for me which I have for her. Shecould not, no, she COULD not, desire to have a lover who had insultedher so. No, I believe I am free from her love--but how about her hate?Might she not use these powers of hers for revenge? Tut! why should Ifrighten myself over shadows? She will forget about me, and I shallforget about her, and all will be well.
April 13. My nerves have quite recovered their tone. I really believethat I have conquered the creature. But I must confess to living insome suspense. She is well again, for I hear that she was driving withMrs. Wilson in the High Street in the afternoon.
April 14. I do wish I could get away from the place altogether. Ishall fly to Agatha's side the very day that the term closes. Isuppose it is pitiably weak of me, but this woman gets upon my nervesmost terribly. I have seen her again, and I have spoken with her.
It was just after lunch, and I was smoking a cigarette in my study,when I heard the step of my servant Murray in the passage. I waslanguidly conscious that a second step was audible behind, and hadhardly troubled myself to speculate who it might be, when suddenly aslight noise brought me out of my chair with my skin creeping withapprehension. I had never particularly observed before what sort ofsound the tapping of a crutch was, but my quivering nerves told me thatI heard it now in the sharp wooden clack which alternated with themuffled thud of the foot fall. Another instant and my servant hadshown her in.
I did not attempt the usual conventions of society, nor did she. Isimply stood with the smouldering cigarette in my hand, and gazed ather. She in her turn looked silently at me, and at her look Iremembered how in these very pages I had tried to define the expressionof her eyes, whether they were furtive or fierce. To-day they werefierce--coldly and inexorably so.
"Well," said she at last, "are you still of the same mind as when I sawyou last?"
"I have always been of the same mind."
"Let us understand each other, Professor Gilroy," said she slowly. "Iam not a very safe person to trifle with, as you should realize by now.It was you who asked me to enter into a series of experiments with you,it was you who won my affections, it was you who professed your lovefor me, it was you who brought me your own photograph with words ofaffection upon it, and, finally, it was you who on the very sameevening thought fit to insult me most outrageously, addressing me as noman has ever dared to speak to me yet. Tell me that those words camefrom you in a moment of passion and I am prepared to forget and toforgive them. You did not mean what you said, Austin? You do notreally hate me?"
I might have pitied this deformed woman--such a longing for love brokesuddenly through the menace of her eyes. But then I thought of what Ihad gone through, and my heart set like flint.
"If ever you heard me speak of love," said I, "you know very well thatit was your voice which spoke, and not mine. The only words of truthwhich I have ever been able to say to you are those which you heardwhen last we met."
"I know. Some one has set you against me. It was he!" She tapped withher crutch upon the floor. "Well, you know very well that I couldbring you this instant crouching like a spaniel to my feet. You willnot find me again in my hour of weakness, when you can insult me withimpunity. Have a care what you are doing, Professor Gilroy. You standin a terrible position. You have not yet realized the hold which Ihave upon you."
I shrugged my shoulders and turned away.
"Well," said she, after a pause, "if you despise my love, I must seewhat can be done with fear. You smile, but the day will come when youwill come screaming to me for pardon. Yes, you will grovel on theground before me, proud as you are, and you will curse the day thatever you turned me from your best friend into your most bitter enemy.Have a care, Professor Gilroy!" I saw a white hand shaking in the air,and a face which was scarcely human, so convulsed was it with passion.An instant later she was gone, and I heard the quick hobble and tapreceding down the passage.
But she has left a weight upon my heart. Vague presentiments of comingmisfortune lie heavy upon me. I try in vain to persuade myself thatthese are only words of empty anger. I can remember those relentlesseyes too clearly to think so. What shall I do--ah, what shall I do? Iam no longer master of my own soul. At any moment this loathsomeparasite may creep into me, and then---- I must tell some one myhideous secret--I must tell it or go mad. If I had some one tosympathize and advise! Wilson is out of the question. Charles Sadlerwould understand me only so far as his own experience carries him.Pratt-Haldane! He is a well-balanced man, a man of great common-senseand resource. I will go to him. I will tell him every thing. Godgrant that he may be able to advise me!
