“I...don’t..want. You.” Jesus, that was hard.
“One more time, say it again, and I won’t put my mouth on you. I won’t taste that mouth of yours and all the nerdy things that come out of it. I won’t tangle my tongue with yours, stroke it, lick it and suck it like I want to. Say it again, Sera. Do it for me, baby.”
Hunter wants an answer. I keep looking at his mouth, up to his eyes, only to go back to his eyes. Fuck, I want to taste him. I want Hunter to have my first kiss. But God, I’m going to be awful at his, so I have to stay strong.
“I-I... I don’t want...What?” SHIT.
“Good answer, baby. Now, bring that sweet mouth closer, and let me kiss you.”
My nerves are live wires, sparking and spitting energy. My throat’s dry, my gaze going fuzzy as his mouth gets closer and closer to mine. Right now, in this moment, Hunter’s my world.
I breathe in his scent, the way it winds around in my chest, making my heart squeeze down and triple its timing. His big, warm hands stay on my face, and the way he holds me – like I’m worth being held with the gentlest of touches – has another sweet ache furrowing in my chest. Breath is a thing of the past - I’m concentrated only on what will happen next – when and how long his lips will be in contact with mine.
His breath tickles my lips and it hits me that we’re sharing air, as close as two people can be. I’m suspended in this moment, the beat of my heart the only music I can hear. I’m not sure what’s happening on the TV, or the rest of the room. I’m blind, deaf and mute – waiting, waiting, waiting for him to kiss me.
A kiss I’ve been waiting for all my life.
I’ve blanked on all my protests; I can’t think. Hunter’s initiated me into this world where feeling is the one true law, like gravity. Instead, my language will come out in touch, like the way my thumbs are still grazing the insides of his wrists on either hand. Or the way my mouth waters to taste him.
I want. I’m crazed with it that I can’t think enough to stop this – to stop the hurt that will come when he’s done with me.
“Daddy!” Matty’s alarmed call comes from his room. “Dad?!”
I jerk, wrenching my head out of his hands. The residual warmth stays on my cheeks, even as I order my hands to unwind themselves from his wrists. They’re having trouble listening to me – assholes.
“G-Go...” I sound like I’ve gone and swallowed gravel, my voice husky and soft. Hunter’s hands twitch, like he just might pull me back and kiss me anyway. God, I know I’ll let him, I’ll let him do anything he wants.
That’s why I can’t let it happen. I’m going to be torn to pieces, and whatever game he’s playing here, I’m going to be the idiot who gets checkmated. No, thanks.
With a frustrated sound deep in his throat, Hunt gets up from the couch, jostling me with his agitated movements. I hear murmuring in Matty’s room.
I take the coward’s way out – I grab my keys and get out of here.
I’ve never been brave a day in my life – I just slog through, like everyone else. Why would someone like Hunter MacLaine want me? Maybe he needs some sort of medication for his mental health.
Back in my bed, I wait for yet another one of Hunter’s calls to go to voicemail. He stops after the ninth try, and I finally let myself fall asleep, hiding my phone under the sheets so I’m not tempted to listen to his messages.
I have to stay away from him. This is all some sick cosmic joke, God or something out there, taunting me with what I can’t have and shoving it in my face over and over again.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I try and think of anything – even Jaws to try to get him out of my mind. He’s branded me with his touch, poisoned me with his words of wanting me. He’s infected me; I’m plagued by his words, by the way he touched me. I twist and turn in my sheets, even getting up to drink a cold glass of water.
Sleep won’t come. Work is so going to suck.
***
I may not look like a zombie from The Walking Dead but my lack of focus sure makes me as dumb as one. I only leave the memories of Hunter touching my cheeks, bringing his face closer to mine when Katie drags her cup of coffee under my nose, the smell of caffeine bringing me back to reality.
“I didn’t take you out for lunch to have you ignore me the whole time, Sera.” Katie says, signalling to our waiter to come over. She orders me a cup of coffee, and a ice-cream slathered brownie that we’ll share for dessert. I’m about to tell her my ass doesn’t need the extra fat when the lifting of her eyebrows has my stomach clenching tight.
