What if things progressed with Austin? I wanted to be comfortable with him… with myself. I wanted to be worthy of him. I could only do that if I was thinner. I needed to be thinner. It was the only way I could ever be content with myself. It was the only way I could ever make love.
Lexington, give yourself to me. I will get you to your goal. Austin will love you when we have succeeded. Be awed by you. Do what you must and make sure no one suspects a thing. Secrecy is key. Dr. Lund will not be able to force you onto the scale as the pounds fall from your flesh. You are not his property to order about, nor his puppet to control. You belong to me and that is always the way it will be. Dr. Lund is an obstacle. He is a barrier to perfection…
As I stared at the painted girl in the mirror, tears filled my eyes at the truth of the eyesore before me.
I wasn’t worthy. I was severely lacking. There was no beauty queen staring back, no redeeming features on her plain and chubby face. Just too much fat engulfing her features and ugliness, ugliness there for everyone to see.
Resolved, I made my decision. I would do as the voice commanded, shed a few more pounds. With a few more pounds gone, I would stop. It wouldn’t go too far. No one would suspect a thing. It would be easy.
I couldn’t see another way.
It would be easy to stop…
Easy to stop…
Once I am thinner.
Chapter Sixteen
Lexi
“What do you mean you can’t fly?” Shelly Blair shrieked at me, and I heard Lyle whistle low from beside me.
“I’ve just got back from my physiotherapist and he insisted I cannot fly in the stunts, but I can still dance. My back can’t be touched due to a strained muscle. The landings of the stunts will be too much. But I can dance solo at the front of the squad.”
My lies tasted of vinegar as they poured easily out of my mouth, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel guilt.
Well done, Lexington. Do not let them touch your back. And never feel bad about lying. It is what you must do. You know this. What is one small lie on the road to perfection?
Straightening my back, I refocused on Shelly and said, “I’m sorry, Shelly, but that’s the way it is. There’s no other option.”
Shelly snarled, her perfectly rouged lip curling in annoyance. “Perfect! The SEC Championship is around the corner, then the National Championship, and my best flyer is down. This year is going to absolute shit!”
With that, Shelly stormed off to consult Tanya, the vice-captain, leaving me standing awkwardly in her wake.
“Lexi babe, you’re hurt? Why didn’t you say something to me?” Lyle said with a pout as he put his hand on my arm.
Shrugging, I stepped back out of his hold and folded my arms across my chest. “My back has been hurting for a while and, well, I got it checked and I have to take it easy for the rest of the season. But I can still be with the squad, just nothing too strenuous.”
Lyle pouted dramatically. “But you’re my flyer. I don’t want nobody else. It’s been you and me all season.” Making a circle with his index finger and thumb, he linked them through mine. “You’re my cheer-lobster.”
Guilt curdled in my stomach and, faking an endearing smile, I took hold of Lyle’s hand with my free hand and squeezed. “I’m sure you’ll survive.”
“Mmm…” he said with an exaggerated flick of his head and looked away, only to sigh heavily and glance my way once more. “There he goes again,” he said casually.
“There goes who?” I asked, looking in Lyle’s direction to see what held his attention.
“Austin Carillo, staring at you, again.” Lyle’s hand was still in mine. When I peered over to where the football team was practicing, Austin stood drinking a bottle of Gatorade, glaring at our hands.
He clearly didn’t like Lyle being my lobster.
The jealousy within Austin’s dark gaze ignited a fire within my stomach, and I cast him a small smile of appeasement. His head subtlety flicked in the direction of the table he was beside. I understood what he wanted—me to go to him… discreetly.
Pulling my hand from Lyle’s, I began walking away. Lyle shouted to my retreating back. “And where you going now, Lexi babe?”
“Need a drink!” I yelled back over my shoulder.
As I reached the table, I reached for a bottle of water and felt an almost unbearable heat suddenly radiate at my side. I looked down at the water in my hand, then pretended to glance over at the cheer squad practicing their new stunts… without me.
