"How long have we been married?" Confusion made him stutter. "Thirteen y-years or so." She nodded. "And how long have you been sleeping in another room?"
Jack knew suddenly where this conversation was going. Emotions hurtled through him?fear, excitement, hope. He licked his paper-dry lips and said quietly, "Ever since I got out."
She frowned. Jack saw his mistake instantly. She didn't remember about the hospital or his "injuries." "Out of where?"
He didn't answer, and after a few silent moments, she asked again. "How long on the couch, Jack?" "Almost eight years." She looked down at him again, and the look in her eyes
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was infinitely soft and welcoming. Longing twisted his in-sides into a throbbing knot. "That's a long time." "Yeah."
"Long enough."
Jack froze, swallowed. "What are you saying?" She drew in a deep, shaking breath. He could see that she was nervous, perhaps even afraid, but she was going forward anyway. "I'm saying a husband and wife should sleep together."
Jack moved slowly to a sit "Sleep ... together?"
"Yes,"
Jack didn't move, didn't even breathe. It was closing in on him, stalking him, turning his every rational thought into a pile of imperceptible rubble. Need. Dark, aching, drenching need.
She reached her hand out. It was pale and trembling in the weak candlelight. "Come to bed, Jack." He shook his head slowly. "I don't think?" "Good. Don't."
"Jesus, Lissa." He said her name on a quiet exhalation of breath.
She moved toward him quickly, a flash of white lawn in the candlelight, and dropped to her knees. Jack stared into her eyes and was completely and utterly lost. She was breathtakingly beautiful, so beautiful, it hurt to look at her. Smiling, she touched his face. Her flesh felt warm and solid and right against his cheek. He shivered in response and fell that much further under her spell. "Don't be afraid," she breathed.
Jack sighed and tried to look away, but she wouldn't let him. Her hand held his face firmly in place; her eyes remained fixed on his. "Please ..." she murmured.
Jack looked deeply into her eyes, searching for some hint that it was all a lie, but even as he studied her, he
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knew the truth. This was no act, no game. She wasn't
Amarylis anymore. She was Lissa, and she was reaching
out to him.
God help him, he couldn't turn his back on her. Not even if someday Lissa vanished as quickly as she'd come. She was his wife, had been for almost half his life. He'd loved her since he was a boy. And he loved her now.
She leaned toward him, so close he could feel the whispering threads of her breath against his lips. His groin swelled, tightened uncomfortably. His throat went bone-dry.
She licked her lower lip slowly, her gaze never leaving his face. "Maybe .. ." She hesitated, blinked, and Jack got the sudden feeling that now it was she who was afraid. She started to look away.
Without thinking, he touched her chin and gently but firmly forced her to look at him. "Maybe what?" "Maybe we could ... fall in love again." Jack didn't know what he'd been expecting her to say, but it sure as hell wasn't that. He'd known her for a long time, since they were both kids running around his daddy's cotton fields, and never?not once?had she ever told him she loved him. Oh, she'd shown him. In the early days, before the horror and the war, she'd shown him all the time. But never had she voiced the words. As a young man, he'd waited, aching inside, to hear the simple sentence. And now here she was blithely wondering if they could fall in love. Again.
He shook his head. "Where would we even start?" She smiled. "Jack." His name sounded soft, and blurred, and filled with exquisite promise. "We already have."
We already have. Tess said the simple words and held her breath. Fear washed through her, made her heart hammer
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in her chest. Now, waiting for his response, she felt naked and vulnerable and almost dizzy with longing.
Please, she thought desperately, please don't turn me away. Please ...
"We have to go slow," he said quietly. "I'm not too ... trustworthy."
A river of relief rushed through Tess. A smile trembled on her lips. "Anything, Jack ..."
He shook his head, frowning. Regret and shame darkened his eyes. "I've let you and the girls down so many times."
Love poured through Tess, filling every corner of her soul with light. She knew how much that confession had cost him.
"Oh, Jack." She leaned toward him, brushed the hair from his eyes with cold, shaking fingers. "Maybe we've hurt each other."
Their gazes met and held. Beside them, the candle sputtered.
