I smirked at her. "We're good. Really good. It'll take time but I think we'll get there."
She beamed. "You definitely will."
Yeah, we would. I was sure of that now. I handed her the coffee and sat opposite her at the island, wrapping my hands around my mug.
She nodded and took a sip. "You don't just have to rely on Damon, you know. You can call if you need me."
"Thank you. So I was thinking about my mum's outfit this morning and I don't need to go through her wardrobe. I know what she'd want to wear."
Her favourite casual dress. The second the summer hit she was in it until the weather turned again. She loved it and she looked amazing in it. She'd once told me it was the only thing that she felt beautiful in and I wanted her to feel beautiful for eternity.
"That's great. We can swing by and pick it up later if you want?"
"Sure. The funeral director said he wants it today if possible."
"Okay."
"So...is everything set?" For my mother's funeral. I had no idea how I was going to get through that yet. There were things I had written down to say but the thought of standing up there and saying them made me want to throw up.
"Yes, everything's done. Me and Logan will pick you up and come back after the wake too."
"You don't have to do that."
She gave me a stern look, her brown eyes narrowing a fraction. "I do and I want to."
"Is Damon coming?" I asked.
"Why would he?"
She didn't even get a full head tilt before I said, "Alright, that was stupid. He knows when it is but I didn't exactly ask him."
"Why not?"
"Because then he would come."
"Right." Frowning, she said, "Isn't that the point?"
"I don't want him to feel obligated to come."
She groaned my name, shaking her head. "Nell, stop. He wants to be there for you and you know that."
"I hurt him, Chlo. He's been amazing but I don't want to push him."
"What's he said?"
"That he wouldn't let me become my parents. He's all for us making a go of it but right now I have other things to concentrate on. I'm not sure what will happen with Damon yet but when my mind is clear and we both want to, I'll work at it then."
She put her mug down. "You are nothing like them and never could be. You're not selfish," she said, concentrating on the first part of what I'd said.
"Aren't I? Look at what happened with Damon."
"What happened? Come on, you both understood perfectly what the deal between you was. You were always clear about what you wanted from him. He fell for you, of course he did, but you didn't lead him on. Just continue to be honest about how you feel and what you want."
"And what if the way I feel now is too blurry."
She rolled her eyes. "It's not blurry and you know it. You love him, you're just too afraid to admit it and frankly, Nell, you need to give yourself a break. A lot has happened so stop worrying about Damon. Focus on healing after your mum's death and let the rest happen naturally."
I managed a smirk. "Do you ever wish you'd taken your own advice when you were working through things with Logan?"
"Oh God, all the time. Things would have been a lot easier on us both if I'd stopped panicking and overthinking so much. You need to do the same."
"Yes, sir," I replied. "Hey, you think you can help me pick something out for the funeral? I don't know what to wear." What was the appropriate outfit for saying goodbye to your mum?
Her face softened and she put her drink down. "Of course I can. Show me the options."
"Shouldn't you be working? Or spending time with Logan?"
"No and no." She held her hand out. "Come on, this outfit isn't going to pick itself."
"You're the best, Chlo." I took her hand and stood up. Tying my hair up in a band I had on my wrist, I led her into my room.
"You redecorated," she said, looking around at the cream and chocolate covered walls.
When I fell in love with Damon. "Yeah," I replied, opening the wardrobe.
"I like it." She poked her head around my shoulder and immediately tugged on a knee length black dress. "This is nice."
"My mum didn't like black." I turned to her. "Do I have to wear black?"
"Of course not. Wear whatever you like."
"Her favourite colour was blue."
"Okay, how about the royal dress." She picked it off the hanger and handed it to me. "Try it on and see what you think."
On nights out Chloe and I would have wine, turn music on and help each other choose what to wear. I never imagined I'd be doing the same thing - minus the MTV channel and booze - for Mum's funeral. Although I could really do with a drink.
