It hurt he didn’t let me in but I understood. So I handed him the box, watched him open it, pull out the kaleidoscope and handle it with care, turning it in his big hands.
I also remember thinking, as I watched him handle that stained glass, it felt almost like he was touching me with that kind of care.
You think you lost beauty, Jacob, but you didn’t. I’d said and I’d smiled what I was sure was a sad but stupid smile. Just turn the dial.
I’d wanted him to know she wasn’t good enough for him. I’d wanted him to know I understood she made a bad mistake and he was worth taking any way he’d want to give himself. I’d wanted him to know he could, and should, find better.
I’d wanted to take his pain away.
I’d failed in that.
What I didn’t see was what neither of us saw but what Elsbeth did. Right under her nose, he’d found better.
Me.
But when he kissed my cheek, said sweet words to me and closed the door, I walked away.
I didn’t try to go back.
I wasn’t happy living my life disconnected, especially not disconnected from Jacob. I just didn’t realize it and went about my life like I’d been doing before, burying the fact that I’d found the man who was meant for me, and let him go.
Of course, he was my ex–best friend’s boyfriend.
But then he wasn’t.
And I let him go.
Just then, looking at that kaleidoscope, I knew why.
Harvey did that to me.
Jacob sauntered out of the bathroom, taking my attention again, giving me the opportunity to debate if his front was better than his back (front won because it included his face, which had a hank of hair that had fallen over his eye).
It also gave me a brief but happy moment to study all that was him.
My first viewing was that first night we made love, so turned on, I didn’t know a person could get that turned on, watching him at the foot of the bed taking his clothes off, exposing the power that he hid underneath that I thought was only barely hidden.
But seeing it all, he was hiding a lot.
What seemed like miles of defined muscle, broad shoulders, ridged abs, thick thighs, expansive smooth chest, bulky arms and how he was endowed, the biggest I’d ever seen, and also the most beautiful.
Watching him expose it to me, I got even more turned on.
And even just coming twice, watching him walk that power to me right then, I again got turned on.
He joined me in bed, hauling me over him so I was lying on top, flat out.
His eyes came to mine, his head gave a short jerk and his fingers at my hips dug in.
“Emme,” he whispered.
Clearly, I was wearing my thoughts on my face, and not the ones about his big, beautiful body.
“There’s something you need to know about me,” I announced.
His hands at my hips slid up and around so he was holding me lightly as his eyes held mine.
“Tell me,” he encouraged, his words quiet, interested, coaxing but not demanding.
Such a nice guy.
“When I was twelve,” I started swiftly so I wouldn’t back down from saying it, “I was kidnapped.”
He closed his eyes and his arms convulsed.
“He was a good man,” I declared.
Jacob’s eyes shot open.
“His name was Harvey,” I shared.
“Em—”
I kept going, talking over him to get it out.
“He’d lost his daughter and wife in a car accident. I looked like his daughter. He went a little loopy, which is understandable, saw me, snatched me from recess at school and took me to his house. He had me three days. He did five years in prison for three days.”
“Baby—”
“He asked me to wear his daughter’s clothes. I did. I was too young to know that was weird. He fed me her favorite foods. That was okay because hers were mine. He didn’t let me leave the house or get near windows. And he cried a lot.”
One of his arms wrapped tighter around my lower back, one of his hands slid up my spine and into my hair as he said, “Emme, honey—”
I kept going.
“Outside of snatching me, which was scary, he didn’t touch me. Nothing bad happened. He didn’t even call me her name. He knew I wasn’t her. He was just messed up. Sad and messed up.”
“Baby, can I say—?” he started, but I kept talking.
“In the end, he knew he did wrong and took me to the police station himself. When Mom and Dad got to me, that’s the only time I knew that something really bad had happened. I mean, I knew things weren’t right, I missed them and I was worried about them, knowing they would be worried about me, but that’s the kind of care Harvey took with me. Mom and Dad were beside themselves. Then Dad got really mad. If I wasn’t so young, I would have talked to them. Told them not to press charges. Encouraged them to get him the help he needed. I was too young. Dad lost it. They threw the book at him. And Harvey took it because he thought he deserved it. He had a daughter. If someone did that to her, he would have done the same.”
Jacob’s eyes were intent on me when he asked, “How do you know that?”
I didn’t answer his question.
Instead, I shared, “But he marked me.”
Another arm convulsion but this one didn’t loosen. “It would anybody.”
“No, Jacob, not like you might think. See, seeing him and how much he loved his wife, his daughter, how much he missed them, I changed. I was careful about letting people in my life. People I could lose. People who, losing them, could hurt me. Even the ones I loved, I held myself remote from, so if I lost them, I didn’t allow myself to feel that hurt. Not hurt like Harvey’s that slipped over the edge of sanity. Any hurt.”
My eyes slid to the kaleidoscope then back to him.
“Like losing you,” I finished.
His eyes closed again, his arms tightened further and he rolled me so he was on me, weight held up by a forearm in the bed but his forehead was resting on mine.
Then he opened his eyes and they were all I could see.
Concern.
Warmth.
Beauty.