"I need time, Lissa," he said quietly. "I've spent a long time trying to fall out of love with you, and frankly, it scares the shit out of me to think of going back."
"I don't want to go back to another woman's past. I want to go forward ... into a future that's all ours."
"Christ, Lissa." He squeezed his eyes shut and ran a shaking hand through his hair.
Tess stared at his mouth and felt a sharp, almost painful stab of longing. Kiss me, she thought. Now, before I break my promise . . .
But he didn't move, didn't seem even to breathe.
God, how she wanted him to kiss her right now. She'd dreamed of it constantly since that day on the schoolhouse steps. Like a child reaching for the forbidden piece of candy on the counter, she strained forward. Wanting, needing.
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And still he didn't move.
"Jack ..." His name was a whispered question, a proposal. "Make love to me, Jack."
"Aw, hell." His voice sounded raw and defeated as he opened his eyes and looked down at her. Slowly his hands slid around her neck and up the sides of her face. His fingers burrowed into the golden mass of her hair and pulled her inexorably toward him.
Their lips touched. The kiss was slow and hesitant, filled with the quiet, desperate longing of a man who'd been in love alone for so long, he couldn't believe in anything else, and a woman who'd never been in love at all. It seemed to go on forever, until Tess was dizzy and her body tingled all over. The hunger in his kiss, the need, filled Tess to overflowing and stole the breath from her
lungs.
Then, slowly, he drew back and looked at her. "God,
you're beautiful."
She drew a shaky breath and smiled. "So are you."
His hand glided down her throat, moving slowly, as if he were savoring the velvet-soft feel of her flesh. His fingers slipped under the thin lawn of her nightgown and glided over the swell of her breast. She shivered at the heat of his touch.
"Mama? Are you in there?"
Tess yanked away from Jack with a gasp, clutching her gaping nightgown to her chest. Katie!
Heart pounding, Tess staggered to her feet. "Y-Yes,
honey?"
"I heard a noise."
Behind her, Jack laughed quietly. "It was probably your
breathing."
Tess bit back a smile. "Shh!"
"Who are you talkin' to, Mama? Is Daddy in there?"
"Yeah, honey, your daddy and I were just ... talking."
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Tess crossed the room and kneeled in front of Katie, taking the child in her arms. "Honey, you're trembling."
"I'm scared."
Tess smoothed a sweat-dampened lock of hair from Katie's face. "Would you like a cup of warmed milk or something?"
Katie shook her head.
"Well, what would you like? How about if we?"
"I wanna sleep with you."
Tess's stomach sank. She shot a despairing glance at Jack. She was just about to say no when she turned and looked into Katie's wide, frightened eyes.
This was important, she realized. Katie was asking something of her mommy, and Tess couldn't turn the child away. Katie might never trust her enough to ask again.
"Okay, honey. You go on in; I'll be there in a second."
"I'll wait for you." Katie popped a pudgy pink thumb in her mouth.
Tess tried to smile. Reaching down, she took Katie's hand, and together they headed for the bedroom. At the corner she paused, turned back around. Jack was sitting on the couch, staring at her with an enigmatic smile.
Tess felt a sharp pang of regret. "Sorry," she mouthed.
He nodded, still smiling. "Later."
A thrill raced through Tess at the thought. Then, with a sigh, she turned and went to her room.
The knock, at first, was so quiet, Tess almost missed it. "Mama?" Katie tugged on her sleeve. "There's someone at the door."
Tess sat up. Her heart was beating so loudly, she was sure Katie could hear. "Jack? Is that you?"
He opened the door and peeked his head around. "Lissa ... I'm scared."
Tess burst out laughing. Jack grinned.
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Katie looked from Tess to Jack and back to Tess again. There was a small, confused frown on her face.
"Well," Tess drawled. "There's plenty of room. You can sleep on the other side of Katie."
Jack climbed, fully clothed, into bed beside Katie. "Leave the candle on till I go to sleep, okay?" Katie mumbled, her little eyelids already drooping. Tess smiled down at her. "Sure, honey." The three of them snuggled under the thick quilt. Katie curled up against her Mama and went to sleep.
