A God to Wed Her
by
Yamila Abraham
Cover by Archie the Redcat, Edited by Michelle Henson
Copyright © 2014 Yamila Abraham. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
PLEASE READ! This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. Please do not share it online or distribute it to others. These activities really hurt me!
***
I stood at the base of the mountain and used one hand to shade my eyes from the sun. My head had to crane back to take in the god Exinious’ fortress. It didn’t matter that the black thing had been in the background of my village all my life. It still put a knot in my stomach to look at it. The sharp dark towers grew upwards from the mountain’s peaks, forming inky capillaries that stained the sky.
“You should wear something prettier,” Senator Carrus said behind me.
I closed my eyes and tried not to lose my temper. What I’d worn was simply my deep blue smock, emblazoned with the symbols for health, renewal, fertility, and medicine. A dense fabric belt tied snugly around my waist and a hooded wool cape hung off my shoulders. I felt just as entitled to my healer’s uniform as the senators did to their long brown tunics.
“I have to climb a mountain, you realize,” I said.
“You also have to beseech the god that lives there,” Carrus said. He was barrel-chested with a full white beard. “His last wife from the village died six years ago. He may be ready for another. A pretty package might go a long way towards winning the lonely god’s aid.”
The suggestion made me cringe. “I’m not volunteering to be his latest sacrifice.”
Carrus put his gnarled hand on my shoulder. “Oh, but my dear—“
I jerked away from him like his hand was a hot coal. He gave Senator Diones an amused expression while I glared at him. I’ve told the old bastard before not to touch me.
There was no need for Senators Carrus and Diones to escort me to the mountain. Their page had called me to the meeting house at sunrise to demand an explanation for why I hadn’t cured the sixteen villagers dying under my care. My patients all had the same disease, the same weeping red boils and fever.
I’d built an astonishing reputation for healing both people and animals. Our leaders claimed my practice was one of the benefits of their regime. As a woman both fatherless and unwed I’d felt too vulnerable to refute this. But then, being the darling of my senators stopped the accusations of witchcraft made against me from ever gaining a foothold.
My obligation to them was never spoken, but they had no trouble presuming it at the morning hearing. Why were those sixteen people, one of whom the niece of Senator Rizee, getting worse by the day? I was making them look bad. I was betraying all the faith they had put in me.
There was a part of me, a small part since their judging eyes and loud voices made me cower, that wanted to spit at them. The bigger part of me was focused on my patients. Why couldn’t I cure those sixteen? I don’t know.
I don’t know.
My tinctures should cure anything. Everything. They always do. Even if I don’t understand it, I can cure it. That’s the gift I was given. Of course, I’d never admit I used magic to our leaders. Who knows when I’ll fall out of favor and have it used against me? I’d answered the only way I could. I’d claimed the god Exinious had cursed us and someone had to go to his fortress and find out why.
“Splendid idea,” they’d said. “You should head out right away.”
A nauseating terror had made me feel faint. I was in a trance as Carrus and Diones guided me out here. Once I saw that hideous fortress my quest felt inescapable.
“Ashla,” Senator Diones said.
I looked at him with the scowl that was meant for Carrus. The younger and infinitely more somber Diones didn’t deserve my anger. He was one of the very few men I found tolerable in the village.
“If you don’t start climbing now it will be dark before you reach the fortress.”
I drew in a deep breath and then let it out with a slump of my shoulders. He was right. I was being a fool to let Carrus rile me. I thought of my poor patients. They suffered in their illness and not even my powerful potions could ease their pain. I’d let this drag on long enough. Something drastic had to be done. Of course, the Senate foisted the responsibility onto me to do it.
I started up the first slope, letting more dejecting thoughts bombard me. Exinious was notorious for ignoring our pleas for help. I’d heard stories that made my face feel like it had been slapped. He’d told my maternal great grandfather that we were supposed to be his amusement, but had turned out boring and annoying just like the other society he’d made before us who’d died off.
