3--She Goes Out to Battle against Depression
A few days later, before the month of August has expired, Eustacia andYeobright sat together at their early dinner.
Eustacia's manner had become of late almost apathetic. There was aforlorn look about her beautiful eyes which, whether she deserved it ornot, would have excited pity in the breast of anyone who had known herduring the full flush of her love for Clym. The feelings of husband andwife varied, in some measure, inversely with their positions. Clym, theafflicted man, was cheerful; and he even tried to comfort her, who hadnever felt a moment of physical suffering in her whole life.
Come, brighten up, dearest; we shall be all right again. Some dayperhaps I shall see as well as ever. And I solemnly promise that I'llleave off cutting furze as soon as I have the power to do anythingbetter. You cannot seriously wish me to stay idling at home all day?
But it is so dreadful--a furze-cutter! and you a man who have livedabout the world, and speak French, and German, and who are fit for whatis so much better than this.
I suppose when you first saw me and heard about me I was wrapped in asort of golden halo to your eyes--a man who knew glorious things,and had mixed in brilliant scenes--in short, an adorable, delightful,distracting hero?
Yes, she said, sobbing.
And now I am a poor fellow in brown leather.
Don't taunt me. But enough of this. I will not be depressed any more.I am going from home this afternoon, unless you greatly object. There isto be a village picnic--a gipsying, they call it--at East Egdon, and Ishall go.
To dance?
Why not? You can sing.
Well, well, as you will. Must I come to fetch you?
If you return soon enough from your work. But do not inconvenienceyourself about it. I know the way home, and the heath has no terror forme.
And can you cling to gaiety so eagerly as to walk all the way to avillage festival in search of it?
Now, you don't like my going alone! Clym, you are not jealous?
No. But I would come with you if it could give you any pleasure;though, as things stand, perhaps you have too much of me already. Still,I somehow wish that you did not want to go. Yes, perhaps I am jealous;and who could be jealous with more reason than I, a half-blind man, oversuch a woman as you?
Don't think like it. Let me go, and don't take all my spirits away!
I would rather lose all my own, my sweet wife. Go and do whatever youlike. Who can forbid your indulgence in any whim? You have all my heartyet, I believe; and because you bear with me, who am in truth a dragupon you, I owe you thanks. Yes, go alone and shine. As for me, I willstick to my doom. At that kind of meeting people would shun me. My hookand gloves are like the St. Lazarus rattle of the leper, warning theworld to get out of the way of a sight that would sadden them. Hekissed her, put on his leggings, and went out.
When he was gone she rested her head upon her hands and said to herself,Two wasted lives--his and mine. And I am come to this! Will it drive meout of my mind?
She cast about for any possible course which offered the leastimprovement on the existing state of things, and could find none. Sheimagined how all those Budmouth ones who should learn what had becomeof her would say, Look at the girl for whom nobody was good enough!To Eustacia the situation seemed such a mockery of her hopes that deathappeared the only door of relief if the satire of Heaven should go muchfurther.
Suddenly she aroused herself and exclaimed, But I'll shake it off. Yes,I WILL shake it off! No one shall know my suffering. I'll be bitterlymerry, and ironically gay, and I'll laugh in derision. And I'll begin bygoing to this dance on the green.
She ascended to her bedroom and dressed herself with scrupulous care.To an onlooker her beauty would have made her feelings almostseem reasonable. The gloomy corner into which accident as much asindiscretion had brought this woman might have led even a moderatepartisan to feel that she had cogent reasons for asking the SupremePower by what right a being of such exquisite finish had been placedin circumstances calculated to make of her charms a curse rather than ablessing.
It was five in the afternoon when she came out from the house readyfor her walk. There was material enough in the picture for twenty newconquests. The rebellious sadness that was rather too apparent when shesat indoors without a bonnet was cloaked and softened by her outdoorattire, which always had a sort of nebulousness about it, devoid ofharsh edges anywhere; so that her face looked from its environment asfrom a cloud, with no noticeable lines of demarcation between flesh andclothes. The heat of the day had scarcely declined as yet, and she wentalong the sunny hills at a leisurely pace, there being ample time forher idle expedition. Tall ferns buried her in their leafage whenever herpath lay through them, which now formed miniature forests, though notone stem of them would remain to bud the next year.
