"Damon!"
I rolled my eyes. Here we go...
"She offered, Mum."
"You can't let your girlfriend live off pizza."
Fuck. Panic sparked in Nell's eyes.
"Mum," I said warningly.
"I mean it, Damon. I raised you better than that."
"Mum," I snapped. "I have to go, I'll call you later."
An icy pit settled in my stomach. Nell didn't talk or move as I hung up.
"Sorry about her, she gets a little...mum occasionally."
She licked her lips. "It's okay." Her voice was low and reserved. It was definitely not okay.
"Are we cool?"
"Yeah, as long we know this is what it is and it won't turn into some fairy tale."
Wow. Her words ploughed into me like a fucking freight train. "Right," I said. "Just casual."
She put the pizza crust down that she'd been holding stiff in her hand since Mum's bloody girlfriend comment. "Yep, just casual."
How could I do that when I was so overwhelmingly in love with her? Shit, I couldn't fool myself that casual sex with the woman I'd fallen in love with was enough. I wanted everything with Nell. Commitment, house, marriage, hell even kids one day. But she didn't want any of it.
She wasn't ready, couldn't give a big enough part of herself or just plain didn't feel anything for me. Whatever it was, I couldn't stick around to find out.
I was in this and she wasn't. That meant I couldn't have any of it.
"Nell," I said, already half regretting my decision. "We can't see each other anymore."
Her posture immediately became defensive, the way it did whenever a subject was getting heavier than she was comfortable with.
"Why not?"
I can't believe I'm doing this. "I think that it's obvious why. I want more than this and you don't." Each word was like a jagged cut, deep in my flesh. I was ripping my own heart out knowingly, willingly.
A fleeting look of pain passed so quickly I almost missed it. "Um..." She looked around, completely and utterly lost. "How can you do this to me? We had a deal, Damon. You can't just change your mind."
Now she was the one doing the stabbing with her words.
"Can't I?" I said. That wasn't the plan. Believe me I never wanted to fall in love with her but I couldn't help it.
"We agreed casual." She shook her head. "You can't just change your mind," she repeated a little more forcefully.
"Yes, I can. Jesus, I'm in love with you, Nell."
She sucked oxygen in like it was going out of fashion, looked stunned and then looked downright terrified.
"No." She shook her head and her eyes filled with tears. "Stop. Damon, don't. You can't."
"I don't really get a choice, do I?"
"Yes, you do. Casual. We agreed casual and I don't care what you say you can't just-"
"Can't just what? You don't get to control who you love. Not everyone can switch it off like you can. Is it me or is it all men? You can tell me if I'm just not someone you could fall for."
I think I can take it.
"I don't want a relationship," she said.
"I know that. You've mentioned it quite fucking often, but that's not what I asked."
"You can't see me sexually or at all?" She asked, changing the subject completely.
I gulped and closed my eyes. "At all. It's too hard. I can't stop wanting everything with you."
She pursed her lips and turned her head away. It almost looked as if she was going to cry and then I saw a tear. "What am I going to do without you?"
"You'll be fine," I whispered. I wouldn't be. My gut was in knots.
"We're friends. Aren't we?"
"Nell, we are so much more than friends."
She shook her head. "We're not. We're what we agreed to be."
"I knew you were closed off but I never thought you were blind. How many men have you slept with since the weekend before Chloe and Logan moved into their house?"
Her dark eyes were so cold. "That's not the point. There wasn't anyone I wanted to sleep with. When there was..."
"Wow," I said, trying to pretend like that wasn't killing me. "That's real classy, Nell."
"Don't you dare judge me. I never led you to believe anything else. Why do you get to sleep with whoever you want but I can't?"
She had me there but that wasn't the point, not really.
"I don't want to argue with you. I just want this to be done. Unless you can give me something right now, a reason to stay that's not just great sex, I'm gone. It doesn't have to be some big commitment, just something so I know we could work at getting there. I don't want to lose this but this can't be all we have." I was begging and I didn't even care. I would get on my fucking knees if it would make a difference.