I’m in for it.
“What is going on with you? You’ve been my best friend for years, and now all of a sudden, you haven’t texted me in three days – so I can know you’re alive? Damn it, Delos, I thought the hottie neighbour had kidnapped you or something.”
I push at my dressing-drenched lettuce with my fork, making dressing art on my plate. I really need that coffee.
“And you’re so distracted I don’t even think you’re listening to me.”
“I’m listening,” I say, feeling a little guilty. “I’m just not in the mood to talk, you know?” I look up from my plate in time for our waiter to put our dessert in front of us with two new forks. I say bye to my leftover salad, and grab my coffee with both hands, staring down at the black liquid like it’ll give me the answers to my life (it’s not 42).
“What’s going on? Please tell me. I can help,” Katie says, her voice pleading. I swallow past the pain in my throat, wondering if I should tell her. She’s such a good friend, she’s going to color the reality that I live in, feeding that hopeful glow in my chest until it’s all I can see with.
I shrug, looking up at her. Maybe if I had her confidence. Maybe if I let my hair grow longer, wore heels every day, worked out harder – maybe then I’d understand this game Hunter is playing.
“Hunter almost kissed me last night.” There. I said it.
Katie’s shriek – I wasn’t expecting that. “Are you freaking kidding me? Why do you look like your dog died all over again? This is awesome!” She does a little dance in her seat, a wiggle of her hips, fingers snapping to a song that isn’t the one playing on the speakers.
“Why aren’t you shaking your booty? WHY are we drinking coffee? We need sangria! Or some Jack! Where’s the waiter?”
“God, stop what you’re doing.” I cover my face with my hands, taking deep breaths through my mouth. “This isn’t a cause for celebration.”
“Uh, yeah it is! Well, I mean, we could ply ourselves with strawberry daiquiris in celebration for the kiss that’s going to come. Oh! Are you seeing him tonight? Say yes and make my day, punk.”
“You’ve seen Dirty Harry too many times,” I inform her, trying to decide where I want to stab the brownie.
Katie snorts, taking a corner off and stuffing it in her mouth. Her eyes roll back in her head from the chocolate overload.“Sweet Virgin Mary that’s good. C’mon have some, Sera. I can’t eat this all by myself.” She snickers – we both know that’s a lie.
“I want to spend the entire week at your place.” I hold up a hand while she swigs some water – she’s gone and choked on the brownie. “Hear me out. I- I can’t be at my place for this week. What’s a measly seven days for your bestie’s frame of mind, huh?” I pull off a fake smile, pulling all the appropriate muscles into place. Katie stares at me long enough that I know she’s reading me better than the profilers from Criminal Minds.
“Did he threaten you? Hurt you? Does he scare you?”
“No, no and yeah.”
Her eyebrows get low on her face, and her lips thin out. “Does he hurt his kid? Any bruises? Does the little guy seem scared of him at all?”
“God, no. Matty loves him.”
Another corner of the brownie gone. Katie: two, brownie: zero.
“How does he scare you, then? I’m hearing a problem when there doesn’t seem to be one.” She licks the tines of her fork and I hear the two college kids sitting behind our booth give l
ittle groans. Katie smiles and keeps on licking – this time even more slowly.
I wonder what would happen if I tried that on Hunter. Like it’d even work.
“He...he says these things, and I get terrified.” Heart hammering against my ribs, I clear my throat to continue. “Like last night. He told me to tell him I didn’t want him, so I did. But then he kept insisting, Jesus, he wasn’t forcing me, K, but coercing me, if that makes sense.”
“You mean, he used his big, sexy body to his advantage, knowing that you like said big, sexy body? He has tats right?”
“Frak yeah, he has tats. And pierced nipples. And the blue eyes, and his fraking grin that makes prehistoric butterflies attack my stomach.” I groan, shove my hair behind my ears, adjust my glasses. “It’s just him. I... I really like him.”
Katie grins, and slaps my wrist. “You naughty girl! So he’s your Jax Teller?”
