Rachel! I don't like immigration officers. They've already sent many of my relatives back to Mexico, even my uncle Jamal and he's not Mexican, he's from Nigeria!
(FAGNER stares at RICO, confused.)
FAGNER — I thought you were a hundred percent Mexican!
RICO — I am! My uncle Jamal is my aunt's husband.
FAGNER — I thought you Mexicans didn't like Black people.
RICO — We don't. Many of my relatives partied until dawn when uncle Jamal left America. But I liked him. He always lets me win at Monopoly.
FAGNER — (pretending be excited) Great.
RICO — That's why you should forget Rachel and date Conchita. She really likes you, cabrón!
FAGNER — She's big, Rico!
RICO — True! She has big tits and a big ass!
FAGNER — She weighs more than three hundred pounds!
RICO — (excited) Yeah! So much the better! She's hot, cabrón.
FAGNER — I've noticed. She's always sweating like a pig.
RICO — Man, she told me that you've already hung out.
FAGNER — Yeah, but It didn't work out! She's too heavy to "hang".
(FAGNER laughs at his own joke.)
FAGNER (CONT'D) — You know what? You're the one who should date Conchita.
RICO — She's my cousin!
FAGNER — So what?
RICO — I can't fuck my own cousin!
FAGNER — Bullshit! I've already fucked many of my cousins! I've even fucked my own aunt!
RICO — You are gross, man!
FAGNER — What's the big deal? I lost my virginity and still got an ice cone.
RICO — You're not too picky. You fuck everyone! So why don't you date Conchita?
FAGNER — True. But fucking and dating are two different things. And if you really, really, REALLY wanna know... I have already done Conchita too!
RICO — You have! I thought she was a virgin! All my family thinks she's still a virgin!
FAGNER — Nope. She is a fucking fat whore.
RICO — A little more respect! She's my cousin!
FAGNER — Yeah, she's your cousin... and a whore.
RICO — You have no respect, you know?
FAGNER — Conchita has no respect. And she farts while fucking. I don't want Conchita. I want, I need, I like Rachel! She's my life! She's my sun! She's my visa! She's my American citizenship!
RICO — Forget her, man! Do what I'm saying. And never, ever, give her boyfriend free bubble gum again!
(Now, OMAN comes back from the restroom.)
OMAN — What? Free? To Whom? (to Fagner) Who do you think I am? Fucking Mother Tereza?
FAGNER — It was a present for Rachel.
OMAN — Rachel? That blonde bitch who always pretends not to understand my accent so as not to pay me?
FAGNER — I can pay you. Or even better, you can discount from my salary.
OMAN — Your salary?
FAGNER — Yes! I've already been working here for over six months and you never paid me, I assume you are keeping my money to pay all at once.
OMAN — (outraged) Six thousand dollars!
FAGNER — Six thousand? I thought it was more... But, still... It's money. My money!
OMAN — You owe me SIX THOUSAND dollars, moron!
FAGNER — What? Sorry! I work and work and work! That's all I do and I never get paid.
OMAN — What about the rent of the room you live in? The food you eat? The uniform you wear? The water and energy you spend? The English classes that I gave you? The fake passport and I.D. that I bought you? How much do you think all these things cost me? You forget all that! It's much more than you can earn in six months! Do the math! Fuck! Damn Indian food, I have to go to the bathroom again! (to Rico) And you don't waste his time! You don't work BUT HE DOES!
RICO — I work for my brother.
OMAN — I see. You help him do nothing, right?
(OMAN walks away. ENRICO approaches FAGNER.)
RICO — What did I tell you, man? This fucking Palestinian/
FAGNER — /He's Iranian.
RICO — Whatever, he only wants to fuck your hole.
FAGNER — He would prefer me to suck his dick, just as my father would.
RICO — Anyway! This fucking Arab can be color blind, but you're completely blind if you can't see that he's fucking with you! You have to do something, cabron! I can help you out of this mess! If you let me.
(The stage goes dark and a spotlight shines on FAGNER. Then, Blackout.)
(END OF SCENE)
Back to top
SCENE THREE
It's late night, around ten P.M. Fagner is onstage at the cash register. Opposite him is a Old Korean Lady [played by the same actress that plays Rachel] wearing a big hat, sunglasses and a rain coat. Enrico is at the corner of the store, watching the scene. Fagner has just tried to swipe the Old Korean Lady's debit card in the machine.
FAGNER — Sorry, it's not working. Can you put your PIN number again?
(FAGNER extends the machine to the OLD KOREAN LADY that seems very confused.)
OLD KOREAN LADY — (strong Korean accent) Again? I just did it.