I soldiered on despite the risk of humiliation. My treatment should have cured those people. There’s magic in my bottles, just as real as Exinious’ magic. This disease was unnatural. Even if he was unwilling to render aid, couldn’t he at least tell me what this abomination was?
The shriek of a bird interrupted my doldrums. The sound had been loud enough to reverberate through my skin. I froze while balancing my outstretched hands and feet on the boulder in front of me. The shadow of a giant bird swallowed my entire form. It blotted out the sun for far too long as it passed over me. My heart began to race with terror.
The monster hawk. I remembered a solitary lesson where it was mentioned in school. I reassured myself that if it ate people there would have been more focus on it. While I was thinking this, however, I remained frozen, too terrified to look up.
The thing shrieked again and I realized it was getting closer. Now I huddled down against the boulder and squeezed my eyes closed.
“Please, Exinious,” I whispered, “don’t kill me. They need me…I know you don’t care, but they need me.”
I heard a thump and lifted my trembling head slowly to look. On the terrace above me was a tall black cage shaped like a cylinder. There was a seat inside covered in glimmering red fabric. The cage door was open.
I saw the shadow of the giant bird perched on top of the cage. It took every ounce of courage I had to lift my gaze to it. The shiny blue-black feathers were more like a raven’s than a hawk’s. The red glowing eyes, however, weren’t from any bird I’d ever seen. The massive thing was glaring at me. I felt like my heart was beating backwards for a moment. Through my terror I managed to see that the beast was perched on a large metal loop attached to the cage.
So…he’s come to fetch me? I couldn’t imagine the implications, but I had to take this as a good sign. The only trouble was my paralyzing fear. If I could wield my limbs the only direction I wanted to go was back down, and as fast as I could manage. No one had prepared me for giant monster birds.
I felt like crying, but, as in all facets of my life, I strove to hold back my tears. It was instinctive by now: never cry, never raise your voice, don’t ever let someone accuse you of being weak. I suffered the villagers’ endless scrutiny as an unwed woman. Even the senators questioned why I was unmarried. “If you don’t want children, there are plenty of older widowers who’d have you,” Carrus, a widower himself, had said. My status as healer was as much an affront to our society as it was an asset. Oh, how they wished I’d had a father to order me to marry one of them.
My thoughts were rambling. I choose to think of anything except what I had to do.
I started climbing before I could talk myself out of it. I stoo
d on the terrace and peered into the cage. The strange fabric of the cushioned seat had to be from Exinious. I hugged my arms around myself and went in. I sat and latched the cage door closed.
The demon bird spread its massive wings and barraged me with huge gusts of wind as it took off. When the cage lifted I felt like my stomach stayed behind. I had to clutch the black bars on either side of me with white-knuckled fists and squeeze my eyes closed. I peeked a few times and regretted it. The height gave me vertigo. I had the horrifying vision of the bottom falling out of the cage and me dropping with it. Then I peeked just as we descended past the wall of the fortress. The bird glided down at a dizzying speed that made the cage sway. I curled down against my knees.
I felt a big bump, and then it was still. My body unfolded to behold a courtyard without vegetation. Where there might have been grass was instead gray stone. There were black tree skeletons bordered by circles of brick. The same dark brick created a round table with several benches. Who would ever want to sit out here? The dreariness was amplified by a gray mist clinging to the ground in scattered places. It was cold and my skin grew clammy.
The cage door let out a hideous creak when I opened it. I cringed at the loud noise. My sense of unease was so great I thought I’d anger the bird, or perhaps wake up some other monster living here.
I clutched my cape tightly around me and went down the stone path leading to the fortress’ dark arcade. As I headed toward it a figure emerged. I froze.
The god Exinious now walked toward me.
I’d given no thought to actually meeting him. He was so prevalent in our society I felt like I already knew him. Our creator. The ambivalent one. The passive watcher. The one who’d abandoned us. Neither good nor evil. A character in our history books. The subject of poems and songs. Occasionally worshipped, despite never showing any interest in our adulation. Often reviled for how little he cared for us.
