wager. Come along.”
The bottle was placed in position. Crack! The passenger hit it, and itdisappeared in fragments into the sea.
“Trot out another one,” said the marksman.
“Not at all. The conditions were that you hit that one three times outof six. Five shots more.”
ONLY A RUSE AFTER ALL
The called-up one volubly explained that there was no need in his casefor a medical examination.
“I’m fit and I want to fight. I want to go over on the first boat. Iwant to go right into the front trenches, but I want to have a hospitalclose, so that if I get hit no time will be wasted in taking me where Ican get mended right away, so that I can get back to fighting withoutlosing a minute. Pass me in, doctor. Don’t waste any time on me. I wantto fight, and keep fighting!”
The doctor, however, insisted, and, when he got through, reported aperfect physical specimen.
“You don’t find nothing wrong with me, doctor?”
“Nothing.”
“But, doctor, don’t you think I’m a bit crazy?”
TRY IT ON THE YANKS
She—“Yes, sir, I believe that woman’s place in this war is right besidethe men on the battle line.”
He—“And suppose a commander sent a party of six men and six women outin the woods to see if the enemy were in sight, would you call thatwar? That would be a picnic!”
HER MEASURE OF SUCCESS
He—“And how are you getting on with your collecting for the soldiers?”
She—“Splendidly! I’ve had my name in the papers four times already.”
BETTER MAKE AN OMELET
“I’ll put you in the commissary department if you’ll answer thefollowing question: What would you do if you had one hundred soldiersand only ninety-nine eggs?”
“I’d shoot one of the soldiers!”
THE USUAL PREFERENCE
That the British “Tommy” is as ready with his tongue as with his gunwas aptly shown the other day when a number of wounded soldiers werebeing admitted to a hospital.
One of the patients was being carried to a ward named L, but at thedoor the stretcher bearers were met by the Sister in charge, who said,“I’m sorry, but L’s full.”
“All right,” cheerily replied the irrepressible “Tommy,” “we’ll just goto ’eaven.”
NOTHING TO FIGHT FOR
Jem—“Why don’t you shoulder a gun?”
Ben—“Ah ain’t got nothin’ against nobody in dis here world, and if Ihave I forgive ’em!”
Jem—“But your country is at war and you’ve got to carry a gun.”
Ben—“Man, the only time Ah carry a gun is when I’m after one lone manand not after an army!”
Jem—“But why don’t you fight for your country?”
Ben—“Ah live in the city!”
BOTH UP AND DOWN, AUNTIE
Aunt Nancy was visiting an army camp and as she approached some rookieswere sitting on their heels and then rising to a standing position inperfect unison.
“What are the boys doing now?” she asked.
“Why, those are the setting-up exercises,” explained an obligingsergeant.
“Humph,” remarked auntie. “Looks to me more like settin’ downexercises.”
SECURING A TEMPORARY DIVORCE
There is a man in Bozeman, Mont., who will probably go through lifebewailing the injustice of the draft board that certified him forservice, despite the fact that he presented a letter written by hiswife to prove that he had a dependent family. Here is the letter:
“Dear United States Army: My husband ast me to write a reckomend thathe supports his famly. He can not read so dont tell him. Jus take him.He ain’t no good to me. He aint done nothing but play a fiddle anddrink lemmen essense since I married him, eight years ago, and I got tofeed seven kids of his. Maybe you can get him to carry a gun. He’s goodon squirrels and eatin’. Take him and welcum. I need the grub and hisbed for the kids. Don’t tell him this but take him.”
REMINDS ONE OF PLATTSBURG
“Now, Lieutenant Tompkins,” said the general, “you have the battalionin quarter column, facing south—how would you get it into line, in thequickest possible way, facing northeast?”
“Well, sir,” said the lieutenant, after a moment’s fruitlessconsideration, “do you know, that’s what I’ve often wondered.”
MONOLOGUE, BY NAT M. WILLS
(As delivered in Chicago.)
I just asked a policeman the quickest way to the hospital. He told meto go down to Jefferson street and yell hurrah for the czar. John D.Rockefeller wants to go to the front, but I don’t think he’ll do muchfor the country. When the officer says advance he’ll raise the price ofgasoline.