FAGNER — (very nice) I know. I'm so sorry it didn't work the first time. Maybe there's a connection problem, it happens all the time.
OLD KOREAN LADY — (suspicious, bad English) Machine not work? Not put my PIN number again. I pay cash.
FAGNER — (happy) Oh, you have cash! So much the better.
(THE OLD KOREAN LADY picks up her wallet from her purse, grabs the cash and gives to FAGNER.)
FAGNER (CONT'D) — Thank you. Here is your change. And sorry for the inconvenience.
(FAGNER gives the change to her. THE OLD KOREAN LADY nods.)
OLD KOREAN LADY — (strong Korean accent) Thank you, thank you. Have a good day.
(THE OLD KOREAN LADY leaves some coins on the counter.)
FAGNER — Before you leave, we are raising funds to help homeless people. Could you/
OLD KOREAN LADY — I don't care. I don't live here. Don't waste my time.
(THE OLD KOREAN LADY leaves the stage. ENRICO approaches FAGNER.)
RICO — Man, I'm impressed by how nice you are to the old ladies. You have a natural gift!
FAGNER — I can't help it.
(FAGNER smiles while he puts the old Korean lady's money in his pocket and the debit card receipt in the register machine.)
RICO — So you had already charged her debit card, right?
FAGNER — I couldn't help it.
RICO — And you took her money, anyway.
(FAGNER shows ENRICO the money he took from the old Korean Lady.)
FAGNER — Don't insult me. This is my tip!
(FAGNER puts the money back in his pocket.)
RICO — Aren't you afraid that sooner or later she'll find out that her debit card was charged?
FAGNER — I don't care! She 'don't' live here! She lives in Korea! She won't find out until she gets back home.
RICO — Man, you have changed.
(FAGNER shows RICO the change on the counter before he grabs it.)
FAGNER — I sure have!
(FAGNER and ENRICO laugh. The telephone rings. FAGNER answers the phone.)
FAGNER (CONT'D) — (on the phone) Down By The Nile River Deli! ... Yeah, it's him... Oh, I see... Yes, I have it... It's fifteen hundred dollars... No, you're wrong, it's not so expensive. It's the best price you can get on the black market. I guarantee... Yes... Let me see... Hold on...
(FAGNER grabs a box from behind the counter and pulls several Brazilian passports out of the box. FAGNER opens the passports one by one.)
FAGNER (CONT'D) — (back on the phone) Yes, I have exactly what you want... You just have to give me your name, birth date, the color of your skin and that's it... Ok... No, we don't accept credit card, cash only. Please, don't insist...
(FAGNER takes a notepad from his pocket and begins to write down.)
 
; FAGNER (CONT'D) — Ok... Yes... Right... Yeah... Yup... Your new passport will be ready by next Tuesday... All you need to do is to come here and ask for Little Fag... Yeah, Little Fag, any problem?... And say you know my aunt Tereza. Te-re-za from Brazil... Yes... Ok... Thank you.
(FAGNER hangs up the phone.)
RICO — Wow! Fifteen hundred dollars for a Brazilian passport?
FAGNER — The best price on the black market.
(FAGNER shows the passports and then puts them back into the box.)
RICO — Are they all fake?
FAGNER — Fake? Are you kidding me? They are all authentic!
RICO — Did you steal all of them?
FAGNER — I'm not a thief! I haven't stolen these passports! Those fucking stupid Brazilians come here, put their passports on the counter to open their wallets and leave them behind after paying their bills.
RICO — And how about that "thing"?
FAGNER — Rico, you really should slow down.
RICO — I can't slow down if I don't have "that thing" that drives me slow.
FAGNER — Have you already smoked all the stuff I gave you last time?
RICO — You didn't give it to me! I bought it!
FAGNER — But you haven't paid me yet.
RICO — I will! Don't you know who you're dealing with?
FAGNER — Yes, I do! That's the problem..
RICO — I'm your best friend, cabron! I'm your best customer!
FAGNER — No. You're not a customer. You're just a lousy friend. My best customer pays me.
RICO — I'm not asking for much. Just gimme some, man.
FAGNER — Ask your brother! Isn't he the big fucking shot drug dealer, who has connections with the Mexican drug cartel and has many big tatoos?
RICO — Yeah! He looks like a freaky walking comic book.
FAGNER — So what?
RICO — He wouldn't give me any of his pot either.
FAGNER — And why is that?
RICO — He has a code.
FAGNER — As in a safe code?
RICO — No. He sells it but he 'don't' use it. And he 'don't' sell it to family or minors.
FAGNER — (sarcastic) What is he? A priest?
RICO — He is more of a