The site chosen for the village festivity was one of the lawnlike oaseswhich were occasionally, yet not often, met with on the plateaux of theheath district. The brakes of furze and fern terminated abruptly roundthe margin, and the grass was unbroken. A green cattletrack skirted thespot, without, however, emerging from the screen of fern, and this pathEustacia followed, in order to reconnoitre the group before joining it.The lusty notes of the East Egdon band had directed her unerringly, andshe now beheld the musicians themselves, sitting in a blue wagon withred wheels scrubbed as bright as new, and arched with sticks, to whichboughs and flowers were tied. In front of this was the grand centraldance of fifteen or twenty couples, flanked by minor dances of inferiorindividuals whose gyrations were not always in strict keeping with thetune.
The young men wore blue and white rosettes, and with a flush on theirfaces footed it to the girls, who, with the excitement and the exercise,blushed deeper than the pink of their numerous ribbons. Fair ones withlong curls, fair ones with short curls, fair ones with lovelocks, fairones with braids, flew round and round; and a beholder might well havewondered how such a prepossessing set of young women of like size, age,and disposition, could have been collected together where there wereonly one or two villages to choose from. In the background was one happyman dancing by himself, with closed eyes, totally oblivious of all therest. A fire was burning under a pollard thorn a few paces off, overwhich three kettles hung in a row. Hard by was a table where elderlydames prepared tea, but Eustacia looked among them in vain for thecattle-dealer's wife who had suggested that she should come, and hadpromised to obtain a courteous welcome for her.
This unexpected absence of the only local resident whom Eustacia knewconsiderably damaged her scheme for an afternoon of reckless gaiety.Joining in became a matter of difficulty, notwithstanding that, were sheto advance, cheerful dames would come forward with cups of tea and makemuch of her as a stranger of superior grace and knowledge to themselves.Having watched the company through the figures of two dances, shedecided to walk a little further, to a cottage where she might get somerefreshment, and then return homeward in the shady time of evening.
This she did, and by the time that she retraced her steps towards thescene of the gipsying, which it was necessary to repass on her way toAlderworth, the sun was going down. The air was now so still that shecould hear the band afar off, and it seemed to be playing with morespirit, if that were possible, than when she had come away. On reachingthe hill the sun had quite disappeared; but this made little differenceeither to Eustacia or to the revellers, for a round yellow moon wasrising before her, though its rays had not yet outmastered those fromthe west. The dance was going on just the same, but strangers hadarrived and formed a ring around the figure, so that Eustacia couldstand among these without a chance of being recognized.
A whole village-full of sensuous emotion, scattered abroad all the yearlong, surged here in a focus for an hour. The forty hearts of thosewaving couples were beating as they had not done since, twelve monthsbefore, they had come together in similar jollity. For the time paganismwas revived in their hearts, the pride of life was all in all, and theyadored none other than themselves.
How many of those impassioned but temporary embraces were destined tobecome perpetual was possibly the wonder of some of those who indulgedin them, as well as of Eustacia who looked on. She began to envy thosepirouetters, to hunger for the hope and happiness which the fascinationof the dance seemed to engender within them. Desperately fond ofdancing herself, one of Eustacia's expectations of Paris had been theopportunity it might afford her of indulgence in this favourite pastime.Unhappily, that expectation was now extinct within her for ever.
Whilst she abstractedly watched them spinning and fluctuating in theincreasing moonlight she suddenly heard her name whispered by a voiceover her shoulder. Turning in surprise, she beheld at her elbow onewhose presence instantly caused her to flush to the temples.
