together-”
“Ha ha!” Barry roared with laughter and jabbed me in the ribs. “Good one, Foggy! Anyway, how’s the beast? I see she hasn’t had her talons clipped lately - look at the state of your face! You can’t fight nature, I suppose - first the claws, then the horns, then the pointy tail.”
I leant forward conspiratorially and lowered my voice. “Myra’s pregnant, Barry.”
His mouth fell open. A piece of half-chewed crust dropped out. “W-w-well, it’s nothing to do with me! Why, what’s she said?”
“Of course it’s nothing to do with you! It’s not your fault I used sub-standard condoms, is it? Sorry,” I said to the shocked Scientologists, who’d chosen that moment to come in. “I’ve got to take responsibility for my actions. I can’t wait to be a dad, actually. I know I shouldn’t say it, but I can’t help hoping for a boy. We can do all that father and son stuff, you know? I’d love it to be a boy, I really would.”
Barry chewed his sandwich thoughtfully. “I think The Omen’s on Channel 4 again tonight.”
Dress Rehearsal
I arrived at work a little earlier so I could ask Kate if there was any overtime going. Joe hadn’t come into the cafe at all on Sunday, so Freckly Girl had stayed all day to help out, although we hadn’t been very busy. Joe owed me for six Sundays and I needed the money so I could finish my Christmas shopping. I’d tried calling him, but there was no reply. Oh well, nothing for it, I’d just have to use more of my overdraft, although Tim suggested I tried a Payday loan, because they had a fantastic reputation and hardly charged you any interest. That sounded ideal. I resolved to Google them between calls.
It was difficult to hear my customers over Sky’s noisy sobbing. She returned from a meeting with Kate wailing, “They think it’s me! The bastards think I’m the supergrass!” We tried to comfort her with soothing cups of herbal tea and rabbit chanting, but she was extremely distressed, even clutching my arm and crying, “Don’t let this happen to me, Foggy, don’t let me get dicked by the corporate knobs!” I didn’t know what to say to her and I felt completely torn in two, as in my headset, my customer was also sobbing: “You can’t do this to me, you can’t! How can you say it wasn’t a storm - my roof has a massive great hole in it, you can see right into the kids’ bedroom, for Christ’s sake! You’ve got to pay out!”
It was a pretty stressful morning all in all, but I did manage to grab a quick word with Kate as she passed through the department, carrying a huge coffee and a packet of Calms. “Hi Kate! Did you get up to anything nice at the weekend?”
“I visited some burial sites. To choose a plot.”
“Oh, how lovely. Did you select one?”
“I did select one, yes. But it’s not for me.”
“Er, right. Is there any chance of overtime, Kate? I could really use some extra cash you see, so I can finish my shopping-”
“You’ve only just been paid, Morten.”
“Yes, I know, but I had to give my Mum extra this month and well, you see, I’d like to get Myra something really special, as she’s expecting.”
“What’s she expecting?”
“Oh, I wasn’t supposed to say!” I laughed out loud - I’d done it again! “We’re going to have a baby.”
Kate stared at me. “You’re going to reproduce?”
“Yes,” I said proudly. “There’s going to be another little Foggy introduced to the world - imagine that!”
Kate looked down at her packet of Calms and muttered something I couldn’t quite hear, although I thought I caught the word ‘cyanide’. She walked off, still muttering. I assumed that meant there wasn’t going to be any overtime. Never mind - I’d just have to give the nice Payday loans people a call.
It was time for my very first dress rehearsal in the lead role. I don’t think I’d ever been so exhilarated cycling to the Jubilee Hall. With the Boxing Day opening night just a week away, excitement was beginning to build, and with everyone in their fabulous costumes, it really felt as if the performance had sprung to life.
Barry had actually turned up and was relishing his costume, lifting his dress to flash the girls, causing shrieks of horror. I hoped he would have a shave before opening night and that Tom would make him cover up his tattoo of a naked Betty Boop bending over - it didn’t seem like the sort of thing Auntie Em would have. Frankie Trevino kept throwing his flick knife at Nervous Noel to see if he could make it stick into his Tin Man outfit (a dustbin with the bottom burnt out) and Thin Lizzie was trying to coax Toto out of his basket with a digestive biscuit. Tom the Director was having trouble with a new PA system that he’d installed; he couldn’t get it to work properly so every now and then the hall was filled with “ for f......... why don’t you... what a f ....... piece of sh.....”
