"Well, speak like that to your children again and I'll knee you in the groin so hard, you'll hit the dirt. Do we understand each other?"
The wariness turned to outright disbelief. "Lissa?" She gave him a dazzling smile and let go of his arm. "Of course. Who else would it be?"
He frowned and shook his head. "Yeah. Right." Turning his back on her, he snatched up the reins and began studiously examining the leather.
Tess reached down for the long, narrow basket beside her. Within it, folded in layers of pale brown homespun, Caleb wiggled and squirmed. Bright blue eyes blinked up at her. "Hi, honey," she said, lifting the basket and setting it gently in the wagon. Savannah and Katie immediately scooted close to the basket and started entertaining the baby. Tess waited patiently for Jack to help her to her seat. He didn't. She tapped her booted toe in the dirt and crossed her arms. "Jack. It's time."
He cast her an angry sideways glance. She smiled and held out her gloved hand. Grudgingly he threw the reins onto the wagon and helped her aboard.
"Thanks," she said, primly fanning her butter yellow muslin skirts out around her.
"You're welcome," he answered. "A whole hell of a lot." "It's probably best not to curse in front of the children," she said.
Jack gave her a look that would curdle milk, then snapped the reins. The horse dropped its head and slowly plodded forward.
Tess's plan was in motion. The Rafferty family's first adventure had begun.
Chapter Eleven
Tess saw the perfect spot and practically lurched off the wagon's hard seat. "There!" she yelled, pointing at the huge madrone tree up ahead.
Jack didn't even bother to look sideways at her. "I take it by your screech that you've chosen the picnic site."
Tess beamed. "Exactly right, Jack. And here I was thinking you didn't understand me."
He mumbled something in response. The words were unintelligible, but the message was clear: Leave me alone. She decided to answer the unspoken message. Just to shake him up a bit. "Sorry, Jack, I can't do that." He stiffened. "What did you say?" She turned and gave him a bright, challenging smile, which he studiously avoided. "I said, I'm sorry, but I can't leave you alone. It's not part of my plan."
The flesh at the corner of his eye flinched in a quick, angry tic. He said nothing, simply stared silently ahead.
Tess studied his profile, noticing the sudden narrowing of his eyes, the tightening of his mouth into a grim, gray line, the way his fingers curled convulsively around the
reins.
The plan was working, she realized. He was reacting. Oh, he was trying hard to be cool and calm, but the anger was there. Building, hovering just below the surface. All she had to do was bring it out and disarm it. Let him know
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that the other emotion, buried even deeper, was okay, too. She was sure it was there?it was there in everyone. Somewhere in Jack's dark, frightened soul was the desire to be happy.
All she had to do was find it.
He yanked back on the reins and brought Red to a stop. "We're here," he said through gritted teeth. He jumped down from the wagon.
Tess stared down at him.
He glared at her. His eyes narrowed even further.
"Wow," she murmured. "I wouldn't have thought that was possible."
"Go ahead, Amar?"
"Lissa." She smoothed her skirt.
His voice lowered. "Go ahead, Lissa, have all the goddamn fun in the world. But leave me the hell alone." He leaned forward, resting one gloved hand on the wagon's splintery side. "You got it?"
Tess sidled sideways along the wooden bench until she was within touching distance of Jack. Her knee brushed against his hand. She leaned down, staring at him. She was close enough to see the tiny gold flecks that lightened his green eyes. "I swear, we keep having the same conversation. No, Jack, I don't got it. And neither, apparently, do you. This is a family picnic. You are part of this family. Therefore, you will picnic."
"What the hell does that mean?"
She shot a smile at the girls, who were huddled close together in the back of the wagon with Caleb, apparently waiting to see who would win this battle before moving. "It means eating outside, enjoying the sunshine, and?" she looked back at Jack, and this time it was her eyes that narrowed "?having some fun."
He stared at her for a long time, measuring her. Then he
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let out his breath in a weary sigh and shrugged. "Do whatever the hell you want."
Yes, Jack, she thought. Get tired of fighting me. Get really, really tired of it. Let your guard down.