It was Wildeve. Till this moment he had not met her eye since themorning of his marriage, when she had been loitering in the church,and had startled him by lifting her veil and coming forward to sign theregister as witness. Yet why the sight of him should have instigatedthat sudden rush of blood she could not tell.
Before she could speak he whispered, Do you like dancing as much asever?
I think I do, she replied in a low voice.
Will you dance with me?
It would be a great change for me; but will it not seem strange?
What strangeness can there be in relations dancing together?
Ah--yes, relations. Perhaps none.
Still, if you don't like to be seen, pull down your veil; though thereis not much risk of being known by this light. Lots of strangers arehere.
She did as he suggested; and the act was a tacit acknowledgment that sheaccepted his offer.
Wildeve gave her his arm and took her down on the outside of the ringto the bottom of the dance, which they entered. In two minutes more theywere involved in the figure and began working their way upwards to thetop. Till they had advanced halfway thither Eustacia wished more thanonce that she had not yielded to his request; from the middle to thetop she felt that, since she had come out to seek pleasure, she was onlydoing a natural thing to obtain it. Fairly launched into the ceaselessglides and whirls which their new position as top couple opened up tothem, Eustacia's pulses began to move too quickly for long rumination ofany kind.
Through the length of five-and-twenty couples they threaded their giddyway, and a new vitality entered her form. The pale ray of evening lenta fascination to the experience. There is a certain degree and toneof light which tends to disturb the equilibrium of the senses, and topromote dangerously the tenderer moods; added to movement, it drivesthe emotions to rankness, the reason becoming sleepy and unperceiving ininverse proportion and this light fell now upon these two from the discof the moon. All the dancing girls felt the symptoms, but Eustacia mostof all. The grass under their feet became trodden away, and the hard,beaten surface of the sod, when viewed aslant towards the moonlight,shone like a polished table. The air became quite still, the flag abovethe wagon which held the musicians clung to the pole, and the playersappeared only in outline against the sky; except when the circularmouths of the trombone, ophicleide, and French horn gleamed out likehuge eyes from the shade of their figures. The pretty dresses of themaids lost their subtler day colours and showed more or less of a mistywhite. Eustacia floated round and round on Wildeve's arm, her facerapt and statuesque; her soul had passed away from and forgotten herfeatures, which were left empty and quiescent, as they always are whenfeeling goes beyond their register.
How near she was to Wildeve! it was terrible to think of. She could feelhis breathing, and he, of course, could feel hers. How badly she hadtreated him! yet, here they were treading one measure. The enchantmentof the dance surprised her. A clear line of difference divided likea tangible fence her experience within this maze of motion from herexperience without it. Her beginning to dance had been like a changeof atmosphere; outside, she had been steeped in arctic frigidity bycomparison with the tropical sensations here. She had entered the dancefrom the troubled hours of her late life as one might enter a brilliantchamber after a night walk in a wood. Wildeve by himself would have beenmerely an agitation Wildeve added to the dance, and the moonlight, andthe secrecy, began to be a delight. Whether his personality supplied thegreater part of this sweetly compounded feeling, or whether the danceand the scene weighed the more therein, was a nice point upon whichEustacia herself was entirely in a cloud.
People began to say Who are they? but no invidious inquiries weremade. Had Eustacia mingled with the other girls in their ordinarydaily walks the case would have been different: here she was notinconvenienced by excessive inspection, for all were wrought to theirbrightest grace by the occasion. Like the planet Mercury surroundedby the lustre of sunset, her permanent brilliancy passed without muchnotice in the temporary glory of the situation.
As for Wildeve, his feelings are easy to guess. Obstacles were aripening sun to his love, and he was at this moment in a delirium ofexquisite misery. To clasp as his for five minutes what was anotherman's through all the rest of the year was a kind of thing he of all mencould appreciate. He had long since begun to sigh again for Eustacia;indeed, it may be asserted that signing the marriage register withThomasin was the natural signal to his heart to return to its firstquarters, and that the extra complication of Eustacia's marriage was theone addition required to make that return compulsory.
