Lucian turned to Steve and shrugged. "I agree. We'll figure it out."
I held back a snort, shocked to hear the words out of his mouth. I knew Lucian was leery of the preacher but after seeing how he treated his wife, yes, his wife, I knew he was fine. All bark. No bite. Especially seeing that he'd saved Lucian's life. I was willing to forget for the moment he'd also been the one to put it in danger. But I didn't want to knock Lucian's protective instincts either. They were too funny. And sexy. And adorable. And since the Preacher seemed to fare no better than Lucian in injuries, it made it even more okay. He even seemed to glue his own wounds shut too. I was sure that was moronic.
"What about financial angles?" I put my hands on my hips. "These girls may be money driven."
Lucian grinned and Steve nodded with vigor, pointing at me. "Finally, somebody with a lick of sense. And unlike some of you people," he pointed at Lucian, "I was up all night figuring out just such an angle."
"Really," Lucian said. "And how'd you manage that without internet?"
He gave him one of the weirdest smirky grins ever. "I thought a-head that is how. I downloaded off-line materials to study for la-ter." He clipped all his words with a sass that had me grinning and loving Steve more than ever.
Lucian nodded and slapped him on the arm. "Good job man. That was fucking smart."
"Damn right it was," Steve said, pulling out a square of paper and working it open.
"Hold that thought, Mr. Steve," the preacher said standing, "time to saddle up."
Steve looked at all of us, back to panic. "But what about the products, we haven't even selected which to present."
"Bring the entire box. Select on the way." Preacher kissed Becca with a traffic-stopping dominance that left her looking like a flower after sustaining hurricane force winds then headed toward the car. Quickly recovering, Becca caught up to him and put a black cap on his head in reverse, making him look like the bigger twin brother of Vin Diesel.
On the way to destination humiliation, Lucian and I went through the 'suggested toys' while Steve talked his sales angle. I had to hand it to him, he'd come up with a nearly flawless investment plan. I held up a strange item. If we could sell any of this weird crap! "Umm…what might this be?" I whispered to Lucian.
Lucian took the semi-large item still in clear plastic. "Male latex enema pants? What. The. Fuck?" His face crimped in horror as though imagining.
"Looks kind of like my Gramma's umm… thing she used to use to…"
"Douche," the preacher helped loudly.
"Dear Lord of Jerusalem in the third heavens," Steve whispered in horror at it. "Let me…find the product description for the unholy contraption. God help us but we'll need to know the comings and goings of all this debauchery to find the perfect angle."
We all stared at him, knowing he didn't catch a single innuendo he'd just spoken.
He found it in the list and gasped. "Oh, for Pete's sake you're kidding me! Pee in your butt?" His mouth hung open, his eyes huge with a mixture of confusion and horror. "That is…unequivocally…Isn't that…like… you get a disease from that!"
Preacher took the item from him and opened the window. "Fucking bullshit," he mumbled, throwing it out. He jabbed a pointer finger at the box. "We're selling to a vanilla crowd, not freaky-fucking-town. Find suitable shit."
It wasn't the first time I'd seen a hint of appreciation in Lucian's expression toward the domineering preacher. He'd probably be shocked by the similarities between them if anyone ever bothered to tell him.
Steve's horrified gaze latched onto the box between us. Like a child needing to touch the dreadful thing to see if it were real, he slowly reached in and lifted up an item. We all watched him.
"Heated…hot lips mastur…" He threw it down like a viper and covered his mouth with a hand then pointed at the box. "I thought it was a deformed penis," he rasped. "Like…somebody took a hammer to it before the silicone set properly. Saints-all it looks like an un-holy snot-ball from the devil's crotch."
The preacher let his laughter rip until we all went into a round of hysterics.
"I can't do this," Steve said above the commotion. "I'll never feel clean again, I'm already down on confessions, it'll take ten life-times to manage the penance for this. I have gambled my finances away, my family, and now my soul."
