She read them aloud in the lonely, cluttered room: “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”
“… bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ,” she repeated, trying to get the last section to stay in her memory.
Pulling herself up to change into her pajamas and to brush her teeth, Sierra silently prayed. She had plenty to pray about: this mess with her friends and the road trip; her thoughts and imagination wanting to go wild over Paul; and her choice of a college. Now that she had information on Edinburgh, it was even harder not to imagine what it would be like to go there. Her motive was to be near Paul, and certainly that couldn’t be an appropriate objective, could it?
Sierra had a hard time sleeping with so many thoughts rushing over her. For some reason she remembered Wesley’s words from the night before when he said he preferred roller coasters. Right now, her stomach felt as though she were on one. It looked as if it was going to be an emotional ride that wasn’t going to stop anytime soon.
Sierra took hold of her blankets, pulled them up to her chin, and closed her eyes tight. Sleep finally found her.
four
WHEN SIERRA STOOD before her friends at lunch the next day, she felt her heart racing. She told them she hadn’t talked to Wes yet, so she didn’t have a decision for them.
“I can’t get off work anyway,” Tre said. “You can take me off the list.”
“I know someone else who wanted to go,” Margo said.
“Who?” Vicki asked.
“Drake. Maybe he could take your place, Tre, if you’re not going.”
Sierra’s heart raced even faster. Drake, the school’s best athlete and biggest flirt, had been interested in Sierra last summer, and she had returned the interest. They even went out—sort of. It was never a defined dating relationship, but it certainly was a relationship that had caused Sierra confused feelings and lots of conflicts with her friends—especially Amy. Amy had been interested in Drake before he asked Sierra to go out with him.
Even though Sierra and Drake were still casual friends, they rarely spoke to each other. She could only imagine what it would be like to be in a van for days with Amy and Drake, not to mention everyone else. Her head was beginning to pound in time to her heart. She couldn’t stand this much longer.
“You guys,” Sierra stated with a rush of adrenaline, “you need to know this trip wasn’t supposed to be an open invitation. It’s turning into a huge mess. I didn’t know Vicki was going to ask you all to come. If I’d known, I would have told her not to invite you.” The words tumbled out before she had a chance to evaluate them.
“Are you saying you don’t want any of us to go?” Margo asked.
“You never said anything about its being a closed trip,” Vicki blurted out. “All you said was Wes agreed to drive you and some of your friends. I thought there was room for all our friends. Why didn’t you tell me it was supposed to be just you, Amy, and me?”
“I thought you understood that.”
“Obviously not,” Vicki said, folding her arms.
“We don’t have to go,” Randy said quickly, trying to bring peace to a situation full of rising tension. “It’s no big deal. We understand, Sierra. It’s your trip. We all kind of took over and didn’t let you invite the ones you wanted.”
Now Sierra felt bad. “Randy, it wasn’t that I was trying to invite only certain people …”
“But that’s what you did,” Warner said. “The ones you invited were Amy and Vicki.”
“That was her choice,” Margo said. “She can invite whomever she wants. You guys are trying to make her feel bad.”
“No, we’re not,” Warner said.
“I can’t go anyway,” Tre said, shrugging his shoulders. He left the table to return his cafeteria tray.
Sierra felt as if the world had suddenly turned against her. How could her friends not understand? Why was all of this her fault?
“You guys,” Margo said, clearing her throat and talking a little louder. “We should all back down like Tre did. Don’t give Sierra a hard time.” Margo rose and said, “Excuse me. I better tell Drake we’re all uninvited.”
“You’re not uninvited,” Sierra said, dreading how this would sound to Drake. “I still need to talk to my brother. Can you guys wait until tomorrow for a final decision? This isn’t supposed to be such a huge problem.”
“I guess you can blame me for that,” Vicki said quietly. The sweet bloom of innocence no longer graced her face. “I didn’t mean to turn this into a nightmare.”
“I know. You didn’t do anything wrong on purpose.” Sierra glanced at Randy, hoping he would say something to help smooth everyone’s ruffled feelings.
He stuffed the last bite of his sandwich into his mouth and said, “If you hear from Wes tonight, call me. I’d still like to invite myself, if that’s okay with you and Wes.”
Sierra wanted to say, “Yes, of course. I’m sure Wes would love to have you come.” But how would that look to Warner and the others?
“I’ll call you,” Sierra said. She knew she would call Randy whether she heard from Wes or not. Then they could have a private conversation about all this.
True to her word, Sierra called Randy as soon as she arrived home. But she got his family’s answering machine, so she tried Wes. Fortunately, Wes was there.
After explaining the situation, Sierra asked her brother what he thought she should do. There was a pause on the other end, and Sierra wondered if Wes was thinking the same thing her dad had voiced the night before: Only you, Sierra!
“I think this should be a fun trip for you, Sierra,” Wes began. “And I also think it’s an opportunity to do something nice for your friends. You should consider that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Turn the situation around. What if Randy were going on a trip like this, and he invited two of the people from your group but didn’t invite you. How would you feel?”