When Katie was sleeping soundly, Tess pushed up onto one elbow and looked at Jack. "Tell me something so I know you better tomorrow than I did today."
Humor glinted in Jack's eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it. The humor in his gaze vanished, and a dark, formless pain filled his eyes. He glanced down at Katie's head. He brought a hand up, as if to stroke her hair, and Tess could see the tremble in his fingers.
Tess stared at his hand, hovering so close above his daughter's head?close, but not close enough?and she felt tears burn behind her eyes. When he began to draw his hand away, she grabbed it. Their eyes met, and in the troubled green depths she saw his indecision, his fear. "It's okay," she whispered. "Don't be afraid."
He licked his dry lips and slowly, so slowly, lowered his hand to Katie's head and began stroking her curly hair. "Katie .. ." His voice thickened, and Tess could see by the pain in his eyes that it was killing him to speak. "My Katydid. No one's ever dried her tears, or rocked her to sleep, or told her she was loved."
Tears burned Tess's eyes, streaked in hot, wavering lines down Tess's cheeks. "Oh, Jack ..."
He looked up suddenly, and over Katie's small, dark head, their gazes locked. The bleak desperation in his eyes
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tore ragged slices from her heart. "If you can change anything, Lissa, change that."
Tess's hand moved over the slim hump of Katie's body and found Jack's. Their fingers threaded into a warm knot.
"I can't do it alone, Jack."
He gazed at her for a long time, then slowly, quietly, he spoke. "Okay. We'll do it together."
Smiling, holding hands across the child, they fell asleep.
Chapter Nineteen
Someone banged hard on the back door. "Jack! Are you there?"
Jack came awake with a start.
"What ... huh? Whaas going on?" Lissa lifted her head and blinked hard, trying to focus.
Jack stared across Katie, who was still asleep, at his wife. She looked unbelievably sexy, with her hair all messed up and her cheeks flushed from sleep. Desire flashed through his body like a bolt of lightning. "There's someone at the door," he said in a husky voice. "I'll be right back."
Thankful now he hadn't undressed last night, Jack hurried through the cold, dark house and opened the back door.
Jim Hannah stood on the porch, dressed in his old work dungarees and straw hat. "I know you didn't expect us till day after tomorrow, Jack, but Clyde Johnson's wife took sick. They had to take her to Victoria to see some special doctor."
Jack squinted into the predawn darkness and saw three men standing out on the dirt road. "Who you got with you?"
"A couple of Indians and Jerry Sikes. We thought we'd do your herd today and tomorrow, then move over to mine."
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"Sikes doesn't mind working with me?" Jim looked uncomfortable. "Well, truth to tell, he's a
mite ... concerned. But I told him you were a friend of
mine."
Jack nodded. "Thanks, Jim. I'd been wondering how you and I were going to shear all these sheep alone."
Jim grinned, obviously relieved by Jack's easy acceptance of Sikes's anxiety. "It shouldn't take us more'n a couple days now."
"Great. I'll throw on my work clothes and meet you in the barn in fifteen minutes."
Jack raced back into the bedroom and found Lissa dozing again. Quietly he dressed in his work clothes, then went to the bed and dropped to his knees.
She was turned toward him, her profile like a pale, perfect cameo atop the grayed pillow. Desire shot through him like a molten streak as he stared at her full, parted lips. The quiet whirring of her breath caressed him. God, she was beautiful.
"Lissa?" he whispered, stroking the velvet-soft side of her face. "Wake up."
She blinked awake. At first she looked confused, then she saw Jack and gave him a slow, lazy smile that made him ache to crawl in bed beside her. "Mornin', Jack."
"Mornin', Lissa. Jim Hannah and the men are here to help me shear the sheep."
She brushed a lock of hair from his eyes. "Sounds like hard work."
"It is. Backbreaking."
Disappointment flickered through her eyes. "I guess you'll be tired tonight." He grinned. "Not that tired." "Promise?"
He leaned over and gave her a rousing kiss. "I promise."
