
My gaze lowers. “Turns out, he wasn’t a nice guy. He didn’t really like Kurt.”
“I’m sorry.” Josh winces again. “How serious were you guys? Before that?”
“You mean did we have sex.”
He’s taken aback by my bluntness. He ducks his head, abashed.
“Yes,” I say.
He tries to cover his surprise. Again. I suppose everyone at school assumes that I’m a virgin – that is, if they don’t already think I’m banging my best friend.
“But we were never serious-serious,” I explain. “I mean, when you grow up half French, it’s not like sex is this big taboo. And, yeah, you have to be careful and you need protection and blah blah blah, but it’s not that American Puritanical be-all, end-all. You know? Sébastien was the only one, though. I don’t want you to get the wrong—”
“No.” He shakes his head rapidly. “I know.”
A long pause. “How about you?”
“The same. Just the one.”
The wind picks up, and I rub my bare arms. “But you loved her.”
“I thought I did.” Josh stares out over the city. “And then I knew I didn’t, and she knew she didn’t, but we stayed together, because…I don’t know why. Maybe because we thought we should be in love. At least I did. I wanted to be in love.” He looks back at me. “Have you ever been in love?”
“No.” Yes. With you.
A motorcycle passes on the road below. We listen until its guttural roar fades away. Josh glances at me, and then he double-takes. “You’re shivering.”
“Oh, I’m fine. I like the chill.”
But he’s already on his knees, removing his coat. He swings it up and around my shoulders, and the weight of it stuns me in more ways than one. My body weakens with lust. The coat smells like citrus and ink and him.
“I saw you that next night,” he says.
“Huh?” My eyes open. “What night?”
“Last summer. I went back to the café at midnight the next night, and I saw you there. I knew it was a long shot, but…I had this feeling you might be there. And you were.”
I know that feeling. I had that feeling. “Why didn’t I see you?”
“I never went inside. I saw you through the window, and you…”
“I was with Kurt,” I finish.
“So I kept walking. I felt like such an idiot. If only I’d known, I wish I’d known. You’d been so funny and flirty, and—”
“Flirty?”
“Yeah.” He grins. “I could kinda tell you liked me.”
“Ohmygod.” I’m mortified.
“No! It was cute. Trust me, it was really, really cute.”
“Yeah, nope. I want to die now, thanks.”
“No. I’m serious. I always liked you, but I thought you didn’t like me. You would never talk to me. So I didn’t think you were even an option, and then I got together with Rashmi, and that was that. But I realized last summer that you’re just shy.”
Back up, back up, back up. “You always liked me?”
“A supersmart hot girl who reads comics? Are you kidding? You were definitely on my radar.”
Hot. I’ve been upgraded to hot. No one has ever called me hot. Cute? Yes. Adorable? Yes, often, and it makes me want to punch them. I didn’t know short girls could even be hot. I thought I’d been permanently relegated to elfin-pixie-child status.
“Well, bloody noses.” I hug his coat tighter. “Those are definitely hot.”
Josh buries his head in his hands. He moans. “I can’t believe I did that.”
“I believe the laws of physics did that.”
“And my chin.”
I laugh. “But until that last part, it was pretty great, right? I mean, we had actual fireworks. Talk about a credits-rolling, happily-ever-after kind of a kiss.”
“If only I could take credit for those.”
“You know…you can always try again.”
He raises his head. “Setting off fireworks?”
“A second first kiss.”
“I think that’s just called a second kiss.”
I bump my knees against his. “Are you seriously going to make me ask again?”
“Um. No.” Josh quickly leans forward.
“Unless.” I put a hand on his chest. “Are you sure? Because. If you don’t want?”
He smiles. “You’re ruining our second first kiss.”
“I just…wanted to make sure,” I say.
“I’m sure.” But he stops before he reaches me. “Wait. Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure.”
