“Is this Sierra Jensen?
“Yes.”
“You have a visitor, Sierra,” the voice said. “He wants to know if you can come meet him in the lobby.”
Sierra guessed who her visitor was right away. “Thanks. Tell him I’ll be right there.” Sierra hung up and said, “My brother is here. No doubt he’s checking up on me again. You know, I thought it was going to be great having my big brother here so I could have someone to go to with all my problems, but if the rest of this year is anything like these first few days, the guy is going to drive me crazy!”
“Wes and you can get something to eat with Todd and me. Come on. Grab your key and let’s go.”
“My hair is still soaking!” Sierra said.
“It’ll dry in two minutes outside,” Christy said. “At least you smell good, which is a lot more than I can say for myself.”
They hurried down the long hall and took the elevator to the main lobby area, where residents met their guests. The central lobby of Sierra’s dorm, Sophia Hall, was as gorgeous as a tropical hotel lobby, with a court area in the center of the rectangular building. The large patio was paved with Tecate tiles, and the area was filled with trees and bushes, like a jungle. A number of benches were placed throughout, and a small fountain was located in the center.
Sierra looked around for Wes but didn’t see him. Todd didn’t appear to be anywhere visible, either.
“Knowing Todd, he’s probably climbing one of the palm trees,” Christy said, venturing into the arboretum area. Sierra followed her and noticed a guy walking around the backside of one of the trees as if he were examining it or trying to hide.
“What do you think?” Christy asked. “Is that one yours or mine?” All they could see was a bit of a gray T-shirt.
“Yours,” Sierra guessed.
Then the guy rounded the tree, and they saw his face.
“Oh!” Christy whispered in surprise. “It’s neither of ours.”
“No,” Sierra said slowly. “It’s mine.”
Christy reached for Sierra’s arm. “Paul?” she whispered.
Instead of answering, Sierra found herself moving forward at the same pace Paul was moving toward her. He looked serious and had on his dirty work clothes, so Sierra guessed he had driven there right after a long, hot day of construction work.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” Sierra answered.
Even sweaty and dirty he looked great. Sierra found it hard to slow down her heart enough for her to come up with some words. Paul looked past Sierra at Christy, and Sierra quickly introduced them, explaining that Christy was the friend Sierra had met in England and then later went with to Switzerland.
Paul nodded and said, “I’ve just come back from a year in Scotland.”
“That’s what Sierra told me.”
Sierra could see Todd sneaking up behind Christy as she spoke. He had on a pale blue T-shirt that made his silver-blue eyes shout with mischief, but the finger to his lips told Sierra not to announce his approach. Paul played along as well, and before Christy knew what was happening, Todd stepped behind her and scooped her up in his arms.
She let out a startled squeal, which was overpowered by Todd announcing, “Me Tarzan, you … Hey, you not Jane!”
He put Christy down, and she looked at him with astonishment. “Todd, whatever got into you?”
“I’ve always wanted to do that,” he said, returning to his easygoing manner. “Hey, Sierra. How’s it going?”
Sierra introduced Paul, and the four of them stood there rather awkwardly.
“Do you want to get some dinner, Christy?” Todd asked.
“Sure,” Christy said. She turned to Sierra and Paul. “Would you guys like to join us?”
Paul and Sierra exchanged uncomfortable glances.
“I guess,” Sierra finally said. She didn’t know what to do.
“Actually,” Paul said, “I’d like to talk with you, Sierra.”
“Why don’t you guys go ahead,” Sierra said. “I’ll see you later.”
“Okay, later,” Todd said. He gave Paul a chin-up nod and said, “See you around, Paul.”
Paul nodded back, and Todd and Christy left, hand in hand. Sierra thought Todd had never seemed happier. And why not? He had Christy back and the “distance between them was a walking space.” Sierra had hoped she and Paul would be that happy together, but all her feelings were so tied up in knots she didn’t know if she could ever untangle them.
