was alone – as always. Stooping, I reached to collect a small stone – my dry fingers curling securely around it. With what little strength I could muster, I cast it at the pool – relishing the momentary discord I was able to cause the surface.
I wasn’t sure how I managed to turn and face the direction of the eastern gate exactly, only that I was able to prod myself forward by alternating my breath with taking each step, one by one as I weaved my way slowly in and out of the rocky crevices that snaked back to the main road. Overhead, the sun became like a whip on my back – driving me forward in my search of shade, increasing ever so slightly in heat moment by moment. I was grateful not to have lost my scarf the other night during my brawl with the prostitutes – my scalp equally as relieved to be shaded by it as my mind was to have a covering for my face when reaching the city. Since it wasn’t yet at the hottest part of the day, I knew there would still be a good amount of traffic coming and going through the eastern gate – enough for sure to attract unwanted stares.
In passing through the yawning gates, my heart felt heavy – as if I were being lowered into a grave – despite my being able to duck inside fairly smoothly, since there was enough going on around the entryway for me to go unnoticed even by the sentries. The thought of passing Hesba’s house left me agonized, as I knew there was no other way to access the lower district – a place I now irrevocably knew I belonged. Her home stood steadfast and tall on the corner of the road descending to my district, her front windows looking out on all that passed – both good and evil. There was no hiding from Hesba; she always had an eye out for me. Turning down a small alley to avoid a group of women headed to market, I considered for the first time the idea that she might not be watching for me that day. Perhaps last night had proven too much for her to stomach – and if not too much for her, then surely too much for her children’s sakes.
Remorse over my thoughtless behavior bore deep into my bones, causing my entire body to ache. There was a strong chance now that I’d lost the only good thing in my life, having pushed my way too forcefully in. Knowing Hesba always watched out for me often filled me with a sense of embarrassment – at times even bothering me, but the idea she might finally have washed her hands of me caused me to shudder – despite the intensifying heat. In the absence of her singular awareness of me, the emptiness of the alleys, of the broad streets and city would suffocate me. If this were the case, I would reap neither the benefits of fully living – to have fellowship among others, or the benefits of being dead – to be left fully alone and in rest. Swallowing, I fought to calm my wild thinking – unable to remember a time I last became this deeply sad.
A few steps more and I reached the start of the road leading past Hesba’s house. I had to grind my teeth to spur myself forward, my feet becoming heavier the closer I drew. I dared not look at her house – at the windows to see if the shutters were pulled back, to see if anyone’s face looked out from inside – out into the dusty, hot road to watch me to pass. I walked with head held low and eyes turned away, slow enough not to draw attention to myself, but quick enough to escape in the shortest time possible. Only when I’d fully passed and rounded the bend of a corner did I breathe once more.
In pushing ahead, I considered that perhaps their shutters had been closed, like the front door – or that perhaps I made too much of it. I would never know because I had refused to look, and either way regardless, I knew now I would have to leave behind any cares I had concerning the matter – concerning them. I would have to station new boundaries in place – draw a line in the sand, since I evidently lacked self-control. I wouldn’t wait and check if a line had already been drawn for me. I knew finding out it had would be too much for me stomach.
I was surprised to find our street quieter than usual – no children running or dogs barking as I made my way past the low-built houses. A new sort of heaviness set in on me as I drew nearer our humble abode – my pulse beginning to quicken, my breath becoming shorter and less substantial, my walk starting to drag. Shaking gently to reorient my mind, I placed my hand on the latch of our door, pausing only to check the street before pushing it open. It swung with quiet ease – the dark interior within beckoning me coolly forward. Unable to move, my arms hung loosely at either side of me as I gazed ahead. I realized I didn’t pause for my own sake, but rather hoped some form of delay would occur, thus altering my attitude before my entrance into the home – for my mother’s sake. Standing in our door, after the manner in which the night had ended, I couldn’t be certain how I would act – what I would say, or do. I was unsure whether the madwoman I had become in my dreams last night was present with me now, unsure of whether or not my behavior could be trusted. Breathing deeply in with resolution, I moved inside – quick to close the door behind me.