You know all that peace talk is over. The peace party crawled into ahole and pulled the hole in after them—they’re afraid of the draft.
Some men are born soldiers, others develop into fighters after theymarry. I’ve been in four battles.
The very first night I was married my wife broke this news to me. “Youknow, dear, I can’t dress myself,” so I got her a French maid; and, “Ican’t drive my own car,” so I got her a chauffeur. Then she said: “Youknow I walk in my sleep,” so I had to get her a night watchman.
Uncle Sam is preparing all right in a hundred different ways we knownothing about. A man who comes up to you on the street may be anofficer. If you get a drink in Kansas City, well, that’s secret service.
It certainly was pretty windy around the Masonic temple today. You knowtwo girls were passing; one had red, white and blue stockings on andthe other green; they were going in the opposite direction. I didn’tknow which to look at, but decided to see America first.
Sousa and I got together a couple of seasons ago. His band was goingto play my songs. I met him the other day just as I was going into asaloon. He said: “Nat, my band of 300 men will accompany you.” I said:“That’s all right with me, Phil, but do you think there’ll be room?”
PARDONABLE MISTAKE
Captain Jones was a very round-shouldered and eccentric officer.
On a particularly dark night in Egypt, while practicing his company inoutpost duty, he approached one of the sentries who failed to halt him.
In a great rage the officer demanded of the now trembling sentry thereason why he had omitted to challenge him.
“If you please, sir,” stuttered the confused soldier, “I thought youwas a camel.”
HE WAS REAL MAD ABOUT IT
Two privates met the other morning near the canteen, which, from thefact that a monkey was kept on the counter, was popularly known as the“Monkey House.”
“Halloa, Jack,” said the first. “You look a bit off this morning.”
“Yes, Bill,” replied Jack. “I haven’t the price of a wet.”
“Neither have I,” replied Bill; “but I think I know how to get a coupleof pints. Come into the Monkey House.”
They entered the canteen and Bill called for two pints. While thebarman’s back was turned Bill hit the monkey a clout on the head, whichcaused the animal to scream out.
“What was that for?” asked the barman, wrathfully.
“Not the first time he has done that,” shouted Bill, angrily.
“Done what?” asked the barman.
“Why, picked up my shilling and swallowed it,” replied Bill.
“Well,” said the indignant barman, “why didn’t you tell me before youhit the monkey? There’s your two pints and your sevenpence change. Anddon’t you interfere with my monkey again.”
HE KNEW WHERE THEY WERE
The scene was a cinema palace, as they call ’em in England, where theSomme battle-pictures were being flickered.
As the Warwickshires were seen going over the top to the attack, anexcited Birmingham man exclaimed, triumphantly: “What about yourHighland regiments now?”
As luck would have it, there was a short, bandy-legged Scot in a kiltwithin hearing.
He flared up and replied: “What about oor Hiela
nt regiments? Why,they are keepin’ back the Germans while your men are gettin’ theirphotographs took.”
JUST A BIT OF TRENCH REPARTEE
Australian Soldier (to American)—“You Yanks think you’ve done a lot,but you forget we Australians have been at the game for four years.”
“Well, what have you done, anyway?”
“Done? We’ve been at Gallipoli, Mesopotamia, the plains of Bethlehem,and——”
“The plains of Bethlehem?”
“Yes; I slept a week there myself.”
“Well, I guess that was a busy week for the shepherds watching theirflocks!”
NOT MENTIONABLE IN SOCIETY
“I know you have pet names for the big guns, but what do you call theshells?”
“Depends, ’ow close you are to where they burst, mum!”
NOW SHE KNOWS WHY
She had intently watched the soldier for some time. Then she ventured:“The chin strap, I suppose, is to keep your hat on, my man?”
“No,” replied Yank, “it’s to rest the jaw after answering questions.”
INTERCEPTED WAR MESSAGES
A wire from Secretary of War Baker: “Discuss no war news in front ofhorses. They carry tails.”
Cable from King George to the President: “Send me over 5,000 sewingmachines, we want to hem the Germans on the border.”
From King George: “Must have $5,000,000; if it can’t be had any otherway get it from the waiters at the Waldorf.”