"This is all I have in me to give," she whispered. "I'm not like Chloe."
"I don't want you to be like Chloe. I want you to be you but with me. Let yourself open up to me, please. If you can't even tell me you're willing to work on something I'm gone. It's too hard, and I really can't do it anymore."
Gulping, I swallowed the rising urge to cry. Thick emotion clogged my throat.
She stood taller and I had a moment of blind panic. What was she doing? I loved her so much, she was the other half of me, everything I wanted but I couldn't force her to stay. If she wanted to walk there was nothing I could do.
"I'm so sorry," she said. "I really don't know what I'll do without you, you're a friend." A tear rolled down her cheek and I wanted to brush it away but she was breaking me and I could do nothing but watch on in horror. "What you're asking of me isn't something I can give."
So that's it.
I took a deep breath as the dagger pierced my heart. "Then you need to go, Nell." Turning around, I walked into my bedroom and didn't look back.
Nell
In a complete daze, I walked out of Damon's flat. It hurt. So bad. Leaving him, turning him down, hurting him gave me the worst feeling I'd ever experienced. I tried, unsuccessfully, not to cry as I got in my car and put even more distance between us.
The drive home was dodgy. I remembered absolutely nothing of it only because I could barely see through tears I should have never been shedding, over a guy in the first place.
When I parked outside my little flat, I leant against the window and closed my eyes. All I had to do was forget about him and move on. I could do that and when I did, things would be alright again. We were never permanent. I knew that better than anyone. From our very first night after the agreement I knew there would come a point when we'd have to stop.
I wasn't prepared for how much it would crush me.
Love is a bitch.
A few minutes later I couldn't hold off getting out and going inside anymore, and people were starting to look at me laying in my car. I got out and dashed inside before anyone could ask if I was okay.
I slammed my front door, kicked off my shoes and stumbled in a messy, sobbing state to the sofa. Why did it feel like my insides were falling out and my lungs were constricting? How could a feeling affect you physically?
There was a knock on my door after twenty minutes of crying my heart out. I ached for it to be Damon. Dragging myself off the sofa and to the door, I yanked it open to see Chloe smiling sadly back at me.
She gasped so I knew I looked like absolute shit. "Nell, come here," she said, wrapping me up in a big hug. I fell into her, sobbing on her shoulder. Chlo was good enough to let me get tears and mascara all over her nice cream jumper and not bitch at me over it.
A few minutes later, I let go of her and ran my hands over my face. "Sorry," I muttered. I didn't break down, especially not in front of humans, so I was embarrassed that Chloe had seen me like that.
"Don't be silly." She sighed. "What am I going to do with you, huh?"
"He called you, didn't he?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry, Nelly."
I shrugged and closed the front door. "Not your fault," I replied, leading her into the living room. Great
my messy mascara face was all over my cute sage scatter cushion too. Damon owed me new soft furnishings.
Curling up on the sofa, I hugged my ruined cushion. "I don't like missing him," I whispered.
Chlo tilted her head to the side and her long, straight hair fell in front of her shoulder. "You don't have to miss him. That's the part I'm still unclear on, Nell. Anyone can see how you feel about the guy so why are you denying what you both want?"
"You know you sound a lot like me when you were running from Logan last year."
She licked her lip. "Yes, I do. I was terrified because I'd fallen in love with my dead boyfriend's brother. What's your excuse, sweetie?"
"Jace wasn't dead," I grumbled, picking on the one thing that didn't make this about my issues.
"Thank God. Though that doesn't change the facts, I thought he was dead and when he turned up it only added to the problems. You're not getting out of this. Talk to me and maybe I can help."
"No one can help."
I - we - needed help years ago.
"You're scaring me. Are you in trouble? Did something happen? Nell, I need to know."