“Okay. So we’re both sure.” Josh smiles again. He places one hand on each side of my face. His fingers are cold, but I warm beneath their touch. We stare at each other for several seconds. His smile fades, and then, slowly, he leans over and kisses me.
It’s a gentle kiss, lips slightly parted. Soft.
Josh pulls back a few inches. He studies my forehead. My cheeks. My chin, my ears, my nose, my lips.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“I wanted to know what you look like up close.”
“Oh.” It comes out like a breath.
“You have freckles on your eyelids,” he says.
I close my eyes, and he kisses them – one delicate kiss on each lid. His nose trails down the side of mine, and his mouth comes to a rest above my own. My arms wrap around the back of his neck. Our lips meet with more urgency. More exploration. We kiss until it can no longer be called kissing, it’s definitely making out, as his hands slide underneath the coat and around my waist.
We sink into the blanket.
Our fingers are in each other’s hair, and his breath is in the hollow of my neck, and I wish the world would swallow us here, whole, in this moment. And that’s when it hits me that this – this – is falling in love.
Chapter eleven
We kiss on the stairs, on the streets of the Right Bank, on the bridge over the Seine, on the streets of the Left Bank. We kiss until our mouths are sore and our lips are numb. It’s so intense that I don’t realize my feet are blistered until we’re only a few blocks away from the dorm. I pop off my heels on the steps of Saint-Étienne-du-Mont, a church across from the Panthéon, and release a pained hiss of relief.
“Blisters and a bloody nose.” Josh sits down beside me. “This went well.”
I smile and kiss him again.
“Those shoes are insane,” he says.
I wiggle my red feet. “Maybe they were a bit much.”
“Your footwear tends to run on the exceedingly tall side. You know we all know you’re short, right? It’s not, like, a secret.”
“Hush.”
“I like that you’re tiny. I like that I could carry you around in my pocket.”
I shove his arm with my shoulder. “I said hush.”
“And if we ever vacation together, you can sit on my lap to save airfare.”
I shove him harder, and he laughs. He tries to push me back, but I’m faster, and he tumbles against the steps. He laughs even harder. I do, too. “You deserve that,” I say.
“And now I’ll pay my penance.” Josh jumps to the ground and faces his backside towards me. “Get on.”
“What?”
“You can’t walk in those shoes, and the streets are covered in broken glass.”
“I’m sorry. Are you offering me a pigg
yback ride?”
He sighs in fake exasperation. “Will you just get on already?”
“Just because I’m short doesn’t mean that I don’t weigh anything.”
“Just because I’m skinny doesn’t mean that I can’t carry someone short. You’re what, five one?”
“Yeah.” I’m surprised that he guessed it exactly. “What are you?”
“Six one. So there.”
“Freak.”
He grins at me over his shoulder. “Get on.”
I stand, my heels in hand. “Okay. You asked for it.”
Josh squats down, and I climb on. It’s like trying to mount a thoroughbred. He hops in a way that bounces me up higher, above his waist, and I settle into him. My arms wrap around his shoulders. His hands rest above my dress, holding on to my lower thighs.
“Ah, I see. This was all a clever ruse.”
He heads towards our dormitory. “A ruse?”
“To get under my dress on our first date.”
The back of his neck instantly warms. “I promise it wasn’t.”
“Mm-hm.”
His neck grows even hotter. I breathe in his scent deeply, delirious with happiness. In the distance, Paris is still celebrating, but our own neighbourhood is quiet – the only sound, his footfalls. “You know my friend St. Clair?” he says after a few minutes. “He’s only a few inches taller than you, and his girlfriend, Anna? She’s taller than he is.”
“Kurt only likes tall girls. Maybe it’s made me paranoid that all guys might prefer partners closer to their own mouth height.” It feels strange to confess this aloud.
“I’d like to point out that we’ve had zero problem reaching each other’s mouths.” There’s a smile in his voice. I smile back against his neck.
