Ashley held tighter to the hands of her sisters, and she felt all of them stiffen as they anticipated what was coming. With so many deeply critical injuries, with so much injury to the brains of the people they loved, the news was bound to get worse. Ashley wished she could run from the room and live forever in a place where the doctor’s words would never be said. Where the accident had never happened. But all she could do was lean hard into the comfort of Jesus and her sisters and hear the news like the rest of them.
The doctor looked around the room. “I’m Doctor Chris Hazel. I’ve been overseeing the care of your family since they were transferred to my unit.” He pursed his lips, but he didn’t look down. Didn’t break eye contact. “We’ve lost Clarissa. She has no brain activity whatsoever.”
Ashley felt like someone had lifted her up and slammed her against the wall. Clarissa? The talkative sweet blue-eyed, blonde teenager with all her life ahead of her? How could she be dead? Erin would be devastated by this, changed forever. Two of her girls were gone? It was a blow greater than any Ashley could imagine. She released the hands of her sisters and linked arms with them instead. With this sort of darkness, she needed to know her sisters were alive beside her. Needed to feel the warmth of them and the familiarity of their voices. Kari groaned on her right. “No … no, God … please … no. Clarissa … sweet girl … we love you, Clarissa.”
Brooke didn’t say anything, but her crying grew louder. Ashley clung to them, praying silently. The doctor was going on, saying something to Luke, something about him being a lawyer.
“Someone needs to assume power of attorney for the girls.” He hesitated, his face marked with painful shadows. “Indiana law allows for a relative to retain temporary guardianship and power of attorney in a situation like this, where the parents are incapacitated.” He paused. “Decisions need to be made.”
“Decisions?” Dayne’s voice was broken, but he seemed to be the one in this moment most able to speak. “Can you be more specific?”
Ashley wondered, too. What decisions were needed now if Clarissa was already gone? She tried to listen, tried to focus on the doctor’s next words, but instead she could only see Clarissa, the way she had looked at Bailey Flanigan’s wedding. She had worn a yellow spring dress, and all night she and Chloe and their little sisters had danced and laughed and sang on the dance floor. One particular snapshot surfaced and Ashley clung to it, held on to it like a life preserver in the stormiest sea. The picture she had snapped of the girls with Clarissa in the middle. All of them had made silly faces for the photo, but Clarissa hadn’t had time. Instead the camera had caught her midlaugh. Innocent and happy and certain as time that life as she knew it would continue like that for always.
That was the way she would remember Clarissa. Midlaugh.
She tried again to focus on the doctor’s words. The word organ donor snapped her from the swirl of memories back to the moment. The doctor folded his arms, his words soft but serious. “There are girls across the state Clarissa’s age waiting desperately for organs. A fourteen-year-old ballet dancer in Gary, Indiana, who needs a heart in the next two weeks or she won’t make it, a soccer player in Indianapolis who needs a lung, and a young artist across the state who needs a new kidney.”
Ashley’s tears came in torrents as she pictured the situation, the girls across Indiana who needed transplants to survive. She watched her father, watched him silently weep even as he nodded and listened to his doctor friend. Only Brooke, on Ashley’s left, wasn’t openly crying. Almost as if the idea of organ donation had breathed a surreal new hope into her.
Dayne dragged his fist discretely across one cheek, and then the other. “Since Luke is an attorney, he could sign a document giving us the ability to make these decisions? Is that what you’re saying?”
“I’d probably suggest John signing the document.” The doctor looked from Dayne to their father and then to Luke. “I bring up Luke because he can help make some of this clearer to the rest of you as the next few days play out.”
The next few days? Ashley couldn’t imagine how they would stand it. The doctor might as well have said he expected the news to only get worse. She was grateful for her sisters, for their unity and the support they provided for each other. You’re with us, God … You’re with us … please be with us.
Ashley watched her dad nod. “I’ll sign it.”
