“Well, maybe Hunter really likes her,” says one of the girls.
“Or maybe he’s just a competitive asshole who bangs virgins because he can’t stand to lose,” says one guy.
“Dude, that’s what makes him an awesome quarterback. He’ll do anything to win. He even told everyone that he’d have proof after tonight.”
“That’s nasty,” says one of the girls.
“How else are we gonna know he did it with a real virgin?” says the guy.
What the fuck?
I stop in my tracks and cover my mouth, holding back a horrible sound that might be a scream or might just be a sob. Either way, I keep it at bay. My pride won’t let me weep or feel like this. I throw up a mental wall of pure anger. One half goes to me for allowing myself to be suckered like this. The other half goes to Hunter for taking things so far. I gave myself to him. I opened my heart to him. And it was nothing but another bet?
I can’t believe it. Really I can’t.
But then I endure five more minutes of listening to the conversation. The things these guys have done to score points is deplorable. Breaking windows on cars, stealing exams from professors, banging Gammas (as many as possible), and then there’s me. The top of the list. Bagging the unicorn, which is code for fucking the virginal Tri-Kapp with absolute proof. Technically I’m not a Tri-Kapp anymore, but they talk about how he still gets the points because I dropped out of the sorority because of him.
I’m sickened by what I hear, but I’m more sickened by my gullibility. Because what this all means is that Hunter lied to me. It was never enough for him to simply tell people we slept together, as he led me to believe, and I agreed to. He really, actually, genuinely needed to do the deed.
That’s what this was all about—him asking us to team up and help each other. He only wanted to use the time to convince me to really sleep with him.
Now everything makes sense. The looks, the flirting, the playing nice. He did it all to fool me into believing he actually cared.
All for this. To win a contest.
I want to hurt Hunter for this cruelty and yet, I only have myself to blame. I am the goddamned ignorant child who trusted him.
I turn around and look for the master suite. I think it’s down the other hallway. I press my ear to the door and hear deep snoring. It has to be Henry.
I open the door and whisper Elle’s name.
After a few moments I hear her. “Tass? Everything okay?”
“No. Can you take me home—I mean, back to campus.”
There’s a rustle of blankets, and then she’s there, stepping out into the hallway. “What happened?” she whispers.
“I-I can’t talk about it.” I look down at my feet.
She grabs my arm. “Did he hurt you?”
“What? No. I mean…yes. But not like that.”
“Then how?” She scowls.
“It was all a joke, Elle. He only wanted me here for that scavenger hunt.”
“No.”
“I just heard everyone talking about it.” My hands tremble with rage just from saying it.
“But wasn’t that part of your deal with him—telling everyone you slept together?”
I shake my head. “He only said that to get me to trust him. He had to really sleep with me and provide proof to get the points.”
She covers her mouth. “Oh God. Are you sure?”
I nod.
“I’m so sorry. Okay. Get your stuff. I’ll be out to the car in three minutes.” I hear her grumble something about never forgiving Henry. Obviously, he knew. Perhaps inviting Elle here was only to make me feel more comfortable. I don’t know, but I can’t put anything past them. I’m thoroughly disgusted. I’m hurt. I’m never going to forget this moment.
Elle and I quietly slip out of the house, and an hour later we’re at the dorms. She says she’ll sleep here and leave early for her parents’ house.
By three a.m. her phone is ringing off the hook. It’s Henry asking why she left. “Because you’re a disgusting pig. That’s why!”
By five a.m. my phone is ringing, too. It’s Hunter. I don’t answer. I just block. I don’t want to hear any more lies. I don’t want to hear any more bullshit.
He’s won. I’m just some stupid geek who thought she was smarter than the rest and took a leap of faith for once in her life.
A mistake I’ll never make again.
The rest of Sunday morning, I don’t leave my bed. My body is sore and a reminder of last night with Hunter—a memory I don’t want to have. By noon, my mind starts wreaking havoc on me with all sorts of questions—what am I going to do when I see him again? Because I don’t want to. Not ever. And while I may be able to avoid him on campus, our parents live next door. There are holidays and summer breaks when we both go home. And, finally, there’s my stupidity of bailing out on the Tri-Kapps. Or maybe that wasn’t so stupid. Either way, they were right to judge Hunter. Lainey knew all along the sort of low, horrible cruelty these guys are capable of.
Around one o’clock, Elle has already gone to her parents, and I decide I’ve got to get out of my room for a few hours. I’ve got to clear my head because I can’t permit Hunter or this situation to take more from me than it already has. Last night proved how vulnerable I am, that not facing my feelings has left me weak in some ways.
I go for a drive in my silver Prius, a used one my parents bought me last year. I’ve already concluded that part of the problem is how I’ve neglected such a big part of myself—the part of me that wants to be intimate. Science tells us how this is a biological need, and I’ve been starving myself to a point of stupid desperation.
Yes, that’s the solution. I’m going to start dating. Nice, normal, smart guys.
I pull up to my spot in the student garage and let out a big sigh. I feel so heavy inside. I feel so ashamed of myself for letting Hunter fool me.
I slide out my phone and call Rachel, my best friend from back home who’s now studying at Harvard. I need to hear her voice.