I was grateful to reach shade at last, my skin cooling instantly as I gravitated inside the room – allowing my scarf to fall loose around my neck to better see my surroundings. Blinking rapidly, it took a few moments for my eyes to adjust to the dimness. With the solemnity of a temple priestess, I surmised the state of the house – the disorderly floor mats and cushions, a spilt platter of half eaten fruit and bread crusts, even a broke jar – the last one we had. I could feel the surging blood in my veins begin to slow as I shifted weight, my limbs becoming numb with lack of oxygen. Wordless I watched the curl of incense waft up into the air beneath the shuttered window.
Barely visible in the corner of the room, with skirt twisted revealingly in knots around her waist, lay my mother – sprawled out where she’d no doubt been left. Makeup smeared and dry and black hair tangled on either side of her face, she looked more like a witch than temptress. Moving quickly to open the window, I loudly cast back the wooden shutters – exposing the small room fully to the brilliance of day. Stooping, I at once began to tidy the room, nostrils flaring as I clattered dishware together – making no effort keep quiet.
Frightened, my mother stirred at once at the commotion I made, her painted lids opening wide to reveal her red, weepy eyes. At seeing me she lifted her hand feebly, beckoning me to come to her side.
“Tell me you brought water, Ishtah?” she whispered – voice raspy and weak. “I pray a thousand prayers to all the gods alike, you have water with you?”
I turned readily at hearing her speak.
“I have no water,” I spat in her direction – quivering. “There won’t be any water either, since I can’t carry it from the well. You and your clumsy guest broke our only jar. What do you want me to do, carrying it in my cupped hands – drizzle it in your open mouth and run back for more?”
Her dazed expression only angered me further.
“You can barrow one, surely –” her voice trailed off in melancholy.
“Run your own errands!” I snapped, choking back a sudden impulse to cry. With vigor I pointed at my cheek, feet carrying me swiftly to her side so she could see the scratches the prostitute had branded me with. “See what your fellow whores have done to your daughter? You can fend for yourself from now on – I’ll have nothing to do with you.” Shaking with emotion I moved away, knowing full well I spoke merely out of enraged stupidity and hopelessness.
Lips parting as I drew away, her eyes became instantly as crazed as mine – if not more. “He left me!” she shrieked – in a manner that halted my walk.
In an instant her sobs filled my ringing ears. Unwilling to return, I glanced only sideways back to face her. Rolling over to her side, I watched her body begin to heave as she wailed – tears already streaming from her eyes. The sound of her cries filled our home, occupying every nook and cranny – even the air I breathed. My lungs were filled with the heaviness of her sobs as I stood swaying in deliberation – angered, but also curious as to what she meant. Did it matter whether I stayed or went? It didn’t. Regardless, I knew there would be no escape. There would be no moving further away from her than I already was. If I went out into the streets, the sound of her crying would follow me down the road – throbbing in my chest. As
if by force my eyes looked back on her, my spine rigid at the sound of her guttural moans. I was incapable of looking away. With my spirit shattered in the dimness of our home, my feet carried me softly back, one step at a time, until I found myself kneeling beside her quaking form.
“All this – is done for you, Ishtah,” she babbled between sobs, adding bitterly, “And you think – I’m selfish.”
Feeling myself deny this with a shake of my head, I watched as both my arms extended to calm her – my anger crumbling as I felt her desperate shudders, her eyes sealed tragically and mouth gasping, like a small girl that had tripped and fallen. I’d never heard her sob so loud; it was scarce I’d even seen her cry before.
“He left me last night,” she murmured into my shoulder once her crying had slowed, referring, I presumed, to her favored lover.
“He won’t come back,” she added darkly.
“Did you quarrel with him?” I asked, perplexed.
“What difference does it make,” she answered woefully. “All men are like animals. They belong in the fields. Let them inside and they will rip up all you possess.” She took pause to wipe her face, flinching as