He shrugged. “I tried, but old Henry Ford came up with the Model A and beat me to it. What can you do? The early bird gets the worm.”
“Yes, but if it makes you feel any better, I think they are going to have to go right back to your idea anyway.” She suddenly thought of something. “Hey, did you know they made a lot of movies about you?”
“Oh, yes?”
“Yes, good ones too. I saw two of them at the Elmwood Theater, Mickey Rooney was in one, then Spencer Tracy played you as a grown man. I liked both of them, really.”
“So, Elner,” asked Tom, “how do you like it here? Are you enjoying yourself so far?”
“Oh, am I! Even more, now that I know I’m not in any trouble. I was just getting ready to tell Raymond, this is the grandest place I’ve ever been, it’s even better than I thought it would be.”
Tom said, “And isn’t it great to get your hearing back?”
“Yes, it is, and not only that, I’m getting some homemade caramel cake in a little while.”
“Well,” said Tom, getting up, “I’d better run on, let you finish your talk with Raymond, but I look forward to visiting with you again sometime soon, I hope.”
“Anytime. I’d be glad to see you.”
As soon as he left, Elner turned to Raymond still somewhat in awe. “Imagine, me getting to visit with Thomas Edison, and I just can’t get over how sweet and humble he is. Why, if I was as smart as him, I’m afraid it would go to my head, and you, Raymond, look at you. With what all you have accomplished, and you seem just like a regular person…and my hat’s off to you because I’ll tell you, if I had created everything there was to create…why…there would be no living with me.”
Raymond laughed. “Elner, you are a riot.”
She laughed. “Am I? Well, it’s true, though, and Dorothy is just as down to earth as she can be—oh, here’s a question I always wondered about. What’s it like being God? Is it any fun? Or is it all work and no play?”
He took a long draw off his pipe. “Well…it’s just like being anything else, I suppose, a lot of fun, but also a lot of responsibility, a lot of heartbreak.”
“I can see how it would be, considering the way the world is going.”
“Yes, having to sit up here watching them make the same old mistakes generation after generation.”
“What would you say was the biggest mistake?”
“Without a doubt, it’s that revenge thing, you know…you hit me, so I hit you back. I swear, it’s almost like the whole world is stuck in the second grade. I’ll be so glad when they finally get out of this phase and move on.”
“I see your point, and how long will that be?”
“Not too much longer,” he said, emptying the last of the tobacco into the ashtray and putting it back into the drawer. “You know how sometimes it takes a long time for an idea to finally catch on?”
“Like the Hula Hoop?”
He chuckled. “Well, yes, but I was thinking more like, let’s say, the Internet. You know how once that caught on, the idea suddenly spread around the world like wildfire?”
“Oh, yes, everybody seems to be online now.”
“Yes, that’s a perfect example of an idea whose time has come, and just like the Internet, living in peace with one another is also an idea whose time has come.”
“Really?”
“You bet! More and more people are beginning to understand, it’s not just a religious thing, it’s just common plain sense, particularly right now, when they have the means to blow themselves up. They don’t have too much of a choice.”
“No, they don’t.”
“And that’s what the majority of people want now anyway. I see the big picture and I can tell you, there are many more good people on earth than you know, you just seldom hear about them.”
“No, you don’t, not on television anyway.”
“And don’t forget, Elner, I can also see way down the line to the next generations coming in; and I know what’s about to happen.” He looked up at the wall of new babies and suddenly seemed as excited as a young boy. “And guess what else?”
“What?”
“When it happens, there won’t be a bit of difference between earth and here. People won’t have to wait to get to heaven to be happy. Isn’t that fantastic?”
At that moment Dorothy came back into the room, wiping her hands on her apron, and said cheerfully, “Well, I’m stealing her away, we are going to have our cake now. Do you want to join us?”
Raymond said, “No, you two go on and enjoy yourselves. I’m sure you have a lot more girl talk to catch up with. See you later.”
