“I was just messing around, okay? I know what you’re saying. Maybe last week I wouldn’t have known, but I know now.”
I had to look up at that. “What do you mean?”
He sighed out heavily and tugged on my hand. “Come sit by me.”
Reluctantly, I took the spot on the bench that was far enough away that we weren’t touching but not so far that it would look like I was avoiding him.
“Like you said … there’s a lot of pressure on us to be a certain person. At school, I mean.”
“Yes.” I nodded.
“And sometimes you feel that pressure, I guess, but for me, I mostly just moved through it without thinking too much about it.”
“No wonder.”
He looked at me sideways. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Never mind.” My mouth had gotten away from me again.
He twisted on the bench to face me. “No, really, I want to know.”
“I really need to get going.”
“Aren’t you staying for lunch?”
I shrugged, feeling stupid. “I don’t know.” I wanted to stay but knew I should go. I’d never been so confused in my own head before. It was unnerving, like I wasn’t in control of myself anymore.
“Stay for lunch … but first tell me what you meant when you said ‘no wonder’.”
I looked up at him. “Promise you won’t get offended?”
“No.”
“Then I’m not telling you.”
“Okay, fine, I won’t get offended.”
Looking into his eyes and staring at his face actually made it easier to tell him the truth. Seeing his impossibly handsome face reminded me of being invisible to him in the hallways.
“You’re too good-looking and athletically talented to even notice the pressure. You could come to school with an orange clown wig on your head and everyone would think you were being cute. If I did that, everyone would talk about what a freaking idiot I am. People like you and Britt and Tiff and all your friends get a free pass. People like me get beat down. That’s the way it works, but you wouldn’t know that because you get to wear the orange wig whenever you want.”
He shook his head at me slowly and it made me feel about two inches high.
“You really are pretty clueless, aren’t you?” he said.
That made me back my head up a little. “Excuse me?”
He kind of laughed, but it was more the bitter variety. “No one has it that easy. It’s just an illusion.”
“I doubt it.” I actually did kind of doubt it hearing him say that, but because I was interested in hearing his take on it, I challenged him. “Your life is nothing like mine.”
“Haven’t you ever heard that expression that things are tough all over?”
“No.”
“Well, it’s true. Being me … it’s not easy.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Yeah. Soooo tough. Being hot and smart and covered in muscles and the star of the football team every girl wants to sleep with. Must be reeealll tough.”
His eyes went dark. “Have you ever thought about what it might be like to not know if anyone actually liked you? Like, ever in your life?”
That stopped my laughter short. “What?”
“You heard me. Let me ask you this … does Bobby really like being your friend? Does he like you as a person, I mean?”
“Of course he does.” I kind of laughed, kind of semi-snorted, thinking what a ridiculous question that was. “Why else would he text me a thousand times a day and be at my house every day for the last ten years?”
“Exactly.”
Jason didn’t say anything else so we just sat there looking at each other.
He lifted an eyebrow.
“What? Am I supposed to say something right now?” I asked.
“You don’t get it, do you?”
“Get what?!” I threw my arms up.
“You know! You know that Bobby really likes you.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “I’m prrreeettty sure we already established that.”
“See, I don’t have that.” He leaned in and pointed at my chest. “I don’t have that. Never have.”
I looked down at where he was pointing. “Sweaty cleavage?”
He gently tapped my chin on the side, pushing my face away. “Shut up, you know what I’m talking about.”
I laughed. “No, I seriously don’t. ‘Splain yourself.”
He paused and just stared at me. Slowly a smile spread over his face.
“Now what?” I asked. “You’re making me nervous. You’re not going to kiss me again, are you?”
He burst out laughing, leaning way back on the bench almost to the point I thought he was going to fall.
“You’re going insane staying in this house all day,” I said, playing off my latest gaff. “We have to get you out of here.”
He straightened up at that and lost his smile. But he didn’t look mad. “You’re fucking awesome,” he said.
I couldn’t help but grin at that. “I am? How come?”
“Because. You like me.”
I rolled my eyes. “Full of yourself maybe? Just a tad?”
“No, I mean you really like me.” He swung his arm up and rested it across my shoulders. It was heavy, but I liked the feel of it anyway. Bobby’s arm always felt like a skinny tree branch as opposed to this giant log.
“Yeah, I like you,” I said, trying to ease myself past the awkward warmth flowing through my chest area. “I even brought you a sandwich. Want it?” I tried to stand, but his heavy arm held me on the bench.
“In a minute. I want to tell you what I was trying to tell you a second ago.”
“Better hurry. My stomach’s about to start eating itself.”
He pulled his arm off me and started fiddling with his fingers in his lap. “When you’re what people consider good-looking, all kinds of people want to be your friend.”
“A very sad story,” I said with my subdued, very understanding voice.
He talked a little louder, I think to drown my smart-ass out. “And when that happens all the time, you wonder if any of those people actually like you, like you, or just like being around you for what it will get them.”