“Timing is important.” The doctor’s eyes looked damp, too. He hesitated. “If you, as a family, could make a decision on this. The sooner the better. Once the heart stops beating, organs die.” The doctor looked pained as he continued. “We’re keeping Clarissa’s heart going with a machine. Until you decide.”
Dayne clenched his jaw, struggling to continue in his momentary role as the family’s spokesman. “The others? How are they doing?”
“Sam’s worse. He has an infection.” The doctor hesitated, his tone marked with what sounded like defeat. “We’re doing everything we can. For him and Erin and Chloe.” He looked around the room. “I’ll give you a few minutes. Then … if you could let me know about Clarissa.” He paused, as if weighing whether to share this next bit of information. “Erin and Sam are organ donors. Their driver’s licenses indicate as much.” He looked at their dad. “If that helps.”
“Yes.” Dayne put his arm around their father’s shoulders. “Thank you.”
The doctor started to leave, but then he stopped and looked at their dad again. “I couldn’t be more sorry, John. Would you like me to call someone? Your pastor?”
As if God was holding him up, their dad seemed to find a new strength. He shook his head. “No, Chris. Not yet.” His eyes held the slightest flicker of hope. “We have our God … and we have each other. For now that’s enough.”
Dr. Hazel watched him for a few seconds, clearly wanting to make sure they were really well enough for him to leave. “All right then … I’ll be back in a bit.”
When he was gone, they all seemed to look to their dad. This would be the hardest conversation they’d ever had, but until now Ashley couldn’t believe the idea had even occurred to most of them. The possibility that they would have to make a decision like this in regards to their precious Clarissa.
Their dad seemed even stronger than he had seconds ago. He ignored the tears on his weathered face and breathed deep. “I don’t think there’s a question here.” He looked at Ashley and then Kari. “It’s almost impossible to imagine any of this. But if Erin and Sam are in favor of organ donation, they would want the same for their girls.”
Ashley nodded, and around the room Landon and Ryan, Luke and Dayne did the same.
“It’s what Erin would want,” Brooke’s voice was soft but strong. “It gives purpose to something absolutely senseless.” A slight anger colored her tone. Proof that the shock—though still thick throughout the room — was beginning to wear off. At least for Brooke.
“Hold on.” Kari released her hold on Ashley’s arm and stood, her legs clearly shaking. She walked a few steps away from the others, and then toward them again, like she was trying to form her thoughts into words. Finally she stopped and looked from Brooke to her dad. “If she still has a heartbeat, shouldn’t we wait? In case she’s not really … not gone yet?”
Ashley felt for her sister, for the hope that rang in the words the doctor had said. That they were keeping Clarissa’s heart beating. Ashley waited to see who would respond, and she was grateful her dad took the lead. There had been many times over the years when Brooke was at odds with the rest of them. This didn’t need to be one of those times.
Their father stood and went to Kari, taking her into his arms and hugging her for a long time. When he took a step back, he left his arm around her. “Clarissa is gone, sweetheart.” He seemed steadier than before, as if maybe his role as a doctor allowed him — like Brooke — to see the good in their very great loss. “No brain activity means a person is dead.” He soothed his hand along Kari’s arm and looked at Ashley and then the guys. “They’re using a
machine to keep her heart beating for the sake of her organs.”
“Then I say we agree to this.” Dayne sat back, resignation in his voice. “It’s the right thing.”
“Yes,” their dad nodded. “It is.”
Kari leaned against their father and turned her face into his shoulder. Her body shook, wracked by sobs. “I hate this.” Her pained muffled words seemed to echo through the room, representing what they were all feeling. “Why is God letting this happen?”
Ashley wondered which of them would try to offer up an answer to that. Whether her father would find some bit of godly wisdom or if Luke would remember a Bible verse that applied to the situation. God had not abandoned them — otherwise they wouldn’t still be upright. But when no one said anything, Ashley was grateful. Situations like this needed time and prayer and struggle before anyone could begin to answer Kari’s question.
The truth was, they might never understand why.