Elner stood up to leave, and as she headed out the door, she turned and said, “Oh, I forgot to ask one thing. What about prayer…does that work?”
“Of course!” he said. “We want you to have anything you want, and if what you are praying for is not bad for you in the long run, we do our best.”
Elner nodded. “You can’t ask for more than that,” she said. “Well, so long, Raymond. I enjoyed our little chat.”
“Me too,” he called back.
Mrs. Franks, an Old Friend
12:01 PM
Mrs. Louise Franks had been a neighbor of Elner’s when Elner had still lived out on the farm, and they had spent a lot of time visiting back and forth with each other over the years, cooking recipes they had heard on the Neighbor Dorothy radio show. After Elner’s husband, Will Shimfissle, had died, and before Elner moved to town, they had seen each other almost every day. Louise still ran a ten-acre farm and today had had a busy morning tending to all the usual chores. It was around noontime when she ran into the small convenience store at the gas station to pick up a pack of marshmallows for her daughter, Polly, who was allowed one bag of marshmallows a week. And while she was there, she’d grabbed a six-pack of caffeine-free Diet Coke and a bottle of Windex as well. As the clerk scanned the Diet Cokes, he said, “Were you listening to Bud and Jay this morning, Mrs. Franks?”
“No, I missed it today. Why?”
“They said that Mrs. Shimfissle died.”
Mrs. Franks was stunned, she had just talked to Elner on the phone yesterday about the Easter egg hunt.
“What?”
“Yeah, Bud said she died this morning in the hospital in Kansas City. Didn’t you know her pretty well?”
Mrs. Franks suddenly felt herself getting dizzy and sweaty.
“Yes, I did.”
The clerk saw the stricken look on her face and said, “I’m sorry, I figured you might have heard by now.”
“No. I hadn’t heard.” Then Mrs. Franks turned around and walked out the door.
The clerk called after her, “Hey…you left your things here.
“Well, I guess she didn’t want them,” he mumbled to himself.
Mrs. Franks drove out of the parking lot in a daze and about a block later pulled over and parked.
She sat there thinking about what the clerk had asked so matter-of-factly. “Didn’t you know her pretty well?”
Pretty well? Even the words “She was the best friend I ever had” would have been inadequate. No one would, or could, ever know what Elner had done for Mrs. Franks and her daughter. Then her thoughts and concerns went immediately to her daughter, Polly, who was now at day care waiting for Mrs. Franks to come pick her up. How would she ever be able to explain to Polly that Mrs. Shimfissle had died? Polly loved Mrs. Shimfissle; she had been the only other person in the world whom she would spend the night with without crying and screaming for her mother. Every year, Mrs. Franks had dressed her daughter up in her new outfit and driven her to town for Elner’s big Easter egg hunt. Other than Christmas and having her picture made with Santa Claus, Easter was Polly’s favorite day of the year. She loved playing with the other children, and no matter what eggs she found in the yard, Elner always made a big fuss over it, gave her the biggest prize. One year her prize was a jeweled silver cowgirl belt with two cap guns that she still loved to play with to this da
y.
Poor Polly, even though she was now forty-two years old, she was severely retarded and had the mind of a six-year-old; she would never be able to understand why Mrs. Shimfissle would not be there anymore, or where she had gone. “I won’t tell her today,” she thought. “I’ll just give her a bag of marshmallows and let her be happy, for just a little while longer.” She was halfway home when she realized she had left her groceries on the counter and had to turn around and go back and still could hardly believe it. Elner Shimfissle dead. Elner, the bravest and purest soul she had ever known. Gone. “Where is she now?” she wondered.
As Louise drove along, she thought that if there was such a thing as heaven, then surely Elner had to be there right now.
What a Surprise, Huh?
As they walked down the hall, Dorothy said, “We could have our cake in the dining room or out on the front porch. Which would you prefer?”
Elner said, “Let’s have it on the porch.”