Have mercy.
Looking into his eyes in that moment, I realized I’d been in love with Jacob Decker for fourteen years.
Fourteen years.
And I let him shut the door on me.
“Yesterday,” I started on a whisper, “I was angry and I said it was you that had to open the door because I would be a reminder of Elsbeth so that was up to you. I was wrong. I could have opened the door too.”
“Emme, stop talking.”
I closed my mouth.
“I knew all this. Elsbeth told me.”
“Pardon?” I breathed.
His eyes held mine as he lifted his head. Then his hand came up and his eyes watched as he brushed my bangs across my forehead so the ends didn’t spike in my eyes.
His gaze came back to me.
“Elsbeth shared that, baby,” he said gently.
I felt my jaw tighten before I stated, “That wasn’t hers to share.”
“No. You’re right. But she did.”
Outside of her breaking up with Jacob, which, belatedly, was a very, very good thing, that was the first time I was mad at her.
Really mad.
Fucking angry.
“That wasn’t fucking hers to fucking share, Jacob,” I mostly repeated.
“Shit, you’re cursing,” he muttered.
“Damn right I am!” I snapped. “What the fuck?”
His hand came to my jaw. “Emme, what I’m saying is, I know this and I know why you were remote. So, knowing it, it was me who should have opened that door. I didn’t. I took that kaleidoscope and closed the door in a way you couldn’t misinterpret and I didn’t open it, babe. It was you who came to me on the street and asked me to dinner. You got your shot, you took it and you opened that door.”
This was true.
&nbs
p; I relaxed under him and the anger ebbed out of me.
He felt it and continued.
“Now, some of the shit you shared makes me uneasy. You got it in you to go over it?”
I didn’t have an answer to that because I couldn’t fathom why he’d be uneasy.
“Why are you uneasy?”
“Because, at twelve, you were snatched from recess at your school by a man you didn’t know who made you wear his dead daughter’s clothes, eat the food she liked and kept you away from your family, and you don’t seem much to mind.”
On the face of it, that sounded crazy.
It just wasn’t.
“He didn’t hurt me,” I reminded him.
“He scared you and marked you, babe, you said both.”
“He was sweet,” I whispered, and Jacob blinked. “He was sweet and sad and grieving, and,” my arms around him got tight, “adults miss a lot of things, so involved in themselves, their lives, their stresses, their responsibilities. But kids don’t miss much. I knew he’d never hurt me. I also figured he’d eventually let me go. I knew he was in pain. It was weird and it was wrong but he was kind to me, it didn’t last long and then it was done.”
He studied me and his voice was very gentle when he asked, “Can you take a moment to think on everything you’ve said and see why you saying it would trouble me?”
“You weren’t there, honey.”
“You didn’t take a moment, Emme.”
I didn’t have to.
He didn’t know, and with this reaction it was clear I had to find the right time to tell him, and the right words to explain it, that now Harvey was a part of my life. We exchanged emails. I visited him. I’d sought him out because I never forgot him, as I wouldn’t, and he’d touched me in a way that might be twisted, but it didn’t feel that way to me.
He didn’t want me to be a part of his life, not because I hurt him, reminding him of his daughter and what he’d done. But because he was concerned for me.
I changed his mind.
So I’d gotten to know Harvey and why he did what he did. I’d also gotten to know the pain he suffered, the relief he felt at paying for his “crime,” and his depth of feeling that I forgave him. And last, I’d gotten to know the beauty of having him in my life knowing he felt the same having me in his.
Not his daughter. He always knew I wasn’t her.
Me.
No, I didn’t think at this juncture Jacob would get that.
Still, I could remove myself and see why it troubled him.
He was just wrong.
I wasn’t going to tell him that either.
“I get why it troubles you,” I told him.
“Do we need to take you to see somebody?” he asked.
No way.
I’d already sorted most of it out (obviously not all). And I’d done that with Harvey.
“I’m coming to terms with some things on my own,” I shared.
“Emme, a professional—”
I cut him off with, “Let me think about it,” then I moved to change the subject, “Can we talk about what happened at the station now?”
We hadn’t talked about that. That was because, when he and Chace got back, there were women to entertain and men working. Jacob and Chace joined the boys in the attic immediately.
And I wasn’t wrong. It took longer than an hour for the guys to install my insulation, but by midafternoon the entire job was done.
Then Faye suggested we all go eat Mexican food at Rosalinda’s in Chantelle and I decided that was a good idea so I could pay and thus repay the boys for their help.
We went.
Jacob decided he’d pay.
We had words.
Everyone (and that was everyone) thought this was hilarious by the looks they gave us, Bubba cracking up laughing and, last but not least, Deke looking at Jacob, grinning and proclaiming, “Dude, you are so fucked.”
I quit arguing with Jacob at Deke’s comment but commenced pulling a fast one. I said I needed to powder my nose, then caught the waitress and gave her my credit card.
Jacob lost his mind (mildly).
I ignored this and told him if it made him feel better, he could buy me another margarita.
Krystal nodded to me with approval.
Nina, Lauren, Lexie, Faye and Zara glanced at each other with concern.