I shake my knee underneath the table, all my nervous energy in one tiny, spastic movement. For the love of the Winchesters, why do I feel like I’m the one that just told Harry he’s the last freaking horcrux?
“Yeah, he’s Jax without the gun-running, and the bike. Hunter’s an upstanding member of society even though I’m not really sure what he does for a living. That seems like an important question to ask. I know he grew up in those big fancy places in the West End. Bloody big house, K. There was a butler and everything. We dropped off Matty the other night when we went to dinner.”
“WHY am I only hearing about this now?” Katie plants her fork down and glares at me.
I ignore that. “I’m scared. Really, really scared.”
“Why?” Her hand squeezes mine on the table – my knee stops shaking. I hold my breath.
“He makes me want him, K. It’s all I thought about today – what my first kiss would’ve been like. I couldn’t sleep last night, imagining it over and over in my head. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I never thought I would feel like this for anyone. I’m terrified of getting hurt. I’m terrified of letting myself believe that he really wants to kiss me. That he wants me. Hence the attractive circles under my eyes.”
“Did you have to take a cold shower?” She snickers, giving my hand another squeeze.
“Shut up. I don’t feel like myself. I think about him too much, and Matty, and how much I love that little kid – and it’s only been a short time, and-”
“Stop! Miii, I’m getting anxious just hearing you talk. I don’t think coffee is such a good idea, after all.” She goes to pull away my mug, when I let out a snarl. An actual snarl. My family would be so proud. “Fine, keep that damn thing. See if I care.” Katie’s dark eyes go gentle. “I’m going to let you in on a secret – this is how it is with everyone on the entire planet. Whatever you’re feeling – completely normal, I promise.”
“What if he sees me naked and makes me leave? Oh God, what if he laughs at me? I’m going to have to move places, and my commute to work is going to be even longer and I’ll never get to see Matty again-”
Katie clears her throat, and gets me out of my vortex of negative thoughts with nails into the back of my hand. “You do this. You make yourself sick with that what ifs. You make yourself sick and you don’t live.”
Her words break my bones and make me bleed. They hurt so much.
“I don’t how else to be.”
“No one is telling you to sign your life away, Sera. No one is telling you to get hitched to this guy and his kid and be a family.” Oh God, that image gets burned into my brain as Hunter and I’s potential fantasy future together.
“You have the power here, and you always will. You could kiss him and it’ll be a total turn-off.” Katie looks supremely proud of herself for coming up with that.
“That’s not possible. It would defy the laws of physics if he’s a bad kisser. He’s like a god – maybe even Thor and Loki’s mortal half-brother. Did I tell you his last name’s MacLaine?”
Her body jerks, eyes going wide. “As in, ‘In McClane we trust’ from Live free or Die hard? This is... this is...God, I have no words. Wait ‘til I tell the guys. MacLaine? I can’t even deal with this right now. We need to stop talking about it. Seriously.” She starts digging into her purse for her iPhone.
“I’m not sure how to be with him in that way. I feel like I need to read books on how to kiss. I might even have to watch porn and re-read all my romances back home.”
“How many times do I have to tell you it’s instinctual? His mouth’s gonna move, then yours is gonna move back, and Mount Vesuvius will explode again, the Earth will rotate out of orbit from the sun, and the galaxy will switch its swirling direction.”
I frown. “A lot of people have told me this is not the case when they have their first kiss.”
Katie shakes her head. Here, she is Master Yoda and I am the untried and young Luke Skywalker, eager to learn. “Most of us had our first kiss with tons of people around us in an awful spin-the-bottle game, or in a musty closet at the age of twelve or thirteen. Nobody knew what they were doing. MacLaine,” she smiles and wiggles on her seat again, “oooh, that got me a little excited. Calm yourself, Delos, I’m joking. Or am I?” I just shake my head, ignoring it all.
“He’s older than us, right? He’s been at the game for awhile; he knows how to play, sweetie.”
“This is so not helping me.” The brownie I ate is congealing in my stomach. “If I’m just off the bench, about to debut in the NHL, how in hell am I supposed to play with him?”
