“Are you sure Paul is planning to drive all the way up to his grandparents’ tonight? I thought he had to be at work early tomorrow, so he was going to stay at his parents’ house.”
Sierra hadn’t counted on that. “I’d better go ask him,” she said. “Do you mind?” She turned and met her dad’s gaze.
She must have given him a look of overeagerness about to turn into panic because he spoke to her softly. “Honey, if Paul were planning to take you back to his grandparents’ house, I think he would have mentioned it by now.”
Sierra felt like bursting into tears but refused to do so. “It will only take me two minutes to go ask him,” she said.
Her dad nodded sympathetically. “Two minutes.”
Sierra charged back into the church gym and immediately spotted Paul with a long broom in his hand, sweeping the floor. He looked up when she came in and gave her enough of a smile that she felt she could march across the floor and speak her mind.
The incident reminded her of when she worked at the Highland House her junior year. It was a halfway house that Paul’s uncle ran in Portland. Sierra had helped out at the Highland House when Paul worked there as well. They didn’t have much of a relationship then, and they didn’t speak to each other much, but Sierra remembered feeling as if Paul were watching her. It had intimidated her.
Today she refused to be intimidated—especially by a guy who had written his heart to her for months and had only twenty-four hours earlier held her so tenderly on the beach and quoted poetry he had written for her alone.
Whatever the reason was for Paul’s aloofness, Sierra was going to find out. She wasn’t going to Rancho Corona tomorrow morning without things being settled between them.
eleven
“ARE YOU GOING BACK to your grandparents’ house?” Sierra asked while still a few feet away from Paul.
“No, I hadn’t planned on it.”
“Oh,” Sierra said, not sure if she should be mad or understanding, since he did have to start work early tomorrow.
Paul leaned on the broom handle, and Sierra took a deep breath. Before she could let her words come out, Paul said, “Sierra, we need to talk.”
“Funny,” she said, “that’s exactly what I was going to tell you.”
“I want to be honest with you,” Paul said, glancing around as if to make sure no one could hear him. “I’m not exactly ready to have this talk with you because I haven’t decided what I want to say yet.”
“Well, when do you think you’ll be ready? Because as it stands, my dad’s waiting for me, and tomorrow morning I go to Rancho. You work all week, so what does that give us? Next weekend maybe? Do you think you can figure out what you want to say to me by next weekend?”
Paul looked surprised by Sierra’s words. Or maybe it wasn’t the words but the angry, sarcastic tone she used to say them.
“I’m sorry,” Sierra said. “It’s just that I’m so upset with you right now I don’t know what to say. Last night I thought everything was wonderful and close, and I was completely open with you, Paul. And you were close and wonderful and open with me, too.” Sierra fought hard to keep back the tears. “Suddenly, you act as if I have the plague. You won’t talk to me, you won’t touch me or look me in the eye—”
“I’m looking you in the eye now,” Paul said with his clear, blue-gray eyes fixed on her.
Sierra looked into his eyes and didn’t look away. With her voice much softer and lower, she said, “What is the problem, Paul? What happened?”
Paul pressed his lips together, still looking into Sierra’s eyes. “We got going too fast. I was afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“Afraid of things between us getting out of control.”
Sierra didn’t understand. They had held hands and sat close and snuggled. He had recited his poem to her. They had laughed and gazed at stars together. How was any of that “out of control”?
“I’ve been there before, Sierra. Please trust me when I say I didn’t want that to happen to us.”
“You didn’t want what to happen to us?”
“You know,” Paul said, scanning her face, as if looking for assurance that she understood the deeper meaning of his words. “Physically,” Paul finally said. “I didn’t want things to get out of control between us physically.”
Sierra was still in the dark. “How could they have gotten out of control?” She lowered her voice to almost a whisper. “You didn’t even kiss me.”
“I know,” Paul said, looking relieved. “And you’ll never know how glad I am that I didn’t.”
If Paul had slapped her across the jaw, it would have hurt less than his words and the deeper meaning she read in his facial expression. Flinching, Sierra pulled back. “I see.” She looked away.
“Do you really?” Paul tilted his head and gave Sierra a charming, innocent look.
Just then Mr. Jensen called from across the empty gym floor, “Sierra, we need to get going. I have the boys waiting in the van. We need to go now.”
Sierra wouldn’t allow herself the luxury of one more view of Paul’s blue-gray eyes or his broad forehead and wavy brown hair, even though her heart was telling her it would be her last look. She kept her eyes down as she turned away from him. “Good-bye, Paul,” she managed to say as she hurried to join her father at the other side of the gym.
“Call me!” Paul hollered as she left the gym. “Call me when you get your new number at Rancho.”
“Everything okay?” Mr. Jensen asked, slipping his arm around Sierra as they walked quickly to the waiting family members in the hot van.
“Sure,” Sierra said flatly. Inwardly, she was building a mighty dam of determination to hold back all her feelings for the rest of her life. She had been naive to give her heart so quickly to Paul. He flat out didn’t want her. He didn’t like her the way she liked him. She had made a fool of herself, and he had played along with it, writing poems that he knew she would like to hear, holding her hand because he knew she wanted him to. It had all been a big lie. All his words in all those letters. All the dreams she had stored up. It was all a big nothing. A long, elaborate joke played out on inexperienced Sierra. And the punch line was, “You’ll never know how glad I am I didn’t kiss you.”
There. Now it was over. Ha-ha. So this was why people wrote songs about love and cheating hearts and broken dreams. It was all real now—too painfully real. All Sierra could think of was the time Amy said to her, “I promise I’ll be there for you when Paul breaks your heart.”
Sierra, of course, had assured Amy that would never happen because Sierra knew what she was doing. Now here she was, finding enough hidden strength from somewhere deep inside that she could walk silently beside her father across the church parking lot and act as if a sinkhole of despair hadn’t just opened up and swallowed her whole.
Somehow Sierra managed to keep up the act the rest of that night and into the next day when her father drove her to Rancho. Twice Wesley asked her if something was bothering her, but Sierra said she was nervous about moving into the dorms and going away to college and everything. She didn’t know if he believed her or not.
Mr. Jensen moved Sierra’s belongings into her room, but before they had finished he said, “Don’t forget to call Paul. He said he wanted you to call as soon as you got your new number.”
Sierra only vaguely remembered Paul’s calling out those words at the church gym. The person she wanted to call was Vicki. Sierra wanted to try to persuade Vicki to come down as soon as she could. Classes didn’t start for more than a week, and Sierra didn’t want to be alone in their dorm room. Without a car or a roommate, Sierra suddenly realized she was facing a lonely week. In her original plans, this time was going to be filled with Paul during every one of his spare moments.
Walking her dad down to the men’s dorm, where Wes was unloading Randy’s band equipment, Sierra thanked her father for all he had done to get her to college and to set up her room. To her surprise, he slipped his strong ha
nd over Sierra’s and held it as they walked. “You’re going to be just fine, Sierra Mae. Your mother and I are the ones who are going to have trouble making the adjustments. It’s probably a good thing she flew back with Granna Mae this morning. If she had come here and tried to say good-bye to both you and Wesley on the heels of Tawni’s engagement, well, I think it would have been hard to convince her we should stay in Portland. She would have wanted to move down here—especially after she saw this campus. It’s exactly as Wes and you described it.”
They were walking past the plaza fountain at the center of the campus, still holding hands. Sierra didn’t mind that several other early-bird students who sat at the benches surrounding the fountain were watching. She guessed that any one of the three girls sitting there would love to have a dad like Sierra’s.
Suddenly, one of the girls on the bench called her name. Sierra stopped, and both she and her dad turned. The long-legged girl who rose from the bench and eagerly came toward them had a bright, welcoming smile. Her long, nutmeg brown hair was pulled back in a braid, and she wore sunglasses, which kept Sierra from recognizing her. The girl wore shorts and a short-sleeved T-shirt, and when she raised her arm to wave at Sierra, the sun glistened off a gold ID bracelet on her right wrist.