Jacob paid for margaritas and beers all around (except Faye had juice).
I could tell Jacob was still irritated in the truck on the way home. So when we got to his house, I turned in the hall just inside from the garage, got up on my toes and gave him a kiss.
He took me right to bed.
He got over his irritation quickly.
Taking us to now.
“I’ll give you that play,” Jacob said, regaining my focus, referring to my change of subject away from Harvey, “ ’cause I’m tired, I just came hard, got two outta you, so I don’t wanna go there, but more, I don’t wanna take you there.”
At least there was that.
Then he took it away.
“But we’re not done talkin’ about this,” he warned.
I looked to his chin, knowing he wouldn’t let me get off the hook about Harvey so easily, and murmured, “I figured.”
“Emme, look at me.”
I looked at him and he got even closer.
“What that guy did was not good, it was not right and not just because it was not legal. It was whacked. He paid, which was right. It concerns me you’ve twisted that in your head to make it seem okay. It wasn’t. None of it was. You were too young to understand but you’re not too young now. It’s good and I’m glad you’re takin’ time to reflect and untwist things, see how that affected you. But, baby, you gotta see that through.”
I agreed because I thought that was my best course of action at that juncture.
“Okay, Jacob.”
“Okay,” he replied.
“The station,” I prompted, and Jacob just stared at me.
Then he said, “Fuck me.”
“What?” I asked.
“Right, backtrackin’ for a minute, I’m lyin’ on top of you, both of us naked in my bed. I think you get that what we’ve just started is somethin’ I want to build on, even if it took a long time to start and started a little whacked. Seein’ as you’re here, naked in my bed, I’m readin’ you wanna build on that too. What I need from you is not to be with me and be remote. You’re either with me or you aren’t, and babe, I’m gonna make the effort to keep you with me.”
I didn’t understand what he meant.
“Jacob, I’m with you.”
“You don’t think I know you just agreed then changed the subject so I’ll shut up about something you don’t agree with me about?”
It was at that moment I was realizing that having a genius as a boyfriend might not be all fun and games.
Sure, he could measure the insulation I needed in my attic not using a tape measure but the power of his mind.
But other times, it was going to suck.
“Honey—”
He shook his head. “I’ll give you that play too. Just doin’ it lettin’ you know that I know you’re makin’ a play.”
I was going to get nowhere with this and I knew it.
So I murmured, “Oh, all right.”
“And last thing I’m gonna say about this is, I also knew then and even more now that shit made you live remote, behind a veil, givin’ but holdin’ back. That shit starts to leak back in, I’m gonna put a stop to that too.”
“You know, now you’re annoying me,” I shared.
“Good, bein’ annoyed means you feel somethin’ so I’ll take that,” he returned.
I glared.
He took my glare for a moment then grinned.
“Station!” I snapped.
His grin got bigger.
My gaze narrowed on it so they saw his lips start to move and returned to his eyes.
“McFarland gets me. He gets Chace. He also gets Mick
Shaughnessy. Chace shared with your top man at the Gnaw Bone station that McFarland called you and before you knew any of this was happening, you’d made the decision to scrape him off. So he was with us when we shared our understanding that you are done with him so he’ll also need to demonstrate he understands that. You hear from him again, like you did today, you tell me immediately. But, my guess, you won’t hear from him again.”
This was very good.
“What’s going on with all that?” I asked, expecting he would shut it down, but hoping he didn’t.
He didn’t.
He told me.
“Regardless of the evidence, no confessions and no one is fingering the ringleader. The group is tight. There are some indications McFarland is the weak link, not least of which that moron gave you a stolen ring. Their attention is focused on him. They’ll go up for bond hearings tomorrow and we can hope to Christ they’ll be set high and they can break McFarland before that happens. We’ll see.”
For the Dane who could be sweet, I felt badly.
But I didn’t feel much else.
I took a moment to reflect on this because I’d spent three years working with him and four months dating him, and outside of being creeped out I did the latter, I didn’t feel much about him at all.
“Emme, what’s in your head?” Jacob asked, and I focused on him.
“I don’t care,” I told him.
His brows drew together. “What?”
“About Dane. I’m still creeped out about…” I hesitated as a dark look started to enter his eyes so I chose the words, “You know. But mostly, I don’t care and I’m trying to figure out if that’s me being remote in order not to get hurt or feel other things, or if I just don’t care.”
“Baby, a lot I’d do for you ’cause you’re my Emme, but lyin’ naked in bed with you sortin’ out your feelings for McFarland is not top of that list.”
What he said made me laugh out loud, holding him tight as I did.
When I finished, he was grinning at me.
I liked that so I asked, “You know what I like about this?”
“This?”
“Us.”
“The fact that I can make you come while I’m fuckin’ you, sometimes repeatedly?” Jacob guessed.
I started giggling again but shook my head. “No. Though that’s a bonus. It’s because we’re working things out, finding our way in a new way, but you always find a way to lead us back to who we were. Taking me to familiar. Making me know I won’t lose that. And I loved that. I lost it once, so I don’t ever want to lose it again. That’s what I like.”