Stone wires: “If war breaks out I’ll stand behind the army.”
Cable from Russian general: “Over a million pairs of pajamas at once;Russian army ready to retire.”
Wire from Empress of Germany to Queen Mary (sent collect): “Am sittingon my veranda crocheting; would like to have you join me—Nit.”
From the Czar of Russia: “It’s pretty tough to be seated on the throneone minute and thrown on your seat the next.”
WHAT MOTHERS ALWAYS SAY
“Remember, my son,” said his mother as she bade him good-by, “whenyou get to camp try to be punctual in the mornings, so as not to keepbreakfast waiting.”
FASHION NOTE FROM THE FRONT
“Where are you going?” asked one rookie of another.
“Going to the blacksmith shop to get my tin hat reblocked.”
ONE GERMAN WE FORGIVE
The following story which is going the rounds of the Continentalpapers, including even those of Austria, must make the Germans gnashtheir teeth.
A German and a Dane met recently in Schiller’s house in Weimar. As theystood gazing reverently on the scene the German, swelling with pride,remarked to his fellow-visitor:
“So this is where our national poet, Schiller, lived.”
“Pardon me,” said the other; “not national, but international.”
“How so?” asked the German, with surprise.
“Why, consider his works,” the Dane replied. “He wrote, ‘Mary Stuart’for the English, ‘The Maid of Orleans’ for the French, ‘Egmont’ for theDutch, ‘William Tell’ for the Swiss—”
“And what did he write for the Germans, pray?” broke in the other. Patcame the Dane’s answer:
“For the Germans he wrote, ‘The Robbers.’”
EQUINE “NOW I LAY ME”
Tommy (to the “charger” he has borrowed during a week-end leave afterit has been down three times in ten minutes)—Wot! On yer knees agen? Goon—get on with it—“Bless Pa and Ma an’ make me a good ’orse. Amen.”
ONE BRITISH ATROCITY
The “Swanky” One—“I’m smoking a terrible lot of cigars lately.”
The Other (with conviction)—“You’re right, if that’s one of them!”
NEVER MIND THE NAME
How to pronounce some of the names of the towns which the Americans getinto puzzles the boys, so they have their own pronunciation. Thus, whenthey captured Seringes, it became Syringe, and Fismes became Fiz. WhenFismettes was taken, the battalion commander went back to report, madeseveral assaults upon its pronunciation and finally said:
“Well, I can’t tell you what town it is, but I’ve taken the damnedplace, anyhow.”
FRENCH IN THE TRENCH
Tommy (to Jock, on leave)—“What about the lingo? Suppose you want tosay ‘egg’ over there, what do you say?”
Jock—“Ye juist say ‘Oof.’”
Tommy—“But suppose you want two?”
Jock—“Ye say, ‘Twa oofs,’ and the silly auld fule wife gies ye three,and ye juist gie her back one. Man, it’s an awfu’ easy language.”
SCOTCH PROVISIONS
Captain John Stevenson met a recent arrival from the “auld countree”and speedily got into a chat with him over conditions there. The newarrival told feelingly of the terrible toll of war on the fair land ofScotia, the sad tales of young men killed and maimed, the sufferings ofthe families left behind. His was a right sad tale in every way.
“Wy, man, we’re jist plum distrackit wi’ it,” he concluded.
“And I suppose the war has caused the price of provisions to go up inScotland as well as everywhere else?” commented Captain Stevenson withsympathy.
“Aye, man, ye’re richt,” agreed the visitor. “Proveesions have gone upsaxpence the bottle.”
VERY LIKE MOSES
The conditions in the trenches were dreary in the extreme after thedrenching and long-continued rainfall, but the irrepressible spirits ofthe “Pals” were not yet entirely quenched when the order came to leavethe trenches.
“Hurry up out of this, my gallant soldiers,” was the cheery call of thesergeant to his waist-deep and rain-sodden men.
“Soldiers!” came the derisive answer from one of them. “I’m not asoldier; I’m a blooming bulrush!”
THEY FIXED YOU, WILLIE
“We played fool,” declared the Crown Prince “I see it now.”
“Huh?”
“We had the whole world to pick a fight with.”
“Well?”
