“Come along! We’re goin’ ter drownyer!”
THEY ALL GET ’EM
Bill is a soldier in France. Several months ago his sweetheart, Dolly,sent him a box of fruit, nuts, etc. Two weeks later she sent a letterand incidentally asked him if he got the goodies. She evidently didn’twrite distinctly or Bill didn’t read carefully. To her surprise shereceived a letter from him saying: “Yes, every soldier gets thecooties.” So much alike, yet so different.
REACHED HIS LIMIT
After coming in from a 20-mile “hike” the officer in command of a negrocompany said, before dismissing them: “I want all the men who are tootired to take another hike to take two paces forward.”
All stepped forward except one big, husky six-footer. Noticing him, theofficer said: “Well, Johnson, ready for twenty miles more?”
“No, sah,” replied Johnson. “Ah’m too tired to even take dem two steps.”
SEEKING INFORMATION
Sambo, a dusky warrior in the American army, had only recently landed,and was comparing London with New York. He paused before a shop windowfull of watches. His gaze became fixed on a very shiny watch on avelvet cushion, on which was pinned a card bearing the words, “Thiswatch will go for eight days without winding.”
Sambo pondered, and then walked straight into the shop: “Say, boss,will you tell how long dat darn watch will go if you do wind it up?”
BIRDS FAR SURPASSED
“Look at that fellow doing the ‘falling leaf,’ the ‘tail spin,’ andother fancy tricks away up there in the air.”
“I see him.”
“I never thought I’d live to see a man as much at home in the air as abird.”
“Umph! No bird is in the same class with an expert aviator when itcomes to flying. Did you ever see a bird that could fly upside down?”
NO KICK COMING
Camp Devens, Mass.—Seven hundred and fifty medical replacement troopshave just left this camp for service overseas. Just before theirdeparture a sergeant from the Depot Brigade came to Lieut.-Col. C. C.McCornack, Division Surgeon, and asked for a transfer to the detachmentthen about to leave.
“Colonel,” he pleaded, “I’ve been in this doggone army more than ayear. In that time I’ve scarcely set foot outside this camp. If I don’tget across now, I never will. I’ll be a hell of a soldier, won’t I?”
Col. McCornack leaned back in his chair and laughed.
“Sergeant,” he said, “you’ve got a fine chance of getting any sympathyout of me on that score. I’ve been in the Army twenty years and haven’tgot across. What are you kicking about?”
A REAL SPREE
The Liberty Bond squad had some interesting experiences. “I am notsubscribing for this $50 Liberty Bond to please you,” explained awoman, as doleful as she is wealthy. “I am doing it to please my ownself.”
“Make it $100,” said the young solicitor, “and give yourself oneroaring, rousing good time.”
MOVING PICTURE IN ONE REEL
The chaplain of a certain camp was challenged by a sentry with, “Halt!Who goes there?”
The minister answered, “Chaplain.”
“Advance, Charlie,” ordered the sentry, “and be recognized.” For whichhe was banished to the guardroom.
USEFUL AND ORNAMENTAL
The flappers were taken out to tea by two staff officers resplendentin scarlet and khaki. Being “on the staff” caused the two young mento be very popular with themselves, and to treat the flappers ratherpatronizingly. The younger of the two girls was lost in admiration.Looking up her escort adoringly, she cooed:
“O, what lovely boots! And spurs, too! Why do you wear spurs?”
“O,” chipped in the other girl, who objected to being regarded as aninfant, “the spurs are to keep the feet from slipping off their officestools!”
THE MILITARY HAIR CUT
A grizzled chap in a captain’s uniform came into a barber shop. Hesaluted smartly and seated himself in the chair.
“Hair cut,” he said in gruff tones.
“How would you like it cut, sir?” the barber asked.
The captain, who was baldish, answered, gruffer than ever:
“Line up the hairs and number off to the right. Odd numbers each wanta half inch off. Dress smartly with bay rum and brilliantine. Thendismiss.”
BASEBALL IN BLIGHTY
An American officer recently expressed his surprise that Englishpeople had so quickly appreciated the fascinations of baseball, andparticularly how very enthusiastic women were on the game.
“Why, at the Navy and Army match the other week,” he said, “I countedquite twenty ‘fans’ among the women sitting around me.”
“Yes,” said a charming old lady, “and I wished I had taken mine, forthe heat was terribly trying.”
UNIVERSAL COMPLAINT
An American soldier was being shown over an old English church wherehundreds of people were buried.
“A great many people sleep between these walls,” said the guide,indicating the inscription-covered floor.
“So?” said the doughboy. “Same way over in our country. Why don’t youget a more interesting preacher?”
SAMPLE WAS SATISFACTORY
It was a hot day, and two sailors had just been released from a longspell of duty on a mine sweeper. They made a bee-line for the firstpublic-house they saw, and one of them ordered two quarts of ale. Themen emptied their mugs in one draught whilst the barmaid looked on inundisguised admiration.
The man who had paid stood for a second or two wetting his lipsmeditatively, and then turned to his comrade with a grin.
“’Tain’t so bad, Bill, is it?” he remarked. “Shall we ’ave some?”
NO FUN WITHOUT FUNDS
A New York editor said on his return from an official visit to thefront:
“The soldier can still have a good time on his furlough, but the warprices make a good time costly.
“A handsome young American officer was sending a wire one day in aLondon postoffice where I was mailing a package. The girl telegraphclerk, running over the officer’s message said:
“‘I can’t make out whether this reads ”No funds“ or ”No fun.“’
“‘Oh, well, what’s the difference?’ said the officer, gloomily lightinga cigarette.”
THOUGHT HE HAD ARRIVED
One of our transports sailing from an Atlantic port, heading for Francewith a load of negro troops, had engine trouble two days out. It wasdecided that the ship put back to port, and it returned, but to adifferent pier of that same port.
The dusky warriors were immediately unloaded and made ready to embarkon another ship. While standing in line, one of the braves stepped outand walking up to an officer asked:
“Ah beg yo’ pardin, sah, but can you tell me whar the city of Parislies fum hyere?”
“COUNT ’EM NOW, MISTAH KAISER”
This story was brought back from the trenches by a Knights of Columbussecretary:
A colored soldier, hearing the report of a 14-inch naval gun exclaimed:
“There! Mistah Kaiser! You all count your men now and see how many ismissing.”
THE SHREWESBURY POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS