My nostrils flare and my cheeks grow hot, no doubt turning my face red. It pisses me off when she acts like I’m supposed to be okay with sitting back and playing second fiddle when this wasn’t what I was promised, but it looks like there’s nothing I can do about the choice they’ve made if I want to stay in this band. “Fine, but don’t be surprised when shit doesn’t work out with Ace. I don’t think the guy has what it takes to be a real leader, and he will eventually fuck this band over.”
I don’t give her a chance to say anything else to me. I can’t stand here and listen to her talk about how I’m not good enough one more minute.
I quickly find a ride back to the hotel, needing my space from the whole Wicked White scene. I spend most of my time alone. I don’t do well with people—not anymore. My only friend in this world is Jack, and I’m glad that I can pretty much find him at any bar in the world.
I plop down at the hotel bar, and the middle-aged guy with a graying goatee behind it greets me. “What are you drinking?”
I lay three one-hundred-dollar bills on the marble bar top. “Jack. Make it a double and keep them coming until I’m barely able to ride the elevator back up to my room.”
The man’s brown eyes flick down to the money, and he nods. He doesn’t ask any questions as he pulls out two glasses, and I’m thankful for that. I’m sure he sees his fair share of people who come to drink to forget the shit in their lives. “You got it.”
It’s times like these when I feel the most alone. Whenever I had a problem before, I would just tell London about it, and together we’d figure out a solution. If she were in my life right now, I would be filling her ear with the bullshit that Jane Ann and Ace have been pulling on me lately.
I sigh as I pick up the drink in front of me. That girl . . . she’s irreplaceable. Not only was London the love of my life but my best friend too. I don’t think I’ll ever get over her. The best I can ever hope for is finding a distraction to keep my mind off of her.
The cool glass rolls against my lips as I tip my head back and shoot the fiery liquid down my throat and then immediately follow it with the other glass. The burn is comforting. It wasn’t the right choice, learning to deal with my problems by drowning them with alcohol, I know that, but it was the only thing that worked to take the pain away for just a little while. I have a hard time forgetting how fucked up everything got since the day my entire world was rocked. Since that day I’ve learned that I can’t be a burden on anyone else but me—that I can’t put my problems on someone else, because that will only make them miserable too.
The bartender quickly refills my glasses, and those disappear just as fast. It’s not until I’ve drunk away my first hundred dollars that I notice an attractive woman in her late thirties watching me from two stools down. She’s turned her chair toward me, crossed her toned, slender legs in my direction, and is making no attempt to hide the fact that she’s studying me intently. Her long brown hair falls over her shoulders in soft waves. When I lock my gaze with hers, she grabs the pick holding the olive in her martini and wraps her lips seductively around the little green ball before sucking it off the stick.
There’s no mistaking what this woman wants from me. I’ve been through this more times than I care to admit over the past few years.
With that said, I’m still a man, and I have needs. I’ve learned to never turn away a hot piece of ass that’s willing and very eager to please me. Every conquest I’ve had as of late has been a random lonely woman at the hotel bar. It’s convenient for me to offer to go to their room and fuck their brains out. Most of them are alone on business trips, and I’m sure they’ve got husbands or boyfriends back home waiting for them, but I don’t care. I’ll never see them again, so no one will ever know about their one-night tryst with a rock star. It will just be a memory for them. One they use to get themselves off every now and then when they think about me while their poor schmuck of a husband fucks them.
My affairs never get publicized, and I’m thankful for the privacy. That’s one of the reasons fucking soccer moms is a smart move—they’re hell-bent on keeping their night with me a secret too.
I meet her stare and lick my lips slowly, in a way to make sure she gets that I’m reading her signals loud and clear. “Can I buy you a drink?”
She smiles and stands up. My eyes trace the contours of her body as she swishes her hips in her tight black skirt. This woman is practically in heat, her body begging for me to make it feel good.
She takes the seat next to me and then bites her lower lip. “Sure, lover.”
I glance in the bartender’s direction and point down to the lady’s nearly empty glass, and then hold up my index finger.
The woman beside me doesn’t waste any time as she places her hand on my inner thigh and leans in to whisper in my ear, giving me a straight shot down her form-fitting blouse so I can see that she doesn’t have a bra on. “You’re so sexy in person, and I’m a huge fan who would love to show you a little appreciation. Have you ever been with an older woman?”
For some reason thinking they are the first older woman I’ve ever been with excites them. They get off on the whole Mrs. Robinson thing. I’m sure in this woman’s mind she’s about to show me just how good being with an older woman can be, so I’ll pretend with her, just like I do each and every time, that she’s my very first older lover.
I graze my teeth over my bottom lip and allow my eyes to dip down to her tits before I pull my gaze back up to meet hers. “No, but you sure look like a mom I’d like to fuck.”
Her ruby-red lips pull apart as she grins, loving my answer. “What would you say if I asked you to come up to my room for a bit of fun, then?”
I raise my eyebrows. This one definitely isn’t a bit bashful, and my brain turns with the possibilities of all the freaky shit this woman might be into. Fucking her will be a damn good time. I can already tell.