"Why, thank you," she said sweetly. "I will. Come on girls, let's unpack the food and spread the blanket out beneath the tree."
Tess plucked up Caleb's wicker basket and held him close to her chest. She sat at the edge of the seat, waiting patiently.
Then not so patiently.
Behind her, she could hear the sweet, high-pitched giggling of the girls as they struggled to smooth out the huge plaid blanket. Jack was up at Red's head, fiddling with some leather thingamajiggy. Tess was pretty sure it was a diversionary tactic. No doubt the leather thing was perfectly clean and adjusted correctly.
It was time to force his attention.
"Oh, Jack," she called out in her best I'm-a-southern-lady-in-distress trill, "I could use a hand."
"I'm busy," he muttered without looking up.
She cleared her throat. "The longer I sit in the wagon, the longer we'll be here."
He groaned?and Tess was fairly sure there was a curse buried in the sound. "Fine."
Tess smiled. "Fine."
He wrenched the reins around a smaller cedar tree and expertly tied a bulging knot. Then, smashing his hat lower on his forehead, he stalked across the knee-high grass to the wagon and shoved his hand up at her.
"You'll need both hands."
Eyeing her, he cautiously offered her his other hand.
Before he could say a word, Tess placed Caleb's basket in his outstretched hands. Jack glanced down at the bundle
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in his arms, then up at her. The color seeped slowly out of his cheeks; his mouth dropped open. "He's your son," she said softly. Fear darkened his eyes. Tess felt a sudden stab of empathy for this man who was trying so hard, so desperately, not to care. It was all she could do to keep from touching his face and murmuring his name. "Just ... just take him to the tree and set him down. I'll be right there." He swallowed hard. "I might drop him." "No you won't."
"Don't do this to me, Amarylis. Please ..." "Lissa," she said gently.
They stared at each other, neither speaking. Behind them, sounding at once far away and comfortingly close, the girls were giggling gaily. The carefree laughter melded with the soft sighing of the wind through the leaves.
He looked at her through eyes filled with unbearable pain and the hopelessness of a man who didn't? couldn't?believe in himself. His silent agony drove like a dagger through her heart.
Drawn irrevocably, undeniably, Tess scooted closer to the seat's edge. She leaned toward him. Closer. Closer ... Her tongue darted out, nervously wetting her lower lip. He leaned infinitesimally toward her.
Suddenly Tess realized where she was and what she was doing. She wanted to kiss him, wanted to be kissed and held and loved by him. Oh, God ...
Her heartbeat picked up speed, hammered in her chest and ears. "Jack, I..." She didn't know what to say, so her sentence trailed off, disappearing in the gentle, grass-scented breeze.
He took an unsteady step backward. "C-Can you get down by yourself?" Tess heard the husky emotion in his voice and knew
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he'd felt the same bone-jarring jolt of reaction she had. "Yes, go on."
He clutched Caleb's basket tightly to his chest and pivoted away from her, blazing a trail in the tall grass as he walked to the tree.
Tess watched him go. Gradually her heartbeat slowed down and her breathing normalized. She realize
d her hands were shaking. She'd almost done it, almost put her fear on hold and reached out for what she wanted.
Almost. But not quite.
Jack kneeled cautiously on the blanket and set the basket down. He tried to look away?really tried?but it was pointless and impossible. Against his will, he found himself drawn to the child in the basket. His son.
Caleb blinked up at him, his red-cheeked face looking impossibly small and helpless against the mounds of brown homespun.
"Hi, Caleb." The greeting sounded harsh and tired, and Jack was unable to push anything else past the lump of emotion in his throat.
He thought about touching the tiny cheek, and changed his mind. It was best not to get involved, best not to ...
Amarylis plopped to her knees beside him. "Isn't he perfect?" she said in a quiet voice.
The lump in Jack's throat swelled to watermelon size. He nodded and looked away, right at the thick brown tree trunk beside him. The bark swam embarrassingly before his moist eyes.