“Oh, good, it’s such a pretty day, I was hoping you would say that.” As Elner followed Dorothy, she suddenly heard a noise coming from the living room where Dorothy used to broadcast her show, and realized the noise was someone playing “You Are My Sunshine” on the tuba. “That sounds like Ernest Koonitz,” she said.
Dorothy said, “It is. Why don’t you go say hello to him while I get the cake. I know he’d love to see you.”
Elner walked by and poked her head into the room, and there he was, bad hairpiece and all, wearing that same black and white checked suit he always wore, with the red bow tie. “Hello, Ernest! It’s Elner Shimfissle.”
He looked up and seemed thrilled to see her. “Hello! When did you get here?” He walked over and shook her hand through the tuba.
“Just a little while ago. I got stung by wasps and fell out of a tree, so please excuse the robe. How about yourself?”
“I was on my way to the dentist’s office when I just dropped out in the parking lot with a heart attack. It was good timing too, I was just about to fork over a fortune for new dentures.”
“Ahh…well…how are you, Ernest?”
“Oh, I’m just fine now. I had been sick, but I’ve never felt better in my whole life. This is the first time I’ve been able to play in years. Isn’t this just the best place?…I’m meeting with John Philip Sousa, the great bandmaster himself, in just a few minutes, he’s agreed to come over and give me some lessons. Isn’t that great?”
“Yes, it is. I guess it’s never too late to learn, even after you’re dead.”
He looked around. “And isn’t it good to see the old house again. When they tore it down, I thought it was gone forever. I thought when I died I was going to be gone forever too, but here I am. What a surprise, huh?”
“A pleasant surprise, and weren’t those crystal stairs just beautiful?”
He looked at her blankly. “What crystal stairs?”
Elner realized he must not have come that way, and asked, “How did you get up here?”
“I came up in a brand-new Cadillac convertible with heated seats!”
“Ahh, well…”
“Have you seen everybody yet?”
“No, not yet, just Ida so far, but I think I’m still in the checking-in part. If I pass that, then I think I’ll get to go on and see everybody else, and I can’t wait to see my husband, Will, again.”
Elner heard the front door slam, and said, “Well, I better go. I just wanted to say hey…and good luck with your lesson.”
“Thanks. I’ll see you later. Have fun.”
“Oh, I will,” she said. As Elner headed on out to the front porch, she chuckled to herself. Ernest had never struck her as being a particularly enthusiastic person before, but he seemed just tickled to death to be dead. Who would have ever believed it?
A Comforting Message
About an hour later, Macky was sitting with Norma, holding her hand trying to think of things to say to help, but after a while he was more or less at a loss for words and was very happy to see Norma’s Unity minister, Susie Hill, coming down the hall. When Norma looked up and saw her she burst into tears.
“Oh, Susie, she’s gone. I’ve lost Aunt Elner.”
The two women hugged. “I came as soon as I heard.”
Norma said, “I’m so glad you’re here, but how did you know, we haven’t called anybody at home yet?”
“Irene Goodnight called me and told me.”
“She did?” said a teary-eyed Norma. “How did she find out?”
“I think somebody from the hospital called Ruby.”
“I guess I should go and try to call people and let them know.”
Susie said, “It’s already been done, everybody knows and they all send you their love. Ruby and Tot said to tell you that they were taking care of Elner’s house, and for you not to worry about a thing.”
“Oh, I forgot about the house. I’m sure it was standing wide open. She never locked her doors.” Norma choked up again. “All this time I was worried about her being robbed and murdered in her bed, I never dreamed it would be wasps!” She wailed and fell apart again.
“I know, it’s a terrible loss, Norma, and I know you are going to miss her,” said Susie, “but at least we know she’s gone to a better place.”
“Oh, Susie, do you think so?” said Norma hopefully.
“Yes, I am sure that right now she is happy and at peace.”