“I saw a bench back there,” Paul said, motioning to where Sierra had first seen him behind the tree. “I was looking for a little more private place to talk.” He walked into the center of the garden lobby and motioned for Sierra to follow him to a bench in the far right corner.
Sierra’s mind raced with all the different directions this conversation might go. She could tell him that she had seen Jalene and their son and that he didn’t have to hide that part of his life anymore. But then what would she say? That it didn’t matter? That the two of them could go on and that she would be content to sit next to him on the “second step” and not go any further physically?
Right now Sierra wasn’t sure she even wanted to be with Paul, let alone take any steps with him. It suddenly seemed ironic that after years of gaining a reputation around her friends as the “queen of confrontation,” the last thing she wanted to do was have a heart-to-heart talk with Paul.
sixteen
“THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE,” Paul said as he sat on the bench and motioned for Sierra to sit next to him.
Sierra nodded her agreement.
“I can see why you said in your letters you liked this school so much. I’m even more interested in coming here now that I’ve seen the campus. It’s very different from the University of Edinburgh.” Paul was looking at her, but she was having a hard time looking at him.
“Sierra,” Paul said, trying to get her full attention, “can you tell me what’s going on?”
Sierra bit her lower lip.
“I don’t understand why you didn’t call me.” Paul’s voice was low and calm. “I know it wasn’t the best timing on Sunday in the gym to try to talk about physical guidelines for our relationship, but I wanted you to know why I was spooked Saturday night. We were just getting too close too fast.”
“I understand,” Sierra said softly, looking down.
“Then why didn’t you call me?”
“I wasn’t ready to talk to you.”
Paul balanced his arm on the back of the bench and rested his unshaven cheek on his knuckles. “Why?”
Sierra knew this was the perfect opening to tell him that she knew about Jalene and the baby, but she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t say the words. Not used to being tongue-tied, she fingered the silver daffodil around her neck and wondered where all her boldness had gone.
“Listen,” Paul said, reaching for one of her still-wet curls and gently brushing it off her shoulder. “Neither of us has told each other much about our past relationships.”
Sierra turned to look at him, ready for his confession.
“And I just want to say that I realize you may have been more involved with guys in the past, so you’re expecting more from me at this point. But I’ve set some pretty rigid standards for myself. Maybe we should have talked about that before we saw each other.”
Sierra was startled. “You think I’ve been more involved with guys in the past?”
Paul’s eyes showered her with understanding. “Hey, you don’t have to tell me about any of that. I’m not your judge. I’m just saying you obviously were comfortable with a lot of physical expression the other night, but that’s not the direction I’d like our relationship to go. That’s why I thought we should pull back.”
Sierra stared at Paul in disbelief. All she could do was repeat his statement. “You thought I was comfortable with a lot of physical expression?”
Paul nodded. “That might be what you’re used to in relationships with other guys, but I want us to take i
t more slowly. That’s what I’ve wanted from the beginning, which is why I suggested we write letters instead of e-mail. I’m not judging you for your past; I’m just saying this is how I’d like it to be for us.”
Sierra sprang from the bench and said in angry disbelief, “You’re not judging me?”
Paul stood, too, caught off guard by her reaction.
Before Sierra could blurt out that she was as pure and innocent as a lamb and that Paul was the only guy with whom she had ever expressed the kinds of physical affection she gave him the other night, two girls walked in their direction, talking loudly. Paul and Sierra stood frozen, staring at each other, waiting for the girls to pass.
Sierra’s startled anger overtook any sense of reason, and she blurted out, “You’re a fine one to be going around overlooking my past! What about your past?”
Paul looked stunned. “What about my past?” His voice was rising to meet the intensity of Sierra’s.
“Jalene and you.”
“What about Jalene and me?”
“Oh, come on, Paul. You kept it from me all this time. But then I saw her last week, and I figured it out.”
“Figured what out?”
“I saw him, Paul. I saw him with Jalene, and I figured out why you wanted to go to Portland last June.”
