Terrabil, so that's where I'm headed."
"I'll come with!" said Balan. "You and I should be in more scenes together. Our names are awesome."
"Sounds good! We should get a move on," said Balin.
"Let's stand around and chat a bit longer," said Balan.
"Sounds good!" said Balin.
This mountaintop was surprisingly well-trafficked, as before Balin and Balan had moved on, another rider happened along. It's that most beloved of Arthurian characters, Peter the dwarf! That is to say, he was a guy with dwarfism. Just headed out from Camelot. Peter approached, seeing the two corpses and the two knights. "Well well well, what happened here?"
"Who wants to know? asked Balin.
"Me," said Peter. "I want to know."
"Oh, okay then," said Balin. "I slew the knight, but it was self-defense; we were jousting. Then the maiden came up and I slew..." Balin trailed off. "I slew her beloved," he said carefully. "So she killed herself with his sword."
"I see," said Peter.
"I've decided to be nicer to women in the future," Balin added hastily. "For her sake."
Peter harrumphed. "You don't realize how bad you've got it," he said. "This was Sir Lanceor, knight of the Round Table (which hasn't been established yet) and son of the King of Ireland."
"I thought he was Irish," agreed Balin.
"He had a lot of friends and a lot of relatives who altogether have a lot of swords," Peter explained.
"That makes sense," said Balin. "Him being a knight and prince and all."
"They will try to kill you and they will not give up until you're dead," Peter explained. He might have tried drawing Balin a diagram. I'm not saying he didn't.
It didn't sink in, though. "Man," said Balin. "And now Arthur's going to be double-mad at me because I killed this guy Lanceor and his girlfriend..." Balin paused, then resumed. "His girlfriend killed herself. Arthur's going to be so mad. About that."
Peters continued to try to explain to Balin how bad his situation was, but it's a hole with no bottom. So of course we get yet another random bystander arrival! This one was King Mark of Cornwall. Mark was just in the area, noticed a commotion, and came to see.
Mark saw the dead bodies and had to have everything explained to him all over again. Naturally he got sad and angry. Mark called up some fixers and arranges for a nice tomb to be constructed with a sign saying "HERE LIES LANCEOR THE SON OF THE KING OF IRELAND, KILLED BY BALIN ALLEGEDLY IN SELF-DEFENSE DURING A JOUST; AND WITH HIM THE LADY COLOMBE HIS PARAMOUR, WHOM BALIN INSISTS DIED OF A SELF-INFLICTED STAB WOUND IN THE CENTER OF HER CHEST, WHICH IS A STORY ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN WOULD LOOK ASKANCE AT, I'M JUST SAYING." It only took a few minutes to erect, apparently.
Merlin showed up at this point, because that sort of thing was bound to happen. Just to recap: Balin had been riding along, and then Lanceor caught up to him here. Then Columbe arrived, and then Sir Balan, and then Peter, and then King Mark, and now Merlin. It was an extremely heavily-trafficked random stretch of road.
Merlin ignored everyone else and approached Mark, as he oversaw the finishing touches being put on the tomb.
"The great battle shall be here," Merlin announced.
Mark jumped, because he hadn't heard Merlin coming up. "Gah! Sneak up on a guy. I beg your pardon!"
"The great battle, the greatest between two knights that shall ever happen, will happen here. And neither shall slay the other!" cried Merlin.
"Oh ah."
Merlin pulled out a pen which wrote in gold, and inscribed upon the door of the tomb two names: LAUNCELOT DU LAKE and TRISTRAM. "Those are the knights who shall fight here," he said to Mark.
"Well aren't you an interesting fellow," said Mark. "I don't believe we've met. I'm Mark, the King of Cornwall; charmed I'm sure. And you are?"
"I shall tell you not!" cried Merlin. "But when Sir Tristram runs off with his lady, that is when you will learn my name, and many other terrible things besides."
"I don't know a Tristram," muttered Mark, but Merlin had already moved on.
"You!" he cried to Balin, who had been standing by his horse nonchalantly watching the tomb getting erected. "You have done terrible things! Columbe is dead because of you!"
"You mean because I didn't act fast enough to stop her from suiciding, right?" asked Balin. "Right?"
"You know what I mean," said Merlin.
"I swear I didn't kill her!" shouted Balin, way louder than necessary. "She stabbed herself! I couldn't stop her! Quit accusing me everyone stop it!"
"Because of Columbe's death," intoned Merlin, "you shall strike a stroke most dolorous that ever man struck. It will ruin the most admirable man in Britain (aka Logris, aka England; these are interchangeable terms)."