He’d become a cartoon to me. Yet now, in his presence, I felt overcome.
I had no doubt he was our god. His magical aura made my breath catch. He was too powerful to behold, but I couldn’t pull my gaze from him. Exinious had the bearing of a man, but taller and more densely muscled than any I’d known from the village. Once I overcame his blinding presence I saw a striking man—a handsome man. His skin was white as chalk but was framed with pleasing dark hair in a flattering enigmatic style. He wore a gray waistcoat with large silver buttons. Over this was an impressively long black jacket, finer than anything our senators had. His tight breeches were brown and of a clinging fabric. They dove into long black boots with rows of silver buckles. His visage would have been entirely pleasing if not for his eyes. I’d never seen eyes so chillingly cruel. I felt naked in his gaze. Unworthy.
“You don’t kneel?” Exinious said once he stood before me.
My lips parted in bewilderment. I’d been so rapt I had to pause to decipher the words in my mind. Then I lowered with a flourish of my cape. I dropped to my knees in front of him, but went no lower. I looked up at him to see if this was what he wanted.
Exinious fixed those cruel eyes on me with a slight dip of his brow. “I didn’t say you had to kneel. I only asked why you didn’t. Most people do.” He gestured with three fingers for me to rise.
I obeyed clumsily.
“You arrived faster than expected.”
“You…were expecting me?”
He turned to lead me back toward the arcade. “I sent my bird for you.”
“Oh. Yes, of course.”
“It seems you climbed into the cage with little hesitation. You’re bold.” He glanced back at me. “But I already knew that.”
I blinked a few times. Now was when I should have asserted myself and my mission. ‘Five days ago people started coming down with a strange illness in the village,’ I should have said. ‘Do you know anything about it?’
But no. I clutched my cape close to my body and cowered in the trail of his aura. My spit felt too thick in my mouth to talk through.
“You may stay a few days,” Exinious said.
I followed him through the arcade, which was covered in black thorny vines.
“Stay? Stay here?”
“Yes.” He opened a domed door that looked like it was made of solid black stone.
“I can’t.”
He fixed his cold eyes on me, making me stagger back a pace. My dedication to my post was so strong the response came automatically. Now I realized I sounded defiant.
I drew my lips into my mouth to wet them. “I…I have to get back. I have sick patients. That’s…well, it’s the reason I came to see you.”
“I know why you came to see me. Your patients are recovering now.”
I blinked again with my lips parted.
“The sixteen men and women,” he said, as though I didn’t understand. “They’ll be healed by the time you return.”
My heart began to thunder again. I actually felt woozy, as though this were all a dream.
“You really cursed them?” I said softly.
He turned and continued walking. After several steps I knew he didn’t intend to answer me.
I was led down a long gallery. The paintings and sculptures it contained were of other gods like Exinious. I gaped at them like the unsophisticated child I was. I’d never seen such beautifully crafted art. Had I known there were other gods beside Exinious? I felt I had an inkling of this knowledge, but the god was fiercely private. Not much about him filtered down to us.
The gallery led into a large hall filled with dark blue and black furniture. A devastatingly high ceiling made me feel even smaller in Exinious’ presence. He brought me to a parlor area abutting a massive column and sat on a regal blue couch. Exinious crossed his legs and reclined back. He tipped his nose at the space next to him. I perched myself on the edge of the couch, touching neither the armrest nor the cushions behind me.
I lowered my gaze and focused on tearing my cuticles. An internal voice chastised me. Speak your mind, Ashla. He obviously wants you to. What points are you gaining by being so meek?
“Why did you curse the villagers?” I said without looking at him.
“To bring you here.”
I glanced at him, but only for a moment. “You could have just…sent for me.”
“That’s your response? You don’t ask why?”
I swallowed. I assumed the reason was because he wanted a new wife. “Those people suffered tremendously.”
“I was also testing you.”
I forced my gaze to remain steady on him. His cruel eyes seared into me.
