VI
Oh, if I had done nothing simply from laziness! Heavens, how I shouldhave respected myself, then. I should have respected myself because Ishould at least have been capable of being lazy; there would at leasthave been one quality, as it were, positive in me, in which I couldhave believed myself. Question: What is he? Answer: A sluggard; howvery pleasant it would have been to hear that of oneself! It wouldmean that I was positively defined, it would mean that there wassomething to say about me. "Sluggard"--why, it is a calling andvocation, it is a career. Do not jest, it is so. I should then be amember of the best club by right, and should find my occupation incontinually respecting myself. I knew a gentleman who prided himselfall his life on being a connoisseur of Lafitte. He considered this ashis positive virtue, and never doubted himself. He died, not simplywith a tranquil, but with a triumphant conscience, and he was quiteright, too. Then I should have chosen a career for myself, I shouldhave been a sluggard and a glutton, not a simple one, but, forinstance, one with sympathies for everything sublime and beautiful.How do you like that? I have long had visions of it. That "sublimeand beautiful" weighs heavily on my mind at forty But that is at forty;then--oh, then it would have been different! I should have found formyself a form of activity in keeping with it, to be precise, drinkingto the health of everything "sublime and beautiful." I should havesnatched at every opportunity to drop a tear into my glass and then todrain it to all that is "sublime and beautiful." I should then haveturned everything into the sublime and the beautiful; in the nastiest,unquestionable trash, I should have sought out the sublime and thebeautiful. I should have exuded tears like a wet sponge. An artist,for instance, paints a picture worthy of Gay. At once I drink to thehealth of the artist who painted the picture worthy of Gay, because Ilove all that is "sublime and beautiful." An author has written AS YOUWILL: at once I drink to the health of "anyone you will" because I loveall that is "sublime and beautiful."
I should claim respect for doing so. I should persecute anyone whowould not show me respect. I should live at ease, I should die withdignity, why, it is charming, perfectly charming! And what a goodround belly I should have grown, what a treble chin I should haveestablished, what a ruby nose I should have coloured for myself, sothat everyone would have said, looking at me: "Here is an asset! Hereis something real and solid!" And, say what you like, it is veryagreeable to hear such remarks about oneself in this negative age.