The weight of such grief and guilt was overwhelming.
And it occurred to her, maybe that was why everyone said it didn’t exist. Not the child. Not the guilt. Not the consequences.
“One decision can permeate your entire life,” Joe said grimly.
Your family. Your community. Your nation.
“God can forgive anything.”
Joe’s mouth tipped in a half smile. “I know He’s forgiven me, and I’m grateful. What happened is a big part of the reason I came to Christ. Letting go of it is something else.”
She scooped a handful of sand and let it sift through her fingers. “Are you atoning, Joe? Is that why you’re so set on helping me have this baby?” Was his assistance aimed at purging himself of guilt?
Joe came back and hunkered down beside her. He tipped her chin, waiting until she looked him straight in the eyes. “I don’t want to see you hurt any more than you’ve been hurt already.”
“Life hurts. You can’t get away from it.”
“Yeah.” He brushed his knuckles lightly against her cheek. “It does.” Some got hurt more than others.
She rose and walked down to the water, standing close enough that the waves lapped her feet and dampened the hem of her skirt. Joe removed his boots and socks and joined her, standing at her side, not saying anything.
Dynah looked up at the blue skies. “You know the strange part? I don’t hate the man who raped me. I see him as a child of wrath who didn’t know any better. Oh, he hurt me. He hurt me more than he’ll ever know, but it was mostly physical.” Her eyes filled. “It’s the others, Joe. It’s the ones who should’ve known better and still bought into the lies. Those are the ones who’ve hurt me most. Ethan. Janet. Dean Abernathy. Pastor Whitehall. My own mother and father. They never meant to betray me, but they did.”
She looked up at him, tears slipping down her cheeks. “I had to get out, Joe. I had to get away. Can you understand that?” Her eyes glistened. “It’d been so long since I felt close to the Lord. I couldn’t hear Him anymore. I couldn’t feel Him close to me. I even began to doubt He existed. I felt forsaken.”
“And now?”
She took a shuddering breath and released it, her body relaxing. She looked oddly at peace. “I think I did what He wanted me to do. ‘Come out from them and be separate,’ He said. Not just in a physical sense, by running away, but by seeing things through His eyes, understanding the truth. I have to be separate in my way of thinking and not let my emotions rule. Oh, and they have ruled, Joe. They’ve ruled for months. I’ve let myself be kept in turmoil, stumbling every which way I turn.”
“And no wonder.”
“Don’t make excuses for me. The world’s too good at that.”
There was a new steadiness in her he had never seen before. It suited her.
“I knew the truth, Joe. I’ve always known. It’s as though God put it in me from the moment I was conceived. I was just too afraid to live it out.”
Taking his hand, she squeezed it lightly and smiled at him. “I’m not afraid anymore. I’m going to have this child. Beyond that, I’ll wait and see what the Lord wills.”
Withdrawing her hand, she turned away, lifting her face to the sunshine. Closing her eyes, she felt the warmth. Inhaling the scent of sea and pine, warm sand and fresh air, she felt more alive than she had ever felt before.
Joe watched her, thanking God for the change in her. She had not allowed anyone to take anything away from her.
Dynah laughed. “Oh, Joe, it’s amazing,” she said, feeling movement inside her womb. She ran her hands down slowly over her body. She lowered her head, waiting, and felt it again. She smiled. “It’s a miracle when you think about it,” she said softly. “The night I was raped, the doctor told me the chances of my getting pregnant were almost nil. And yet, it happened. There must be some purpose, some reason only God knows, for this child to be born.”
Joe drank in the beauty of her, watching the wonder in her expression, the way her hands moved like a caress over the unborn child.
She looked up at him. “All things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. Isn’t that true, Joe?”
“That’s what Scripture says.”
She smiled, eyes shining with gentle humor at his solemnity. “A noble utterance.” Even he wasn’t fully convinced. He was still caught up in the unfairness of what had happened to her.
God never promised life would be fair. He offered a simple choice: justice or grace.
