coming, so he killed and dressed his one pig, cleaned it,put it into his bed with only a part of the underface exposed, and puta lighted candle at each side of the bed. When the Germans arrived anofficer entered the house, went into the room, saw what he believed tobe a member of the family laid out for burial, saluted and went out!
AND SO IT PROVED
Arthur Train, the novelist, put down a German newspaper at the CenturyClub, in New York, with an impatient grunt.
“It says here,” he explained, “that it is Germany who will speak thelast word in this war.”
Then the novelist laughed angrily and added:
“Yes, Germany will speak the last word in the war, and that last wordwill be ‘Kamerad!’”
WASHINGTON GETS THESE, TOO
They have some exceptional letters in the London “Family Separation”office, which looks after the families of soldiers at the front. Theseare all actual letters received:
“Dear Sir—You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will it make any difference?
“Respectfully yours, ”—— ——.“
“My Bill has been put in charge of a spittoon. Will I get more pay?” [“Platoon” was meant.]
“I am glad to tell you that my husband has been reported dead.”
“If I don’t get my husband’s money soon I shall be compelled to go on the streets and lead an Imortal life.”
“Dear Sir—In accordance with instructions on paper, I have given birth to a daughter last week.
“Truly yours, ”—— ——.“
BLACK MAGIC
“Yes, sah,” said one negro, “a friend of mine who knows all about itsays dis heah man Edison has done gone and invented a magnetized bulletdat can’t miss a German, kase ef dere’s one in a hundred yards debullet is drawn right smack against his steel helmet. Yes, sah, an’he’s done invented another one with a return attachment. Whenever datbullet don’t hit nothin’ it comes right straight back to de Americanlines.”
“Dat’s what I call inventin’,” exclaimed his colored listener. “But howabout dem comin’-back bullets? What do dey do to keep ’em from hittin’ouah men when dey come back?”
“Well, Mr. Edison made ’em so he’s got ’em trained. You don’t s’posehe’d let ’em kill any Americans, do you? No, sah. He’s got ’em fixetso’s dey jes’ ease back down aroun’ de gunner’s feet an’ sort o’ say:‘Dey’s all dead in dat trench, boss. Send me to a live place where I’segot a chancet to do somethin’.’”
SUCH EXCUSES AS THEY MAKE
A soldier was brought up for stealing his trench bunkie’s liquor.
“I’m sorry, sor,” he said. “But I put the liquor for the two of us inthe same bottle. Mine was at the bottom, an’ I was obliged to drink histo get mine.”
HE HAD TROUBLES, TOO
At a church adjacent to a big military camp a service was recently heldfor soldiers only.
“Let all you brave fellows who have troubles stand up,” shouted thepreacher.
Instantly every man rose except one.
“Ah!” exclaimed the preacher, peering at this lone individual. “You areone in a thousand.”
“It ain’t that,” piped back the only man who had remained seated, asthe rest of his comrades gazed suspiciously at him. “Somebody’s putsome cobbler’s wax on the seat, and I’m stuck.”
WHAT COULD HE MEAN?
An army chaplain was trudging along a hot, dusty road with a company ofsoldiers. As they stopped to rest and to get a drink of water at a farmhouse the farmer’s wife said to the chaplain:
“You go everywhere the soldiers go, I suppose?”
“No, ma’am,” answered the preacher, “not everywhere; only in thisworld.”
NEVER MIND THE TARGET
The subject of rifle shooting often crops up at one of the trainingcamps.
“I’ll bet anyone here a box of cigars,” said Lieut. A., “that I canfire twenty-one shots at 200 yards and tell without waiting for themarker the result of each one correctly.”
“Done!” cried Maj. B. And the whole mess turned out early the nextmorning to witness the experiment.
The lieutenant fired.
“Miss!” he announced calmly.
Another shot.
“Miss!” he repeated.
A third shot.
“Miss!”
“Here, hold on!” put in Maj. B. “What are you trying to do? You’re notfiring for the target!”
“Of course not!” was the cool response. “I’m firing for those cigars!”