“Christy!” Screaming, Sierra ran to hug her dear friend. “I can’t believe you’re here! How are you? When did you get back from Switzerland?”
Christy hugged Sierra a second time and took off her sunglasses, revealing her distinctive blue-green eyes. They sparkled when they saw Sierra. “It’s so good to see you,” Christy said, taking a closer look at Sierra’s left eye.
“I had a run-in with a can of root beer,” Sierra explained. “It’s actually lots better than it was a couple of days ago.”
Christy smiled. “Katie is going to want to hear the whole story. Did she ever tell you about the time on the houseboat when Doug gave her a black eye?”
“No, but I’m sure with very little prompting she’ll tell me the whole story. Oh, Christy, this is my dad.”
“I’m pleased to meet you, Mr. Jensen,” Christy said, offering her hand to him.
“It’s a pleasure meeting you,” Mr. Jensen said, shaking Christy’s hand. Sierra felt so grown-up. Her friends in high school never shook hands with her parents. Christy seemed even more grown-up. Sierra hadn’t seen her friend for more than a year, ever since the two of them had gone to Switzerland with Christy’s aunt so Christy could check out the school she ended up going to for the past year.
“Is Todd here?” Sierra asked.
“You just missed him. He and my parents picked me up at the airport a few days ago, and then he stayed with us and helped me move in earlier today. He’ll be back.” Christy smiled when she said it. “He’s going to work the rest of this week and then move into the dorm on Friday.”
Sierra felt a bittersweetness come over her. If things weren’t going to work out between Paul and her, at least she could be happy for Christy that she and Todd were together. Sierra would have to ask Christy exactly how many years she and Todd had been together. Five? Or was it six? Either one was amazing, especially since Sierra couldn’t manage to maintain a dating relationship for even five to six hours.
“Katie should be here this afternoon,” Christy added.
“You know,” Mr. Jensen said, “I can find my way from here, Sierra.”
“You sure?” Sierra asked.
“Yes, I’m sure. Let me give you a hug, and I’ll be on my way.”
Sierra hugged him tightly and whispered in his ear, “Good-bye, Daddy. I love you. Thanks again for everything.”
“I love you, too,” he whispered back.
As Sierra pulled away, she could see that her dad was “overly” smiling, and the lines by his eyes were crinkling the way they did when he was trying not to cry.
“You okay?” Sierra asked quietly.
He nodded and kissed her soundly on the cheek. Then he turned and headed for the men’s dorms.
“I just said good-bye to my dad,” Sierra said solemnly as she turned her attention back to Christy. “I didn’t think it would be like that.”
“Do you want to go with him?” Christy asked.
“No.”
“You sure?”
Sierra watched her dad’s familiar gait another minute as he turned down a path behind the library. Then he was gone.
“So many good-byes,” Sierra said as a sense of loss came over her.
Christy gave Sierra’s arm a squeeze. “And many hellos, too.”
Sierra smiled at her understanding friend. “If all the good-byes don’t kill me, I’ll probably start to enjoy some of these hellos.”
“I know what you mean,” Christy said. “Come on. I brought you something from Switzerland. It’s in my room, and it just might cheer you up.”
“You brought me something?”
“Yep. And I know you’re going to like it.” Christy flipped her sunglasses back on and led Sierra toward the upperclassmen dorm. Sierra couldn’t imagine what Christy had brought her, but she did know she was going to like being around Christy and Katie and all their friends. For the first time, the thought crossed her mind that maybe Paul truly was a “good-bye,” and some guy at Rancho Corona was going to be her newest “hello.”
twelve
CHRISTY’S DORM ROOM was completely set up on the left side. The right side had only an unmade bed, an empty closet, an empty desk, and vacant bookshelves. Christy was already at home here, and Katie would have to catch up when she arrived.