Chloe looked through my wardrobe as I shed my PJs and put the dress on. I felt ridiculous. Dresses usually made me feel sexy. I had no make-up on, my hair needed a wash and my legs were starting to sprout tiny hairs. And I had no desire to rectify any of that today.
"Does it look okay? Suitable?" I asked.
Turning around, she smiled with tears in her eyes. "Absolutely. You look nice in blue."
It was calf length and a little flow-y with short cut off sleeves and a high neckline. "Okay. Thanks. This one then, I guess."
That didn't take as much time as I thought it would. Now that was done and the funeral arrangements were sorted Chloe would probably want to go home to Logan soon. I couldn't blame her but I wanted to keep her here a little longer. The rest of the day stretched out in front of me.
"Do you want another coffee?" I offered as I changed back into my comfortable PJs.
"Sounds good. I'll make them, you go sit down. And call Damon about the funeral, it's only a few days away. I have no doubt he'll come anyway but I think you should ask."
I think he would be there regardless too. But over the last few days I'd handed over so much of myself to him that I was scared to give more. The last people I relied on let me down in a huge way and I was scared that history would repeat itself.
Chloe left an hour later with the promise of coming back or at least talking on the phone later. I felt bad that her week was consumed with checking in on me and not enjoying time with her husband.
I promised her I would call if I needed her. I wouldn't.
Sitting on my sofa, I dialled his number. "Hey," I said, mentally preparing myself to ask Damon to let me lean on him even more than I have already.
"Hey, how are you?"
"I'm...okay. I wanted to ask you something."
"What's that?"
I licked my lips, knowing that this was it. You asked your boyfriend, someone you were serious about, not a casual friend fuck buddy, to go with your mum's funeral with you. I shook my head at myself, Damon was so much more than that.
"Mum's funeral is coming up..." Obviously.
"Yeah, I know. Are you okay? Want me to come over?"
"I'm fine, that's not why I called. I..." God, why was this so hard? "I wanted to know if you... Shit, Damon, will you come?"
"Of course," he replied. I could hear the smile in his voice. "I was coming anyway, Nell, but I'm glad you asked me."
Right. He had this new I-love-it-when-you-need-me thing that I was only just starting to become semi-comfortable with. "Thank you."
"No need to thank me. Do you want me to come over?"
"No, I'm fine." My plan, which I knew was idiotic, was to cry as much as I could today in the hope I'd be able to keep it together when the funeral came around. It wasn't a solid plan but I wanted to be able to give my mum the send off she deserved.
"Are you sure? I hate to think of you upset and home alone."
When he said things like that I desperately wanted to be with him. His arms around me made me feel safe. But he needed to work and I had things here I had to get done.
"I'm sure. I'll be okay. I'll see you tomorrow."
"You will."
"Take care of yourself, Nell, I mean it. Call me if you need me."
"I will. By
e."
He sighed and whispered, "Bye, Nell."
I dropped my phone on the sofa and picked up a photo I had of me and my mum. I was nineteen. It was the one and only Christmas where she wasn't with Dad. It was the best Christmas with her I'd ever had. There was no shouting or fighting. No forgotten charred turkey or mushy veg.
We cooked together, drank wine, exchanged presents and watched Christmas movies. It was perfect and that day she was a proper, normal mum that made it about me and her, not her and her fighting husband.
The picture was my favourite. The ones of me, Mum and Dad before the abuse started were tainted with what happened next but that one was so pure that it meant everything to me. We both had on knitted Christmas jumpers and a colourful paper hat from the crackers. I held the camera arms length and Mum held me close, smiling one of her rare, genuine smiles.
I gripped the photo frame hard, turning the beds of my natural nails white. Swallowing a lump in my throat, I kissed the picture with tears in my eyes. "I love you, Mum," I whispered and fell apart on the sofa, clutching the only memory of my mum that I felt properly loved in.
Nell
Three days later and it was the morning of Mum's funeral. It was much harder than I'd ever imagined and I hadn't even gone inside yet. Chloe and Logan were being amazing and waiting outside with me. We had a few minutes left and I didn't want to spend a single second in there longer than necessary.
The service would start soon so I knew we should go in but something stopped me. Chloe was here but I still felt alone. That was new. Deep down I understood why. There was someone else that made me feel too much. He was the only one that could help me right now.
Logan turned around and touched Chloe's back. "Let's go in, sweetheart."
Chloe frowned but then understanding crossed her face and she squeezed my hand before leaving with him. It only took a second for me to realise why they'd left me.
Damon was walking up the path.
I could breathe again.
He wore a sleek, dark grey suit with white shirt. It was similar to what he wore at work but a little more casual today with the lack of tie and top button undone. I almost ran to him. How could a person feel like home?
My chin wobbled as he approached. "Hey," he whispered.
"Thank you," I replied, gulping.
He pulled me into his arms and rested his head on top of mine. "I got you."
"I don't really know how to do this, all the singing and readings and-"
"Shh. Nell, you're getting ahead of yourself. Right now we're just going to go in and find our seat. Don't worry about the rest yet."
"You'll sit with me?"
He pulled back and his eyes were burning. "I won't leave your side."
I wanted him to promise not ever but that was asking too much. I looked up at him and honestly had no idea how I went even a week without seeing him or speaking to him. I didn't want him to be that important to me, but he was.
Reaching up with trembling hands, I ran my fingers along his jaw and his lips parted. "You really have no idea how thankful I am that you're here."
"I think I do, beautiful," he replied, taking hold of my wrist and kissing the palm of my hand. "Let's get inside."
Damon led me into the packed church. I didn't have many members of family, Mum's parents died a long time ago and she was an only child. Dad's side of the family hadn't turned up, which wasn't at all surprising under the circumstances. Still, I did hope Nan would at least come to support me. Thankfully Mum had a lot of friends.
Even though it was warm outside, it was still cool in the church. Goose bumps spread across my arms. With Damon's arm around my waist I felt strong enough to say goodbye to my mum for the final time.
Chloe had saved us a seat at the front. I wanted to hide in the back but of course I couldn't. Being the only person here related to Mum I had to be right beside her. She deserved that much.
I mouthed a thank you to Chloe and sat beside her. Damon's arm stayed around me, keeping me right at his side. He didn't need to, I would've stayed anyway.
Father David started the funeral by saying a few words about Mum. I'd told him the good things about her. It did seem a bit wrong to make her out like the most incredible person ever but this was her goodbye and in the end she deserved a positive farewell.
"I don't know if I can do the reading, Damon," I whispered to him, laying my head against his arm. Soon it would be my turn to say something. I'd managed to get this far without breaking down but I wasn't sure that I could keep it up. Mum was lying in the mahogany coffin to my right. It was torture to know she was there, unmoving.
Chloe had helped me write something down but that was the easy part. Standing in front of a packed church and reading it to my mum in her coffin was something else. This was the worst day of my life, my heart weighed down heavy in my chest and I sniffed back the threat of tears.
"Do you want me to?" He asked.
He couldn't. I was leaning on him, I needed him. "I don't want you to leave."
"Hey," Chloe said, taking my hand. "Just say the word and we can have Father David read it. He offered and no one expects this from you. Or I can if you'd prefer that."
"You would?" I said, sobbing over my words, choked up at her offer. She knew me, knew I wanted my last words to my mum to be personal.
"Of course, I will."
I squeezed her hand as she was blurred beyond recognition by my tears. Chloe was the best friend anyone could have, I'd known that all along, but I hadn't quite realised just how incredible and kind she was before.
My name was called but Chloe stood up and walked over to Father David, whispering in his ear. He nodded, smiled at me and stepped aside. Chlo approached the microphone and said, "Nell has written a few words for her mum and I'll be reading them for her."
She gave no more explanation, didn't tell anyone that it was supposed to be me but I couldn't do it. I loved her.
"Mum," she started, and I buried my face in Damon's chest. My heart broke all over again. "We had our challenges when I was growing up. Negative things that I concentrated on right up until the moment I found out you'd left me. Now the moments I remember the clearest are you singing so, so badly the year you bought me a karaoke machine for my birthday. I remember your smile, the way you used to do my hair for school photos. Every year was the same pigtails until I realised that I could take them out as soon as I'd left the house."
Chloe sounded choked up but she read on gracefully. I couldn't have done that. Damon's arm held me tighter. He took a ragged breath and pressed his lips to the top of my head.
"When I was eight and wanted to be an astronaut you told me not to listen to anyone when the kids at school told me it was only for boys and I'd never do it anyway. You knew I wouldn't, you knew that it was just a phase but you still bought me the books and told me you'd be there with balloons when I returned from my first mission in space. When I went off to University you were so proud you cried on the phone to me for a week. You may not have realised it but you taught me so much about who I want to be and what I want to do. You also taught me to be so painfully stubborn that failure wasn't an option. Everything I told you I would achieve I will and I'll do it with a smile knowing you're right behind me with a big bunch of balloons. I know you're with me every day, probably telling me to redo my hair how you like. Sleep tight, Mum. I love you."
I tried to be as quiet as I could while I cried against Damon. My eulogy to my mum was very one-sided. I'd picked things to talk about from the times she was single and had time for me. But everything was true. I knew who I did and didn't want to be because of her. I loved her, and I was going to make my dreams come true.
When Chloe took her seat, I let go of Damon and hugged her until the end of the service.
The coffin was carried out of the church. We waited a second and followed. I clung to Damon and stayed close to my best friend. Mum's grave was around the back of the church. I stopped by the side and led my friends to a be
nch.
"What are we doing, sweetie?" Chloe asked.
"I don't want to watch her coffin disappear into the ground. I didn't say goodbye in the hospital because I couldn't have that be the last time I saw her. I don't want that image either."
"Okay, whatever you want," she replied.
"Thanks. I'll just wait here until they're finished, then we can head to the wake."
Damon kissed my temple and replied, "Just tell us when."
"Chloe..." I said.
She shook her head, pushed Logan down on the bench and sat on his lap. There was only space enough for three. "You don't have to say anything, Nelly. I know."
"How're you holding up?" Logan asked.
I looked up to the bright, blue sky. "Not sure. Okay, I think. Part of me wishes Dad was here. When does he get his chance to say goodbye to his wife?"
"Hey," Damon said. "The officer handling the case said he would probably be allowed to visit her grave, remember. We'll do everything we can to make sure that happens."
I hoped so. My opinion of my dad wasn't particularly high - and it hadn't been for a long time - but he didn't mean to kill her and he should get chance to talk to her. It must be killing him.
"Thank you. All of you," I said, staring back up at the sky. For a little while I just wanted to sit still and think about my mum without the pain of watching her being buried. For that twenty minutes I felt oddly peaceful. She was in a better place. She would be okay and so would I.
Damon
The funeral was nice for what it was. It was a real celebration of a flawed woman's life. Nell, understandably, cried through most of the service and the burial but she'd calmed down during the wake. Watching the woman I loved so upset, was a new kind of pain I still wasn't used to.
She leant against the wall with Chloe and two of her mum's friends, swapping stories about the woman they'd just said a final goodbye to.
"How're you doing?" Logan asked, handing me a bottle of Becks.
I took it gratefully and downed a mouthful. "Thanks. I'm alright. Wish I could fast forward to the part when she's okay again."
"She's going to be fine, she has a lot of people looking out for her."
"Not family." Her Nan had barely spoken to her and she'd pretty much lost her dad too.
"Not all family is blood, Damon. Chloe and Nell are as close as sisters."
"Yeah, I guess. I just don't want her to think she has to do this alone."