“It’s not as though we’re an inseparable group that does everything together,” Sierra protested. “Those guys go off and do stuff without me all the time. Besides, I invited Amy, and she doesn’t even attend our school anymore. I wanted it to be a girlfriend trip. It changes the whole atmosphere when guys are around.”
“Uh, Sierra,” Wes said slowly, “I’m a guy.”
“I know, but.” Now Sierra didn’t know what to say. Wes was right. Already the possibility existed that the atmosphere would be charged because of Amy’s potential interest in Wes. Maybe Sierra’s dream of what this trip was supposed to be was unrealistic.
“Look, Sierra, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m open to taking more of your friends if that would be helpful to them and if that’s something you would like. The point of this trip is for me to check out Rancho Corona and for you to look over some colleges. It’s not about going to the beach or Hollywood or wherever else your friends want to go. Maybe, if you make the schedule really clear, some of them will change their minds. We won’t have a lot of time to see the sights.”
“I know,” Sierra said with a sigh. “You’re right. I should think of what would be good for my friends. It’s just that I don’t like being around Warner.”
“Then don’t invite Warner.”
“But you just said to open the invitation to all of them.”
“It’s up to you, Sierra.”
“You’re not much help. First you tell me one thing, then you change it.”
“I’m not changing anything. Listen, Sierra, this is what you should do. Make a rough schedule based on the colleges you, Vicki, and Amy want to visit. Then, if there’s time, we’ll fit in one fun thing, like the beach or something. Show that schedule to your friends, tell them they have to pay for
their food, and then see who still wants to come. If Randy wants to come, I’d be glad for the company.”
“What about Warner?”
“What about him?”
Sierra curled and uncurled her toes. She felt her jaw clenching. “Wesley, help me out here. I don’t want Warner to come.”
“Okay, then use me as your excuse. Tell Warner he can’t come because I said so.”
“But you don’t even know him.”
“You’re right; I don’t. You know him. You tell him he can’t come.”
Sierra let out an exasperated sigh. Obviously, no easy answer was going to turn up. “What about sleeping? Won’t it be impossible to stretch out and sleep with so many people in the van?”
“We’ll take turns sleeping in the front seat. It reclines. You can sleep on an airplane, can’t you? You can sleep in the van.”
Sierra bit her lower lip until she was afraid she might draw blood. “I’m going to hang up now, Wesley, and don’t try to call me back. I can’t handle any more of your wacky logic.”
“Okay. Let me know what you decide.” He seemed untouched by her frustration.
“I will,” Sierra muttered. She hung up and headed for the basement to find her mom.
Mrs. Jensen was pulling clothes from the washing machine and stuffing them into the dryer. Sierra blurted out her problem and waited expectantly for her mother to wave a magic sheet of fabric softener to make all the static go away.
Instead, her mom leaned against the dryer and said, “So, what are you going to do?”
This was the part about entering adulthood Sierra disliked the most. Her parents let her make most of her own decisions. They said she would grow more if she learned from the consequences and rewards of her own choices. It drove Sierra crazy! Her parents seemed to find a strange parental satisfaction in putting the responsibility back on her.
“I don’t know yet.”
“Is Warner a difficult person to get along with?” her mom asked.
“He doesn’t seem to annoy other people as much as he bugs me. He used to come up and put his arm around my shoulder. He’s so tall it felt as though he was hanging on me and trying to make people think we were together or something.”
“Does he still do that?”
“No. I made it clear awhile ago I didn’t like it, and he finally stopped. Now he’s kind of mean to me. He says cutting things and gives me these nasty looks.”
Mrs. Jensen smiled.
“What?” Sierra asked.
“If you were in junior high, I’d say Warner had a pretty serious crush on you.”
“Exactly! That’s what makes it so annoying. We’re not in junior high; we’re seniors in high school! Why can’t he act normal?”
“Some guys take a little longer than others to mature. You know that. Don’t confuse immaturity with meanness.”
“But, Mom, tell me, on a trip like this do you think I have to invite someone who is immature just to be nice to him?”
“I don’t know,” Mrs. Jensen said thoughtfully. “A trip like this might help him grow up.”
Sierra lifted her hands in a pleading gesture to her mother. “Why is it suddenly my responsibility to make sure Warner gets a life? And why is this trip about Warner? It was supposed to be a fun, fact-finding time for Wes and me, and then I included Amy and Vicki. That was it. A nice, cozy little package. Why can’t it be like that?”
“What about Randy?”
“Okay, Wes, Amy, Vicki, Randy, and me.” As soon as Sierra verbalized the guest list, she realized it sounded like two couples: Wes and Amy, Vicki and Randy. Sierra would be the leftover—unless Warner came, and that would make everything worse. She hadn’t even considered Margo in all the deliberations. What if Margo and Warner both came, and they ended up being a couple? Three couples with Sierra as the outsider.
“I’m getting a headache,” Sierra said. “I’m going up to my room. I told Randy I’d call him.”