“Wow, you settled in fast,” Sierra said, examining some of the pictures on the wall. Next to the window was a framed poster of a tropical waterfall with a quaint bridge across the top of it. At the bottom of the frame was what looked like a piece of fabric that had been cut from a T-shirt. It read, I Survived the Hana Road.
Next to the desk was another framed poster. This was a more familiar scene to Sierra: a mountain trail in the Alps, complete with cows wearing bells around their necks, snowcapped peaks, and a colorful carpet of blue, yellow, and white wildflowers.
“This looks like where we had our picnic with Alex,” Sierra said.
“I know,” Christy responded. “That’s why I bought it. I went back to that same spot several times this past year. And each time I thought about you and Alex and his verses about loving each other fervently.”
Sierra smiled at the memory. See? she told herself. Other guys in the world have been interested in you. Paul isn’t the only one.
“Did I tell you I saw Alex last month? He was visiting his uncle at the school, and guess what? He’s engaged!”
Cross Alex off my list of potential interests, Sierra thought dismally. “That’s great,” she said generously. “He deserves someone wonderful. Did I tell you my sister and Jeremy just got engaged? We had a big family party this weekend.”
“I take it you finally saw Paul,” Christy said, reaching for a tiny white box on the shelf above her desk. Sierra noticed it was next to a beat-up metal Folgers coffee can, which Christy had placed on a white lace doily. Sierra made a mental note to ask Christy why in the world she had a funky old can in a place of honor.
“Yes, I finally saw Paul. And it was both wonderful and horrible, and if I start to talk about it, I’ll cry.”
“Well, here,” Christy said, holding out the tiny white box. “See if this brings back any sweet memories. It got a little squished in my suitcase. Sorry.”
Sierra opened the tiny box and found three exquisitely decorated pieces of chocolate candy. “Truffles! From that bakery we went to with your aunt, right? I can’t believe you remembered.”
“I was going to try to bring home one of their pastries, but the truffles fit in my suitcase better. Remember when we sat on that bench in the sunshine and had our first bites of amazing Swiss chocolate?”
“Oh, do I! And your aunt told us we couldn’t chew them but had to savor the moment and let the chocolate dissolve in our mouths.” Sierra bro
ke off a corner of one of the squished truffles and offered the box to Christy so she could take a piece. Before popping it into her mouth, Sierra added, “And remember how mad your aunt was because we knocked over the card rack at that shop across the street? I still have one of the mangled cards she had to buy. I think I brought it with me. I should put it up on my wall.”
Christy laughed and pointed to the large bulletin board next to her closet. “Look—there’s mine.” Sure enough, in the top right corner was a card with a crease right down the middle of an illustration of a wildflower bouquet.
Sierra laughed and held her piece of chocolate up in the air. Christy did the same. “On the count of three,” Sierra said. “One, two, three!”
The two friends lowered the precious chocolate into their mouths and slowly let it melt, echoing a duet of “mmm’s” and “ahhh’s.”
Christy plopped onto her bed and moved a stuffed Winnie the Pooh from on top of her pillow. “I’m sure going to miss that bakery,” she said.
Sierra made herself comfy on the foot of Christy’s bed. She noticed how soft the comforter was. It was a faded yellow patchwork design, and Sierra guessed it probably held sentimental appeal for Christy because it didn’t match anything else in the room. Looking up at the dresser, Sierra noticed a vase filled with white carnations. She assumed they were a welcome-home bouquet from Todd.
“What else are you going to miss about Switzerland?” Sierra asked.
Christy gazed out the window before answering. “I’m not sure I even know yet. It was my life for a year, and now all of a sudden I’m here. I don’t think it’s all hit me.”
“Didn’t you miss Todd fiercely?”
“Yes and no. I needed to grow up some and settle some things in my heart before I could move on in my relationship with Todd. And he needed to do some growing up, too. He kept changing schools and majors. He had a bunch of jobs but never anything consistent—and he never had any money. He needed time to make some decisions, too.”