me. I was not that much close to you. I have spoken to you only a few times...You don’t know anything about me. Then how could this happen.”
She expressed her bewilderment and the criteria one needed to fulfil in order to love someone.
How could she be aware that I too was wondering the same criteria, about love, which I failed to satisfy yet happened to fall in love with her?
She shook her head in disappointment. In that moment, she was worried thinking about my plight. My love for her could deserve only that happy thing from her.
“I am not interested in you. That’s why I haven’t even replied your mail.” She told me.
“My parents said Ok to my love, they will speak with your parents if you have any trouble with them,” I blabbered something.
Tears are ready to flow from my eyes but I dammed them through my eyelids.
She said to me,
“I know him for many years; he is my relative as well. I love him and he too loves me. We are about to marry soon. So please, you go on in your way and never mingle in my path.”
While hearing this, I didn’t felt any differences, either physically or mentally, except that I froze while my heart melted inside. Her mesmerising eyes still looked innocent. She went immediately after saying this.
I thought of calling her name but I know she will neither stop to listen to me nor she will turn back to see me, as she loves another person. Therefore, I left it there. My girl, who made me feel myself as nothing, had felt nothing because of me. When I hardly digested that my beloved is in love with some other and was willing to spend her life with him, all I wished is that I should not have born.
37.A BEAUTIFUL LIFE:
The next day it is going to be Diwali. In that evening time, I saw people bursting crackers and the whole sky got decorated with various fireworks from various children. Nothing could distract me and when I imagined my girl getting married with another, all I wished was to end my life the same moment.
Then I walked towards the oak trees in the beach where I and Sakthi once wrote ours and our lovers’ names. My heart weighed too much all the way. I went there and hugged our oak tree. In that moment I felt the same suffocating effect, which love offered to Sakthi on that day he proposed to his girl. The same strangling effect that took Sakthi away from us, made me fragile.
I sat on the beach. I thought about many things, tears streamed down my cheeks. I felt it drop by drop. I thought about my life which was about to become dark without the love she could reciprocate. I thought about the one she is going to marry and her life with him.
Is he more handsome than me? Does he love her as much as I do? What made her to love him? Is it me or he, who came into her life, the first? If he hasn’t came into her life then might she have accepted my proposal? When it is happened to me to fall in love with her then how could she be in love with another one? Because of my love towards her, is she gifted? Or am I deceived? These questions running in my mind soured my soul. I was restful for few minutes so that the patient medication would heal my wounds.
Later, I prayed to God,
“You made me not deserving of her. At least make her deserve the same or more amount of love, which I possess for her, from the one she is going to marry.”
With sobs, I brooded about the sin I had committed, for I was at last cheated and defeated in the game of love.
Then I thought about everyone who possesses an unrequited love.
Everyone understands the depth of their life only after falling in love with someone. But in this world everyone who loves someone doesn’t always gets loved back by the same one. Now it was confirmed that she is not going to live with me anymore “Should I stuck to drugs in order to forget these abominable things or should I leave my life?”
NO….
I will never do that because I started to love my life only after I started loving her. I should never hate my life just because she is not with me now. If I do so, then there won’t be any meaning in my love towards her. I feel that though she doesn't love me, I could never take her away from my life. Even if I empty my heart she will be still present in it as the emptiness.
Perhaps, This is not the end of the road but beginning of another journey. I know first love is always special and unique and all other is going to be an illusion of it created by us. But, what could be done... When I loved her, I found a new hope that my life is going to be beautiful in an extraordinary way and that hope is going to be there with me forever in making my life beautiful. Whatever she does, I couldn’t stop loving her and that I end up loving her more. Though I like to cover it up by building a false barrier of hate or angry towards her the truth remains the same that I want to live with her up to the last second of my life. Now I shouldn’t regret falling for her just because she doesn’t fall for me because I still know how it felt when I realised what she was about to mean in my life and how beautiful it could be if I get her. I still know how much I enjoyed previously dreaming about her all the time. To love this beautiful girl, I have given in whatever it had taken and now I can’t take anything back. But this doesn’t mean I shouldn’t move on.
One may ask what the good has my love done to me. Because of her thoughts I lost my concentration on my subjects, I could not get good marks and I haven’t even got a job in any of the good companies. Nonetheless, to live a happy all these things are not necessary. One can live a happy life even without them; once if we could understand the real meaning of our life. When I realised my love for her, I understood what my life is meant for… AND NOW I DON’T WISH TO MAKE MY LOVE MEANINGLESS WHICH MADE ME TO UNDERSTAND THE REAL MEANING OF MY LIFE…
Her love once showed me the beacon of light into my life to guide my path. I still believe that her love will be always there in guiding my life in the best way. I will surely marry some other girl and live a beautiful life which I thought of living with her. Let the love that went as unreciprocated remain as an unfailing source I wish to have in my life. This doesn’t mean that I would completely be able to forget her and love another girl. This just means that I could never be able to forget my girl but that doesn’t going to affect the love I am hoping to possess for my future wife. It is merely going to get increased. After all, I have understood what is love, what it means to love someone and to be reciprocated with the same amount of love. I have become loveable, and still I have a life ahead. There may not be another love story, and sure first love would always be special yet, even when I didn’t get her, my life is still going to be blessed one with the love I possessed for her. And it is my love towards her which taught me, how to love someone. I know how beautiful the feeling of love is. Let me give that feeling to someone who yearns for it. Let that someone be the girl I am going to marry.
If I have got her, then it will have been the happiest thing of my life. Now I haven’t got her this causes the yearning and saddest thing to me. After all, I knew that the yearning and sadness for a happy thing, which has failed to happen, can be forgotten by undertaking some other happy things in my life. I will forget the sadness of not having her by living a beautiful life with another girl. With her affection and with my love towards her, I will convert these worries into ecstasies.
I will do all these because someday in my life I want to look back and feel happy that all these great things happened because once I loved her so much. I want to make myself and others including her to understand that my love for her is always been a great gift to me in making my life a beautiful one. When I loved her I wanted to bring as much of happiness as much as I could in her life... She didn’t gave me that opportunity, But I will live a happy life and one day I will make sure that she finds happiness when I tell her that my life became blessed with the love I possessed for her though she wasn’t able to reciprocate the love. Because more than all she was a girl worth loved, the same way my life worth lived.... For love is
a mirror, the image of happiness or sadness depends on the way we look on to it.
After spending some time at the shore, I returned to my home. I called my mother and father, they were eager to know what has happened. I went to sleep in my mother’s lap. After that I explained everything to them.
My mother couldn’t utter a word, because of the shocking news. For all that, she tried to heal my wounds by saying various consolations and stories.
My father asked me
“By loving her so much, how will you love another girl after you marry her?”
“Though I loved her, my love for my mother never decreased. Like this, though I love her, my affection won’t be decreased for the one I am going to marry. With the girl I marry, I will begin my life with an intention that it should be as happy as possible”, I told him.
My father said to me,
“You understood the real path of life. Tell me, what kind of girl do you want to marry? I will search her and show her in front of your eyes”
“Any one, but not like the ‘Investigative girl’ you married” I said to him.
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