Macky took this time to excuse himself and phone work and let them know he would not be coming back in for a few days. Although he certainly didn’t believe it, if it helped Norma to think that Aunt Elner was in heaven, fine. Let her. He had stopped believing in any of that pie-in-the-sky stuff years ago. He had been in the army and had seen men blown up, right beside him. He had seen far too much to have much faith in anything, other than the here and now. It would be nice to think that Elner was in some sort of heaven, but unfortunately, he knew better.
Eating Cake
A little while later, when Dorothy and Elner were outside on the front porch having their coffee and cake, Elner sat looking out, amazed at the sight before her. While she had been inside talking to Ernest, the sky had turned an exquisite shade of aqua, a color Elner had never seen before in her life, and the entire front yard was filled with flocks of beautiful pink flamingos. Large blue swans with bright yellow eyes swam around in a pond that wound all around the house, while hundreds of tiny multicolored birds flew overhead. Elner said, “Don’t you just love birds?”
“I do.”
Elner said, “By the way, I was surprised to hear that Ernest came up in a Cadillac.”
“We like to make the trip as pleasant as possible. Your sister came up on the Queen Elizabeth, in a first-class cabin.”
“Of course,” said Elner, laughing. “I’ll bet Macky will come up in that motorboat he just loves to fish in.”
“Maybe so,” she said, pouring Elner more coffee. “Raymond and I say whatever you want, you get, and everybody is different, some people like sailboats, some prefer private jets. We had a couple come in last week on a Harley-Davidson motorcycle.”
“Why did I get to come up in that elevator that went every which a way?”
“We know you loved to ride the Loop de Loop at the fair.”
Elner laughed. “That’s true. I tell you, Dorothy, you and Raymond certainly go out of your way to make dying a real nice experience.”
“We try.”
“Shoot, if more people knew how pleasant it was up here, they would be dropping like flies.”
Dorothy laughed. “Well, we don’t want people to come up before they are ready, but it’s certainly nothing to be afraid of.”
“No. It certainly isn’t.”
Then Dorothy pointed over to where bright deep purple wisteria and snow white baby roses were cascading over the side fence. “Look. It’s so pretty this time of year, isn’t it?”
“It is, especially here, I feel like I’m sitting in a picture inside a magazine,” said Elner as she start
ed on her second piece of cake. After she took the first bite, she looked over and remarked, “Dorothy, I swear I haven’t had good homemade cake like this since you died. I don’t know how you get it to turn out so light and fluffy, mine are never near this good.”
“Do you still have the recipe I gave out over the radio?”
“Yes, it’s in your cookbook, and I follow it to a T, but it never turns out like yours.”
“Next time, try preheating the oven to three seventy-five, it could be your oven is not as hot as it should be, that happens sometimes.”
“I will, and thanks for the tip.” Elner looked over at her. “And by the way, I just loved meeting Raymond, he seems like a really nice person.”
“Oh, he is,” said Dorothy, pouring herself another cup of coffee. “He is the sweetest thing and he cares so much.”
“That’s the impression I got.”
“It just breaks his heart when people don’t get along.”
“I can imagine it would.”
“Raymond thinks it’s all the radicals and fanatics that cause most of the trouble. He says they take themselves far too seriously, get themselves and everybody else all worked up in a frenzy.”
“He could be right, Dorothy. Come to think of it, your average fanatic doesn’t seem to have much of a sense of humor, does he?”
“No,” she said, “not a laugh in the bunch, I’m afraid. And you can’t be happy and in a rage at the same time.”
“No, you sure can’t.”
“But I am beginning to suspect that it could be something else as well.”
Dorothy glanced over at the front door to make sure Raymond wasn’t coming out, and whispered, “I wonder if Raymond made a slight mistake with the hormone mix; gave the men a little too much testosterone? Think about it, Elner…it’s the men who start most of the wars. Not us.”
“That’s a good point,” Elner said, taking another bite of her cake.