Their dad led Kari back to her seat and again she linked arms with Ashley. At the same time, Dr. Hazel returned to the room. He came to them and waited for a few seconds. When he spoke, again he directed his question to their father. “Has your family reached a decision?”
Their dad was still standing near the sofa where Kari had just sat down. He folded his arms and nodded slowly. “Please use her organs. We think it’s what Erin and Sam would want.”
A hint of relief added life to the doctor’s eyes. “I can’t imagine how difficult this is.” He paused, looking around the room again, his tone deeply sincere. “But it’s a beautiful decision.”
A beautiful decision? An irrational part of Ashley suddenly wanted to fight the possibility, wanted to believe like Kari that if they could keep Clarissa’s heart beating, maybe they could keep her alive until she was healed. But that was an impossibility. She was already gone, like her dad said. And so it was a beautiful decision. The hardest one ever in all of life, but somewhere across the state, at least one teenage girl and her family were about to get the greatest news ever.
The news that their daughter had been given life.
Fifteen
ERIN COULDN’T MOVE. SHE KNEW THAT MUCH. THE WORLD around her wasn’t dark and it wasn’t light, but rather it was some sort of foggy blur of whites and colors and sounds, none of which she could completely make out.
Something was happening, because she had the sense that she needed to run, needed to find Sam and the girls. No, that wasn’t it. She tried to concentrate. Something wasn’t happening … something had already happened. Something big and terrible and painful and final.
They were in traffic, stuck behind a line of cars bottlenecked around the construction on Highway 37. And they were almost at their exit, almost to Ashley’s house where they were about to have a party. Erin forced her thoughts to make sense. Why were they going to Ashley’s house? The party was a surprise … yes, that was it. And then it came to her in a rush.
Her father’s surprise seventieth birthday party, that’s where they were headed. They were stuck in traffic, held up by construction, waiting to get off the highway so they could get to Ashley’s house before their father got there. So they could be in on the surprise. But instead they’d been hit from behind by something. A train, maybe. It felt that way. And only now was anything making even a little sense.
She looked around, but the blurred images wouldn’t form real shapes. Sam! She cried out his name. At least she thought she had. Sam, where are you? Her words slurred inside her mind, crashing off one side of her brain and into the other. Was anyone hearing her? Someone … help me! Where are my girls?
An ache started in her arms and legs and moved to her heart where it grew. The hurting consumed her and became a brokenness that knew no limits, a bottomless ocean of pain and heartbreak. Clarissa … Chloe? Where are you, girls? Where are your sisters?
Tiredness washed over her. She’d used all her energy calling for her family, but no one was answering. Dear God, where are they? Where is my husband? How come I can’t see anything?
The truth took root somewhere inside her and slowly worked its way to her mind, to whatever hazy, half-awake place she was trapped in. She was injured. That had to be it, because she was alive. At least she felt alive. Still, something was wrong, because she couldn’t move. As if every cell in her body had suffered some sort of traumatic event. The pain wasn’t a usual kind, the sort that came from injury. It ran deeper than that. The pain of some very great loss. But what? Erin tried to concentrate, tried again to move, but her arms and legs wouldn’t work. What’s happening to me?
She wanted to scream, wanted someone to shake her and wake her up so she could see and so she could have answers. But she couldn’t make her mouth move now, and she couldn’t find anyone to tell, couldn’t hear voices or any sounds that made sense other than a distant whirring. Like the sound of air rushing in and out, in and out.
Erin felt panic begin somewhere in her mind and course through the rest of her body like lightning, mixing with the pain and uncertainty. Where were Sam and their girls? God … please tell me. What’s happened to them? There were no answers, no reassuring voices. Instead the images before her began to take shape. Gradually like the arrival of the sun on a summer morning, lines began to form and the haziness cleared a little, then a little more.