"Nothing happened. I wasn't beaten or abused. I've just seen a lot of marriages turn to shit and I'm not about to enter into that. Can we not talk about it tonight, please? I either need to eat a lot of junk or get blind drunk. You choose."
"I'll get the chocolate."
Damn, I was hoping for the other one.
I pressed the cushion into my stomach as she got up and went to the kitchen. Everything still ached. I was so done with that feeling already and just wanted it over with now.
"Here," Chloe said, coming back with a tub of ice cream, a large bar of Cadburys and box of Malteasers. "Will these make you feel better?"
I glared. "They should." They wouldn't. I wasn't quite dumb enough to believe that getting over Damon just took a little - or a lot - of sugar. But it was a good start. I would follow what they did in movies: eat junk food and drink booze.
"If you're going to be like that you can leave. I don't need to hear how much of a twat I am, Chloe, I already know it."
"I love you, Nell, and I'm never going to judge you. But you totally have the power to un-twat yourself right now and other people messing up isn't a good enough reason. You know full well that you control your own life, you've been doing it for long enough. You're not your parents, you're uniquely bloody stubborn and no one is going to make you change into something you don't want to be."
I understood logic perfectly well - I wasn't broken - but I couldn't separate that from what I'd been through. If someone would like to give me a pill to change that, then be my bloody guest. I'd take it gladly.
"Take a few days and see if things are clearer then."
Things were perfectly clear now. I knew what I wanted but I didn't know how to have it. Shit, I needed a shrink, like yesterday.
"Yeah," I said, conceding so we could move on for a while. "So, what did he say when he called?"
"He just explained that he told you he wants more and you can't so you're not seeing each other anymore."
"How did he sound?" I asked.
"What do you want me to say to that?"
"The truth. I always want the truth from you."
"He sounded crushed."
I couldn't help the little gasp of pain at hearing how much I'd hurt him - it killed me. Every instinct told me to protect him, to make it better. It was hard to fight what I wanted to do, right down to my bones. I wouldn't forgive myself for hurting him but I could live with it a hell of a lot easier knowing we'd never become what I witnessed growing up.
"Oh, Nelly. I hate to see you like this. Do you think you should talk to him and see if you can work something out?"
"Work what out? We want different things. There is no way I can go back to what we had knowing he wants more, even if he could. I'm not that heartless."
"I know you're not. No one is saying you are. You're allowed to want different things. If that's really what this is about."
"It is," I replied. "I like him, Chlo, but I can't give him what he wants so we can't do this. Any of it."
She smiled sadly. I could tell she was a little disappointed that I couldn't get my act together to be with him and honestly, a part of me was too. Insecurities and self-doubt were supposed to get smaller as you got older. No one fucking tells you they only grow.
"What's the plan now then?"
I shrugged. "I guess I just carry on, work at getting a new job and having the career I want."
"And after work what will you do?"
"I have no idea." Go back to how things were pre-Damon. I could barely remember before him. He was such a big part of my life and I didn't realise how much, until he was no longer there.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Unless you can change me there's nothing you can do but bring the wine."
"You can change you," she said, giving me a sympathetic smile.
"Yeah? Tell me how and I'll do it."
I didn't have the first clue what it took to make a relationship work. Screwing one up? That I could do in a heartbeat, I'd seen enough of that. How was I supposed to be successful at something I didn't know? It scared me and it was a much bigger risk than jumping into a new career or change of hair colour. Relationships had the power to completely crush a person, to turn them into a shadow, and I wasn't prepared to break another person or be on the receiving end. Too much risk.
"You could start by talking."
"I don't know what to say. I've not had the best role models and I'm scared. There, I admitted it. I'm scared.
"We all get scared."
"I love him."
"God, Nell," she whispered, her eyes tearing up. "Talk to me, let me help. I want you two to be happy and I know you can be happy together. Let me in. Or better still let Damon in. I bet he can help you overcome whatever it is that's got you so terrified of giving yourself to him."