Sex has become another distraction for me. In the moment all I can think about is finding my own release, and the memories of my past stay far away for that brief time. More than anything, all I want to do is forget—forget how I walked out on everyone who ever gave a damn about me like they didn’t matter to me anymore.
I twist my lips like I’m contemplating her offer, but then I give her the grin she’s been waiting for, letting her know she’s about to get exactly what she’s practically begging me for.
Her face lights up with a seductive smile before her hand drifts over to my crotch and she traces her fingers along the long, hard bulge beneath my jeans. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
I tip one last shot back and then grab her hand, pulling her off the stool toward the elevators, not giving her time to tease me any more. It’s time for her to make good on all the promises of pleasure she’s been dangling in front of me.
I press the up button and glance down at the woman. “Room number?”
“Five thirty-five,” she answers as we step inside the empty elevator and she hits the button for the fifth floor.
When the doors shut us inside alone, I yank her to me and crush my lips against hers, not giving her any time to speak. I’m not feeling up to any conversation tonight. This woman will be a perfect distraction, and I’m so ready to lose myself for a little while.
THEN
LONDON
When we pull into our neighborhood, dread flows through my veins. I’ve had a bad feeling ever since Jared told me this evening that he wasn’t able to get in contact with Julie. As long as I’ve known her, she’s always been available to her boys.
Jared grips the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles turn white, and even though he’s not saying it, I can tell he’s nervous.
I pat his hand. “I’m sure she’s all right.”
I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince more, Jared or myself, at this point.
As we drive past my house, I notice it’s completely dark inside, which doesn’t surprise me because Dad is still working his double. All the other houses we pas
s have lights on, illuminating the inside for the families who are home. Jared’s house comes into view, and oddly, all the lights are on in there as well.
Wes leans forward as if to get a closer look and runs his hand through his blond hair. “Looks like she’s there.”
Jared pulls the truck into the drive and throws the transmission up into park. “Wonder where she’s been all day. She knew we were planning on calling, so she had to realize we’d worry once we couldn’t reach her.”
Wes nods as he opens the car door. “Agreed, she’s probably fine. Maybe we overreacted for nothing.”
Jared sighs. “I hope you’re right.” He turns to me. “Ready?”
We all file out of the truck, and Jared threads his fingers through mine after he shuts the door. We walk up the sidewalk, and when we reach the door, Wes turns the knob to find it unlocked, as if Julie was expecting us.
Wes glances back at Jared, his brown eyes worried. Jared frowns, and the concerned expression he wore on the way over here returns. Julie is a fanatic about locking her door, especially since she’s been alone so much lately with Henry being overseas and both of her sons away at college.
Wes pushes the door open and instantly calls out, “Mom? You here?”
We all wait with bated breath as we step over the threshold. No answer comes, and Jared tightens his grip on my hand.
Wes tries again. “Mom?”
When he doesn’t get an answer, he rushes toward the kitchen with Jared and me right on his heels.
As we turn the corner we see Julie sitting at the head of the table with a vacant expression on her face. She’s not moving—it’s like she’s so lost in thought she doesn’t even realize we’ve been calling her name.
Jared releases my hand and rushes over to his mom’s side and drops to his knees beside her. “Mom?” His voice is barely above a whisper, as if to not frighten her. With a slightly shaky hand, he reaches up to her forearm that’s resting on the table in front of her. “Can you hear me? What’s wrong?”
Jared’s touch causes her to flinch like he startled her from a deep trance. Julie turns her face toward Jared, and the first thing that draws my attention is just how red and swollen her eyes are. It looks like she’s been crying for days. “Jared? When did you get here?”
Despite his calm exterior, Jared’s blue eyes are full of panic as he flicks them up toward his brother’s face. It’s easy for me to read him because I’ve known him for so long and know pretty much what he’s thinking. Even though he looks calm, he’s panicking inside.
Wes steps up next to me and wraps his arm around my shoulders like he’s bracing himself as Jared turns his attention back to Julie.
“We were calling your name. Didn’t you hear us?” Jared asks.
She slowly shakes her head. “I guess I didn’t.”
He draws in a slow breath and then releases it, doing his best to stay calm as he tries to get to the bottom of the situation. “Are you hurt?”
She frowns. “No.”
The muscles tense in Jared’s back beneath his dark T-shirt. “Is Dad okay?”
Wes’s fingers dig into my shoulders a bit, and I hold my breath as fear rocks me. I pray to God that what comes out of her mouth isn’t what I think it’s going to be. Whatever she’s about to say, it’s bad.
Julie’s eyebrows draw in and her lips pull into a tight line while she tries hard to fight back tears. “No. He’s not.”
As soon as the words leave her lips, she bursts into tears. She gasps and begins crying so hard that she can barely catch her breath.
The three of us are paralyzed, like we didn’t just hear what she said.
“What do you mean? Did he get hurt?” Jared licks his lips slowly and gives her a gentle shake. When she’s unable to answer him, he raises his voice, causing her to jump. “Tell me!”