A field came into view. The clearer it became, the more beautiful it grew. And as the images took shape, her pain and fear and panic lessened. The field was wide and long and lush with vibrant green grass. And at the center stood a picnic table. What was this? Where was she? Erin thought about straining, forcing herself to see more clearly but she somehow knew better than to try.
Let go, Erin … let go and watch. I am with you … drawing you to Myself.
The words weren’t spoken, they simply were. As if they’d been stated at the center of her soul at the beginning of time in a place where only truth existed. Let go … she needed to let go. She felt herself relax, and as she did the images before her grew clearer. Without moving, she was closer to the picnic table and there were people sitting at it. People coming more into view even as the color of the sky took her breath.
It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, she wanted to say. But again she didn’t have the ability to speak or open her mouth. The beauty took all her energy, all her pain and fear. The faces were coming into focus. A woman and children. Lots of children … or maybe just three children. Yes, that was it. Three children surrounded the woman at the picnic table. They were looking at her, talking to her.
Who is it, Lord … where am I?
But before the question could resonate through her mind, Erin could suddenly see everything. Every last detail and in that moment she felt a sense of elation and joy greater than anything she’d ever known.
The woman was her mother. She looked young and whole and beautiful, the way she’d looked many years before she’d gotten sick. She was watching Erin, her face filled with an expression of peace and love that seemed to say everything was okay. It was all going to be okay.
Mom … I’ve missed you. Erin wasn’t sure if she spoke the words, and she didn’t understand why her mother was in this place. At the same time, she remembered the children, and she looked at them. And again the images were lifelike, no longer cloudy. There was a little girl with brown hair and Ashley’s face. Her mother had her arm around the child.
“This is your niece, Sarah. She’s with me … she’s very happy here.”
Her niece Sarah? Erin blinked a few times, and in the center of her heart the panic started to return. If her mother was here … and if Sarah was here … She didn’t want to look, didn’t want to know who the other children were, but she had no choice. She shifted her gaze and one at a time the faces of the other girls came into view. The first was her precious Heidi Jo. The girl sat on the other side of Erin’s mom, the sweetest expression on her face.
“We’re catching up.” Her mother smiled, her words as real as if she were standing next to E
rin. Wherever Erin was. “Your girls are lovely, Erin. They’re well and whole. I’m taking care of them.”
Erin nodded, unable to speak. She turned slightly one last time and the other girl’s face became clear, too. It was Clarissa, her oldest. Her long blonde hair hung over her shoulders, and she stood near Erin’s mother’s side.
The great colors and vast landscape became more and more clear, and with a force she hadn’t known in all her life, Erin was drawn to join them. This place was filled with perfect love and joy and peace. None of her loved ones were crying. She started to take a step in their direction. I want to be with them, Lord … please, let me go to them.
But at the same time panic hit her once more, with an intensity triple what it was before. What was she saying? She couldn’t go to them, no matter how wonderful the idea seemed for a moment. Because there was Candy somewhere in Texas plotting and planning to take away her daughters, and suddenly Erin felt herself push away, putting distance between herself and the glorious field, the place where her mother and daughters and niece were so happy.
She couldn’t go because Sam and Chloe and Amy Elizabeth weren’t there. The rest of her family needed her, and so she had to wait, had to fight a battle she couldn’t quite understand. If she went to them now, she couldn’t return to the other side, the place where the pain waited for her. She understood that much.
Not yet, God … I need to help my family. Please … heal me … help me, Lord.
Erin, you are My daughter … I know the plans I have for you.
The plans. Yes, that was it. God still had plans for her and Sam and Chloe and Amy Elizabeth. That’s why she couldn’t go to the wonderful field just yet. Her determination brought with it a renewed sense of aching and hurting and devastation. She needed to find a way back to them, to the rest of her family. She had to protect them from Candy Burns. No one was going to take her girls away from her, or put them in danger. No one. The memory of the exquisite place from which her mother had called to her would have to hold her over for now. It would have to soothe the pain and sustain her until she had done everything in her power to help Chloe and Amy Elizabeth. Because she would not leave her girls alone.