“Could you carry this basket of laundry up to the kitchen for me?” Mrs. Jensen asked.
“Sure.” Sierra bent down to pick up the wicker basket by the side handles.
“Oh, and by the way,” Mrs. Jensen said, “did you see the letter that came for you? It’s on the chair in the study.”
five
JUST THE THOUGHT of a letter waiting for her lightened Sierra’s load. She put the laundry basket on the kitchen counter and hurried to her favorite spot. Lifting the envelope and skimming the bold, black letters that spelled her name on the front, Sierra smiled. Something inside her always stirred like a breeze across a meadow when she held a letter from Paul.
Settling in her chair and carefully opening the letter, Sierra began to read:
Dear Sierra,
Well, I’ve finally made some decisions. It’s taken a long time, and I’ve sure gone through my share of inner torture trying to discern God’s direction. I couldn’t have made it without your prayer support. Thank you!
Sierra looked up and swallowed hard. She knew all about making decisions and the inner torture one could go through. Paul’s words made her realize she hadn’t prayed about her own situation. It seemed ironic she was able to help Paul make some decisions with her encouragement and prayer support; yet who did she have praying for her? And why wasn’t she talking over her struggles with God? Returning her thoughts and attention to Paul’s letter, she read on.
I’m not sure if I told you how they break down the academic terms at the university. The spring term ends next week. We have a monthlong break, and then what they call the summer term begins; it goes from the middle of April to the middle of June. I’ll be staying for the summer term, and then it looks as though I’ll be returning to the States.
Sierra felt a rush of hope and anticipation at the thought of Paul’s coming home. He had gone to school in Portland the year before, but his family lived in San Diego, where his dad was a pastor. Would Paul return to Portland, or would he go to college elsewhere? She read on.
As you know, it’s been hard for me to work through this decision. When I came over here, I thought I’d finish out my degree at the University of Edinburgh. That had been my goal since my sophomore year in high school. I wanted to leave home and be with my grandfather. As you know, he died before I was able to come to school here. The entrance requirements were that I had at least one year at a qualifying university in the U.S., which is how I ended up at Lewis and Clark College.
Anyway, I came over thinking that I could help my grandmother and that the University of Edinburgh would be everything I had dreamed of when I first visited the campus as a fifteen-year-old. The truth is, my grandmother is quite self-sufficient and has made it clear it has become a bother for me to impose on her hospitality every weekend. I’ve made a few friends at the school, but not real close friends, since I haven’t stayed around on weekends. The classes have been great, and I believe this year has been a good experience for me in many ways, especially in getting my heart set back on the Lord. There’s a rugged loneliness about this country that makes a heart cry out. I’m grateful that when I sought the Lord, He heard me and came close.
As for my future plans, those are still formulating. When I first asked you to pray about this with me, I was considering coming home at the end of the spring term in March, but it was to my benefit to take the classes offered from April to June. I have a month off before those classes begin, so I’m going to do some traveling. I’d like to check out a sailing camp on the northwest coast of Scotland. Then I think I’ll come back down to Stranraer and take the Seacat Hydrofoil over to Belfast.
Again Sierra stopped reading and let her imagination drift with Paul’s words. Sierra had been to Belfast more than a year ago. She would have to write Paul right away to tell him to visit The Giant’s Causeway on the north coast. Sierra remembered how fascinated she had been with this natural work of God where the lava had flowed into the sea long ago and hardened into extremely large, steplike blocks of rocks. It did indeed look like a
cobblestone path for giants.
I’d appreciate your prayers for safety while I travel and for all the decisions that still need to be made about what I’ll do when I leave here in June. I need to close for now. There’s a big rugby tournament at Murrayfield Stadium this afternoon. Scotland vs. France. You probably know that rugby is the sport over here. This game promises to be a good one and worth the study break I’m taking to see it.
Hope everything is going well for you. Thanks again for all your prayers and encouragement. I don’t think you’ll ever know how much they mean to me.
With a grateful heart,
Paul
As soon as she read Paul’s signature, Sierra turned back to the first page of onionskin paper and started to read every word over again. That’s what she usually did when she received a letter from Paul.
She had almost finished the letter for the second time when the phone rang. Mrs. Jensen answered it and called for Sierra, telling her Randy was on the line.
Carefully folding Paul’s letter and tucking it back into the envelope, Sierra reached for the phone on her dad’s desk. “Hi ya,” she answered cheerfully.
Randy paused a moment and then said, “You sound as if you’re in a better mood than you were at lunch. Does that mean you’ve talked to your brother?”
Sierra’s cheeks flushed. She felt as though she had been caught in a private moment of interacting with Paul. She would have experienced the same sort of embarrassment if she and Paul had been together, here in the study, sitting close and looking warmly into each other’s eyes, and then the door burst open and Randy barged in.
“Yes, I’ve talked to Wes,” Sierra began, pulling together her thoughts. “I’m not sure I have a real clear direction yet, but he did say he would like it if you came along.”