Thus, for different reasons, what was to the rest an exhilaratingmovement was to these two a riding upon the whirlwind. The dance hadcome like an irresistible attack upon whatever sense of social orderthere was in their minds, to drive them back into old paths which werenow doubly irregular. Through three dances in succession they spun theirway; and then, fatigued with the incessant motion, Eustacia turned toquit the circle in which she had already remained too long. Wildeveled her to a grassy mound a few yards distant, where she sat down, herpartner standing beside her. From the time that he addressed her at thebeginning of the dance till now they had not exchanged a word.
The dance and the walking have tired you? he said tenderly.
No; not greatly.
It is strange that we should have met here of all places, after missingeach other so long.
We have missed because we tried to miss, I suppose.
Yes. But you began that proceeding--by breaking a promise.
It is scarcely worth while to talk of that now. We have formed otherties since then--you no less than I.
I am sorry to hear that your husband is ill.
He is not ill--only incapacitated.
Yes--that is what I mean. I sincerely sympathize with you in yourtrouble. Fate has treated you cruelly.
She was silent awhile. Have you heard that he has chosen to work as afurze-cutter? she said in a low, mournful voice.
It has been mentioned to me, answered Wildeve hesitatingly. But Ihardly believed it.
It is true. What do you think of me as a furze-cutter's wife?
I think the same as ever of you, Eustacia. Nothing of that sort candegrade you--you ennoble the occupation of your husband.
I wish I could feel it.
Is there any chance of Mr. Yeobright getting better?
He thinks so. I doubt it.
I was quite surprised to hear that he had taken a cottage. I thought,in common with other people, that he would have taken you off to a homein Paris immediately after you had married him. 'What a gay, brightfuture she has before her!' I thought. He will, I suppose, return therewith you, if his sight gets strong again?
Observing that she did not reply he regarded her more closely. She wasalmost weeping. Images of a future never to be enjoyed, the revivedsense of her bitter disappointment, the picture of the neighbour'ssuspended ridicule which was raised by Wildeve's words, had been toomuch for proud Eustacia's equanimity.
Wildeve could hardly control his own too forward feelings when he sawher silent perturbation. But he affected not to notice this, and shesoon recovered her calmness.
You do not intend to walk home by yourself? he asked.
O yes, said Eustacia. What could hurt me on this heath, who havenothing?
By diverging a little I can make my way home the same as yours. Ishall be glad to keep you company as far as Throope Corner. Seeing thatEustacia sat on in hesitation he added, Perhaps you think it unwise tobe seen in the same road with me after the events of last summer?
Indeed I think no such thing, she said haughtily. I shall acceptwhose company I choose, for all that may be said by the miserableinhabitants of Egdon.
Then let us walk on--if you are ready. Our nearest way is towards thatholly bush with the dark shadow that you see down there.
Eustacia arose, and walked beside him in the direction signified,brushing her way over the damping heath and fern, and followed by thestrains of the merrymakers, who still kept up the dance. The moon hadnow waxed bright and silvery, but the heath was proof against suchillumination, and there was to be observed the striking scene of a dark,rayless tract of country under an atmosphere charged from its zenith toits extremities with whitest light. To an eye above them their twofaces would have appeared amid the expanse like two pearls on a table ofebony.
On this account the irregularities of the path were not visible, andWildeve occasionally stumbled; whilst Eustacia found it necessaryto perform some graceful feats of balancing whenever a small tuft ofheather or root of furze protruded itself through the grass of thenarrow track and entangled her feet. At these junctures in her progressa hand was invariably stretched forward to steady her, holding herfirmly until smooth ground was again reached, when the hand was againwithdrawn to a respectful distance.
They performed the journey for the most part in silence, and drew nearto Throope Corner, a few hundred yards from which a short path branchedaway to Eustacia's house. By degrees they discerned coming towards thema pair of human figures, apparently of the male sex.
When they came a little nearer Eustacia broke the silence by saying,One of those men is my husband. He promised to come to meet me.