The horror he felt at the atrocity of his imagined sins struck sense into me and I managed to reach out and console him. "Steve. Stop, this is not your fault, you're here to fix that, remember? You are going the extra mile to do that."
"Into hell!" he hissed.
Thankfully everybody was quiet now.
"Steve," the preacher called. Steve didn't look his way and my heart lurched at his tears. Shit! "Steve!" preacher said louder. "Brother, look here."
"I can't," he whispered, focusing his gaze out the back glass. "I'm a rotten failure," he whispered.
Tears leapt into my eyes at hearing the normally sweet man curse that way.
"What the fuck?" Lucian picked up an item. "Hey Steve, check this out."
He turned and Lucian tossed the opened contraption on him. Steve took one look and jumped out of his seat in hysterics, throwing it across the car right into the preacher's face, who whacked it onto the floor.
"Lucian!" I hissed, holding back laughter while he howled hysterically.
Steve was nearly on his knees on the seat. "What is that?"
Lucian retrieved the horrific thing and held it up. "Looks like the ugliest hairy vagina I've ever seen."
Preacher yanked it from his hand, opened the window and threw it out. "Keep going."
"Dear God!" Steve hissed, eyes wide as saucers still. "It was like that hand on The Addams Family. Only… a vagina."
"You guys are running out of time," Preacher said. "We're nearly there."
"Okay, okay." I dug through the box. "Since we're selling to girls, let's go with girl toys."
Lucian rummaged through the items and quickly began taking several out and handing them to me, calling out their names.
"Wow," I mumbled. "You're…like a sex toy pro."
"I'm pretty familiar with this junk."
"Junk indeed," Steve whispered with hostility.
We finally drove up at the building and Steve looked at his watch.
"So, what's the plan?" Lucian looked around.
"Oh now you want to know?" Steve hissed.
"Um, it's kind of necessary at this point," Lucian said.
"Well, I did secure a meeting with one of the sisters. Miraculously!" he added.
"And?" I asked, when he didn't go on.
"At one o-clock."
We all looked at our watches.
"In fifteen minutes," Steve helped.
"Perfect timing, bro." Lucian patted his shoulder. "You got your speech ready?"
"Me!" he cried.
"Well, would you prefer to handle the show and tell?" Lucian waved a dildo in his face and Steve whacked it away.
"I'll handle the sales pitch of course!"
"Perfect," Lucian said. "Tara and I will handle up on the show and tell." He wiggled his brows at me with a sexy grin and I punched his arm.
"This is not a game, Lucian, we need to win this."
Steve opened the door. "I need air."
Lucian winked at me. "Let's work on our act." He put the items we'd selected back in the box.
"We can't go in with a box Lucian," I cried.
He paused and looked at me. "You want to stuff our pants? We don't have anything else."
"I have my purse." I climbed toward the back of the car and fetched it behind the last seat then brought it to him. I dumped the contents onto the seat and opened it for him. "Load her up."
He grinned while stuffing my purse to the brim with various toys, managing all but two. I found one of the catalogs, rolled it up, and handed it to him. He took it and put it in his back pocket and we scooted out of the car.
Leaning back in the door, Lucian glanced at the preacher and s
aid dryly, "Guess you'll be in here praying."
The preacher gave a slow grin. "You guessed exactly right. Now go score."
Chapter Ten
Those last words of unspoken threat followed us as we exited the limo. As soon as the door was shut, Lucian mimicked the preacher's words in a whiney voice adding mememememeeee followed by, "Fucker."
We headed into the store, following Steve, who walked with a crisp step. I noticed that he had a slight limp I hadn't seen before. Shorter leg?
"Steve seems to know what he's doing," Lucian muttered, following closely.
"What's our plan?" I asked.
"Well, we'll just let Steve give his pitch then decide if they need to see anything or not."
"You say that like you're pretty sure they won't get to that point," I mumbled.
Steve looked around then asked directions from one of the passing workers then made a beeline to the right side of the store.
We entered a hall and watched him look at the doors we passed until he stopped at one with the plaque Manager on the center.