IV
6.45 P. M. No, it is useless. There is no human help for me; I mustfight this out single-handed. Two courses lie before me. I mightbecome this woman's lover. Or I must endure such persecutions as shecan inflict upon me. Even if none come, I shall live in a hell ofapprehension. But she may torture me, she may drive me mad, she maykill me: I will never, never, never give in. What can she inflictwhich would be worse than the loss of Agatha, and the knowledge that Iam a perjured liar, and have forfeited the name of gentleman?
Pratt-Haldane was most amiable, and listened with all politeness to mystory. But when I looked at his heavy set features, his slow eyes, andthe ponderous study furniture which surrounded him, I could hardly tellhim what I had come to say. It was all so substantial, so material.And, besides, what would I myself have said a short month ago if one ofmy colleagues had come to me with a story of demonic possession?Perhaps. I should have been less patient than he was. As it was, hetook notes of my statement, asked me how much tea I drank, how manyhours I slept, whether I had been overworking much, had I had suddenpains in the head, evil dreams, singing in the ears, flashes before theeyes--all questions which pointed to his belief that brain congestionwas at the bottom of my trouble. Finally he dismissed me with a greatmany platitudes about open-air exercise, and avoidance of nervousexcitement. His prescription, which was for chloral and bromide, Irolled up and threw into the gutter.
No, I can look for no help from any human being. If I consult anymore, they may put their heads together and I may find myself in anasylum. I can but grip my courage with both hands, and pray that anhonest man may not be abandoned.
April 10. It is the sweetest spring within the memory of man. Sogreen, so mild, so beautiful! Ah, what a contrast between naturewithout and my own soul so torn with doubt and terror! It has been anuneventful day, but I know that I am on the edge of an abyss. I knowit, and yet I go on with the routine of my life. The one bright spotis that Agatha is happy and well and out of all danger. If thiscreature had a hand on each of us, what might she not do?
April 16. The woman is ingenious in her torments. She knows how fondI am of my work, and how highly my lectures are thought of. So it isfrom that point that she now attacks me. It will end, I can see, in mylosing my professorship, but I will fight to the finish. She shall notdrive me out of it without a struggle.
I was not conscious of any change during my lecture this morning savethat for a minute or two I had a dizziness and swimminess which rapidlypassed away. On the contrary, I congratulated myself upon having mademy subject (the functions of the red corpuscles) both interesting andclear. I was surprised, therefore, when a student came into mylaboratory immediately after the lecture, and complained of beingpuzzled by the discrepancy between my statements and those in the textbooks. He showed me his note-book, in which I was reported as havingin one portion of the lecture championed the most outrageous andunscientific heresies. Of course I denied it, and declared that he hadmisunderstood me, but on comparing his notes with those of hiscompanions, it became clear that he was right, and that I really hadmade some most preposterous statements. Of course I shall explain itaway as being the result of a moment of aberration, but I feel only toosure that it will be the first of a series. It is but a month now tothe end of the session, and I pray that I may be able to hold out untilthen.
April 26. Ten days have ela
psed since I have had the heart to make anyentry in my journal. Why should I record my own humiliation anddegradation? I had vowed never to open it again. And yet the force ofhabit is strong, and here I find myself taking up once more the recordof my own dreadful experiences--in much the same spirit in which asuicide has been known to take notes of the effects of the poison whichkilled him.
Well, the crash which I had foreseen has come--and that no further backthan yesterday. The university authorities have taken my lectureshipfrom me. It has been done in the most delicate way, purporting to be atemporary measure to relieve me from the effects of overwork, and togive me the opportunity of recovering my health. None the less, it hasbeen done, and I am no longer Professor Gilroy. The laboratory isstill in my charge, but I have little doubt that that also will soon go.
The fact is that my lectures had become the laughing-stock of theuniversity. My