“Jared . . .” she whispers, and then her gaze turns up to Wes, who is still by my side. “Wes . . . your dad . . . he’s . . . he’s . . .”
Jared drops his head into his hands and nearly collapses onto the floor but is able to keep his body upright. A hard sob rips through him, and he fights hard to catch his breath. Wes’s hand flies to his mouth as tears begin pouring from his eyes.
My heart breaks for this family that I love so much. I don’t even bother trying to hide my tears as I drop down to my knees beside Jared and attempt to wrap my arms around him to comfort him the only way I can. “Jared . . . oh my God. I’m so—”
“Don’t you dare say it. Don’t you dare!” The panic mixed with anger in Jared’s voice is clear. “If you say it out loud, then it makes it real.”
Julie bites her bottom lip and reaches out to touch Jared’s shoulder. “He’s gone, son.”
“No!” Jared roars, leaping to his feet and knocking me back onto my butt in the process. His eyes are wide and have a wild look like I’ve never seen before, and it scares me a bit, but I understand why he’s come unhinged. “Don’t you lie to me!”
“Son . . . please,” Julie pleads. “This is hard enough.”
“No! You’re wrong. The army’s wrong. My dad . . . he’s strong. He promised me he would be back. He promised! There’s no way that he’s dead! Dad wouldn’t break his word like that.”
I push myself up off the floor and reach out to Jared, but the moment I wrap my fingers around his biceps he shrugs me off. “Don’t touch me!”
I flinch but understand his rage and jerk my hand away. Wes wraps his arm tightly around me, as if to protect me from my own boyfriend, and then pulls me back a couple steps. Wes’s attempt to hold me back doesn’t stop me from trying to reason with Jared.
“Jared, please.” I beg for him to just take a breath and realize that he’s not the only one hurting.
His eyes snap in my direction and then they zero in on Wes’s hand on my shoulder. His face twists as he narrows his eyes. “Get your fucking hands off of her!”
My eyes widen as Jared directs his anger over the news we just heard onto his brother, who is only attempting to comfort me.
Wes lifts his hand off of me and then holds them both up. Wes’s surrender doesn’t mean anything to Jared, because he takes a step closer to his brother. Standing toe to toe, they are nearly the same height, but Jared’s got about twenty pounds or so on Wes. Both men stand there in the kitchen, breathing heavily, neither backing down.
Jared stares into Wes’s eyes. “Don’t you ever touch her again or I swear to God—”
“Jared!” Julie jumps up from her chair, trying to stop her sons from coming to blows. “Enough! We’re all upset, and we just need to calm down.”
His mother’s voice seems to cut through Jared’s anger enough to freeze him in place. After a long moment, Jared simply shakes his head and takes a step back. “This is bullshit,” he yells so loud that I swear the pictures on the walls shake. He takes yet another step back away from Wes. “I’m out of here.”
“Ja—” I start to chase after him, but again Wes grabs me, locking me into place while Jared storms out of the kitchen.
The front door slams, and the distinct rumble of his truck engine roaring to life causes my breath to catch. I’m so stunned by the entire situation that my brain isn’t functioning properly to alert me right away that Jared shouldn’t be alone right now, no matter how angry he is and how much he wants to be on his own. He needs someone with him, and it hurts a bit that he won’t let me be there for him.
I take a deep breath and decide that I’m not going to let him push me out right now.
I turn to chase after him, but Wes halts me in my tracks. “Don’t, London. He needs time to process this on his own. He’s too worked up right now to listen to reason. I don’t want him to fly off the handle and hurt you.”
My brow furrows. “He would never—”
“Not intentionally, no, but Jared isn’t himself right now. You saw that. Give him space. Let him calm down,” Wes says.
Julie begins crying again as the three of us remain in the kitchen tog
ether. Her soft cries fill the room, and my heart instantly begins to crumble as the realization of the situation hits me hard. While I loved Henry, I know that the love I had for him doesn’t compare to the love Jared had for his father. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to face in my life was the death of my own mother. Life for Jared without his dad will never be the same. The same goes for Wes and Julie too.
I pull out the chair next to Julie and sit next to her, taking her hand in my own while Wes sits on the opposite side of her, mimicking my actions with her other hand.
I lick my dry lips as I choose my next words carefully. “Do you know exactly what happened to Henry?”
Wes worries his bottom lip, and I can tell he’s waiting with bated breath for that answer.
I release Julie’s hand and grab a napkin from the little porcelain holder sitting in the middle of the table. I hold it out to her, and she takes it and wipes her nose. “They say he was guarding a convoy when it was attacked by members of the Taliban. There were three Kuwaiti citizens and two other military policemen who were also killed. It was a routine route to transport food and water to the starving civilians who were thrown into the middle of this war. Henry jumped out of the deuce and a half to assist a wounded child and was shot through the neck.”
Wes draws in a sharp breath and bites his bottom lip in an attempt to stop it from trembling, and my heart is obliterated into a million pieces.
A lump fills my throat, and my eyes burn as I picture what Henry’s last few seconds on this earth must have been like. A weight sits on my chest and I gasp. It’s like all the air has been sucked from the room, making it nearly impossible to breathe.