I choose Your grace, Lord. Thanks be to God. You are my Lord, the lover of my soul.
“I know it won’t be easy. I’m weak. Day in and day out, it’s going to be a battle to keep the faith and wait to see what the Lord has planned. But what other alternative is there but death? I choose life. I choose to believe God’s Word. I choose to believe in His presence and His promises. I choose to have this child. I choose to believe that God is the Father of the fatherless.”
She put her hands over the unborn child, her gesture protective and tender. “However this child was conceived, God will be the Father. My baby won’t enter the world unloved or unwanted. If I can’t feel a full measure of joy, I know the Lord will.”
Joe stroked the tendrils of blonde hair back from her face. “So be it.”
Surrendering to impulse, Dynah stepped close and slipped her arms around his waist, hugging him hard. “I am so blessed to have you as a friend,” she said in a choked voice. Afraid she’d embarrassed him, she withdrew quickly and walked away.
Joe closed his eyes, his pulse hammering. Oh, God, God, You know my heart. Forgive me. I ask too much.
Dynah picked up her coat and shook the sand from it. “What do you say I treat you to lunch?” she said, slipping her arms into the sleeves. She picked up his jacket. “I know a place at Noyo Harbor where they serve wonderful clam chowder.”
He walked up the beach toward her. “You’re on.” Taking his jacket, he flipped it over one shoulder and fell into step beside her.
Chapter 8
“They’re such beggars,” Dynah said, looking out the restaurant window and smiling as she watched the sea lions pop up and bark near a fishing boat. “Mom and Dad and I stayed at the Harbor Lite a few years ago. They barked all through the night.”
“Doesn’t look like they’re getting much.”
“I think they manage more than their share. Look how big that one is.”
The waitress delivered two bowls of steaming clam chowder. At Dynah’s request, Joe said grace. “Hmmmm,” Joe said after his first spoonful. “It’s as good as you said it’d be.”
They ate in companionable silence, enjoying the view of Noyo Bridge, the sea beyond, and the fishing boats moored along the river.
Dynah tore off a piece of sourdough French bread and began to butter it. “How’s Ethan?”
Joe had known the question would come up sooner or later. “He’s okay.”
“Just okay? Did he lose his class standing?” She knew how hard he had worked to be the best.
“No. He graduated with honors. Dean Abernathy asked him to give the commencement speech. It was a good one. He based it on Timothy and retaining the standard Christ has given us.” Grimacing at the edge to his voice, he dipped his spoon into the chowder again, hoping she’d leave the subject of Ethan alone.
Dynah sensed something in his silence. She knew Joe was withholding something. Lowering her eyes, she continued eating her chowder. She had the baby to think about now. She couldn’t afford to lose her appetite. She would finish her meal before she asked any more questions.
Joe finished first and sipped his coffee. He knew she was distracted, and he knew why. What am I going to tell her, Lord? That Ethan waited three weeks before finding another prospective bride? How’s that going to make Dynah feel? Don’t let her ask about him, God. Please.
Dabbing her lips, Dynah put the napkin on the table. She leaned back slightly and looked at him. “Go ahead and tel
l me.”
He put his mug of coffee down slowly. “Tell you what?”
“Don’t play dumb.”
He looked away, staring out over the water of the Noyo River. Jesus! Hasn’t she been hurt enough? “He’s going out with someone.”
Dynah sat quietly, waiting for the pain to come. She expected it to arrive in waves, pressing her down beneath the onslaught until she drowned. It didn’t happen. The news didn’t hurt as much as she’d expected. In fact, it barely hurt at all. Other concerns rose instead. “Is she a Christian?”
Joe looked at her, studying her intently. No tears. “Yes.”
“Is she nice?”
“Yes.”
“Pretty?”
“Yes.”
She saw the darkening in his eyes. “Don’t be angry for me, Joe. It’s all right.”
“Is it?”
She smiled. “It was bound to happen. Girls were always vying for Ethan’s attention. You know that better than I do. I was always amazed he chose me.”