"This is it," he whispered, taking a deep breath and releasing it with a hee-hee-hee, eyes closed. They popped open just as Lucian reached to knock only to have his arm karate chopped by Steve. "Back up," he hissed. "Let me do the talking." He tugged at all the edges on his suit jacket then smoothed his tie before raising a hand to the door and delivering three sharp knocks.
He sliced his gaze to us, wearing his craziest face ever. Jesus, they'd think he was as psycho as he looked. I pointed to his face, fighting to convey the issue and his look faltered with concern over what I might be implying.
"Come in," a female voice barked from behind the door.
Steve's eyes widened and he opened the door, face transforming from scary to completely sane looking. What a class act he was.
"Ms. Chase? I'm Steven Harrison with Gladiator, Inc. the nationwide renowned adult entertainment corporation? I'm so very thrilled and pleased you agreed to meet with me on such short notice." Steve reached a hand toward the frumpily dressed girl who stood and shook his hand.
There was no fear in this woman's face, no uncertainty. She was in complete and utter control, making the frumpy appearance seem way out of place. Exclusive designer business attire, trips to some elite salon, and an ultra-modern office in a corner suite of a New York high rise wouldn't be out of place for this woman either. She was the sort other women despised, never out of her element.
"My sister informs me that this is an adult toy line? What exactly are you proposing?"
Uh-oh. Judging by her cool tone, she might think we were selling bowling balls and rock climbing gear.
"Well I am so very thrilled that you're receptive to this," Steve said, turning a happy, that was easy look at us. "We've brought a few samples," cuing the show and tell team into action.
"Why not give her the sales angle first?" Lucian suggested.
I agreed with a nod. "Yes, the sales pitch, definitely."
"I've no doubt the sales won't be an issue." The woman sat back down and looked between us. "Talks of a line of adult themed toys has been in the works for quite some time. But I am curious to know what products you have?"
"Of course you are," Steve again waved his hand, cuing us on stage.
"Alright then," Lucian clapped then turned to face me, taking hold of the purse and holding it between us. I looked in his eyes and found the same alarm I had in mine as he shook his head barely while rolling his eyes in a this is going to suck.
"Is the zipper stuck?" Steve said.
"Yeah, getting it. Stupid thing always jams," he said, unzipping the purse. "I'd like to present you one of our best sellers, Ms. Chase," Lucian fought the giant silver bullet dildo out of the package and turned with it. "Slick Silver. The ladies love it."
I bit my lower lip and watched the woman's expression as she studied the toy with harshly drawn brows. "What…does it do?"
"Well," Lucian turned it on and it began to buzz like a pair of clippers. "It vibrates."
"Rather loudly," Steve muttered, scratching at his wrist.
"Maybe it's a faulty one," I said.
'That's not promising," the lady said. "I still don't get what it does. How is that a toy? What do you do with it?"
Really?
"Right," Lucian shut it off and handed it to Steve before turning to me. "How about this baby." He ripped the real life looking dildo out of the package and turned with it.
The woman gave a sharp gasp and I stepped up and took it from Lucian, not wanting him to be selling rubber dicks to another woman. "This here is called…hey… Alex." I cleared my throat loudly only to bring up a bit of phlegm that lodged in the pipe. "It is the top seller among…" I cleared my throat again, more loudly, "among single women. Lonely…single women."
"Dear God." I glanced at Steve's lowered head, shaking with a hand visored over his brow.
Lucian stood with his head lowered as well.
"Is this a joke?" Ms. Chase finally choked out.
I tried to recall our angle. "Not at all," I fought to get the dildo back in my purse. "I mean… adults were once kids and well maybe they'd be um, a little less cranky if um, they had…had toys too." I noticed Lucian trying to get my attention with his gaze. He kept lowering it down then widening his eyes. I looked at my purse to see the head of the stupid dick sticking out of the top.
"Ms. Chase!" Steve nearly yelled, snapping his fingers to get her attention. "Please let me demonstrate the revenue that you stand to gain." Steve unfolded his square of paper, hands trembling like a drunk coming off a binge, completing our little deranged circus act.