Christalmighty. He staggered to his feet and stumbled backward, putting a safer distance between him and his stranger-by-the-moment wife. "I'll get the food." Spinning away, he ran for the wagon.
By the time he got there, he was out of breath and his heart was pounding, and he knew it had nothing to do with
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the length of the run. It was because of the goddamn changes. They were killing him.
She was killing him. The woman he'd loved for more than half his life had finally found a way to kill him.
Feeling suddenly tired and ancient and unbearably alone, Jack turned around. Lissa and Savannah and Katie were holding hands and skipping around in a circle. Their joy-filled voices rose into the air.
"Ring-around-the-rosie, pocketful-of-posies. Ashes, ashes, we all fall down!"
They collapsed in a giggling, writhing heap of elbows and billowing skirts.
Jack felt his solitude like a fist to the heart. He leaned heavily against the wagon and dropped his head, staring at the golden-green grass. Sadness and longing and regret coiled together and crept through his chest until it hurt to breathe.
"... We all fall down!"
Reluctantly, knowing he shouldn't but unable to help himself, he lifted his chin and glanced their way.
Lissa hit the ground first, and the girls piled on top of her. They hugged one another and rolled down the hill, skirts flapping, hair flying. The happy sound of their laughter tore at his heart, slicing a piece of it away.
"Oh, God," he breathed. Christ, how he wanted, ached, to join in. To just once be a part of them. The need was like a burning pain in his chest. His hands curled into tight, shaking white fists. All of a sudden Lissa looked up at him. Jack's breath caught in his throat. She lay sprawled in the tall grass, her hair sprayed around her face like a golden waterfall, her skirts hiked up to reveal pale, shapely legs.
She pushed to a sit slowly, never taking her eyes off his
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face. Then, unbelievably, she cocked her head. "Join us," she mouthed. "Come on ..."
Jack clutched the wagon for support. He felt as if he were being slowly, inexorably, sucked over the edge of a steep, straight-edged cliff. Below lay a fall that would shatter his soul and leave him in a thousand irretrievable pieces.
He licked his lips nervously. Don't go, Jackson.
But he was already moving toward her, drawn by a need he'd felt more than half his life, a love he'd never been able to forget or deny.
It wasn't until he'd gone about fifteen feet that he realized what he was doing. He was falling, hell, he was running, right into her goddamn trap. He stumbled to a halt and forced himself to look away. He stared at the madrone tree and turned numbly toward it. "I'll sit over here."
He thought he heard her sigh.
"Okay, Jack."
He glanced quickly at her, surprised by the sad echo in her voice. "Lissa? Are you all right?"
She smiled, but somehow it, too, was a dismal shadow of itself. "I'm fine, Jack. I was just going to teach the girls to make daisy chains. Want to learn?"
He shook his head, afraid to let himself speak.
"Okay. Well, maybe you can learn by watching."
He went to the blanket and lowered himself onto its bumpy surface. Drawing his knees close to his chest, he glanced down at Caleb, who was sleeping, then looked again at his wife and the girls.
Lissa was showing them how to thread the dandelion stalks together to form a crown. Katie and Savannah looked mesmerized.
It occurred to Jack then, as he watched his wife, that he had called her Lissa. He hadn't even thought of her as Amarylis.
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Changes, he thought with a grim tightening of the mouth. More changes.
Ignore her. Just goddamn ignore her.
Jack said the words to himself over and over again, but try as he might, he couldn't make himself do it.
The sight of her mesmerized him, flung him back in time to a distant place and time. He stared at her in silent, heart-wrenching awe, willing her not to move.
She sat in the tall grass kneeling, her burr-studded skirts tucked carelessly around her body. Her hair, the color and texture of spun gold, fell around her shoulders and spilled down her arms. Bright yellow dandelions wreathed her head like the finest of crowns. She was smiling, an honest-to-God smile that took his breath away.
Beside her, the parasol she should have had perched over her head lay planted firmly in the ground, its white, lacy expanse shielding Caleb's naked body from the bright noonday sun.
The girls chattered happily back and forth, and every now and again Jack caught wisps of their conversation, but more often than not, he sat stone-still in a hazy half world of his own. A world of long ago and far away.