“When this happens, I want details, sistah. De-tails. God, you lucky bitch. What a fine specimen he is. Shit, okay. Sorry, not sorry. Let him set the pace. Learn from him. Hell, drink a jack and Coke, minus the coke before you think he’ll try kissing you again. Blame it on the booze. Don’t get wasted – you’re a sad drunk – but just enough that you won’t care what he thinks.”
“I have to get drunk to kiss Hunter. This is so sad.” I cover my eyes with my hands, rubbing them, hard.
“You’re going to be fine. I don’t even know why you’re worrying so much. You wanna practice on one of the guys? They’re good sports, I’m sure they’ll be up to it.”
“Ack! No! What the hell is wrong with you to even suggest something like that? I can’t kiss any of them! I can’t even tell them I’ve never been kissed. No, no, no.” I shudder. “I’d ruin the whole friend-dynamic thing, and then I’ll never look at them the same way after that.”
Katie frowns, and stares at me. “Why are you so worried, really?”
I take a deep breath, let out the words that I’ve held close to my heart for years and years and years. “When you’ve been told your entire life you’ll amount to nothing, you’ll be nothing, you are nothing – what do you think you believe?” My breath is shaky when I let it out, and the pain in my throat won’t go away. I’m sick of crying, I’m sick of my life not being what I want it to be. “I’m trying to fight it off, to get myself to believe in something else. It’s so fucking hard, K. I’m just tired of fighting, I’m tired of it.”
“You know that I think you’re amazing, and great, and badass?” Katie’s words are soft, sweet. I keep my face tight, trying to stop whatever tears are forming.
“You know that I think you are such a good person and I’m so lucky to have you as my best friend? I’m telling you that you’re going to be alright, and everything will turn out in the end. This life, right now, with your family, your job – it’s not going to last forever even though it feels like it might. You’re going to find your passion in life, you’re going to find the man of your dreams but you’re going to have to trust in life, and what she’s going to bring to you.”
“I hate that bitch. Fucking up everything.” No tears. I sit straighter in my chair, looking up at the ceiling, forcing whatever remaining wetness in my eyes to go back where it came from.A hundred points to Gryffindor!
“I think it’s time to give up on old hurts, stop wrapping yourself in them.”
“What if he’s lyin
g to me? What if I’m just one of those girls, a piece of ass? God, and I have to live next to my shame? No, no, no.”
Katie just stops herself from rolling her eyes. “I don’t think he’s lying. I really don’t. A guy who wants pussy will take any pussy, doesn’t matter who it is. I was there that first night, remember? He didn’t even look at me, and I looked exceptional that night.” She grins at me, putting her fingers in her dimples, trying to coax me into doing the same. “I have an idea, but I don’t know how well it’s going to go over with the boys.”
“Shoot.” I drink some more water, munching on an ice cube.
“We all care about you – and, as a valid support system, I think you should bring Hunt to Alex’s housewarming this weekend. Leave Matty behind, though, let you guys be one on one. You’ll bake something amazing, and Hunter’s going to fall in love with you and propose on the spot. We’re all going to be there to witness it, so we’ll be part of the wedding party and you get your happily ever after.”
I grin at her, then try to forget about Hunter proposing to me. As if he can even try any of my baking. Bloody hell, the one thing going for me, and he can’t even enjoy the pastries I make.
But all in all, not a bad plan.
“Alright, can you ask Alex if it’s okay if I bring a guest? Uh, what the hell should I introduce him as?” I’m starting to get nervous again, my mind racing with potential scenarios as I walk into Alex’s door this coming Saturday. “I’m going to turn red, I just know it. Shit, shit, shit.”
“Stop sweating over the stupid little things. Ask Hunter if he wants to hang out with us this weekend. Nothing special – movies, beer and wine, cake, and good company. We’re not assholes, but you can bet your sweet ass we’ll be judging his every word. I swear this’ll turn out good. And you’ll have your answer about his intentions, alright?”
“I’m sure all kinds of other girls don’t make their friends do this shit.”