She answers, and I start to sob.
“Tass? Ohmygod, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing.” I sniffle. “I just really miss you.”
“Oh, sweetie… What happened? Just tell me,” she says.
“I can’t.”
“Why not? You know I love you. Do I need to come there? I’ll come there. I’m sure there’s a flight or something—”
“I slept with Hunter,” I blurt out.
“Oh.” She sounds shocked.
“He lied to me and got me to trust him and it was all just some game for his fraternity.” My voice sounds all shaky.
“Oh, God. Really?”
“Yeah.” I don’t want to get into the whole story about him and me agreeing to help each other out by telling a few white lies and pretending to be together. It doesn’t really matter in the end. “He played me.”
“Oh no. I’m so sorry, Tassie. But you two—you just couldn’t ever let it go. I never understood it. The rivalry, the relentless picking on each other.”
“He picked on me.”
“You egged him on. But still, this is low, Tassie. Really low. Even for Hunter. I had no idea you two were even talking.”
“Yeah, well, it’s a long story.”
“Whatever it is, it’s time you let this thing with him go, Tassie. Just walk away. Move on. For your own sanity.”
I know she’s right. I can’t undo last night. I can’t. And I don’t have it in me to hate anymore. It’s too exhausting. “That’s what I’m planning to do.”
“Good. And when you see him again, you just lift your chin. Show him that he can’t break you. He’s just a dumb jock who won’t amount to anything.”
There was never any love between Rach and Hunter or his posse back in high school. She’d been the recipient of far too many sandwich bombs during lunch.
“Thanks, Rach.” I don’t feel better, but I do feel clearheaded.
“I can look at flights for next weekend if you w
ant? My mom has miles saved up for me.”
“No, I’m okay. I just needed to hear your voice. That’s all.”
“I’m here anytime—just call. And please do call. I’m so sick of studying. I think I’m going to go crazy.”
“I will.” I nod even though she can’t see me.
“See you at Thanksgiving, then?”
“Yes, we’ll do our girls’ day,” I mumble.
“Yeah! I love those.” She goes quiet for a moment. “Tass?”
“Yes?”
“How was it?” she asks.
“What?”
“Sleeping with him.”
I shrug and stare out the window of my car. It’s a beautiful sunny day, but everything feels gloomy, like I have rain clouds inside me.
“It was painful,” is all I can say, but I mean it in the emotional sense. “Why?”
“I met someone. I’m thinking it’s time.”
“Oh.” I’m happy for her. She’s never met anyone she’s seriously liked. “Is he in a fraternity?”
“No.”
“Then I have no advice to offer other than have a nice time and bring condoms. Lots of condoms.”
“Noted.” She draws a long breath. “So was there anything good about it all?”
Now that I know why she’s asking, I don’t want to discourage her from being with someone she has special feelings for, so I set aside my own personal train wreck of emotions. Still, I refuse to say how incredible the sex had been with Hunter or how we moved together so perfectly.
“I don’t know…” I sigh. “I guess there were a few moments where it wasn’t completely horrible. He took his time making me feel comfortable.” My heart cramps with the thought of how he’d made everything perfect for me. Even after, when we were lying there, the conversation we had felt so intimate. He talked about this feeling he had after he almost killed that guy. Life had given him a second chance not to be that person who walked around angry all the time. He said that while it didn’t help him figure out who he was, it helped him figure out who he wasn’t. I remembered how anytime he looked at me after that summer, I could see it in his eyes—something going on in there. I told him I was sorry he went through all that for me and that I never said thank you.
“Why do you think you didn’t remember?” he’d asked.
I can only guess that my severe aversion to violence made me block it out. I doubt I’ll ever really know for sure why I forgot.
“I’m not sure,” I’d said, “but I remember now. So…thank you.”
He’d held me for a while after that, and for a brief few moments, I felt like he loved me. I could see us being happy and good for each other. Yeah, I think that was my favorite part. Feeling completely content and loved for a few short moments before the balloon popped.
I clear my throat, realizing Rach is still there on the other end of the phone. “Just…don’t mistake sex for love, Rach. Even if it feels like it, it’s not.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
When I get back to my room, there’s a note on the floor inside the room.
Hunter. He must’ve slid it under the door.
I stare at the thing, thinking long and hard about what Rach said. This thing—whatever it is between Hunter and I—it’s gone on long enough. It’s caused me too much pain. And I know whatever the note says, it will only pull me in again. Perhaps it says he’s sorry. Perhaps it’s a note gloating over his victory. I don’t know. But either way, the note contains words I don’t want to hear or read. He thinks it’s okay to belong to a group that condones this sort of behavior. Well, it’s not. He thinks my body is a game piece he can just move around in order to win. Well, it’s not.
I stare at the folded paper in my hand for a long time and am about to tear it into tiny pieces, but stop.
“Fucker.” I open the thing and read the first two lines.
Tass,
I know why you are upset and angry. Henry spoke to Elle. I’m not going to lie to you and deny the truth. Last night, sleeping with you, it was all part of the bet. But I—
“Asshole!” I tear up the paper and throw the pieces out the window. Whatever else he has to say in this letter is irrelevant. There is no “but.” There is no excuse or amount of sorrys—if he’s even sorry. There are no words that could possibly make this better.