A part of me died inside. I was sacrificing my passion to lose weight… but I had to. I couldn’t bear them feeling all the fat on my back.
“That guy who was all over you likes cock, right?” Austin asked quietly, pulling me from my jealousy. He was right beside me, downing the rest of his blue Gatorade.
The question made me laugh, and I turned to face the stands as I unscrewed the top from my water bottle. “Erm… he’s gay, yes. Why? Are you jealous?” I teased, and then there was only silence.
Checking around me and making sure no one was watching us, I angled my body to face him. Austin was in his red Tide training shirt and shorts, picking at the label of his bottle, a scowl firmly on his face.
“You okay?” I asked and inched closer. As I inhaled, I could smell the sweat on Austin’s skin, the product of his sprints. But rather than being a put off, it drew me even closer. I… I… wanted him.
My eyes widened. I wanted a guy. But—
“I’m not used to feeling jealous, I suppose,” Austin admitted reluctantly.
All the bad thoughts that were inevitably going to spring to mind about how the hell I would ever sleep with Austin stopped, and I almost gasped in shock at his confession. Austin simply smirked at my reaction but quickly went back to his somber mood.
“Something else is bothering you,” I said.
Slamming his empty bottle into the trashcan, Austin covertly reached down to my hand and gripped it tight. “The dean came to our practice this morning, warning that drugs were on campus and that he was pushing a zero tolerance approach. He warned that if any footballers were seen dealing or taking anything, they’d be done. The cunt glared at me the entire fuckin’ time, Pix. He knows I know something. I could see the accusation in his beady little eyes.”
Stressed at the whole damn situation, I squeezed his hand and said, “Austin, you need to stop your brother and protect your future here at UA. It’s gone too far. It’s getting too close to you being caught. It could jeopardize your entire future!”
Austin slipped his hand from mine, his face adopting a stony expression. “Leave it, Pix. This shit ain’t none of your concern.”
Feeling as though he’d slapped me, I snapped back, “Well, at least I know my place.”
I went to turn away when Austin gripped my hand. “Shit, Pix, I shouldn’t have said it like that. I just… I just…”
Sighing, I turned to face him again, whispering, “I just… care for you, that’s all.”
Austin’s deep, dark eyes fixed on mine, and I saw them flare at my words. “Okay, let me start again. There is no fuckin’ way you’re getting anywhere close to all that shit, to that part of my life, Pix. You gotta be protected from the Heighters. They ain’t no pansy group, and they don’t want anyone outside of family knowing their business. If Axe and Gio ever found out about you and me…”
Swallowing in trepidation, I began to move away, not wanting to hear the rest out here in public. Then I heard, “Meet me tonight at the summerhouse. Nightfall.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I allowed myself to look back at Austin. My heart fell. The big, tattooed, and menacing-looking wide receiver of the famous Crimson Tide was begging me with his dark eyes.
As I nodded my head in agreement, Austin seemed to relax, only to say, “Why aren’t you flying in the stunts, Pix? I watched you tell Shelly you were done.”
My blood ran cold. Austin stepped closer and whispered, “You go through shit, you get bad thoughts,
you tell me. I won’t judge.”
His offer bloomed in my chest and before water filled my eyes, I whispered back, “Okay.” I wouldn’t, though. Austin wouldn’t understand.
He blew out a breath and reached up to brush back my hair. I didn’t even flinch, and I wondered when it was exactly that Austin’s touch to my “safe zones,” as Dr. Lund called them, became acceptable? When had he broken through my walls?
Allowing the simple brush of Austin’s fingers across my forehead, I said quietly, “That applies to you too. When you go through shit, you tell me. Don’t let it bury you alive.”
Austin genuinely seemed taken aback by that, as if no one had ever offered him that before. He never verbally replied, but I could see by the tensing of his strong jaw that my words meant something to him.
“Carillo! Weights! Let’s go!” someone shouted from behind, and when I looked over Austin’s shoulder, Rome Prince was in the distance, arms folded over his broad chest, watching us.
Austin turned around and gave him an annoyed wave.