And the other is my greatest enemy, said Wildeve.
It looks like Diggory Venn.
That is the man.
It is an awkward meeting, said she; but such is my fortune. He knowstoo much about me, unless he could know more, and so prove to himselfthat what he now knows counts for nothing. Well, let it be--you mustdeliver me up to them.
You will think twice before you direct me to do that. Here is a manwho has not forgotten an item in our meetings at Rainbarrow--he is incompany with your husband. Which of them, seeing us together here, willbelieve that our meeting and dancing at the gipsy party was by chance?
Very well, she whispered gloomily. Leave me before they come up.
Wildeve bade her a tender farewell, and plunged across the fern andfurze, Eustacia slowly walking on. In two or three minutes she met herhusband and his companion.
My journey ends here for tonight, reddleman, said Yeobright as soon ashe perceived her. I turn back with this lady. Good night.
Good night, Mr. Yeobright, said Venn. I hope to see you better soon.
The moonlight shone directly upon Venn's face as he spoke, and revealedall its lines to Eustacia. He was looking suspiciously at her. ThatVenn's keen eye had discerned what Yeobright's feeble vision had not--aman in the act of withdrawing from Eustacia's side--was within thelimits of the probable.
If Eustacia had been able to follow the reddleman she would soon havefound striking confirmation of her thought. No sooner had Clym given herhis arm and led her off the scene than the reddleman turned back fromthe beaten track towards East Egdon, whither he had been strollingmerely to accompany Clym in his walk, Diggory's van being again in theneighbourhood. Stretching out his long legs, he crossed the pathlessportion of the heath somewhat in the direction which Wildeve had taken.Only a man accustomed to nocturnal rambles could at this hour havedescended those shaggy slopes with Venn's velocity without fallingheadlong into a pit, or snapping off his leg by jamming his foot intosome rabbit burrow. But Venn went on without much inconvenience tohimself, and the course of his scamper was towards the Quiet Woman Inn.This place he reached in about half an hour, and he was well aware thatno person who had been near Throope Corner when he started could havegot down here before him.
The lonely inn was not yet closed, though scarcely an individual wasthere, the business done being chiefly with travellers who passed theinn on long journeys, and these had now gone on their way. Venn went tothe public room, called for a mug of ale, and inquired of the maid in anindifferent tone if Mr. Wildeve was at home.
Thomasin sat in an inner room and heard Venn's voice. When customerswere present she seldom showed herself, owing to her inherent dislikefor the business; but perceiving that no one else was there tonight shecame out.
He is not at home yet, Diggory, she said pleasantly. But I expectedhim sooner. He has been to East Egdon to buy a horse.
Did he wear a light wideawake?
Yes.
Then I saw him at Throope Corner, leading one home, said Venn drily.A beauty, with a white face and a mane as black as night. He will soonbe here, no doubt. Rising and looking for a moment at the pure, sweetface of Thomasin, over which a shadow of sadness had passed since thetime when he had last seen her, he ventured to add, Mr. Wildeve seemsto be often away at this time.
O yes, cried Thomasin in what was intended to be a tone of gaiety.Husbands will play the truant, you know. I wish you could tell me ofsome secret plan that would help me to keep him home at my will in theevenings.
I will consider if I know of one, replied Venn in that same lighttone which meant no lightness. And then he bowed in a manner of his owninvention and moved to go. Thomasin offered him her hand; and without asigh, though with food for many, the reddleman went out.
When Wildeve returned, a quarter of an hour later Thomasin said simply,and in the abashed manner usual with her now, Where is the horse,Damon?
O, I have not bought it, after all. The man asks too much.
But somebody saw you at Throope Corner leading it home--a beauty, witha white face and a mane as black as night.
Ah! said Wildeve, fixing his eyes upon her; who told you that?
Venn the reddleman.
The expression of Wildeve's face became curiously condensed. That isa mistake--it must have been someone else, he said slowly and testily,for he perceived that Venn's countermoves had begun again.