Chapter 12
I did not know how long I stood there watching the flames. But, night had fallen and the moon was out. I wondered, where did the Elvains go when they died? Did they also have a God or some form of deity that they worshiped? Did they have a heaven or an afterlife that they went to when they passed away? As I thought of these questions, Mirra walked over to me and stood beside me. We were quiet for a while before she turned to me. She looked down on the ground first before lifting her head and looked straight into my eyes.
“I want to apologize. I was jealous of you and Von together. I am sorry if I caused you any grief because of it. And, the vision that I had of the cave—”
I held her hand to stop her. “You loved him. I understand. You did everything, just as I have. Lets forget about the past and start over. I want us to be friends.”
She wanted to say more, but nodded instead. “I would like that. Thank you, Cassiea.” She looked at the flames for a few more seconds before she left.
I stood there a little bit longer before turning to go as well. I stopped when I heard a faint sound of music playing in the air. It sounded like a flute and the melody lightened my heart. It pulled me forward and I followed the tune. I was up on a cliff when the music stopped. I walked over to the edge and looked down at the top of their corts. I could see the fire still burning. My eyes watered as I pictured Von and Loquis in my mind. A slight movement caught my eyes and I looked to see the man who had rescued me in the forest. He was holding a flute in his hand.
“You should be resting,” he said by way of greeting.
I did not reply, just looked at him as he approached me. He still disturbed me and I still didn't know why. As I watched him, my stomach tightened and my heart skipped a beat. It was discomforting and disturbing. I couldn't look at him anymore so I turned and watched the fire burn.
“How long do you think the fire will last?” I asked.
“The flames are created by magic. It will stay burning for a couple more days.”
“Why do you do that?”
“This is the way we honor our dead. It is said that the smoke guides the soul to the heavens. We let the flames burn for a few days to help the souls on their way. Also it is for our people, the ones who are not here will be able to see the smoke and give their peace to them.”
After several minutes of silence, he spoke again.
“Cass—”
“Don't,” I turned to him and said before he could finish. “Don't tell me that their deaths and the others were not my fault. It doesn't help. It doesn’t take away the guilt or the pain.”
“I was going to say if you need a shoulder to cry on, mine is available.”
“I'm fine.”
“Cass, you have been through a lot in a short period of time. It is more than anyone could take. Though we have only met once, briefly, try not to think of me as a stranger, or a man for that matter. Think of me as someone that you can lean on for support or comfort.”
“Like Mr. Blinky,” I said softly .
He frowned in confusion. “Mr.—blinky?”
My face turned red. I did not realize I said it out loud. “When I was really, reaalllly very young I had this yellow blanket. I don’t know why but it was always my favorite. When I was sad, scared, or upset I would hold on to the blanket. It always made me feel better.”
His lips twitched. “Yes, like Mr. Blinky. Use me as someone you can hold on to, to make you feel better; or, I can have someone retrieve that blanket for you.”
“I don’t have it anymore. It is gone, along with my parents in the car accident.”
“I am sorry.”
“It was all my fault. We were coming back from a trip. A drunk driver had rammed us from behind. My father had lost control of the car and the car started to spin. It got turned over, but we were safe. We got out of there alive. When I realized that my blanket was still in the car, I wanted to go get it. My father wouldn't let me. I was such a stubborn kid. I kept begging him and begging him about that stupid blanket. He had finally given in and promised to go back if I stayed right where I was. He was coming back when there was an explosion. Something hit him and he went down. I heard my mom scream and she started to run to him. I ran after her calling to them when there was another explosion. The next thing I could remember, I was in a hospital and my parents were dead.”
“Herina,” he whispered before he wrapped me into his arms. When he felt me stiffen, he held on tighter. “Stay,” he softly said to me. “Stay even if it is just for a moment. Forget about who we are or what we are. Just be with me and hold on to me. Let me comfort you at least for a little while.”
I burst into tears and clung to him, crying in his arms for a very long time until I was all dried up. Then I moved away. I had never told anyone about what happened that day when my parents died. I didn't know why I told him. Maybe I wanted him to be repulsed by what I did and he would stay far away from me. Or maybe, I needed to tell someone, to confess all of my sins. The police had asked me what happened that day, the shrinks also, and so did the social workers, but I didn’t say a word. I didn’t speak for a very long time. I was so ashamed of what I did. So afraid of what people would do to me if they knew that I had killed them. I was such a coward. A selfish coward. I have so much to repent for. I have caused so much death.
“Thank you.”
“Any time. I will always be here for you. That's a promise.”
He left me alone to grieve privately. I was grateful for everything he had done. Not only had he saved my life, but he had comforted me when I needed it. I was grateful that he didn’t try to console with me, telling me that it wasn’t my fault when we both knew that it was. Whoever he was, I hoped that I would never see him again. I was so afraid that he would end up like the others, dead at my hands.
A week later, after the healer had pronounced me healed, I set out for my home. Shuron said that I was welcome in their home. There was always a place for me there if I chose to stay. But, I couldn’t. I couldn’t live there each day knowing that I had caused them to lose friends and loved one. I couldn’t stand to see their accusing faces staring at me. Shuron had told me on several occasions that what happened wasn’t my fault and not to blame myself for it. But, it was my fault and no one could tell me otherwise. For the week that I was recovering, I stayed in my room. I was grateful that no one disturbed me. The only person that I saw was Shuron and I didn’t have the heart to tell him to go away. To see him, was to remind me of Von and the stories he had told of the two of them.
During one of his visits he told me that Wolrik had arranged my uncle's burial. I was out in the forest with Von and couldn't be contacted. He apologized for not making the arrangements himself, but at the time, he was trying to gather some reinforcements to go after us. That just made me burst into tears and I was thankful that he knew I needed to be alone. The first thing I did when I was back was to visit my parents' graves then my uncle’s. The apartment that we lived in was in a hotel. He was the super there and part of his job was to be on call at a moment's notice, so they had provided a place in the hotel for him to live. He was able to haggle them into giving us a two-bedroom instead of a one-bedroom, as stated in the contract.
When I got to the hotel, I was distressed to find that our belongings had already been packed and shipped. He gave me an address where I could retrieve them. When I got there, it was a building with a bar on the ground floor with apartments above it. The bartender was an Elvain. She said she was expecting me and led me to one of the apartments upstairs. Before she went back down, she handed me a note from Shuron. He wrote that the apartment was mine. Tirena, the owner of the bar and building, would give me a job in her bar if I wanted it. But if I chose to go on my own, I should consider this place as a temporary residence until I found something more permanent. And no matter what I decided, there was a home back in Edeon waiting for me. I was part of their family whether or not I accepted it. He also wrote that Tirena would help me learn to control and use
my magic. She would be my instructor until I was ready to accept a mentor of my own. At the doorway, I looked inside and realized it was in the exact layout of the apartment I shared with my uncle at the hotel. Even the furniture and everything that we had in it, was in the same position. Everything the same, but not the same. A home that was not a home. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and closed the door.