Josh walks the next few blocks in silence. Unfortunately, it’s not actually comfortable to sit like this, and – judging by his laboured breath – it’s not comfortable to carry me, either. But he gallantly piggybacks me all the way to our dorm, through the empty lobby, and straight to my door. The dismount is awkward, and we’re both in at least moderate pain, but it doesn’t matter. Our lips find each other again. He’s out of breath, but he pushes me against my door until it bursts open. We collapse into the room.
Kurt blinks at us from my bed. “You really do need to fix that door.”
Sunday is Josh’s only detention-free day, and he texts me right as I’m waking up. I’m glad we remembered to exchange numbers. I squeeze my phone and roll over in bed.
“Watch it,” Kurt mumbles.
“He says good morning.”
“It’s the afternoon. Tell him he’s wrong.”
I text Josh a good morning in return and suggest that he ask for next Saturday off, too. After all, that’s his Sabbath. Winking smiley face. He texts me back a long line of exclamation points followed by a WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT??
I hug Kurt. “He likes me. He liiiiiiikes me.”
“Duh.” But he settles into my hug. “I’ve missed this.”
“Me, too.”
Last night we cheated on the rules. Nate was out for Nuit Blanche so Kurt decided to stay in. Which worked out perfectly, because it meant that I got to rehash every detail of every second of my date. Until I was told to shut up.
His eyes widen. “Half of your nose is purple.”
I scramble out of bed and lunge towards the mirror. Damn. I gently prod my nose, wince at the tenderness, and sigh. “At least it’s proof that yesterday really happened?”
But Kurt is already thinking about today. “I have a history essay due tomorrow, and you need to study for that calculus test. Do you want to work here or in my room?” And then he grins. His room is disgusting, and I refuse to hang out in it. Tidiness – in his bedroom, in his school bag, in his appearance – is never on Kurt’s agenda.
I lean in closer to my reflection. “I don’t know. Josh and I didn’t make plans, but it seemed kinda understood that we’d hang out.”
Kurt clambers off my bed and puts on his hoodie. “That sucks.”
“You suck.”
“I’m about to bring you breakfast. I’m so far from sucking that you can’t even handle it.” And he slams my door shut behind him. I wait for it to pop open, but – for once – it doesn’t. He kicks it back open. We laugh.
“Back in ten,” he says.
Every Sunday, we have fresh baguettes from the boulangerie two streets over. I remove a jar of Nutella, a knife, and two antique jade mugs from their designated drawer and turn on the electric kettle. A heaping spoonful of instant coffee mix – Kurt’s favourite, unpalatable American brand – is added to each cup. And then I return to the mirror. My nose resembles a small eggplant. Even with a thick layer of concealer, the proof of our date will last for at least a week.
Kurt returns as the kettle dings. Our routine is meticulously orchestrated. He’s pouring the water into our mugs when there are two knocks, low on my door. The sound gives me an instant jolt. A hit stronger than caffeine. But Kurt looks at me in confusion as if to say, I’m already here?
“I could let myself in,” Josh says, in cheerful spirits. “But I won’t, because that’d be rude. Also, you might be getting dressed, and that’d be—”
“She’s dressed,” Kurt says. “Come in.”
I yank open the door before Josh gets the wrong idea.
“Hey,” he says. There’s an uneasy pause. “So I guess you’ve stopped propping this open?”
I actually, literally smack my forehead. “We forgot! I can’t believe we forgot.”
Kurt slides over my physics textbook with his foot, and I shove it underneath the door. “Nate was out last night,” he says, “so I stayed over.”
Josh enters the room, but his arms are crossed. Unsure. “You slept here?”
“Yes,” Kurt says.
I smile grimly. “Not to be a cliché? But it’s really not what it sounds like.”