“I wanted to go to Portland to see you,” Paul said loudly.
“And a few other people so you could make things right with them. Isn’t that what you said?”
Paul still looked frustrated and confused. “What are you getting at, Sierra? This is making no sense.”
“Oh, it’s not?”
“No,” Paul said, lowering his voice. “It’s not. Can you just tell me what you’re trying to say?”
“Okay, I’ll tell you. It’s Jalene,” Sierra said, looking at him like an eager lawyer making her closing statements to the jury. “Jalene and the baby.” She gave extra emphasis to the last word, raising her eyebrows in a knowing expression. “And since you didn’t tell me and I had to figure it out myself, well, to be honest with you, I haven’t quite decided where my trust level is in this relationship at the moment. I thought you—”
“You thought what?” Paul cut her off, his arms folded across his chest.
“I thought—”
“You thought the kid you saw with Jalene was mine?” Paul’s face was turning red.
Sierra folded her arms, too, and stood her ground. “I’m not saying I’m judging your past in any way. But it sure would have been nice if I’d heard it from you first.”
“Listen, Sierra,” he stated, “you didn’t hear it from me first because there was nothing for you to hear. I don’t know whose baby Jalene had when you saw her, and I don’t know what she told you, but there’s no way it’s mine. Absolutely no way! It’s not possible.”
“It’s not?”
“No! And I can’t believe you assumed it could be, Sierra! How could you have jumped to such conclusions?”
Instead of meekly apologizing at the revelation, Sierra let her nervous fury fly. “And what is it you assumed about me? Just a few minutes ago you said you thought I was comfortable with a lot of physical expression because that must be what I was used to. Well, guess again, Paul! There haven’t been any other guys—ever. Not even one.”
His expression softened. “What about Randy?”
“Randy is my buddy.”
“What about that guy you told me you met in Switzerland?”
“Alex?” Sierra laughed. “He hugged me good-bye at the airport by pressing his cheek against mine. How’s that for physical intimacy?”
“And there hasn’t been anyone else?”
“Well, let’s see, there was Drake. He put his arm around me once when we were walking the dog together. Oh, and he held my hand when he prayed with me one time in the car.”
Paul rubbed his neck as if he were trying to relax his thick muscles.
“Paul,” Sierra railed, still fired up, “you are looking at one of the world’s oldest pair of virgin lips! They’ve been on my face for almost eighteen years and have only been used to kiss the cheeks of grandmothers, the feet of infants, and Brutus.”
“Brutus?”
“Our dog.”
“Oh,” was all Paul said. Sierra’s ravings seemed to have calmed him down a bit. “I misunderstood,” he said. “The way you were coming on to me Saturday night, I assumed you were much more experienced.”
Something inside of Sierra went Twang! “The way I was coming on to you!” she yelled. “I can’t believe you’re saying that! You were the one who took me down to the beach and held me in that little cave and quoted me your poetry. Are you telling me that’s not coming on to me?”
“Is that what you thought I was doing?”
“I thought you were treating me the way you would treat your girlfriend.”
“And what were you doing?” Paul asked.
“I was treating you the way I’d treat my boyfriend. My first boyfriend in my whole life, I might add, not that that matters at this point.”
Paul rubbed his neck again. “Is that what we are? Are you saying we’re now boyfriend and girlfriend? Are we a couple, Sierra?” Paul looked at her, his jaw clenched, his blue-gray eyes clouding over, waiting for her answer.
seventeen
SIERRA CROSSED HER ARMS around her middle, trying to keep her upset stomach from grumbling loud enough for Paul to hear. “I don’t know,” she answered with her chin held up defiantly. “You tell me. What are we?”
“I don’t know,” Paul said, folding his arms across his chest. “And maybe I don’t want to feel pressured to figure it out right now.”
“Who’s pressuring you?” Sierra said. “Certainly not me.”