"Please leave," the woman said. "I don't know what to say, this is… is this some kind of joke? Did Alissa put you up to this?"
Steve stood there with mouth open. "I'm so very sorry Ms. Chase, I really do realize how very unusual this all is. The truth is, we're playing this game."
"And that's a wrap," Lucian said, clapping Steve on the back.
"I was thinking if I told her," Steve whispered like she couldn't hear.
Lucian turned him. "I was thinking we'd be sorry if you did?"
"We're very sorry for wasting your time," I said.
Lucian whipped out the catalog and put it on her desk. "In case you change your mind."
"Get that garbage off of my desk, sir."
"Of course," Lucian snatched it back up. "Maybe we can leave it in the lounge?"
"If you'd like to be arrested. Yes, go right ahead."
The look on her face said she prayed he would so she could call the police.
We all headed to the door like three naughty school kids leaving the principal's office after getting caught trafficking drugs. Nobody said a word as we made a speedy exit to the limo that was nowhere to be found in the parking lot. Really?
"There!" Steve nearly shouted as he walk-ran toward it.
Lucian and I followed as quickly as we could without looking like we were making a getaway after robbing a bank.
We all climbed in to face the next principal, the preacher. None of us said a word as we drove off and we all avoided the ever penalizing gaze of the preacher.
"I swear to God," he mumble growled, "if one of you doesn't open your mouth in five seconds, I'm going to have you all severely disciplined."
"It was a flop," Steve blurted, clawing at his thigh through his pants. "An utter, humiliating, flop." He turned to Lucian. "You should have never brought out that second one."
Lucian gave a half laugh. "She didn't know what the first one was, did you expect me to ask Tara to put on a demonstration, or what?"
Steve gasped. "No! But you didn't need to bring out that realistic penis. My God, it was bigger than a donkey's in a pasture of virgin… lady horses."
Lucian sighed and sat back. "Maybe if you'd made it clear upon setting up this meeting that adult toys wasn't baseballs and hiking gear."
Steve balked. "And do you think she would have agreed to meet us had I done that?
No, she would not have, mister. At least this way we'd had a semblance of a chance." Steve leaned and gave me a sympathetic look. "And you did fine by the way, this is not your fault."
Before I could respond, Lucian laughed dryly. "Well it's not my fault."
"So no sale?" The preacher interrupted. "At all?"
"She um," I scratched the bridge of my nose. "Kicked us out. Thought it was a prank."
"Threatened to call the cops if I even left a catalog," Lucian said. "Frigid little cunt."
I slapped him in the arm.
"She was!" Lucian cried.
"Son-of-a-bitch," the preacher mumbled. "Now I'll have to take it out of your hides."
We all looked at him now.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Lucian asked.
"It means you all will be disciplined. A no sale means no points. But it's not the only way I can earn points. I can't sell products, but I do have a set of directives worth points." The preacher said it so very nonchalantly but the hair rose on my arms in response.
"Like what?" Steve's tone was suddenly tiny and hesitant.
'Yeah, do tell, preacher." Lucian put his arm around me.
"You'll see soon enough, son."
Chapter Eleven
We all sat in the car, waiting to see what our 'discipline' would be. Better not be anything stupid toward Tara. Or Steve for that matter. He could do what he liked to me, but he needed to recognize I wouldn't stand for bullshit outside of those parameters.
We rode in silence and the Preacher got on his phone and mumbled, "Stop at the first fine restaurant you find." He shut the phone, and slid his thumb across his nose like a bad coke addict habit.
We finally pulled into a parking lot and the preacher reached in the box and tossed the package containing a blow up doll to me. "You'll be having dinner here. All of you. At the same table. With your guest." He pointed to it.
I looked down at the package with a confused frown.
"Humiliation is a discipline. I think having dinner and lively conversation with a blow up doll pretty much fills the bill, don't you think? I see Steve thinks so."