Josh uncrosses his arms. “No, I know.” He shakes his head and starts to cross them again, but he catches himself. His hands move to his pockets. “I should’ve called. I thought you might want to get some breakfast. Lunch. Whatever it is. I’ll come back—”
“No!” I say. “Join us. We have bread and terrible coffee. Yeah? Huh, huh?”
“You do make it sound tempting.”
My smile softens. “Come on. Stay.”
Josh returns the smile, at last. “Fine. But only because I feel sorry for you. Clearly an angry gang member punched you in the face last night.”
“It’s astounding what one chin can do.”
Kurt studies us from the bed as if he’d chanced upon a pair of wild beasts in their natural habitat.
Josh’s expression falls. “I’m sorry. Does it hurt?”
“Stop apologizing.” My smile widens as I drop a spoonful of powdered coffee into the Oktoberfest stein. “I only have two mugs. Sorry.”
Josh sits in my desk chair. “You stop apologizing.”
I add the hot water and give him the stein. He grins. I take a seat beside Kurt and thrust half of my baguette at Josh, who protests with a waved hand. I insist. He accepts. We’re bordering on uncomfortable silence territory.
I’m relieved when Josh turns to Kurt. “You know, there’s something I’ve always been curious about. I once saw your name written down on a list in the head’s office. Your full name.”
Kurt sighs. Heavily. “I was born the week Kurt Cobain died. My parents were friends with him, so they named me in his honour.”
Josh freezes, Nutella-smeared knife mid-air. “They were friends with him?”
“My dad is Scott Bacon. He was the lead guitarist for Dreck.”
“The early nineties grunge band,” I say. “They had that one hit, ‘No One Saw Me’?”
“Yeah.” Josh shakes his head. “Yeah, I know who they are.”
“The song made him rich and famous, and that attracted my mother. She was a runway model here in Paris,” Kurt says matter-of-factly.
Josh freezes again.
I always forget how surprising it is for people to learn about Kurt’s parents. It seems like he should come from a family of neurosurgeons or astronautical engineers, but the giveaway is that – underneath the unkempt hair and messy wardrobe – Kurt is handsome. Strangers often mistake him for an athlete, because he’s tall and angular and muscular. But he’s only in shape because he hates mass transit and walks everywhere. I wonder if his appearance is another reason why Josh thought we were dating.
“But their relationship isn’t like that,” I explain. “Kurt’s mom had her own money. They married for love, they’re still together.”
Josh takes a huge bite of bread and talks before swallowing. “I can’t believe they knew Kurt Cobain. That’s so cool.”
I used to watch Josh in the cafeteria, and he’s always been a sloppy eater. I feel oddly pleased to see this bad habit up close. Maybe because it reminds me of the Josh that his friends knew – the relaxed, barriers-down, inner-circle Josh. Or maybe because it reminds me of Kurt, and Kurt is safe.
“No,” Kurt says. “It blows. I was named after a guy who committed suicide. Also, people assume I’m this huge Nirvana fan, which isn’t even logical, because it’s not like I named myself.”
“Do you like them at all?” Josh asks.
“No. We can switch names, if you want.”
“Kurt Cobain Wasserstein.” Josh says it slowly and laughs. “Nah. Doesn’t have the same ring.”
“Kurt Donald Cobain Wasserstein. You can’t forget his middle name. I can’t.”
“Which would make you…Joshua Elvis Aaron Presley Bacon.”
Kurt startles. “Are you serious? That’s your middle name?”
Josh’s stone countenance makes me snort with laughter.
“Isla, is he serious?” Kurt asks again, but then he reads my own expression correctly. “Oh.” He wilts. “Never mind. You were just…”
But then a perfect moment occurs as Kurt straightens back up. He grins.
Josh points a finger. “You are not going to say it.”
“…joshing me.”
Josh clutches his chest in agony as Kurt explodes into loud belly laughter. My heart might burst from happiness. Josh shakes his head. “I’m only letting you get away with that because I’m trying to make a good impression on your lady friend, okay? My real middle name is David.”