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McGuffey's First Eclectic Reader lay open on Katie's school desk. She stabbed her forefinger under the letter and stared at the page. Concentration pulled her mouth into a taut frown. The letters danced around and mixed themselves up, but she just took a deep breath like her mama had taught her and tried again.
It was easy to calm herself down now. Being in school didn't cause that horrible panic and fear anymore. Miss Ames had promised not to call on her to read out loud until Katie herself said she was ready, and knowing that she wouldn't be embarrassed freed her to concentrate on the task at hand: learning to read.
B-A-R-N. Barn. Barn! It said barn.
Katie felt like she was gonna float right off the chair. Grinning, she poked Savannah in the side. "It says barn, Vannah. I read it!"
Savannah gasped and threw her arms around Katie, squeezing hard. "Oh, Katie. You done it!"
Miss Ames rapped her stick down on her desk. "What's going on back there, Savannah and Mary Katherine? We're in the middle of reading."
Savannah's arms popped free. She slid back into her own chair and folded her hands on her desk. "Sorry," she mumbled.
"I read 'barn,' Miss Ames," Katie said proudly. "All by myself."
Miss Ames's stern face softened. "That's wonderful." Her voice sounded sort of funny, and she cleared her throat. Snapping her chin up, she sniffled softly and glanced around the room. "You may take your break now. Run along."
Everybody bent down and grabbed their lard tins and beelined for the outside. The sound of running, shuffling feet echoed through the small wooden building.
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Katie and Savannah walked to their regular spot beneath the big tree and plopped down onto the short grass. Burrowing through their tins, they pulled out the cornbread and bacon sandwiches Mama had made.
"I think Miss Ames was proud of you," Savannah said with a smile.
Katie grinned back. "I think so, too."
Savannah started to say something else, then stopped. Her gaze fixed on something behind Katie.
Katie turned, following the path of Savannah's trancelike stare. Jeffie Peters was standing by the water pump. He was staring at Savannah with a d
umb expression on his face.
Katie frowned and looked back at her sister. Savannah's cheeks were bright pink.
"Why don'tcha go talk to him?" "What? Huh, Katie, what did you say?" Katie smiled. "I'll be right back." Setting down her food, she got to her feet and walked, arms swinging, to the water pump. "Hey, Jeffie."
He was startled out of his trance. "Oh. Hi, Katie." "Why don'tcha go talk to Vannah? Maybe she'd like to go to the shearin' dance next week." "But your mama?"
"She ain't so strict no more. I think she'd let us all go if we wanted to. My daddy don't like the Fourth o' July none, but the shearin' dance might be all right."
He grinned. "Really? Thanks, Katie, I'll do that." Without a backward glance, he raced over to Savannah. She looked up, shielding her eyes from the sun. Katie yanked up her skirts and ran across the dirt road, skidding beside Savannah just as Jeffie was finishing his question. "... Do you think she'd let you go?" Savannah blushed and stared down at the cornbread in her hands. "I think she might."
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"Great! Well . . ." Jeffie looked as if he was trying to think of something else to say.
Tired of the silence, Katie butted in. "Ain't you two gonna talk or somethin'?"
"Hey, Jeffie!" yelled Harvey Hannah. "You gonna play
ball or not?"
Jeffie looked relieved. "I gotta go. 'B-Bye!"
'"Bye, Jeffie," Savannah said without looking up.
He flashed Katie a grin and mouthed thank you. Then he turned and hightailed it back to the group of boys.
Katie took a bite of cornbread and chewed thoughtfully, staring at her sister's still pink cheeks. "You know, Vannah, you act sort o' ... fool-headed around Jeffie."
Savannah sighed. "I know. But Mama says it don't mean there's somethin' wrong with me. She says it's normal."
Katie thought about that for a minute. "Yeah, Jeffie acts
just as stupid around you."
Savannah gave her a sudden smile. "Thanks for tellin' him to ask me to the dance."
Katie took another bite and mumbled, "Sure" with a full mouth. "Now all you got to do is learn to dance."
Savannah dropped her cornbread. "Oh my gosh, I never thought about that. I'll make a fool of myself."
"Yep, you'd best get Mama to help you."