"If he can't?"
"Then it'll be sad and you'll cry but you'll both be okay."
"Would you be okay if you and Logan broke up?"
She looked away and bit her lips together.
"See. I may not have first hand experience, Chloe, but I'm not stupid. When you really love someone you open yourself up to all sorts of heart breaking things that can change you forever."
"You sound so much like me before."
"I know I do. It's really annoying actually. Hey, maybe I'll get to where you are one day."
"You will. Just take it one day at a time and please just consider talking to Damon."
Smiling, I nodded. "I'll think about it."
I wouldn't. I couldn't.
Damon
Going out getting fucked and getting fucked was all I cared about right now. Doubt chipped away at my very core. What if she would've come around? If I knew she'd be ready in six months, hell a year or two even, I would've kept going the way we were. But there was no guarantee and I couldn't spend another second out there in the unknown.
I sat at my desk counting down the minutes until I could leave for the day. I'd made so many mistakes today and been somewhere else completely that I'm surprised I didn't get a warning about my performance.
"You alright?" My manager, Richard asked. He hadn't said anything but he knew there was something up.
I pushed my swivel chair out and ran my hands through my hair. "Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry, I've just had a shit couple of days."
"I hope everything's okay."
It wasn't and I couldn't see a way out. Right now there was just endless darkness. "I'll be fine, Rich, I just need to pull my shit together."
"We all have things troubling us in our personal lives from time to time. Try not to be too hard on yourself. If you need to take a few days...?"
I shook my head. "I don't, but thanks." My relationship with Nell had screwed my personal life but I wasn't going to let it affect my professional one. Not from Monday anyway.
"Okay, we'll go through th
e Cecil and Graham account next week."
"Did you want to do it now? I'm fine to," I said. Rich shouldn't have to wait until I was on top of my game to discuss a campaign. If I wanted the option of going into partnership I had do better than I had been.
He held his hand up. "Sandy wants to go kitchen shopping this afternoon so I'm leaving a few hours early. There is no way I'm wasting all weekend on it. If you need to leave a bit earlier, too..."
"Thanks, Rich."
With a smile and a nod he turned around and left. I think he saw a little of his young self in me. He'd said a few times that we had the same drive and determination. Right now I bet he was regretting taking me on and giving me the responsibilities I had right out of Uni.
I pulled myself together long enough to put an hour of decent work in and then I left an hour and a half early. Rich had already gone but I knew it wouldn't be a problem - he'd offered after all.
Taking the steps down to ground floor two at a time, I prayed no one would stop me to chat. I'd not been here long but most of the people that worked in the building were very friendly. Right now I wanted cold beer and easy women.
Driving home was quicker out of rush hour. I come to a crossroads and wanted to turn right to Nell's but I forced myself to go left. Running back to her wouldn't do any good. She would probably just tell me to do one anyway. I hated that we were both in very different places right now. Why couldn't I have met her years on when she'd dealt with whatever was holding her back? Why couldn't I suck it up and stick it out until that'd happened?
I pulled into my drive and a surprise was sitting in a car next to mine. "Steph?" I said, getting out at the same time as she left her silver Mini. "What're you doing here?"
"I beat your brother. He's meeting me here in about twenty minutes."
"That doesn't answer my question," I said, slamming the door shut.
"Lance and Ivory are coming so we can cheer you up, obviously. I'm sorry about what happened with Nell."
Shrugging one shoulder, I locked my car and lifted my chin towards my house. Steph followed, her high silver heels clicking on the concrete floor. "You guys didn't have to come all the way here, I'm doing fine."
"Being honest here, you don't look fine, Damon. You look like shit."
"Thank you, Stephanie," I said over my shoulder as I let us into my flat.
I knew I did. Sleep abandoned me for most of last night. I'd lain awake for hours playing over my conversation and goodbye with Nell. My bed felt too big and I couldn't sleep on my side since she'd claimed it.