“Lex,” Rome greeted and flicked his chin in my direction.
“Hey, Rome!” I waved back cheerily, fixing a huge smile to my face and filling myself full of pseudo energy.
“Fuck, Pix,” Austin hushed out and smirked at me.
“What?”
“Tone the bastard cheer pep down. It’s fuckin’ freaky on you!” Dropping my mouth at Austin laughing, I watched as he turned and sprinted across the field to Rome, JD, and Reece filing in behind as they made their way to the gym. As I watched the four of them go, I thought what an unlikely group of friends they were. Especially Austin. It was like he lived this double life: football superstar with middle-class WASP friends on one hand and trailer park gangbanger whose brother was a leader of the infamous Heighters on the other. Everyone in Tuscaloosa feared the Heighters. Yet I no longer feared Austin.
In fact, it was quite the opposite.
“Lexi!” I heard my name shouted from the stands and, when I looked up, Ally Prince stood on the bottom step, waving in my direction. As I began to walk toward her, I couldn’t help but laugh at the remaining footballers finishing off their sessions, all staring at Ally with their tongues hanging out. I envied Ally’s looks, but not the attention. I’d hate that kind of spotlight.
Ally Prince was flawless. And she was also one of the loveliest, most caring people I’d ever met. She had it all, yet strangely, she never had a steady boyfriend, claiming she had no luck with guys. I found that incomprehensible considering she looked like a damn model, and I prayed that one day she would get her Prince Charming. She deserved to be treated like a queen.
As I approached the stand, I shouted up, “Hey, girl, what you doing out here? You rejoining the team for the championships?” I teased.
Ally widened her Spanish eyes in mock horror and said, “Hell no, couldn’t get me back in that uniform if you paid me!”
Laughing, I asked, “Then what’s up?”
“Cass just called. Molly’s philosophy lecturer has just been on the phone. Molls is real sick. Cass has gone to get her. Thought we could rally together and look after her. You know, ’cause she ain’t got no family.”
“Oh no, poor Molls!”
“So, you gonna come, darlin’?”
“Sure thing.”
A minute later, I was running into the locker room. I grabbed my gym bag and met Ally outside. She was watching me with a concerned expression as I quickly walked toward her.
“You okay, Ally?” I asked when we began walking side by side to our sorority house. “You that worried about Molls?”
“Yeah… I mean, no… I mean—” she flustered but then roved her eyes down my body and asked, “You lost weight, darlin’? I don’t mean to sound out of place, but you’re looking real thin in those training shorts. Everything okay with you? The squad’s not putting too much pressure on you to lose weight are they? Shelly can be a real bitch about her flyers being real skinny and small.”
Nerves almost had my footing faltering at her words. Did she suspect something? But I quickly recovered. “Nah, girl, I’m all good. Probably just all the cheer training and stress from school. My business class is kicking my ass!” I added a forced laugh just to sound extra convincing.
Ally stared at me a little too long before a wide grin spread on her lips. I exhaled like I’d been holding my breath for an eternity.
“I feel you, girl. My history lecturer is being a damn tyrant! Keeps telling me that if I wanna become a museum curator and get my PhD, I need to get perfect grades and apply myself more in class. I’m telling you, he’s Satan in disguise underneath that stuffy tweed jacket of his!”
Forcing another laugh at Ally, I knew I’d deflected her concern when she began chatting happily about how she had to volunteer at the local museum for the finals of her degree.
And then the voice reared his head.
Did you hear that, Lexington? Ally noticed you had lost weight. Well done… Well done… And Shelly asks her flyers to lose weight? But she has not asked you, which means she already thinks you are thin. You must keep going. The sweet scent of victory is about to surround us.
This time I didn’t need to fake the happy attitude my best friends knew me for. Knowing I was looking slimmer, that Shelly thought I was thin, and that I was finally sprinting toward my goal gave me the natural spring in my step.
Chapter Seventeen
Austin
“Any drugs found on any of the Tide players will result in instant expulsion from both the team and from the school. We run a zero tolerance drug policy at this college, and exceptions will NOT be made.