I nodded, trying to understand what that would be like. Since I’d never experienced anything like that before, it was tough to imagine it with respect to myself, but I could definitely see it with Jason.
“I know,” I agreed. “That’s what I was kind of trying to tell you earlier.” I looked up at him. “I think your perspective on life is seriously skewed. How could it not be? I mean, probably very few people in your life have ever really been genuine with you.”
“You might be right.” He sighed. “I wish I had done things differently.”
I stared at his strong jaw and lips, the ones that had kissed me just a little while ago that I sadly wished would come after me again. His problem was his face being so arrestingly handsome. There was way too much hotness going on there for any person to resist, really. People couldn’t be blamed for that weakness.
“You should have uglied yourself up,” I said. “That would have helped, probably.”
He laughed, like he wasn’t sure he’d heard me right. “Uglied myself up?”
“Yeah. Grown one of those nasty pube-like beards, like Jon Bertrand has.”
“He’s ugly even without the beard, trust me.” Jason laughed.
“Yeah, but that’s beside the point. Grow one of those face-muffs and no girl’s going to want to kiss you.” I literally shuddered at the thought.
“I had a beard for a little while. Didn’t stop Tiffany from making her move.”
I gasped and grabbed his arm. “No! Say it isn’t so.”
He smiled but he didn’t look very happy. “It’s so.”
“She totally went after her BFF’s man?” I shook my head, my hand slipping off his arm as I contemplated the third world war that would have broken out had Brittney ever found out. Talk
about serious entertainment. “You people have no moral code at all.”
“Hey!” he nudged me. “Don’t include me in that mess.”
“You were the centerpiece of that big mess,” I said without thinking.
He instantly stopped laughing. Silence pressed down on us, and I hated myself for not controlling my mouth once again.
“I’m sorry. That sucked.”
“No, you’re right.” He stood up and held out his hand. “Come on. Let’s go eat a sandwich and forget about all this stuff.” He sounded resigned to his fate of being an asshole, something I couldn’t seem to quit reminding him that he was. What was wrong with me?
“You see the irony here, right?” he asked me as he moved down the hallway.
“No, not really. Enlighten me.”
“If this shit hadn’t happened, you and I would have never had this conversation and none of this stuff would have ever entered my mind.”
“So, what’s the irony?” I asked.
“The irony is, I had to murder a guy to become a better person.”
I tripped on nothing at all and had to hold onto the wall or risk falling flat on my face. My feet didn’t want to work right anymore.
“That is just … so … awful,” I said, feeling the blood leaving my face. Reality had a way of taking my circulation away from me at the oddest times.
“You have no idea,” he responded, his broad back slowly going lower as he descended the stairs at the end of the hall.
We went the rest of the way down to the kitchen silently, lost in our own worlds.
Chapter Thirty-Four
I PULLED THE SLIGHTLY SOGGY peanut butter and raspberry jam sandwiches from my bag and gave one to Jason. He ate it happily, like it was the best meal he’d had in weeks. I couldn’t even touch mine. The butterfly battalions fighting for ground in my stomach made it impossible.
“You going to eat that?” he asked, gesturing at my plate.
“No. It’s gross.” For the first time in my life, I had no appetite.
“Want me to make you something?” he asked, leaning over and taking my sandwich. He bit into it as he waited for my answer.
“No, that’s all right.” I looked around the kitchen, still feeling terrible about his ironic admission and my lifetime of judging him and everyone I’d thought was like him. We’re all human beings, just trying to make our way through the mess that’s high school and society’s unrealistic expectations. Why had I never noticed that before? Why had I put guys like him up on a pedestal and just assumed their lives were better for it?
“I could boil you an egg. You need some protein.”
My eyes went back to him. “I do?”
He nodded, chewing away at the last piece of sandwich he’d crammed into his mouth in one bite. “Yeah. Helps build muscles.”
I lifted up my arm and flexed. “I’m pretty sure I don’t have any, actually. Today proved it.”
He shook his head. “No, today proved you’re strong. You have a great frame. Just work out with me five times a week and you’ll see results fast. I promise.”
“You promise? But what about all the sweat? I’m not really into that part of the equation.”
He grinned, revealing mushy bread and raspberry seeds stuck in his teeth. “Sweating feels great. Gets rid of toxins. You’ll see.”
“You seriously need a toothpick,” I said, laughing slightly.
“What are you talking about?” He smiled harder.
I looked away. “Gross. Forget what I said earlier. You’re really not all that good-looking after all.”
He stood up and took our plates, responding on his way to the sink. “Don’t think for a single second that I’m going to forget all those things you said about me. My hot face and my muscles and all that.”
I groaned. “I was just saying it for illustrative purposes. Don’t let your head get too big over it.”
He turned around and leaned on the counter. “So you’re saying I’m not good-looking at all, then?”
I nodded. “Yep. Right now I’m actually picturing you with that snatch-beard on your face, and I’m thinking it would be an improvement.”