“You, who can cure anything. I wished to see if you could rival even my power.”
I felt the color drain from my cheeks. “Of course not.”
“Who gave you this magic, Ashla?”
I turned away from him. What a fool I’d been to come here. It was cockiness—arrogance. His ploy hadn’t even occurred to me. I believed I was beneath his notice like all the villagers.
“I…I thought you gave it to me.”
Exinious laughed. I darted my wide eyes back to him. The laughter made him seem more human, but did nothing to help my unease.
“You lie so easily.” He smiled at me with eyes just as cold as ever. “You don’t think there are consequences for lying to me?”
I put my face in my hand. If only I could have willed myself away from here. My skin felt hot. My stomach muscles felt as though I’d wrenched them. I even wanted to cry, but no tears would come, not even if they might help me.
I felt a caress on my head. I lifted my face to see that he was stroking my hair. The touch was gentle enough not to startle me. His eyes looked kinder somehow, though still narrow and gray.
“Where’s your boldness, Ashla?” he said softly.
I spoke through trembling lips. “How can anyone be bold against you?” Stating this made me feel helpless,
but there was some liberty in that. For once I didn’t have to feel ashamed of my helplessness.
His face lightened even further. “It’s fine that you lied.”
My brow rose.
“Your secret is part of the reason you fascinate me. I don’t want anything to lessen my fascination.”
A cool wave of relief started in my middle, though it was still too unsure to release the tension in my shoulders.
“Will you take cativa with me?”
I was pleasantly startled. “Oh, yes. Please.” I hadn’t had any before starting out on my quest. It wouldn’t be long before I had a headache from missing it.
There was a short wide table in front of the couch. Without a gesture or even a glance Exinious made a full cativa set appear on it. Steam poured from a pot as reflective as a mirror and beside it were three bowls of seasonings which had been ground to fine powder. I pursed my lips to keep my mouth from gaping. It was breathtaking to see such magic, even for me, someone whose tinctures could coax a displaced joint back to its socket in less than a day.
I poured the brown liquid from the pot into two cups. Then I hesitated. I’d taken the female role of server automatically. It was something I’d refused to do for men (and women) visiting patients in my healing tent. When they asked me for water I pointed to the barrel and merely told them to drink from a cup rather than the ladle. Those younger than me didn’t question it, since they assumed this was the protocol in healing tents. Those my age to perhaps twenty years older were either affronted or amused. But those much older, the ones who’d survived plagues, humbly fetched their own water without complaint.
It was strange how it seemed fine for me to be Exinious’ server. He was so much greater than anyone I’d ever known.
“How do you take it?”
“Identical to yours.”
I obeyed while marveling at the fine cinnamon, sugar, and surat. Even the senators didn’t have a cativa spread this lovely. I considered this might have been part of an attempt to seduce me. As dreary as the fortress was, I already saw the promise of a life out of my reach in the village. I began to steel myself against Exinious with a bevy of rejections. At the same time I felt flattered and yearned to see this god try to win me. It was absolutely stupid, but also, my feelings surprised me. Men attempted to court me in the village all the time. My singular response was disgust and anger. How dare they try to throw their yoke over the neck of the village healer? I didn’t feel that same indignation now. There was a touch of excitement I’d never experienced before.
Exinious took his cup from me. “You lied to me out of fear and naiveté. I know there are energies in the universe beyond the powers of the gods. I presume you’ve tapped into some form of magic I was not aware of.”
I sipped while staring at him.
“You don’t have to hide such a thing from me, but I won’t press you. Once you’ve grown comfortable I’m sure you’ll explain your power.”
Now relief swept through me entirely. I felt as though I’d been rescued from steep cliff side ledge. With that matter put to rest I let myself sit deeper in the couch with my back against the cushions.
“If you’ve truly captured some magic, then you’re more intriguing than any other I’ve watched from your society. It must be fate that someone like you has come into adulthood right as I’m seeking my next bride.”
I cheered inwardly like a fool. It was a moment of triumph that transformed almost instantly to dread. Why was I happy he might court me? I couldn’t marry him. I was a selfish little girl, craving the flattery of a wealthy handsome man, with no intention of becoming his wife. How could I presume to lead on a god? I was better than this.
“My lord, that…that’s not why I came here. I could never abandon my post as village healer. It…it’s just not possible.”
“Save your rejection for an actual proposal. I’ve yet to make up my mind about you.” He examined the liquid in his cup. “Besides that, who says I’d force you to cease your work as healer? This fortress is not so terribly far.”
I felt stupefied. He was handsome, mighty, and reasonable? Now I dared to hope there wouldn’t be any flaw to his character that might repel me. He’d liberated me from my most formidable reservation.
“Your healing power isn’t the only thing draws my interest.” Exinious held his cup close to his lips, but didn’t drink. “I’m not sure if your other traits are benefits or detriments. What it’s going to take to determine this will test your limits.”
I felt a flurry of unease.
“There’s time enough for gentle coaxing. Provided you’re willing.” He sipped finally. “Let me share about myself, first. Do you wish to hear my story?”
“Yes.” I said, without hesitation.
“Then I’ll tell you, but with a warning. I don’t want my past to be recounted in your history books. If you tell anyone I’ll punish not only you but also the person you confide in. This is for you to know only.”
I nodded. “I promise I’ll never tell anyone.”
He smiled slightly. “I know you won’t.” He cupped both his hands around his mug and leaned back in contemplation. “So…where to begin? There are seven of us gods. Only three of us are goddesses. Of those three goddesses is a defiant tomboy. The other two are wed. Helder, the god of light, warmth, and paradise, and Fizu, the god of the harvest and a supporter of Helder, have wives. Egar, the water god, sometimes steals Fizu’s wife. She goes back and forth between the two of them. That left me to vie for Thina, the goddess of war, but in truth I’ve always regarded her as my younger sister. We’ve a sporting friendship that never veers towards romance. Thina is not interested in romantic love. If I ever dared press such a thing I’d destroy the respect we’ve built for each other.”
I felt riveted. I wanted to know more about Thina, but already had a picture of her in my mind. The fact that Exinious had earned her respect struck me.
“Helder is the oldest god, and was once the most powerful. I’m the second oldest, and came to be an equal to Helder’s power. We’re opposites in our godly virtues, and hence adversaries. I’m the god of darkness, cold, and oblivion. Our worshippers have warred. We have warred. But all this is ancient history. The universe needs us both, and because of that, we maintain a tenuous peace. It would have remained so, perhaps for eternity, if not for Thina.
“One day I wagered with Thina that I could steal Helder’s idol from his altar and replace it with the statue of a dog. Thina said that if I brought the idol to her she would vandalize it. I won’t explain the great lengths I had to go to in order to steal it. Just know that I only barely escaped Helder’s despicable fortress with the item.”
Exinious paused to sigh. “Thina’s company always brings out such wanton mischievousness in me. I didn’t consider what the consequences might be, despite having never concocted a crime so bold before this. I underestimated Helder’s cunning.
“He convinced the other gods that I’d committed an unforgivable crime. They banded together to capture and then bind me. I was brought to Helder’s fortress to be judged by them. Thina defended me zealously. She tried to free me from my bonds, but was herself restrained. Helder threatened to have us both punished if I didn’t accept responsibility. Of course, Fizu sided with his master Helder. Egar didn’t believe my crime so terrible, I’m sure, but still chastised me for provoking Helder. He conceded a vote against me. The two goddesses also voted in favor of my guilt. One was gullible; the other fears and despises me. I was sentenced to 1,000 years of exile. This world is my prison. The five gods who judged me combined their powers to ensure I’m trapped here. They’ve kept the location a secret from Thina.”
I touched my fingers to my lips. “How awful.”
A dangerous realization struck me. I shoved it out of my mind as quickly as it came in case Exinious could hear my thoughts.