“And look at the crowd we picked out.”
SAFETY FIRST
Messages had come to the office of a great illustrated paper thatZeppelins were approaching London.
The editor at once summoned his staff of photographers.
“Now, boys, we’ve got to have a picture of this Zepp. We were badlybeaten on the last. The moment it approaches I want every man to rushto the roof with his camera and stay there, whatever happens, until hegets a picture. Let me know directly you get it. You’ll find me underthe heap of coal bags in the right-hand corner of the lower cellar!”
NO SUGAR IN HEAVEN
First Tommy (as he reads the local paper sent from home)—“O, Bill, whatdo you think of it? They’re issuing a list in Blighty of the peoplewhat are going to do without using any more sugar!”
Second Tommy (eagerly grasping the paper and straining his eyes to findthe list of names)—“Where did you see, it Harry?”
First Tommy—“Why, there” (pointing to the death column).
YOU CAN’T DO THIS IN BATTLE
The military maneuvered. All the afternoon the attackers had attackedand the defenders defended, with conspicuous lack of incident orbravery. Operations were beginning to drag horribly when the white flagwent up.
The officer in command of the attackers stared in amazement.
“A flag of truce!” he exclaimed. “What do they want?”
The sergeant-major endeavored to cover up a smile.
“They say, sir,” he reported, “that, as it’s tea time, they’d like toexchange a couple o’ privates for a can of condensed milk—if you canafford it.”
NOW IT’S “ALL DUNN”
An Irish recruit named Dunn was arranging to let his friends know wherehe was when on active service.
“If I go to France,” he said, “I shall sign my letter F. Dunn; toEgypt, E. Dunn.”
“When the war is over and you come home, what will you sign?”
“We’re Dunn!”
“Well done,” shoute
d his friends.
A LAST FAREWELL
Private Doolan was six feet three inches in his socks. Beside him thesergeant on duty was a bantam.
“Head up there, Doolan!” he cried. Doolan raised his head.
“Up higher,” shouted the little sergeant.
“There, that’s better. Don’t let me see you with your head down again.”
“Am I to be always like this?” asked Doolan, staring away above thelittle man’s head.
“You are.”
“Then I’ll say good-bye to ye, sergeant, for I’ll never see ye again.”
TOO MODEST BY FAR
During a camp parade of the buglers recently an Irish corporal was incharge. He was asked by the commanding officer if all the buglers werepresent: He replied: “No, sorr, wan man absent.”
“Well, then,” said the officer, “go and find him and ask him what hehas to say for himself.”
A few minutes later Pat came running back. “Shure, sorr,” he cried,“and weren’t we a pair of duffers not to know it? It wor meself. Bedad,sorr, Oi forgot to call me own name entoirely.”
ANOTHER WAR CASUALTY
“You don’t seem to feel so enthusiastic as usual about speech-making.”
“Well,” answered Senator Sorghum, “times have changed and it isn’t soeasy for a man in a silk hat and a frock-coat to stand out before a lotof men in khaki uniforms or overalls and assert that he is saving thecountry all by himself.”
PREACHER HAD A SCOOP
An editor in the Far West dropped into church for the first time inmany years. The minister was in the very heart of the sermon. Theeditor listened for a while, and then rushed to his office.
“What are you fellows doing? How about the news from the seat of war?”
“What news?”
“Why, all this about the Egyptian Army being drowned in the Red Sea.The minister up at the church knows all about it, and you have not aword of it in our latest. Bustle round, you fellows, and get out anextra-special edition.”
THERE IS TIME FOR BOTH
One industrious war-gardener is pictured as working busily andreflecting on the virtue of raising his own food-supply.
“If everybody grew his own vegetables and ate less meat,” hesoliloquized, “we’d put old Bill on the bum in a hurry. This is toughwork, but I’ll stick to it if it kills me. I’m with Hoover on this.”
At this point a fine assortment of earthworms was unearthed. Thedigger’s reflections immediately shifted to a shady stream and thefinal scene shows him happily fishing.
“Oh, well,” he reflects to soothe his conscience, “vegetables or fish;it’s all the same to Mr. Hoover.”
THEY DO SOUND ALIKE
“Now,” said the