As I watch the pieces flutter down the side of the building, spreading with the wind, it almost feels cleansing, like I’m letting him go. It’s the only way for me to keep breathing.
For the rest of the week, I steer clear of my room and go to the cafeteria at times I know Hunter will be in class or at practice. When I’m not in class, I stick to places I’m unlikely to run into him: the lab, my study group, or at the library on the top floor near the back where it’s quiet and I can’t be seen. When I’m in my room, I don’t answer the door. Someone has come by a few times late at night, knocking. It’s either Henry or Hunter. Neither are welcome.
Elle mentions several times that Henry has texted and wants to see her, but she ignores him and then finally blocks his number. I don’t know if she’s doing it for herself or in support of me, but either way, I’m grateful not to see any Alphas in my room. They only see me as the nerdy girl Hunter fucked for points. It didn’t seem to matter when it was a lie and I wasn’t emotionally vested in him, but then it all got real. It all mattered.
On Friday, while I’m in line at the cafeteria, I hear a few guys talking about the big game with Indiana on Saturday. I couldn’t be more relieved. The football team will be on the road and that means Hunter won’t be around this weekend at all. I know I can’t avoid seeing him forever, but I need time to heal and gather my strength. Then, when the time comes, I’ll be able to smile and let him know that he may have won, but he hasn’t broken me.
The following week, I’m finally feeling a little less fragile. I think I’m almost ready to start taking big steps in my life to address some issues, mainly my reluctance to date anyone. I know part of the problem is that I never felt sexy or dateable. I just felt awkward, like a nerdy little girl in a grown-up body.
But I’m going to change all that. There are plenty of nice, smart guys in my classes. One in particular, Jared, is in my chemistry study group. He smiles a lot and has nice eyes. I think I’ll ask him out. I’ve got to start somewhere.
Two weeks go by, and it’s starting to feel like a bad dream that never happened. All of it.
But then, as I’m walking across the common, heading to class, I see him. It’s the middle of the afternoon and those blue, blue eyes are unmistakable. He stops walking and so do I. We just stand there twenty yards apart, facing each other as people pass us. My heart explodes with adrenaline, and I’m fueled with the urge to punch him right in the nuts.
No, Tassie. Don’t do it. Don’t get sucked in again. I draw a breath and hunker down. I know I have to let go and move on.
I square my shoulders, lift my chin, and walk toward him. He decides to approach me, too.
“Hey,” he says calmly, but with an edge to his voice. Maybe he expects me to yell at him. I won’t. “How have you been?”
I shrug and put on a friendly smile. “Good. Just busy with school.”
He stares for a moment. “Why haven’t you returned any of my calls?”
I’m not sure what he expected from me. “Like I said, I’ve been really busy. But it’s nice seeing you.” I step around him to head on my merry way.
“Hey.” He grabs my hand. “We need to talk.”
I frown and pull it away. “What would be the point? You got what you wanted.” I allow my eyes to wash over him, like he’s my favorite piece of meat. “And I sure as hell got what I wanted.” I wink. “Let’s call it even.”
The confusion is visible on his face—brows knitted together, pulsing jaw muscles.
“Oh, Hunter, what did you think was going to happen? That we’d date or something?” I laugh. “That’s funny.”
I watch his confusion turn to anger, and now
that I taste blood, I want to finish him off. I’m winning. I’m making him feel small, like shit, and it feels good.
I’m about to tell him that a smart girl like me would never date a dumb jock like him, but as I open my mouth, I quickly pull myself back. I don’t want to fall back into old painful patterns. I really just want to move on.
“Hunter, we’re adults now. You have your life. I have mine. It’s time to put the past behind us.” I reach out to touch his arm. “Good luck with everything. I mean that.” I step around him and continue on my way. My chin is high, but for once it’s not because I made him feel worthless, but because I didn’t. I’ve finally grown up a little. I’m finally learning.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Two Months Later
“You sure you don’t want to spend a few days at my house?” I ask Elle as we finish loading up our suitcases with what’s essentially dirty laundry to take home for Thanksgiving week. We both live about two hours away, but she’s in the opposite direction. Things with her mother remain unchanged, and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I try not to push her and instead focus on being there as a distraction. Over the past few weeks, we’ve gone to a few gatherings (low-key, non-Greek parties with classmates), the movies, and we started jogging a few times a week. I kind of like it. I’ve even gone on a few dinner dates with that guy Jared. We talked and had a nice time. That was about it.
“I’m sure,” she says. “We have a lot of family coming from out of state, so it won’t be as difficult as usual.”
My heart just cries out for her. “Okay, well, if you feel like you need a break and want to spend a couple of days with me, you’re welcome. Our family is local, so we’ll have plenty of room in the house. No other visitors aside from my brother.”
“Are you going to see your neighbor?”
My stomach twists into a tight ball. I know I’ll likely bump into Hunter, and I’m not looking forward to it.
I throw a pair of dirty socks into my suitcase. “I’ll ignore him. Just like old times.”