“That’s right,” Paul said, slapping his forehead with the palm of his hand as an exaggerated gesture. “You’re not pressuring me. As a matter of fact, you’re not even calling me when I ask you. So I have to wonder what’s wrong and rush up here from work so I can find out. And here you are, dreaming up some promiscuous past life for me!”
Sierra had a half an impulse to apologize and admit she had been wrong to jump to conclusions. But she couldn’t let herself. It still bothered her that he had jumped to conclusions about her as well. “Oh yeah? Well, what about the promiscuous past life you dreamed up about me? Or doesn’t that count?”
Before Paul could answer, Katie appeared. “Hi, kids!” she called across the courtyard. “Did Todd and Christy leave already to go eat? Hey, you must be Paul.” Katie gave him a friendly punch on the shoulder. “I was wondering when I’d get to meet you. Sierra has told me all about you.”
“Really?” Paul said, looking at Sierra and then back at Katie. “And did she tell you about a certain baby boy in Portland who is supposedly my son?”
Katie looked at Paul. Her clear green eyes showed sincere compassion. She nodded and said, “And you know what I told Sierra? I told her, ‘Big whoop.’ What’s past is past. As long as everything is settled between God and you, then it’s time to move on, right?”
Paul hesitated only a moment before saying, “Right. Time to move on.” He shot a pain-filled expression at Sierra and said calmly, “You know what? I don’t think I can do this.” He brushed passed her and headed straight for the door.
Sierra felt her heart pounding in her throat. Everything inside her told her to run after him, but she couldn’t move a muscle.
“Was it something I said?” Katie asked. “If it was, I’m sorry.”
“No, it was me. I messed up, Katie. I messed up bad! Paul and Jalene never had a baby. I jumped to all the wrong conclusions. I should never have said anything to you or Christy.”
“Then go tell him that,” Katie said, motioning in the direction Paul had gone.
“I can’t. It’s too messed up. And I’m still mad at him. He assumed I had a very active past, too. He thinks I’m pressuring him to be my boyfriend or something.” Sierra sank onto the bench, her arms still folded tightly across her
stomach. “I think I’m going to be sick.”
“Hey, don’t get sick here,” Katie said, pulling Sierra up by the arm. “You should go back to your room. I’ll go talk to Paul.”
“No, Katie, don’t.”
“Hey, it’s the least I can do after what happened. You go back to your room, and I’ll call you, okay? I need to apologize to Paul.” Katie was already moving away from Sierra as she said the last sentence. “I have to run if I’m going to catch him.” With that, she sprinted toward the front doors.
Sierra called out to Katie one more time before giving up and heading to her room. With each step, she remembered vividly Paul’s assumptions of her, and her hurt and frustration fanned the fire that had not yet died down inside.
Stomping down the hall, Sierra entered her room and slammed the door behind her—something she was never allowed to do at home. That particular habit had been curbed when she was a small child and she would throw what her mother called “dramatic displays of independence.”
Sierra certainly was in the mood to throw one of those “dramatic displays” right now, and no one was there to stop her. Or discipline her. Or listen to her. Or comfort her. She was all alone.
Sierra picked up one of her throw pillows and threw it at the wall. That didn’t do any good, so she began pacing back and forth, trying to make sense of everything, picking out each feeling and trying to identify it.
First, she knew she felt remorse over her assumption that Paul and Jalene had had a child. Her imagination had gotten way out of control on that one. Why hadn’t she listened to Wes or Christy when they tried to get her to look at other possible explanations? Why did she always get carried away with her zealous, impulsive assumptions? She didn’t blame Paul for being mad at her. He had every right to be furious. If he never spoke to her again, she wouldn’t blame him.
But then, her other feeling was anger at Paul because he had made assumptions about her, too. And that wasn’t fair. Those assumptions hurt her more than she would have expected.
And why did Paul have to walk away from the problem? Why couldn’t he have stayed so they could fight it out? Sierra almost always preferred a good fight to silence.