“I was amazed he let you go.”
She was touched by his quick defense. “Thank you, Joe.”
The waitress came with the check. “It’s on me,” Dynah said before Joe could take it.
“Why don’t I follow you back to your place?” Joe said, pulling back her chair and helping her shrug into her jacket. “You can leave your car, and we can take a drive around town. You can show me where you work, where you go to church, where you hang out.”
Dynah laughed, wondering what he would make of “her place.”
“Cozy,” he said when she ushered him in. No leaks or water stains on the ceiling. A good lock on the door. The motel room was clean and simply furnished, with a queen-size bed, a dresser, two side tables, a television in the corner, and a table by the sliding-glass windows. The bed was made, the drapes were open to allow the sun to stream in, and a worn Bible was open on the side table. He noticed a hot plate on the vanity counter. Cans of Campbell’s soup were stacked beneath the mirror, along with a box of saltine crackers, two Red Delicious apples, a small jar of peanut butter, a banana, and a bottle of multivitamins.
“The manager has been very kind to me,” she said as they went back out and she locked the door. “I help with the laundry, and he keeps my rent at winter rates.”
They drove to Maryann’s first. Charlie’s sister was working and greeted her with a warm smile.
“Hey, Dynah!” Harvey called from the counter, where he was sitting with two of his friends, both of whom had become regulars over the past week. “Who’s the gent?”
“A friend,” she said and made introductions all around. She took Joe back into the kitchen to meet Charlie.
Leaving Maryann’s, they walked along Main Street. Dynah told him the history of the town. Sitting on a bench, they watched the Skunk Train come in from Willits, disgorging its tourists.
They walked to North Franklin and the antique stores and stopped in at Schat’s for coffee and a fresh-baked apple fritter. “What are you going to do about your parents?” Joe said finally, knowing they had to talk about it. “You want me to call them?”
“I’ll call, Joe. I don’t want to put you in the middle of all this.”
“You can’t make it here alone.”
“Why not?
“For one thing, you haven’t got the money for proper medical care. For another, what are you going to do when the baby comes? You won’t be able to work.”
She turned her head away. “I haven’t looked that far ahead.”
“It’s not that far, Dynah. Only three more months.”
“Then I guess I’ll have to think about it pretty soon.” She didn’t want to talk about it now. Time enough tomorrow when he was gone. God would take care of her.
Joe wasn’t going to leave things as they were. “There’s a free clinic in Berkeley.”
“Berkeley’s a long way off.”
“I have a two-room apartment.”
She looked at him in surprise. “What’re you suggesting? I move in with you?”
“Yes.”
“Joe . . .”
“You can have the bedroom. I’ll bunk down in the living room.”
“Joe.”
“Hear me out. I am not leaving you here on your own. Like it or not, we need to settle this. Today. I’m not going to let you have the baby all by yourself in that motel room. I’d live up here if I could, but my classes started, and the job I have lined up is connected to my attendance at the university.”
“Joe . . .”
“It’s Berkeley with me or San Francisco with your parents.”
She winced as she thought of facing them again.
Joe took her hand and held it firmly in both of his. “You came up here because you didn’t know what to do, right? Now you know. You’re going to have the baby. You needed time alone before the Lord. You’ve had that. You can have it anywhere you go. You know what He wants of you now, Dynah. You don’t need to hide anymore.”
He was right, but her heart trembled at the thought of going home.
“Oh, God,” she said softly, closing her eyes. She had more choices to make than he knew. He was assuming she would keep the child. But should she? Could she be the parent the child needed? And what of her life? Her plans? She had never thought she’d be a single parent—or a parent at all for years to come. How could she provide for the child and herself? One problem seemed to roll into a dozen others.
“Be not anxious about tomorrow,” the Lord said. I will not be anxious. I will take things day by day. I will. I will!
“Which is it going to be, Dynah?”
“I’d rather live with you than go home,” she said with a weak smile and then shook her head. “But it wouldn’t be right.”