"You mean Arthur?" asked Balin. "He means Arthur, everyone."
Merlin rolled his eyes. "Through that stroke not one, not two, but three whole nations shall fall into an economic recession that shall last a generation, and the strikee of your dolorous stroke shall not recover for many years."
Merlin then spun on his heel and started to walk away from Balin.
"I'm going to do my best to make you a liar," said Balin to Merlin's back. It was the best comeback he could think of. Lame, Balin. Lame.
Merlin dignified Balin's insult by vanishing in a puff of smoke, because Merlin had better things to do than take crap from the Idiot Knight.
"We should really be going," said Sir Balan.
"I didn't kill her," said Sir Balin.
"I know, I know."
"Before you gentlemen depart, might I know your names? I'm Mark, the king of Cornwall; charmed I'm sure," said Mark. Mark had watched Merlin and Balin's exchange with interest.
Before Peter had wandered off at some point, he had convinced Sir Balin that as a wanted criminal Balin shouldn't be giving out his real name. "I'm... some guy," said Balin.
"Yes?" said Mark.
"Um, okay, look," said Balan. "You see how he's got two swords? Just call him the Knight with Two Swords. Mister Two-Swords."
"One sword I pulled from a chastity belt," said Balin, holding it up.
"I'm sure you did," said Mark.
Balin held up his other sword. "And this is the sword that killed Columbe She killed herself."
"Of course," said Mark. "Listen, I just remembered I don't want to talk to you any longer, so I've got to take my leave of you."
"Bye Mark!"
"Cheerio." Mark rode off.
"What a nice guy! Well, we should go," Balin told Balan. They rode off in the other direction, towards King Rience. They hadn't gone far before Merlin started messing with them again. First he stepped out from behind a tree, disguised as a completely different old man than the old man we're used to.
"Where are you going?" Disguised Merlin asked.
"Who wants to know?" asked Balin.
"I'm not telling you my name," said Disguised Merlin.
"Well, maybe you're a jerk," said Balan. "Honest people tell people their names!"
"Yeah!" said Balin.
"Weren't you just now telling Mark you were Mister Two-Swords?" asked Merlin.
"I fail to see your point."
Merlin sighed. "Well, regardless. I know you're coming this way to find King Rience, but unless you do as I say you won't find him."
Balin's face lit up. "Oh! Oh! I know this! I know you! There's only one guy who orders people around and says weird stuff like that! You must be Merlin! It's Merlin! Hello, Merlin!"
"Who?" asked Balan.
"Merlin is Arthur's advisor," said Balin. "Merlin must be here to help us get in good graces with Arthur again!"
Merlin slapped his forehead. "Okay, listen, you pull this off, it'll work out great, but you've got to be on your toes, c'mon."
"Don't worry... Merlin," said Balin. "I'm your man, Merlin! You're Merlin!" Balin basically never figured things out, so he was pretty pleased with himself about this one.
Merlin led Balin and Balan to a little woodsy copse, and told them to nap for
a while, which they eagerly did. All the best strange adventures feature a nap! Roundabout midnight Merlin woke them up, and told them it was their time to shine.
"That road over there connects Castle Terrabil, where Rience is quartered, to the castle where Lady de Vance lives," Merlin explained.
"Say no more," said Balin. "You want me to murder Lady de Vance! I'm really good at killing ladies."
"No," said Merlin. "No. Rience is having an affair with Lady de Vance, and in a little while he and a light escort of about fifty knights are going to ride down that road. It's the best chance you'll have to get him out in the open."
"Okay!" Balin started to run out into the middle of the road to wait for Rience and his men, but Merlin pulled him back.
"Listen, idiot," said Merlin. "You just stand there, you end up fighting his fifty knights while he rides on. I'll show you where you'll ambush him."
"Ambush! Clever!" said Balin.
Merlin led Balin and Balan to a certain gully the road wound down, and the two brothers made ready at the top of the gully. A few minutes after they began to lie in wait, Rience and his entourage came riding through, exactly as Merlin had predicted.
"Banzai!" Balin and Balan leaped down into the middle of them, circumventing all Rience's men, and slammed into Rience, who was dehorsed and wounded during the surprise round. Then the brothers fought Rience's knights back-to-back for while, until they'd each slain a couple dozen, and the handful remaining gave up and ran off.
Once the battle had ended, Balin towered over Rience. "And now you die!" he cried.
"Wait! No! You can ransom me! You can ransom me!" shouted Rience. "You'll get way more money ransoming me than just looting my corpse, brigands!"
"We're not brigands," said Balan.
"He makes