A LADY FROM HELL
Two “kilties” from the same town met in a rest camp “somewhere inFrance” and started exchanging confidences.
“Whit like a sendoff did yer wuman gie ye, Sandy, when ye left forFrance?” asked Jock presently.
Sandy lit a fresh cigaret before he replied frankly:
“Says she, ‘Noo, there’s yer train, Sandy; in ye get, an’ see an’ doyer duty. By jingo, ma mannie, if I thocht ye wed shirk it oot yonder Iwud see ye was wounded afore ye gang off.’ That’s the sendoff she gaedme, Jock.”
THEORY VS. FACT
United States Senator Howard Sutherland, of West Virginia, tells astory about a mountain youth who visited a recruiting office in theSenator’s State for the purpose of enlisting in the regular army. Theexamining physician found the young man as sound as a dollar, but thathe had flat feet.
“I’m sorry,” said the physician, “but I’ll have to turn you down.You’ve got flat feet.”
The mountaineer looked sorrowful. “No way for me to git in it, then?”he inquired.
“I guess not. With those flat feet of yours you wouldn’t be able tomarch even five miles.”
The youth from the mountains studied a moment. Finally he said: “I’lltell you why I hate this so darned bad. You see, I walked nigh on toone hundred and fifty miles over the mountains to git here, and gosh,how I hate to walk back!”
ONWARD, CHRISTIAN SOLDIER!
Two men went to the Y. M. C. A. director in one of the camps and saidthat they were in the habit of kneeling down and saying their prayersat home. What ought they to do here?
“Try it out,” was the advice.
They did; the second night two others in the barracks joined them;the third night a few more; gradually the number increased untilconsiderably more than half the men resumed the habit of childhood andknelt by their cots in prayer before turning in.
A company captain in one of the cantonments the first evening his menstood at attention for retreat said: “Men, this is a serious businesswe are engaged in; it is fitting that we should pray about it.” Thereand then this Plattsburg Reserve officer made a simple and earnestprayer for the divine blessing upon their lives and their work. Theimpression upon the men was described as tremendous. Such incidentsindicate the general spirit of the new armies.
WHO WAS THE JOKE ON?
They are telling the story in London taprooms of a German soldierwho laughed uproariously all the time he was being flogged. When theofficer, at the end, inquired the cause of the private’s mirth, thelatter broke into a fresh fit of laughter and cried:
“Why, I’m the wrong man!”
REAL YANKEE LANGUAGE
A French soldier who came proudly up to an American in a certainheadquarters town the other day asked:
“You spik French?”
“Nope,” answered the American, “not yet.”
The Frenchman smiled complacently.
“Aye spik Eengleesh,” he said. The American grinned and the Frenchmanlooked about for some means to show his prowess in the foreign tongue.At that moment a French girl, very neat and trim in her peaked hat,long coat, and high laced boots, came along. The Frenchman jerkedhis head toward her, looked knowingly at the American, and saidtriumphantly: “Chicken.”
Th
e American roared.
“Shake,” he said, extending his hand. “You don’t speak English; youspeak American.”
DAMN THE KAISER
The grit of the British Tommy is amazing, as told by a Swisscorrespondent who found himself with fourteen soldiers in a barn. Ahuge German shell suddenly “found” the barn in the very center andwrecked it. It was pitch dark; the Swiss was seriously wounded anddecided to lay still until help should come. Suddenly a voice spoke outof the dark:
“Anyone left here?”
“Right here, old chap,” came an answer.
“Ah.” Then silence, and in a few moments came: “Say, old man, think youcould give me a bit of a lift. Seems both of my pins are gone.”
“Sorry, old chap,” came the answer. “Wish I could, but they found bothof my hands.”
“Oh,” came the answer. Then, after a pause: “That’s a bit inconvenient,isn’t it?”
“Somewhat,” was the reply.
After a few moments:
“Hell of a rumpus, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, quite.”
“Well,” came the final word, “someone will come along and find us.”
And “someone” did.
FUN FOR THE MISSUS
A padre passing up and down among the wounded at a field hospital askeda wounded Jock whether he would like