“What’d be wrong with it?”
“People would assume I’m having your child, Joe.”
“So what? It’s no skin off my nose.”
She blushed. “We’re Christians. We have to care what people think. The appearance of wrongdoing, remember? I’m not going to move in with you and have people think we’re living in sin. What sort of witness would that be?”
“Believe me, Dynah, nobody cares, especially in Berkeley. I could walk down University Avenue in a dress with my hair dyed blue, and no one would blink twice.”
She gave a soft laugh and fell silent, solemn. “What about my parents?”
“You know them better than I do.”
“They’d mind, Joe. They’d make assumptions. I wouldn’t want them thinking ill of you.”
“Okay. Then it’s San Francisco.”
“Oh, Joe . . .”
“Don’t ‘oh, Joe’ me.”
“Give me a week to think about it.”
“No way. Two minutes after I leave, you’ll take off again.”
“No, I won’t.”
“Yeah, right,” he said glumly. He’d probably be combing the Oregon coast for her in a week. Or maybe she’d head for the woods this time. The high Sierras, the Grand Tetons, or the misty Olympics. Lord, is this the way You’re answering my prayer to see the country? he asked wryly. Having me chase after Dynah?
“I promise, Joe.”
He looked at her and watched the endearing smile light her face. “Don’t soft-soap me.”
“You can take my rotor with you, if you like.”
His mouth tipped ruefully. “Don’t think I won’t.”
Joe checked into the motel where Dynah was living. He figured he could stay another day before heading back to the Bay Area. By then, he hoped Dynah would make up her mind.
Dynah rang his room at six. “I’m going to be working this evening. Maria has the flu, and Concepción finishes her shift in half an hour. She can’t work late. . . . She has a family waiting for her.”
“I’ll help out.”
She laughed. “Okay. I’ll meet you in the laundry room.” She told him where to find it.
Joe spent the evening shuffling bath towels and sheets from washing ma
chine to dryer. By ten, they were folding and stacking linens on the cart for Maria’s rounds the next morning. It was eleven before the work was done.
Pale with exhaustion, Dynah wished him good night. Joe knew she had to be up and at Maryann’s by eight.
Neither slept well. Joe prayed far into the night, while Dynah tossed and turned with troubled dreams. She knew Joe wanted to take care of her, and she was half-willing to allow him to do so. Yet she also knew God had something else in mind. Like Joshua, the Lord was telling Dynah to go forth into the Promised Land, and still she stood on the desert side, afraid to put her feet in the water.
It would be so easy to move in with Joe and allow him to take care of her. It was what he wanted to do. She wouldn’t have to face her parents. They wouldn’t even have to know. She could lick her wounds in private, have the child, and give it up for adoption. She could have her life back. She could forget the past and start over.
Haven’t I suffered enough, Lord? The world has crushed me. I’m going to have the child; isn’t that enough? Oh, God, what more do You want of me?
EVERYTHING. OBEY ME, AND I WILL ESTABLISH YOUR FAMILY IN THE PROMISED LAND. I WILL SET YOUR FEET UPON THE ROCK. I WILL BLESS YOU FOR GENERATIONS TO COME.
I felt so happy yesterday. I felt close to You again. I’m happy where I am. I can get by.
I WILL GIVE YOU LIFE ABUNDANT.
I don’t want to go home, Lord. Can’t You understand? I don’t want to hear them fighting over what I should or shouldn’t do. I don’t want to know about what my mother did or my grandmother did. It was their life, their decision, their sin. Why should I feel the weight of it? I don’t want the burden of their pain. I’ve enough of my own.
YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS IN ME, BELOVED. TRUST AND OBEY.
What purpose does it serve, Lord? Tell me and maybe then I’ll do what You want.
TRUST AND OBEY.
It’s not that easy. What about Charlie? How can I quit after three weeks and leave him in the lurch? What’ll he do for a waitress now that Susan is settled in San Francisco? Hire Harvey?