“The problem seems to be increasing, and you mark my words; you boys are role models for this school, for this community, and I won’t have a scandal while I’m in charge. We’re a good Christian student body, and our reputation will not be sullied by the use of illegal and, potentially, lethal substances.
“Am I clear?” the dean demanded. All the time, he concentrated on me and my reaction.
Rome had been slouched beside me on the bench in the locker room, no doubt seeming relaxed to the dean and anyone else looking, but the guy was anything but. I got from his subtle side-glances that he was pissed Axel was continuing the dealings on campus—risking my place in this year’s draft. Jimmy-Don shook his head in annoyance too, but they just didn’t understand. Only reason Mamma got to stay in that rich-ass hospital these last few weeks was due to Axel and Levi’s income.
Rome turned to me after the dean had left, but before he even opened his mouth to talk shit about my brother¸ I shut him up with a firm shake of my head.
As usual, Rome got pissed at me and took it out on the weights before he had to split and go check on Molly, who was apparently sick.
The sound of the doorknob turning had me glancing back from my place on the sofa in front of the unlit open fire. A second later, Lexi entered, dressed in a long black dress with a huge knit sweater over the top. The clothes were drowning her, but it was her face that had me jumping up and almost running across the room. Lexi’s pale face was weary and concerned.
“Pix, what is it?” I asked.
Her mouth opened, but she couldn’t speak.
“Pix? Has something happened?”
Lexi shook her head slowly as I guided her to the couch, careful not to lay a finger on her back.
Lexi’s huge green eyes looked upon me and she said, “I’m not supposed to tell you.”
I smirked. “Another secret?”
Lexi’s red-painted lips twitched, but she replied, “This time it isn’t mine to tell.”
I sat back and tried to think of what it could be. My eyes narrowed as I stared at Lexi nervously playing with the sleeves of her black sweater, and Rome’s hasty exit from practice immediately came to mind.
“Something’s up with Molls,” I said, less of a question and more a statement.
A whoosh of breath left Lexi’s mouth, and I knew I was right.
&nb
sp; “What’s up with her?” I pushed.
Lexi shut her eyes for a second and slowly exhaled. “She’s pregnant.”
Fuck. I wasn’t expecting that. That meant Rome… Rome was gonna be a daddy? Fuck!
“Promise you won’t say anything. Let Rome tell you himself when he’s good and ready. Molls is kinda freaking out about it, and Rome was a mess when we left them alone.”
“I won’t,” I assured. Lifting Lexi’s hand to my mouth, I pressed a kiss to her palm.
I caught the blush on her cheeks, and I couldn’t help but feel for the pixie. Weird to think that a twenty-one-year-old still blushed at a kiss to the hand.
“Well, I’m sure they’ll deal, Pix. Right now, I just wanna forget everything out there for a while. We don’t need anyone else’s problems weighing us down. We have enough of our own.”
Almost on cue, my cell started blaring from my pocket. Tipping my head back to the ceiling, I blew a frustrated sigh.
“You gonna get that?” Lexi asked, and I shook my head.
“Let the world turn without us for a while.”
No sooner had my phone cut off, than it started ringing again. This time I did pull it out. Axel only ever called twice if it was urgent.
“Axe?” I asked as I answered the call.
“Kid, shit’s going down here tonight, and Mamma’s in pain and needs her meds.”
“What shit? Where are you?” I barked out, and Lexi immediately stilled as I pulled my hand out of hers and began to pace in front of he fire.
“We’re at the Heights. The Kings have just done a drive-by. Two of the guys are down,” Axel stated as though it was nothing—day-to-day life in the Heights.
Blood rushed to my head. “Where the fuck’s Levi?”
It felt like a lifetime before Axel answered. “Little fucker got outta the way damn quick. He’s in the trailer with Mamma. Told him to stay inside until you got here.”
I nodded my head as if Axel could see me.
“She ain’t doing good today, kid. Her meds need picking up. I filled out the script. They just need collecting.”