As we were waiting to get started, I managed to grab a quick word with Myra as she adjusted the straps on her pretty gingham pinafore. “Myra, I got this leaflet for you, one of my customers gave it to me. There’s a really interesting section on childbirth.”
“Oh yeah?”
“It’s all about giving birth silently, I’ll read you a bit. It says: any words spoken are recorded in the reactive mind and can have a harmful effect on the child. So, ideally, the doctors and nurses shouldn’t speak to you and you must try not to make a sound-”
“Are you taking the complete piss?”
“Er, I think it sounds-”
“Have you ever tried shitting a bowling ball?”
“Um, well, no-”
“Then shut up.”
I realised I hadn’t chosen a very sensible time to broach the subject, so I carefully folded the leaflet in two and tucked it into the pocket of my jeans. I didn’t have a costume to wear as Tom said the Wizard is “just a regular guy”. I had come across an old Santa Claus outfit in the props cupboard, so I was wearing the long white curly wig to make myself look a bit more wizardy. The beard was missing so I’d made one out of a roll of cotton wool I’d found in the first aid box at work. Just think - next year I’d have a child to share Christmas with! I could take Peanut to visit Father Christmas in that magical grotto outside Dorothy Perkins. Granny Pattern had taken me there once, but it was spoilt when she got very upset about the present I’d been given; a pink plastic teacup and saucer, for a doll’s house. Personally, I think the £3 fee was more about the experience and I’m not sure it warranted Gran’s two-hour sit-down protest on top of the elf.
Tom’s voice boomed over the PA. “Right, you shower of sh.... let’s get this ... ...on the road. And if I see anyone ....king yawning this time, I’m going to shove this ...... right up your ....... First positions, everyone.”
How very exciting - we were off!
I wheeled my bicycle slowly home. Its tyres had been completely slashed, even though I’d tucked it away behind the wheelie bins in the car park. Bloomin’ kids. I hoped Peanut didn’t grow up to be a horrid vandal. The dress rehearsal had gone quite well, apart from the fire, but at least we had managed to get it under control before it reached the helium canisters. I don’t know why Frankie chose to fiddle with his lighter when he was standing right next to the Scarecrow, but luckily the bucket of water destined for the Wicked Witch managed to put out most of the Scarecrow’s clothes. Shame he’d already run round the stage in a panic and set the curtains alight, but they’d burnt themselves out just before Tom managed to get the fire extinguisher to work.
Before the fire, poor Myra had experienced a few technical difficulties with her performance; her breasts had bounced out of her pinafore dress during the ‘Yellow Brick Road’ - Nervous Noel had to sit down and breathe into a paper bag until his panic attack subsided. When Glinda the Good Witch tried to transfer the ruby slippers to Myra’s feet, it took two of the cast the best part of twenty minutes to unlace Myra’s Doc Martens, tug them off her and wrestle her feet into the slippers. All the Munchkins started kicking off, moaning “Can’t we stand up for a bit, our knees are bloody killing us” an
d when Frankie changed some lyrics to “Lions and Tigers and Big Foot, oh my!”, Myra attacked him with the Tin Man’s axe. Thankfully, it was just a pretend one, made from rubber; the real one had gone missing. Tom had offered to drive Myra home, which was very kind of him, I think my slashed tyres may have proved too much for her to bear. I pondered the evening’s events as I walked home. I couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed with my contribution, especially as the starring character. I didn’t even get to use my powerful wizard’s voice that I’d perfected. Tom got Trunky Tracy to do it over the PA system as he said her voice was “more imposing” than mine. I did get to hand out the awards at the end and then wave goodbye to everyone from a cardboard box as two of the cast covered me over with paper clouds.
I was still deep in thought as I turned into the drive, and wheeled my flaccid tyres right over a smashed Smirnoff bottle. It was a piece of luck they were already in tatters. I found Mum in the lounge watching Crimewatch, so I made us a cup of tea and sat through a scary reconstruction of a bank robbery. One of the men caught on CCTV looked just like Joe. How funny, Chef has a double! I couldn’t wait to tell him.
It was Christmas Eve at last, the second most wonderful day of the year. It was bitterly cold and I struggled to cycle with any speed into a freezing north-easterly wind. “Morning