His grin got way too evil for comfort. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
Worried he might actually grow one just to spite me, I changed the subject. “So, what’s going on with your case, anyway? Any news?”
Jason pulled two apples out of a bowl on the counter and tossed one to me. I tried to catch it with one hand while he bit into his, but it bounced off my thumb and landed with a thunk on the table. Luckily I pounced on it before it rolled to the floor. Yum. Bruised apple for lunch.
“My case? Jesus. Talk about a mood breaker.” He chewed a huge bite of apple, wiping his mouth off with the back of his hand when the juice splooged out.
I took a bite of my apple just to have something to do with my hands and waited for him to talk. I’d had enough with discussing his looks and our lame high school existence. Anything had to be better than that garbage, even his legal situation. Besides, it wasn’t like we had a lot to talk about other than those two subjects.
“My lawyer says I have to plead not-guilty and give them a chance to build a defense while we wait for the trial.”
“What are they going to build it out of? The defense, I mean.”
Jason took another big bite of his apple and chewed it like he was trying to murder it, which was kind of disturbing, to be honest. He shrugged, not really answering.
“I mean, what could they build a defense of, really?” I was playing dumb, like I was just mulling the idea over in my head, when I was really just trying to pressure him into saying something. I hated that he was just so accepting of everything, especially when it made no sense.
He shrugged again, so I continued.
“I mean, you killed the guy, you have the bruises to prove it. No one else was there…”
Jason’s gaze flickered over to the door and then came back to me, but it was such a telling gesture, he might as well have lit up a neon sign over his head.
My ears started to burn with the implications running through my head. I schooled my tone to remain normal, casual, somehow knowing if I acted too excited about his reaction that he’d shut down and refuse to talk to me anymore. Unfortunately, while my tone was casual and smooth, my choice of words was not.
“Who else was there, Jason?”
He blinked a few times and then tried to play it off. “No one. Just me and the coach.”
“You’re lying.” I stood up and slowly made my way over to him, taking a bite of my apple on the way. When I got closer I pointed the fruit at him. “Why are you lying?”
He looked at me like I was nuts, frowning. This same look would have sent me cowering away from him in the halls of our school before, but not anymore. Now I knew he was full of shit.
“Lying to you? I’m not lying.” He huffed out some air. “Get over yourself.”
I laughed right in his face. “You are totally lying.” I couldn’t stop grinning. It quickly turned into a kind of angry grin, though. “Someone else knows what happened that night and you’re covering up for him.” I narrowed my eyes. “… or her. Was it a girl? Was Brittney there?”
He rolled his eyes and moved away from me. “Jesus Christ, give it a rest, would you? Brittney was with the cheer team. There wasn’t anyone there. No one was there but us two, and that’s it, end of story.”
I followed him around to the other side of his kitchen island and trapped him next to the refrigerator. Staring up into his face, I refused to back down.
“You need to tell me right now who was there besides you and the coach.” I was actually shaking a little, thinking about how finally this whole situation might start making sense.
He stared down at me, his nostrils flaring out a little. He looked … dangerous. “Or else, what?” he asked. He was either angry or doing a very good impression of an angry person.
My heart was hammering away in my chest, like it
was trying to escape or something. Jason had gone from being my laughing workout buddy to being an adult murderer in the space of half a second. I probably should have left right then, but my mouth wasn’t finished destroying things.
“Or else I won’t be your friend anymore.” My voice didn’t have a whole lot of strength to it.
He lowered his voice too. “That’s fine, because I don’t want to be your friend anyway.” And then he was kissing me again.
His arms wrapped around me and pulled me in close. I could smell our sweat stink mingling in the small space between us, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t think it was the worst odor in the world.
This time, I didn’t immediately pull away. Because this time, it felt different. Gone was the tenderness. Gone was the spark. Gone was the hope. Now all I felt was a lie.
Jason pressed his lips harder against my mouth and he angled his head to the side to make it deeper. I did nothing but accept what he was doing. I didn’t actually participate, but I didn’t fight him off either.
He pulled his head away just a fraction of an inch. “You’re not stopping me.”
“And you’re not really kissing me, are you?” I was starting to get mad at this point. He was ruining everything, being the old Jason, trying to make me do things that neither of us wanted just because he could.
He pulled back more, confused. “I’m pretty sure I was, actually.”
“Nope.” I shook my head, looking way more confident than I was feeling. “You were trying to intimidate me and distract me, but I’m not that easy to manipulate, sorry to have to inform you.”
He let go of me and hissed out a whole lungful of air, running his fingers through his hair and making it stand on end. “Do you have any idea how annoying you can be?”
I smiled, feeling both embarrassed and a tiny bit proud. Hey, I might be a complete idiot but at least I have a skill. “Yes. Bobby tells me all the time, as a matter of fact.”
Jason didn’t say another word. Instead, he pulled the fridge open and blocked me from view with the door.