Everything about Amarylis was blazingly new and yet achingly familiar. He felt as if he'd stumbled back in time, to a past?their past.
She looked ... different. Younger. Almost like the caring, joy-filled girl he'd courted when they were both younger and still believed in God and love and each other. And yet, even that wasn't quite right. There was a tenderness in her now that was new and compelling. He saw it in her every move; the way she smiled at Katie or nodded encouragement to Savannah, the way she absentmindedly rubbed Caleb's naked back as she talked.
It was that softening more than anything that made him wonder. Made him almost believe.
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She looked up suddenly, as if drawn by his perusal. Their eyes locked. A friendly smile shaped her lips.
Without thinking, he smiled back.
Surprise widened her eyes. A pink blush spread through the peach-hued softness of her cheeks as her smile slowly faded away.
Jack felt like an idiot. He looked away.
"Don't," she breathed, shaking her head slightly.
Reluctantly he looked at her. "Don't what?"
"Don't stop smiling. I ... I like it."
Jack felt as if he were falling again. He reached uncomfortably for the cup of water beside him, not surprised at all to find that his hand was shaking. His fingers curled around the sun-warmed tin and he clung to it, feeling ridiculously like a drowning man hanging on to a rapidly sinking oar.
Suddenly he remembered Doc Hayes's words: Could be
you got yourself a new wife.
Jack felt something he hadn't felt in a very, very long time. Something he'd vowed never to feel again. And try as he might, he couldn't bury or ignore the emotion.
God help him, he felt a spark of hope.
Tess leaned back against the cracked bark of the ma-drone tree.
"Mama! Look! It's a twirling seed." Katie raced up to Tess and dropped to her knees, skidding through the tall grass. "I found it all by myself."
"That's great, sweetie. Show your daddy how well you
can throw it."
Katie scrambled to her feet and deftly threw the maple seedcase. It whirled through the air and flo
ated to the grass. Katie jumped and shrieked with joy, then ran over to tell Savannah about the flight.
Tess glanced over at Jack. He was looking at Katie, and there was a soft, faraway look in his eyes. "She's quite a girl," Tess said quietly. He smiled. "Yeah."
Their eyes met, and in that instant, that look, something powerful passed between them. Something special and filled with promise.
All of a sudden Tess felt beautiful and wanted and welcome. She felt?for one bright and shining moment? loved.
Then it was gone. Jack looked away, and the connection vanished as if it had never been. She let out her breath in a shaking, depleted sigh. The world seemed to drop out from underneath her. Once again sue felt like the little deaf girl waiting?always waiting?to be invited into the warm, cozy home.
Waiting. The thought made her angry. She'd always been waiting. Always.
And it was her own damned fault. She'd let her life be put on hold by being too scared to reach for love. She'd always been terrified of rejection?of being told she wasn't pretty enough, or talented enough or loving enough. After enough adoptions that didn't come through, enough parents who didn't want her, she'd stopped even reaching out. She'd lived in lonely safety, her heart in no danger of being broken again.
No more, she thought suddenly. She'd been given another chance at life, at love, and by God, she wouldn't wilt away from possible heartache this time. She wanted Jack to love her, and she wanted to love him.
She had only two choices. Either wait in lonely silence for him to come to her, or go out on that shaky, too slim limb and reach for the stars. It was no choice at all.
Chapter Twelve
Tess's latest attempt at cooking breakfast was another dismal failure.
"We could use it to tack down area rugs," Lissa said brightly, washing down her second bite of oatmeal with a big swallow of milk.
"It'd hold up wallpaper," Savannah added with a grin.
Katie giggled. "It'd catch rabbits, too. Just throw a bunch on the ground." She pounded her little fist on the table for emphasis. "Bounce, bounce, stick."
The three of them dissolved into laughter. The carefree, happy sound tugged at Jack's heart. He glanced around, studying each one of them in turn. Savannah looked prettier than he'd ever seen her. Bright splashes of pink spotted her cheeks, and her blue eyes glowed with happiness.