“This world was nearly void. I moved into the territory with the most life and then amplified it. There were no people here. I felt I couldn’t bear my imprisonment without intelligent beings to engage me.”
He sipped again and then paused a long while. I worried that the story might have ended.
“That’s why you created us?”
Exinious shook his head. “No. That’s why I created your predecessors. I lived with them in the valley behind this mountain. I tried to be a good steward to my creations, but I loathed the tedium of parenting them. By the second generation I tried to withdraw. They were still unable to feed and shelter themselves. I did this for them, and I kept doing it until I could no longer stand it. I withdrew enough to make them fend for themselves, but still rendered aid when I felt a problem was beyond them. More often than not my aid only begat more problems and led to more dependency. I finally created my fortress and withdrew entirely. They suffered for a time, but then thrived. I was pleased. I thought I’d underestimated them. It didn’t take long for them hasten their own destruction, however. They stopped following my early teachings. They had famine. The ruling families built a ship and escaped by sea to seek new resources. The rest of them starved.”
I made a look of consternation.
“It took a long while to convince myself to try again. I placed your ancestors on the other side of my mountain, where the resources hadn’t been squandered. I gifted them with all the lessons I’d imparted on the last society and then withdrew, right at the beginning. Your people say I’ve abandoned them. This was the best thing I could do for you. You’ve already outlived my first civilization twice over.”
This caused warmth in my middle and made me smile.
“When did you start marrying?” I said.
“Ah, yes.” He resumed his contemplative posture. “A gangly nineteen year old girl climbed my mountain and invaded my fortress to demand I heal her father’s gouty foot. I refused her as I had all the other requests your people made of me, but she wouldn’t leave. Even when I expelled her by magic she climbed back up again and continued to badger me. I found her so amusing. She vacillated between begging me and cursing me. I’d never encountered such a persistent creature. On a whim I told her the only way I’d aid her father is if she became my bride. This finally got her to leave. I felt triumphant…until she returned the next day to inform me her father had given his permission and she now belonged to me.”
I laughed.
Exinious smiled also. “Fiona was a very adequate wife. She improved greatly over the years, both in her wits and appearance. There always remained a simplemindedness about her that I found charming. Then, just when I thought she’d become my perfect companion, she succumbed to her old age.”
My smile turned grim. I was touched.
“Eight years after her passing I became listless and courted a spinster who lived with her brother’s family. Temori was just as adequate as Fiona, though shorter lived. She passed six years ago.”
I sipped my drink in the silence that followed this. Exinious wasn’t choosey, and yet wasn’t sure he wanted me. Wasn’t I better than a badgering teenager or a mooching spinster? I shouldn’t have been so vain, I knew that. Yet I also knew I’d attained a high status in the village and gone to great lengths to educate myself.
“Tell me your life story, Ashla.”
No! I was stung by horror and shame. I scrambled for some excuse to deny his request, but any dissent would have been rude after how he’d opened up about his own life. A deep furrow formed between my brows. I felt too conflicted to speak.
Exinious eyed me. “Hm. Let me make it easier for you. Do you hate men?”
This was indeed easier. I met his gray eyes. “I don’t hate you.”
He smiled momentarily and then said, “Do you abhor being touched?”
This was more difficult. I pursed my lips. “Sometimes.”
“Now you’re being completely honest. It gives me hope. Would my touch repulse you, Ashla?”
I shook my head.
Exinious uncrossed his legs and slid closer to me. “How old were you when you started healing? Sixteen?”
My brow furrowed. “No. I discovered my…gift at thirteen. When I was sixteen I set up the tents with my practice.”
He touched the hair at my temple with a finger. “When did your father abandon you?”
“I…was ten.”
“You have a sibling.”
“My little brother. He was four months old.”
“Your mother died giving birth to him.”
“Yes.”
“Your father didn’t want to care for you. For either of you.”
I hesitated. I wasn’t sure if Exinious meant to upset me. Even after all these years, the pain was still raw.
“He wasn’t caring for us,” I said. “He never took care of us even before my mother died. All he did was drink wine and get angry. My mother took the full brunt of his anger when she was alive. When she was gone I had to take it.”
“The crueler men down there often beat their wives and children,” Exinious said. “It’s a pity.”
I nodded, suffering from my shame. At the same time I was glad he already knew all this. I wouldn’t have to tell him.
“You were greatly wounded, Ashla.”
I nodded without meeting his eyes. “I’m strong, though. Just like my mother was strong. He could never break her. He didn’t break me either.” I lifted my face toward him. “Just look at me now.”
Exinious caressed my cheek while smiling at me. His touch was pleasant. I enjoyed the way my skin lit up after his hand passed over it.
“You were fortunate to have had the influence of a good woman early in your life. She kept you from growing into someone bitter. Now you’re the most successful woman in the village. A role model for younger girls. You’ve much to be proud of.”
The praise sent a flurry of joy to my middle. It meant a great deal to hear it from him.
“You might prove an exceptional bride for me.”
My brow quivered. “You…don’t seem to require exceptional brides.”
Exinious laughed. “You think my standards are low?”
I didn’t answer.
He began to play his fingers through my hair, causing tingly trails on my scalp.
“Don’t be conceited, Ashla. Simple brides grant me easy marriages. It’s easy to earn their trust since no one has ever betrayed it.”
Oh. Now I realized why he needed to test me. I felt so discouraged it was something palpable inside my breast. He should take another simple, naïve bride from the village. I was happy enough with my practice. I didn’t need this impossible fantasy dangled in front of me.
But, curse it—his fingers felt delightful as they wove through my hair. Why did he pet me so sweetly if I were just a damaged fruit to him?
“You present the opportunity for a deeper connection. One that could be infinitely more satisfying for me. I only fear that you don’t really want this. I mean, tell me truthfully, did you ever plan to marry?”
“No,” I said at once.
“Would you consider marrying me?”
“I’m open to the idea because you said I could continue my practice.” I hesitated to continue, but his silence beckoned me. “However, I’ve suffered in the past, just like you said. I don’t know if I could be happy or make someone happy as a wife, even if I truly wanted to. I’ve worked so hard to shield myself from vulnerability. It is harder for me to trust.”
Exinious gave a shudder I could only describe as euphoric. He wrapped both his arms around me and drew nearer. “You’re so effortlessly charming. You don’t even realize when you’re bewitching me.”
My heart began to beat faster. I was pressed against him and his arms enveloped me with warmth.
“Listen, Ashla. Your wounds don’t make you less appealing to me. You??
?re delightfully complex…and soulful. And truly, if anyone is worthy of you, it’s I.”
I felt stricken. He said all this while still embracing me.
“You…move so quickly.”
He threaded his fingers through my hair again. This time from the top of my head to the base of my scalp. I closed my eyes in a moment of bliss. His advantage over me was gravely unfair.
“I won’t take any more from you than you’re willing to give.”
I nodded. His promises reassured me. Could I be happy with him? I certainly couldn’t be with any man from the village, but possibly with him, our god. At the moment I didn’t know. I felt too mesmerized by his embrace to trust my judgment.
“Your position as healer liberated you from the need to be married, but you’ve gone much further than merely rebuffing your suitors. You won’t abide anyone to treat you as a woman. You’ve cropped your hair, the glory of most women in your village, you don’t paint your eyes or lips, and you wear shapeless clothes. If I was to wed you, I would need you to become womanly.”
I gave him a dubious look. (I would have told him my masculine style of dress was because it was easier to gain respect when I didn’t look like the other ditzy village girls, but now was not the time.)
He kept his gaze constant with mine. “Is what I truly desire hidden beneath your cold veneer, Ashla?”
“I…don’t know.”
He rose from the couch. “Then I must find out. We’ve time to explore such things gently.” He extended his hand toward me. “Come. I’ve a chamber for you where you can refresh yourself.”
I took his hand and stood, filled with gratitude that the conversation had ended.